The Ex Factor - Are you EVER, TRULY 'healed'?

[Kengne]

It's been close to 9 mths since I broke things off with my ex of 4 years, after the discovery of his infidelity this February.

 

For the most part, the pain is 99% gone... and so is the anger...

 

But today I found myself listening to a Lauren Hill song on repeat - the Ex Factor. There's a section that went:

 

See I know what we got to do

You let go and I'll let go too

'Cause no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

 

And I guess that's why I am posting today. Because even months after the fact... the acute pain and overwhelming anger is gone... but the hurt ... it's deep within me... and I don't think it will ever go away. I feel it, buried deep inside and I wonder if this is a burden I will carry for the rest of my life. And that's why I wonder if after a relationship ends... ESP in infidelity... are we ever, TRULY, TRULY healed? Or do we just bury the hurt so deep we lose sight of it... and it lies dormant, but not COMPLETELY gone...?

 

It's funny - a poster on here asked me if what my ex did had 'psychologically damaged' me, and I laughed it off. But now, looking back at her innocent question I wonder if maybe there was a truth of salt to it. Has what my ex did forever changed my life? Yes. Has it changed who I am as person? Yes. Has it affected my future interactions with people? YES.

 

So - is this psychological damage?

 

Or is it normal - i.e. for the hurt to become ingrained in me, like a tattoo... ?

 

I don't wish for things to be different. I love my life now, and am happier now than I have been for the past year. I'm at a good point in my life, and I feel extremely blessed. I don't regret ANYTHING that has happened... not a single thing, because I feel ALL the moments - the good & esp the bad in our rel'ship - led me to this very moment, this very point in my life.

But ..... I DO wonder if the price I pay for my happiness now, is forever carrying this hurt within me. Again - I differentiate it from pain, bcuz the pain is long gone. What's left now is just the shadow... the remnants... and I wonder if these remnants will forever haunt me, and affect how I am moving forward?

 

Thus - my question - are we ever, TRULY, TRULY 'healed'?

 

Kengne.

[Zetter]

Great question. I just read "keeping the love you find" and am seeing a therapist. Through both resources, I am told that one person cannot heal themselves. Healling can come through a relationship with the ex (although that sounds so wrong to me) that can heal past wounds, or through a new relationship. Not sure I believe it, but that is what I'm told.

[Sloppy]

Hm, I think that only you can heal yourself. If you think getting into another relatinship or dragging on with the ex-relationship is going to heal you, I think you can really never heal.

[Kengne]

Great question. I just read "keeping the love you find" and am seeing a therapist. Through both resources, I am told that one person cannot heal themselves. Healling can come through a relationship with the ex (although that sounds so wrong to me) that can heal past wounds, or through a new relationship. Not sure I believe it, but that is what I'm told.

 

That's REAL interesting. At one point in time the ex & myself were in contact. Again, the pain & anger was gone - and I wasn't aware at that time of the dormant hurt. It's only come to surface, IMO, ever since I broke off contact with him several weeks ago. I still feel I made the right decision.

 

However the other option - healing through a new relationship - is what many people would likely term a rebound. So I'm surprised that both the therapist & the book recommended that.

 

K.

[Brittanyjean06]

i think maybe since i had asked you if you were psychologicaly damaged, its just that word thats in your head....i dont think you are though...the pain is gone, but you do reamber what had happend..it could be a burden...but your going to have to let that go on your own....

 

i dont think it will haunt you forever, but you will reamber it...im sorry if that question stuck out in your mind.

 

the first hurts i feel like, for me could psychologicly damage me, because it was my first love, and i loved them very much....but than again its only been 3 months...

 

 

and its only been 9 months for you!..i think when he said" to find someone else to heal"...what that really meens is, when you find someone WHO you are truly in love with....all that pain is gone, a rebound cant make you heal...but some people are different!, dont let your self get

damaged...and try not to let it haunt you, any type of relationship can haunt you, but its your choice when to let it go

[Kengne]

Hm, I think that only you can heal yourself. If you think getting into another relatinship or dragging on with the ex-relationship is going to heal you, I think you can really never heal.

 

Hi Sloppy,

 

But then what IS the definition of being 'truly healed'?

 

When you no longer think of the person? No longer desire to be with them? No longer wish for a future with them? No longer feel pain or anger towards them?

 

If that's the case then I guess I am 'healed' - by those measures.

But what about deeper... inside... the core of you that is FOREVER changed by the events in your life... can that hurt ever be 'healed'? Or is it just buried?

Is it something you EVER truly just 'get over'? Or do you just 'get through' it, carrying remnants of it with you along the way, forever?

 

THAT's my question.

 

K.

[JS17]

That's a really good question Kengne I remember that you and I came to LS around the same time. I remember your posts from early on and I think we're in the same place now. I've gotten over my ex, my only negative relationship to that point in time, but there's still a dull hurt that lies dormant and probably always will. It's not intense like it used to be but it's still there.

 

I think that your life's experiences always stay with you. I think when you recall the negative memories of what happened with your past relationship you will feel the hurt 10, 20 or 30 years from now. Same goes for the positive memories, you will always remember them with warm feelings.

 

Our experiences and interactions with others, good or bad, have a huge impact on our development and being. That goes for family, romantic relationships, and platonic relationships. Everyone has fought their demons in the past but rationalizing them is what separates those that keep their baggage constantly in tow and those that check them at the door.

[Sloppy]

Hi Sloppy,

 

But then what IS the definition of being 'truly healed'?

 

When you no longer think of the person? No longer desire to be with them? No longer wish for a future with them? No longer feel pain or anger towards them?

 

If that's the case then I guess I am 'healed' - by those measures.

But what about deeper... inside... the core of you that is FOREVER changed by the events in your life... can that hurt ever be 'healed'? Or is it just buried?

Is it something you EVER truly just 'get over'? Or do you just 'get through' it, carrying remnants of it with you along the way, forever?

 

THAT's my question.

 

K.

 

I don't know the definition of 'truly healed'. You are never going to be the same person, but I believe that when it stops hurting, when the desire is gone, when you are happy with your life without your ex in it, I believe that is the time when you can say you are fine.

Hanging out with your ex will take the pain away temporarilly. It's because it is familiar and it makes you feel safe. It also gives you a hope. Believe me, it will only slow down the process. When you stop talking or hanging out again, all the pain will come right back.

I would hope to carry my memories of my ex with me forever, but only when I get to the point that I can smile about it and know that those are memories only (without any feelings of hurt or pain, anger or whatever) is when i know I have accepted, moved on, and healed.

[Kengne]

i think maybe since i had asked you if you were psychologicaly damaged, its just that word thats in your head....i dont think you are though...the pain is gone, but you do reamber what had happend..it could be a burden...but your going to have to let that go on your own....

 

i dont think it will haunt you forever, but you will reamber it...im sorry if that question stuck out in your mind.

 

the first hurts i feel like, for me could psychologicly damage me, because it was my first love, and i loved them very much....but than again its only been 3 months...

 

 

and its only been 9 months for you!..i think when he said" to find someone else to heal"...what that really meens is, when you find someone WHO you are truly in love with....all that pain is gone, a rebound cant make you heal...but some people are different!, dont let your self get

damaged...and try not to let it haunt you, any type of relationship can haunt you, but its your choice when to let it go

 

Hey hun! Thanks for posting.

 

You are 100% right - the pain is gone. It's been gone for well over 6-8 mths now. Same thing with the anger.

 

But the memories... I don't think I can ever let that go. It is a part of me now, forever. To 'let it go' would be to deny what happened. I don't dwell on it... but I have my moments, like today, where the hurt swells up... and I wonder if this is just a fact of life, a burden I will carry with me always. I feel I've already done all the 'letting go' I can - so if this hurt is still here, maybe it's permanent? Maybe we NEVER ever really 'heal' 100%. Perhaps 99.9%.. but not 100% feel me?

 

And even tho my ex wasn't my first love, he was my first REAL serious relationship, so that was pretty intense. I don't know if I can call the effect he had on me 'psychological damage' or not. I just know that I've changed forever - for the good! - but it's a change none the less that was not there before. And with the change is this hurt - maybe I'm not explaining properly? It is not painful - but just always, there. Just THERE.

 

K.

[Kengne]

That's a really good question Kengne I remember that you and I came to LS around the same time. I remember your posts from early on and I think we're in the same place now. I've gotten over my ex, my only negative relationship to that point in time, but there's still a dull hurt that lies dormant and probably always will. It's not intense like it used to be but it's still there.

 

I think that your life's experiences always stay with you. I think when you recall the negative memories of what happened with your past relationship you will feel the hurt 10, 20 or 30 years from now. Same goes for the positive memories, you will always remember them with warm feelings.

 

Our experiences and interactions with others, good or bad, have a huge impact on our development and being. That goes for family, romantic relationships, and platonic relationships. Everyone has fought their demons in the past but rationalizing them is what separates those that keep their baggage constantly in tow and those that check them at the door.

 

Thank you so much for posting JS17!

 

I was beginning to think I was crazy, that no one really understood what I was feeling. You're post was sooo on point - it IS a dull hurt. For me - the hurt is almost non-present - except for times like when I heard the Lauren Hill song today, and it all came rushing back.

 

Another thing I agreed with - the baggage. I personally think it NEVER goes away, but you just sort of learn how to handle it well, like you said, by checking it at the door!

 

Another reason I questioned if I will EVER be truly healed... is because of those people who believe you should not get involved in another rel'ship until such time. I entered into what many ppl called a 'rebound' - with someone I met 1 mth after the breakup in Feb. We got together in May... he ended it in Oct, due to what he now told me was frustration & resentment towards my continued interaction w my ex of 4 years.

 

Right now ... we are taking things slow ... I guess trying to work things out?... No guarantees of course... and I am NOT in contact anymore with the ex of 4 years... but I DO wonder if I'm jus setting myself up for another failed rel'ship bcuz I'm not 'truly healed'...and thats when I get annoyed and wonder WTH...Will i EVER be truly healed? If NOT, no point in letting life pass me by till I wait for that magical moment for true healing to finally overtake me, feel me? lol

 

K.

[Brittanyjean06]

to an extent, i know what you meen....i can try to feel what your feeling, could it be scar tissue?...i think that is when you just become bitter...but you dont sound at all bitter to me!

 

Ive realized something, that real pain is a long process, its not those week things( back in middle school), that get you over it..ive seen that time goes by so fast...and 9 months i dont think is a long time, i think its good that the pain has stoped...but maybe there is another process to it....

 

the memories, and if you are healed properly...your first everything will always hold a place in your heart ( your first relationship)...but until SOMETHING better comes along, i think you could feel this way until that does come along, and its scary to know that...

 

i want to live life,( understanding there will be heart aches), but i dont want to dwell on the memories, thats painful...and i dont think you can help at all how you feel...i just think there might be another process after everything is healed and done..

 

but i hope people who have experienced the ending of healing can give you good advice:)

[centered]

It will be damage as long as you view it as damage. You will be a victim as long as you think of yourself as a victim.

 

I have survived cheating -- more than once, now. It's not easy. I was married for over 10 years, and my ex was having sex with another woman. The divorce was very bitter. I went through a couple years of therapy, made new friends, dated lots of new guys. The relationships I formed afterwards were very different -- I never allowed my self to be vulnerable, I was always so strong and had that wall up. I survived; but at what cost to really *living* again?

 

Ten years after my divorce, and having gone a few years without dating anyone seriously, I decided I was ready for another relationship. My daughter was old enough now, my career was solid enough, and I was grown up enough that the childish dating games of youth didn't have to be played. After dating a couple of nice guys, I found one who seemed to be everything I'd ever wanted. "Seemed."

 

He'd told me he was divorced, had 2 daughters, and wasn't dating anyone right now. We spent a few weeks getting to know each other better over lunches, through e-mails, phone calls, and the occasional weekend date. He kept pushing for more, and after 6 weeks of dating, we got intimate. He was wonderful, and I finally felt I'd grabbed the brass ring.

 

But then things started to not connect. He was too often busy on Friday nights. I was told I couldn't come by his place on certain days because he had to suddenly go out of town. He'd be talking to me, hang up suddenly, then call back a minute later, saying the signal had dropped, and I could hear from the background noise he was now outside on his cell phone. And he asked me not to call the home phone.

 

So I started asking some very specific questions, and he demonstrated just how far men can warp the truth to make it fit their definitions. It turned out he *was* divorced. From his first wife. And it was true that, legally, he wasn't currently married. But his "housemate" (whom I hadn't met) was the mother of his second child, and they *had* had a marriage ceremony -- just no legal paperwork. Whether or not he was actually planning on leaving her was moot. And whether or not he was really not sleeping with her at the time wasn't the point. I didn't trust him anymore. I broke things off with him as soon as I was certain he wasn't really available after all. When his "housemate" and I finally met, I could see in her eyes she'd been dealing with his behavior on more than one occasion. I felt very bad about being pulled into his web of lies; but I also felt very angry about once again having to deal with a man who I'd opened my heart to, and then felt betrayed.

 

I decided I would NOT be a victim. But I also decided I would NOT keep that wall up any longer. I wanted to live, freely, openly, and with all my heart. But I would also be strong.

 

The pain and hurt and betrayal I'd dealt with would be a source of strength now. I decided to own these experiences, to accept them as gifts that made me a more mature and wiser person. And I worked hard to find a way I could be both strong and yielding.

 

I met my current boyfriend through a dating website. (My friends had basically "dared" me to try it, so, for fun, I did.) He and I got to know each other over the next 2 weeks through e-mails and phone calls. He said he was 1 1/2 years separated, the divorce was pending, and he only had a few casual dates with a couple women in the past year. Nothing serious, he said. We finally got together for a dinner date, the chemistry was strong, and soon after we took it a step further. And that's when he admitted to me that one of the women he'd been casually dating was in love with him, and he hadn't officially broken up with her.

 

I surprised myself. Calmly, cooly, I told him good luck and I hope he finds what he wants in life. And soon after I told him this, he offically broke up with the girlfriend and asked me if I were still available. I had already moved on, and had just started casually dating again. But he really wanted to see if it could work for us. I met with his separated wife to get the whole story of the divorce proceedings from her. I met his daughter. He shared some e-mails he'd sent to the (now) ex girlfriend. And he swore he'd never done anything like that before -- essentially cheating on his then current girlfriend. I told him he would have to earn my trust if we were going to date. So he set out to do that. Over the next couple of months, he and I decided to be completely honest with other about everything, even sharing personal e-mails, comparing bank accounts, talking about all of our past lovers, and being available to each when we need to talk. We never abused each other's personal space, didn't call each other constantly, but we kept the communication flowing freely and honestly. Gradually, I learned to trust him. There were some bumps along the way, as the old girlfriend had never accepted that they had broken up and was still doing everything she could to trap him and get him to sleep with her again. She was also pulling him into an emotional affair through constant e-mails and phone calls, which he felt (out of misplaced guilt to her) he needed to answer. Whenever he started to fall for one of her ploys of being needy and needing his comfort to deal with the hurt of rejection, I told him he could go back to her and I'd leave. And he got the point. I trusted *him*, but I did not trust *her*, and I did not naively trust his male nature in a vulnerable situation. I had learned the hard way that if a woman really wants a strong relationship with her man, she has to be both emotionally vulnerable for him, physically available to him, and strong enough to not take any cr*p from him and let him know she'd dump him if he treated her badly. It's a balance, to be sure, and not an easy thing to do. But it works.

 

Personally, I believe *anyone* would cheat (man or woman) given the right conditions AND if the person is immature enough to shift the blame to someone else. It's when we're grown up enough to OWN our own decisions that we can be mature enough to make a relationship work.

 

Relationships are as good as the work you put into them. Living through my ex's infidelities made me stronger and more capable of dealing with a mature relationship. I'm able to say what I want and need, and be prepared to walk away if I'm not getting the respect I deserve. And this, in turn, makes my guy respect me more for being strong and helping him be a better person.

 

Kengne, you talk of the hurt being ingrained, like a tattoo. Rather, I think, the hurt goes away and you are left with a scar. If you can look at the scar without feeling the pain the made it, and see the scar as a reminder of something you survived and learned from, you can draw strength from the experience. Life is hard, and these scars are something we can wear proudly, as reminders of our strength and wisdom. And as reminders, they can also help us make the right decisions so we don't repeat the same mistakes. Be strong, but allow yourself to love again. Be alert, but find a way to trust again. Be vulnerable, but don't allow your respect to be trampled on. It will take work, but anything worth having requires effort.

[Brittanyjean06]

Be strong, but allow yourself to love again. Be alert, but find a way to trust again. Be vulnerable, but don't allow your respect to be trampled on. It will take work, but anything worth having requires effort.

 

 

i like that, as a qoute, thats perfect....

[Kengne]

It will be damage as long as you view it as damage. You will be a victim as long as you think of yourself as a victim.

 

Kengne, you talk of the hurt being ingrained, like a tattoo. Rather, I think, the hurt goes away and you are left with a scar. If you can look at the scar without feeling the pain the made it, and see the scar as a reminder of something you survived and learned from, you can draw strength from the experience. Life is hard, and these scars are something we can wear proudly, as reminders of our strength and wisdom. And as reminders, they can also help us make the right decisions so we don't repeat the same mistakes. Be strong, but allow yourself to love again. Be alert, but find a way to trust again. Be vulnerable, but don't allow your respect to be trampled on. It will take work, but anything worth having requires effort.

 

WOW - Thank you so much for sharing your story!! Simply amazing.

 

1st point - I don't view myself as the victim. I don't view myself as damaged. But certain of my well-meaning, good-hearted friends (esp the males).... all believe that it is too soon for me to be 'over' my ex in just 9 mths (well, intially it was 3 mths - when I got with the new guy). They are making me to be the crazy one, for thinking I am 'healed' - too soon, in their opinion.

 

Furthermore - they even have the CRAZIER notion that one day - I will sleep with my EX ! Yup - after the 20+ women he cheated on me with... after the girl he got pregnant had his baby.... after ALL he did, they believe that by me staying in touch with him (in the past) I was NOT 'healed'... and that any rel'ship I got into (like the most recent one with the new guy) would be doomed to failure bcuz yup - I'm not 'healed'. And that's why I've started questioning, well, are we EVER truly 'healed'?

 

It's just craaazy! I think I'm fine - but no one else really agrees. So then I start to wonder - maybe I'm NOT fine. Maybe this is as 'healed' as I'll ever be. And if so - is it normal? Is it Ok? How much MORE 'healed' can I be?

 

2nd point - I love the analogy you used, about the hurt leaving a scar. You're right. I am scarred - forever. But that does not mean I am 'damaged' nor a 'victim' here. And I have thanked my ex countless times for what happened, because through it all I have risen and triumphed and it has truly changed my life for the better. I'm so much happier with my life, and myself, and it feels GREAT!

 

I just hope that moving forward I can balance my strength with vulnerability, and one day allow myself to be open again - open to love, yes, even at the expense of pain. It's just hard you know? No one wants to fall into the same pit twice. But I'd rather that pain - of being alive, of loving - than no pain at all.

[centered]

WOW - Thank you so much for sharing your story!! Simply amazing.

You're welcome. I hope something in it is useful. It was for me

 

2nd point - I love the analogy you used, about the hurt leaving a scar. You're right. I am scarred - forever. But that does not mean I am 'damaged' nor a 'victim' here. And I have thanked my ex countless times for what happened, because through it all I have risen and triumphed and it has truly changed my life for the better. I'm so much happier with my life, and myself, and it feels GREAT!

Scars are usually stronger than the surrounding skin. Though they itch sometimes, and that can be annoying As for thanking your ex -- that may be carrying it a bit far. I've never been raped (thank heavens), but I would never thank the rapist for the lesson I learned. Rather, be thankful for surviving and for the wisdom you were given. Your ex didn;t give you anything but pain. The gift came from elsewhere. (God? Life? From within you? Maybe all of them.)

 

I just hope that moving forward I can balance my strength with vulnerability, and one day allow myself to be open again - open to love, yes, even at the expense of pain. It's just hard you know? No one wants to fall into the same pit twice. But I'd rather that pain - of being alive, of loving - than no pain at all.

If you OWN that scar, then there is new wisdom you have. And that wisdom will keep you from falling into that same pit twice. You see things more clearly now, and you can protect yourself if certain signals are given. But don't just run away. Tell the new guy in your life what's wrong. If he's honest and good and decent, he'll do the right thing and reassure you without sending the wrong signals. But if he's NOT honest and and good for you, he WILL send those signals -- no matter what he says or does -- because you know what to look for now. One thing to keep in mind -- don't go looking for the signals. That keeps you focused on the negative, and it will sabotage your happiness. As my grandmother said to me: "If you always look for trouble, you will surely find it." Rather, trust your wisdom and instincts, and let your new guy prove himself worthy of your love without you having to always test him. Does that make sense?

[JS17]

Great post centered!!!

[consumed]

I don't know if you can every be FULLY healed. I mean, you will always have memories there, places you went, things you did together and such. Throughout your life you may do things that will probably bring up thoughts and memories of past relationships. I think after time you only really just bury the pain. I was thinking the other day what if 5 yrs from now your alone or with someone else, and your at some place and you start thinking about that certain person from the past and if they were beside you, experiencing what you are.

In the end I think we just bury the pain, like we forget about the other person as time goes on and we learn to live again without them.

[In Sync]

Relationships are as good as the work you put into them. Living through my ex's infidelities made me stronger and more capable of dealing with a mature relationship. I'm able to say what I want and need, and be prepared to walk away if I'm not getting the respect I deserve. And this, in turn, makes my guy respect me more for being strong and helping him be a better person.

...Be vulnerable, but don't allow your respect to be trampled on. It will take work, but anything worth having requires effort.

 

This was a beautiful insightful post. I realize how much I didn't stand up for myself in my relationship with my ex and allowed him to disrespect me. That's a scar that lives within me, I betrayed myself. I also see that by not forgiving myself for that I am hanging on to the hurt. I suppose this experience is an eye-opener to a habit and patterns in relationships I've neglected in the past.

I've been short-changing myself in the respect department..I've just gotta stop that now.

[JS17]

I think this is the warmest, strongest, most supportive thread I've seen on LS and I'm glad I could be a part of it. This is a group of women that make me proud. I think all of us have learned a lot from our past relationship(s). We've learned things about our relationships, our ex's, and ourselves that will continue our growth and development into the wonderful women that we are and have the potential to be. We will take our battle wounds with us wherever we go but we will not let them rule our lives. We will become stronger and stand up for ourselves when we are disrespected. I sincerely hope we all learn to love again as if we've never been hurt.

[sylviaguardian]

I was about to say that, yes, you definitely get over the hurt. I did with an ex-boyfriend who cheated on me. I could look at him now and feel absolutely nothing.

 

But then I read centred's post and started thinking. I am now in the position where my husband cheated on me and wonder if there was anything that I did that might have let him disrespect me. I mean, I wonder if I learned anything really from the ex-boyfriend or if it made me even more desperate for a relationship.

 

The problem that I have is that I have decided (for now, anyway!) to stay with my husband so I often wonder if I am just repeating the same pattern. Centred - I am asking for direct advice here. How could I keep working at things with my husband but let him know that there is no way that he is going to disrespect me again? Or do you think that it is not possible?

 

Sylvia

[Painwraith]

Ok

 

My view

 

Every experience is a learning experience and what we should do but in a lot of cases dont do is actually look at the positive points that come out of a situation.

 

Healing hurt is a hard road, and I dont think you can ever fully do it completely you still have small pangs of guilt or sadness when you think of these things long after they are gone. its a natural process and in some ways you brain saying that that experience was not so good. ok so how do you turn this negative emotion to a positive?

 

Look at it objectively.

 

Was it something you did?

 

Yes? then what do you need to do and what have you learned from the experience of what not to do in future?

 

No? The what do you need to do to avoid being placed in that situation again or what is the best way to deal with it?

 

Once you have looked at the situation you should have a better understanding on how to deal with it in future, which turns that experience into a positive one, yes it still hurts to think about it but you have dealt with it and broken it down to figure out how to deal with it.

 

Dont get me wrong and ill point it out again these things still hurt years after but turn them into a positive experience and youl be a lot better person for them. consider it training to meet your soulmate...

 

Love

 

Pain