Just Visiting Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 My ex and I broke up in mid-September, for me it has been a difficult journey. I have cried my eyes out, sought counselling, joined support groups, etc. Anything to learn and heal from the situation. I felt our relationship was strong enough to get through the tough times. But he needed time to be alone and clear his head, so I respected that as I needed to do the same. Thinking we can talk and possibly reconcile later. I am feeling really angry and stupid right now. After barely any communication from him, I decided to post a profile on some dating websites in hopes of making new friends and making the healing process somewhat easier. Going on these sites, I have "run into" my ex while doing searches. It appears he joined them shortly after the break-up. I guess what pisses me off is that overall, we had a good relationship. I got along with his son and family so well, everyone thought we were perfect for each other (I thought so as well). He told me a few times that I entail all the qualities he has been looking for, and yet he gave up on us. He wasted no time looking up other women on online. I have had so many people tell me that I am beautiful inside and out, generous, caring, and loving. Even my friend Jeff said that I embody the qualities that men are searching for. It is such a blow to realize that I wasn't appreciated for who I was. Despite his personal problems, I still stood by him. I have been working on letting go of the hurt and anger, and then forgive him. I gave my heart and he took what he could get. He still has me on his MSN which bothers me as well. I think "he wanted out, so why can't he stay out?", and I have taken him off mine. I am tempted to tell him to take me off his list...my friends say to just leave it. I am hurt that his feelings weren't deep as mine, that he wasn't willing to fight for the relationship, to move mountains, and that it is easy for him to just pick up wherever he left off. Meanwhile, I have been crying, reflecting, searching, healing and yet still longing for a reconciliation. I feel so stupid. It is a slap in the face to realize that the person you grew to love and care about, isn't the person you thought they were. They preached trust, honesty, love, and yet they use them convenience. I am so angry that I want to strike out at him.
AltplanB Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 We have very similar situations and i am going through the exact thing you are. But I came to a point yesterday where i made a decision. If you truly care for someone, your gonna fight to keep them. It may sound brash and fool hearted, but when someone knows that they are still cared for and still loved by someone, they must come around eventually. I told my ex after she told me the reasons why she had broken up with me that i wanted to change to be that person, not just for her but to improve myself. SHe didn't like my pesimistic attitude or my lack of motivation and it slowly wore her down. That being the biggest reason, she tells me other reasons in a calm and composed language. What i have come to believe is that they love you for your qualities, but your disqualities brought those emotions to a point where they thought it could never work out. What i am now preaching is that you can now take time to understand those reasons and to if you truly care about that person, make those changes for yourself and for them. It takes time, but i feel that it is the right course of action if you are utterly attached to this person. Find out what turned them off, then work on it. Tell them you are, and tell them that somewhere down the line, youll be a different person and that they should look you up and see if reconciliation is an option.
Author Just Visiting Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 I appreciate your response Alt, believe me I am well aware of the mistakes I made within the relationship, and he has made quite a few as well. It just hurts that he had no problem moving on after we lived together for 10 months. A part of me always hoped that he would come back and we can talk, even though I know it would take time to rebuild the relationship. I gave my heart to him and I feel stupid. And I believed it when he said that he loved me and couldn't believe that I was with him. Maybe it is an ego booster to have contact with all these women. I just wish he could have been upfront if he wanted to date others.
scobro Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 I decided to post a profile on some dating websites in hopes of making new friends and making the healing process somewhat easier. It seems your upset the fact that your ex did exactly what you did?You were on a dating site and so was he yet your mad at him, sort of the pot calling the kettle black isn't it?
JohnJohn Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 After reading so many posts on here it amazes me at how many people say that their exes can so easily move on after their breakup. But do they (and you) really know that for sure? It may appear that way since they are online dating again or have even begun dating someone else, but believe me it isn't always the case. Almost anyone can hide hurt and make it appear to others that they have moved on or are not hurting. We all cover up hurt now and then because we don't want to give satisfaction to the other person that we are feeling bad. Personally, I have had a difficult time in a recent breakup but my ex will never see or know that. She probably thinks I have easily moved on because of my NC. But it has been far from easy. And I am with scobro on his point. It seems hypocritical to be upset at the ex for being online when you are as well. You are on there to meet friends and ease the hurt? Perhaps he is too and it doesn't matter if he joined before you. No offense to you or anyone else on here, but the online dating experience for me has been a folly of people that are either desperate or are recovering from a breakup or divorce. A literal minefield of baggage ridden folk. And yes I've tried it after a breakup and won't ever again as I realize that there has to be some time to heal before responding to the plethra of responses one gets from those sites. I wish that people would use support groups like these or seek professional counseling rather than use a dating site for validation after a breakup, but obviously there's nothing that says you can't. Live and learn. Best wishes to you. I'm sure he wasn't in the relationship long before it was over. Perhaps you will reflect back now and see some red flags now that you may have ignored earlier. You'll be better off with someone that will fight for the love of the relationship. So many give up so early these days that it makes us all rather disposable to say the least.
AltplanB Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 If you know that they are going through pain as well even though they are dating others already, does that mean that you should keep trying to work out the problems that you had? She is already starting to date other people and i have to be ok with that but because i place the feelings above the physical. However, even though we took our time falling in love, she seems to be the type to fall in love rather fast. Im worried that if she does this, she will transfer her feelings for me to the next guy or even worse, she will just forget about me. Should i pursue or let go? im talking to her over myspace and she has identified the problems that she saw in the relationship and i in turn told her that i am willing to work on those problems and would like to rekindle things in the future. I can't believe that she would never believe in a possible future with someone that never mistreated her and never stopped loving her. I know its desperate thinking but i am feeling that it is the proper path to win her back. comments?
Author Just Visiting Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate them. I know it sounds pretty irrational that I wish my ex wouldn't post profiles on dating websites, and yet I have done that over the weekend. I guess what bothers me is that he hasn't been willing to work on our relationship issues as much as I have. And that he is out exploring for someone/something new. Rather than coming back and sorting it out. Maybe he needs to see if the grass is greener on the other side....who knows. I was never mean or abusive to him (apparently he has been grossly mistreated in a couple of previous relationships), I was always supportive, and tried to be there as much as possible for him. I gave my heart and to have it pushed aside/rejected hurts so much. There are times when I get very lonely and sad for him, and my friends are busy with other things. So hence my reason for wanting to meet new people through the various websites. It might help keep my mind off of him, and what he is doing. He was the one who wanted space, so I am not the type to push myself on another. I don't know, I had hopes that he would call but he hasn't. And I can't put my life on hold. I did that before and it made recovery drag on. Right now, the thought of totally letting him go brings up a panicky feeling inside. Like I have to let go of the hopes and dreams that I had for us. We clicked in so many ways, shared alot commonalities, it was freaky at times. And letting go of all that has been heartbreaking. He seems to be having an easier time of this than me. Like someone said, he probably checked out before the actually break-up.
AltplanB Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Yea but do you give up? Do you keep talking to them if their participating as well? Is it more powerful to keep them in touch or to give them NC? I don't care what i have to do to get the best chance possible to get her back. When i talk to her, i do everything not to pressure her, and i give her so much freedom. I just want her to remember that relationships like this are worth giving things a second chance and that we could work on it. I helped her through ****, shouldnt she?
scobro Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 ]A literal minefield of baggage ridden folk. HAHAHAHAHAHA And yes I've tried it after a breakup and won't ever again as I realize that there has to be some time to heal before responding to the plethra of responses one gets from those sites. Me too! what a disaster that idea was.
JosiePosie Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Yea but do you give up? Do you keep talking to them if their participating as well? Is it more powerful to keep them in touch or to give them NC? I don't care what i have to do to get the best chance possible to get her back. When i talk to her, i do everything not to pressure her, and i give her so much freedom. I just want her to remember that relationships like this are worth giving things a second chance and that we could work on it. I helped her through ****, shouldnt she? Just continue giving her space, don't' rush it. As hard as it can be.
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