renaissancewoman101 Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 I spent yesterday and last night over at our mutual friend's place. She had a late Thanksgiving dinner for me and some other people that she knew. I also talked to her about my ex a bit. I am still somewhat obsessed about getting the ex back although the prospects of it are appearing dimmer and dimmer. I found out some interesting things about the ex. For one thing, my ex has always been complaining about him not having enough money to go back to school and get a better paying job and he has also been complaining about not learning how to drive and getting his license so he can get a car. I found out from our mutual friend that her husband offered to pay for my ex to go to trucking school and learn how to drive a truck so that he could get a trucking job and make some better money than he does now. My ex hemmed and hawed and declined it. I also found out that our mutual friend (since she got in a car accident and has muscular dystrophy and cannot drive anymore) offered to sell him her 1988 Mazda Protege for $5 and he declined saying that he didnt have his license. Apparently, from what our mutual friend thinks, he likes to live his life like a teenager and he situates his life so that he self-sabotages any chance he has of improving his life so that he can go and complain that everybody is against him, hates him, all the odds are against him, etc., so that he can say "poor me" and have people feel sorry and rescue him or else he can turn to the bottle again which he has been doing more and more recently (although our mutual friend says he has always drank a lot even during the times I was not with him). From what she says, and she has dealt a lot with alcoholics. Her mother was an alcoholic and she was married to one at one time. From what she says, he has not been allowed to be responsible for the choices he makes meaning everybody makes excuses for him, like he doesnt know what he is doing, he is like a kid so he is going to act like a teenager, etc, so he is like a teenager and has been acting like one because nobody makes him responsible for growing up and being an adult. His mom doesnt make him be responsible. She rescues him by allowing him to live under her roof and not pay rent. She enables his behavior by treating him like a child and not consistent in how she treats him, meaning sometimes she punishes him and denigrates him for something he does, and at other times she doesnt care. There is no sense of consistency. I found out some more things about him and his first ex. Apparently, with his first ex, she was paying most of the bills and she got tired of him being like a little kid and not wanting responsibility so she dumped him after dating him for seven years, and being engaged to him for two of the seven years. All the other ex's apparently they dumped him, but he acted weird and did things to cause them to dump him, and then he went around crying "poor me" "nobody understands me and everybody is against me, all the girls leave me". This is his excuse for being like a child and not wanting to grow up and this is also his excuse for drinking. Our mutual friend thinks he is a classic alcoholic. He also has a tendency to self-sabotage his relationships and cause them to fail. He does that with a lot of things in his life, he does nothing to improve himself and when chances are there for him to improve himself, he doesnt take it, thus keeping him the way he is. With me, she thinks that since I still stuck around after he acted weird, etc., he decided to self-sabotage this relationship by dumping me. She also pointed out to me that he likes to be the center of attention, esp negative attention, and that he does things that cause him to be the center of negative attention. He is loud and belligerent in public. He talks about weird things. He dresses weirdly that attracts negative attention from other people. She said that is the reason why she doesnt hang out with him in public anymore. She says he thinks all the world is against him, but then he does alot of the stuff to attract negative attention to him. She thinks that he is going to stay this way, in his teenage lifestyle and teenage way of thinking, as long as people keep enabling him and not letting him fall for his mistakes. He has now found a gf that is barely 18 from what I hear. She comes from a family of alcoholics and she doesnt drink herself but she is also a rescuer. Our mutual friend tells me that they dont go out a lot because they both dont drive and she lives at home, so he comes and hangs out with her and her family and drinks heavily with them. So, he has no impetus to change or to better himself. His drinking has gotten worse and he has now become belligerent and angry at times. She doesnt think this relationship will last because at the end, he is going to sabotage it himself, like he does with all his other relationships. Our mutual friend is mad at him because of what happened last Sat at Fur Fest. Apparently, that Sat night when I went to use the restroom, he went and got in her face and was yelling at her and ready to pick a fight with her about why I was there and why I was there so long. He was very angry I was there but then he was also very drunk. She wasnt happy at how angry he was with her and how he disrespected her in front of all the people we were sitting with. My ex had told her on Friday that it was ok with him if I showed up just as long as I didnt go and confront him and follow him around the con. Apparently that night, when he confronted her, he told her that I was harassing him and following him around the con, and that was a bunch of BS, and she called him on it. She told him that the whole night we had sat in the smoking corner talking to people and that the only time I got up was just to use the bathroom, and then he came to confront her. Everybody sitting there backed her up on her story because we were ALL there. He was thinking I was stalking him around the con, and I WASNT. Apparently, he has also been going around telling people that we had a nasty breakup and he isnt coming out and telling that HE dumped me. He is insinuating that I ended it with him. He did not tell his closest friend that he dumped me, all he would say is we are broken up (his close friend had to drag it out of him to find out who broke up with who) and from the way he is telling it to people, it appears I broke up with him and is now stalking him. He is playing a sob story to people, why I dont know. Our mutual friend thinks I should go and get the cell phone back from him and get him the cough up the $1500 that he owes me. I told her that he told me that he would start paying me back when he finishes paying off his last credit card bill. She then told me that he has been drinking his money away and that he has always claimed that he cant pay off his bills and cant save money to move out, for the longest time. She thinks he is spending his money on toys and drinking it all away. She doesnt think he will ever pay me back. As for the cell phone, she thinks I should get it back from him because it will teach him a lesson and that he doesnt deserve it considering he broke up with me. She thinks that he will never pay me back. As for the cell phone, she thinks I should get it back soon and he should give it back to me. As for the $1500, she thinks that I should talk to his parents about it and also talk to him and if he doesnt want to pay it back, then I should go to court over it and she says she will back me up. She was surprised that he owed me so much money. Apparently, he hasnt told that many people he owes me money. He never told her or her son (who is a good friend of his). He did tell Brian, his drinking buddy. I am not sure if I want to drag this whole thing out to get the $1500 back. If it becomes too hard, I dont want to deal with it. She also thinks that he is keeping the cell phone and owing me money so as to keep a small tie on me just so he can come back to me, when he wants to, or if he needs to. She tells me that he doesnt completely cut off ties with all his exs and he is on good terms with all of them except the first one, because in case he might want to go back to them. He wants to be the center of attention and have everybody feel soory for him and rescue him. She thinks that in order for him to get better, he has to hit rock bottom with his drinking and want to get help for it. He hasnt gotten there yet because his mom and all of us want to bail him out. She tells me that with an alcoholic, you cant help him/her by beign there for him, rescuing him, etc. That is only enabling him and his drinking problem. The only way to help him is to let go of him and watch him fall. She doesnt think that his new relationship is going to last because she is going to get tired of rescuing him, just as I got tired of rescuing him, but with me I lost my feelings for him. As for me moving away, she thinks that if I tell him, it will bother him a bit. She thinks that he is full of it and thinks that since I have been pining away for him for awhile, that I will continue pining away for him, and me begging him back the last time I talked to him, was his way of stroking his ego. She thinks that he thinks that I will come begging for him and that he enjoys not giving me what I want since it makes him feel powerful. She thinks he thinks I will always be there waiting for him and so he doesnt care. (I did find out that he told her that Friday before I showed up that the last time I saw him and talked to him, I had begged him to sleep with me and that he didnt want to because he didnt feel right about it - she thinks he told her as a way of stroking his ego in front of her like "see she wants me that bad, she is going to come chasing me around the con"). She thinks that he will be surprised that I am moving away because that will show that I dont care anymore. But then he will blame me for that and use that as a way of saying that causes him to drink more because of the way we women always "dump" him. She has given me a lot of insight into my ex. She thinks I should move away even though she will miss me, but she thinks it will be better for me to start my life over again. What do you guys think of all that????
Sloppy Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 Aren't you glad it's over? Sounds like you can do a lot better then him.
westernxer Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 I hope you spare the next guy of all these meaningless details about your ex.
Author renaissancewoman101 Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 Westernxer, why do you think that I am going to feed my next guy all these meaningless details about my ex? Sloppy, am I glad is over, not really. I do miss the guy a lot. I have a bad habit of liking to take care of people, esp the men I date and he was the second long term relationship I had and only semi-normal one that I had. Thr first guy that I had a long term relationship with, he turned out to be gay, and he is still a part of my life as a good friend of mines.. My current ex, I loved because I wanted to take care of him and make things right for him. Unfortuanetly, I am coming to the conclusion that only the person himself can make things right for himself, no one else can. One positive thing that has come out of all this is that I now realize if I have good self-esteem, and feel good about myself, guys can see it and read it off you and will be attracted to you. Last Sat I was in a good mood and I felt good about myself so when I hung out with my friend, I attracted the attention of some guys.
westernxer Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 Westernxer, why do you think that I am going to feed my next guy all these meaningless details about my ex? Just concerned, that's all. Whatever you do, don't jump into another relationship while you're still analyzing the ex.
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