Help Me Please

[beachrosie]

I am a professional, very attractive, fit, and kind woman that fell deeply in love with a co-worker who told me he was in love with me, and has been for sometime. I have known him for about 10 years, but in the last 4 months our lives have been so closely intermingled, that it is to the point that we are reading each other's thoughts. He and I are like on this same level, and to be completely honest, that just has never happened to be before...ever. He says we are more like twins or seperated at birth, it is scary to me. It is most frightening to me because he is married and I am not the type that even look at a married man in any other way than at 3 arm's lengths. I have no idea what happened here, except it has been electrifying and dangerous. His spouse knows I am his friend, but not to the extent that we are friends, and has been terribly jealous of me for years (unbeknown to me, until recently) Then all the rage in their life, that I didn't know of, surfaced. Apparently she has a BPD or is bipolar, and has been threatening him for many years for a varity of reasons, but is now threatening me to him. He told me not to answer the door if she comes to my house, because she is extremely violent and has ran into his vehicle with another car not too long ago. I am not afraid of her in that way, but more so concerned about my child, his child and my life at work. Also his and my relationship really hasn't been about sex. Yes, we did have sex (once), but we are more so kissers, thinks and talkers and really more like best friends.

 

I have a few people pursuing me, one that really should be someone I should truly consider...but I want this MM to be in my life. He tells me often how much he loves me, how he wishes things could be different, how I changed his life, how happy he is because I am in his life...but he will not leave her and told me last night that he wants to work it out with her. But still wants me so close in his life, as he loves me and I am the only person he can be honest with. He thinks everything will be wonderful for everyone, but in knowing him and this situation, it is the top of the cycle of abuse that is about start again.

 

He is also my mentor in my new job and I have not been the same since I have been working there. I haven't been exercising like I use to do everyday...I haven't been eating right, drinking more wine in 4 months than i drank in 2 years, and feeling basically like an idiot. Please can someone help me understand why I want this with him, and why my once peaceful life is now filled with craziness? I still want him and feel it's really not over yet, not even if I wanted it to be.

 

Thank you for reading,

Rosie

[wanda1974]

Rosie,

This really is not a situation you want, or need in your life. I have been involved with two married men, and it all ends up the same. They won't leave their wives, but in the meantime, you're falling more and more in love with them. It's not a healthy situation, and it only gets worse. Be with someone who is not attached to anyone.....TRUST ME!!!! The hurt from being with a married man is extremely unbearable.

[beachrosie]

Thank you Wanda,

 

It is strange for me, as to why I hold on...I feel angry, but at myself. I do not understand why I have done this to myself. I'm sorry being involved with MM have hurt you too.

[jimbo79]

Is it this 'higher level' connection that you have with him that is driving you? To feel a connection like that is a very powerful thing that in my experience makes you feel like it is meant to be. Maybe you can find other people to share these kinds of feelings with? Mentors in a spiritual sense?

 

It certainly sounds like you need some perspective on it. If I were you I'd try and meet some new people at Tai chi or yoga, something where wellbeing is the goal. If you can satisfy your desire for connections with people, maybe this will moderate your attraction to this man.

[beachrosie]

Yes, you are correct about that. It is what is driving me. Perhaps it is just hearing someone tell me how in love with me they are? I do need other thoughts on this so much. It is very scary to me. I thought I was living a very sweet and simple life and then suddenly it was turned upside down. I do have a habit of just trusting or getting close to a few people at a time. What I mean by this, is a few friends. I have a 13 year old daughter and want her life to be as simple and sweet as possible.

 

Thank you so much for writing me back. I really haven't felt like myself since this began. It has been very stressful, and I am having feelings of personal hopelessness.

[Sami_D]

"He says we are more like twins or seperated at birth" "He tells me often how much he loves me, how he wishes things could be different, how I changed his life, how happy he is because I am in his life..."

 

"Apparently she has a BPD or is bipolar" "He told me not to answer the door if she comes to my house..."

 

"but he will not leave her and told me last night that he wants to work it out with her. But still wants me so close in his life, as he loves me and I am the only person he can be honest with..."

 

"I haven't been exercising like I use to do everyday...I haven't been eating right, drinking more wine in 4 months than i drank in 2 years, and feeling basically like an idiot."

 

"Please can someone help me understand why I want this with him, and why my once peaceful life is now filled with craziness? I still want him and feel it's really not over yet, not even if I wanted it to be."

 

Just a few quotes from your post that make me really angry with him and what he's doing!!

 

You are all mixed up in this because he's a manipulative B*****d who has found out all your weak spots and dreams, and is using them to keep you dangling. And you're not even feeling good about yourself any longer!

 

Some people are just great at this sort of manipulation. You have to get your head into gear and look closely at what's going on here.

[beachrosie]

Hello Sami D

 

Thank you for writing to my post. I do agree with you, but it's hard to think of him that way...well as manipulative, but I believe there is truth in your post. It's just that I didn't see it from the inside looking out. There was a strange twist of events from last week though. I met her and we really liked one another...a lot...sort of felt like we knew each other for years, even though we had just met. Although, he and I still tell each other we love one another. It is very odd, and I feel very strange.

[Sami_D]

How are you feeling about things continuing between you and MM now you've met his W, and liked her? Is he still certain he wants to make it work between the two of them?

 

What's your next step..?

[beachrosie]

How are you feeling about things continuing between you and MM now you've met his W, and liked her? Is he still certain he wants to make it work between the two of them?

 

What's your next step..?

 

I still love him, but don't really understand why. We really were friends for about 10 years before all this started, and I we don't have sex, but kiss each other a lot...and tell each other we love each other often. But still it is strange. I really do want it to end completely, but then I feel so close to him that I don't. She believes we are good friends, and was very angry about us at first, but not so much anymore...or if she is, she isn't saying she is anymore. I don't want to harm their family, and feel like it started with him to begin with. His wife is under incredible pressure from events that are surrounding her. When we spoke, I could deeply feel the pain she was experiencing from other events in her life. I think she just forgot about him for a long while, vented all the anger she had about everything else on him, and hense how we happened upon each other. I just didn't see it coming because I guess I just wasn't looking or expecting this.

 

I am very mixed up by it all though. It's as if all their problems have become mine...and I don't know how that happened. Perhaps I'm a bit of an internalizing type of personality, and now feel bad for everyone, including myself. I just feel really dumb. I also have a hard time turning love off and on. Maybe I feel a little played...i think.

[reader]

The one line that sticks out from your post is that "he wishes things could be different."

 

Things can be different, and that makes me wonder about him.

 

Once you are hooked emotionally, it is very hard to back away.

 

You are going to feel whatever you are going to feel, however, you need to take a look at the above posts and think about how much your life has changed, and not necessarily for the better. In my humble opinion, you are lonely, and that part of you is coming out now.

 

Start exercising again. Think of your daughter. Think of your job security.

 

Be very, very calm. This guy needs to do a lot of work before things would ever be right.

 

You can still be his friend, but tone it down.

 

Keep posting.

[travellingman]

He and I are like on this same level, and to be completely honest, that just has never happened to be before...ever.

 

I have close platonic relationships with many women, and I've heard almost the exact same thing from others in work related romances.

 

In my experience, educated people in the same profession, who would otherwise never think to cheat, still fall for colleagues or business associates, especially when they are passionate about their work. They connect with one another in a way that they don't with a spouse who doesn't really get what they do all day, and they have an easy time bonding to one another, because they feel like they know things few people in the general population understand. I have also noticed married people who share a passion for similar work often have very fulfilling relationships, because they have more to talk about, and are more immune to relationship drags that occur when marriage is reduced to the operational details of child care and house maintenance.

 

There is a big difference between two professionals falling for each other, and the 50 year old exec in a sexual relationship with the 22 year old secretary. The former is two people who are developing a deep connection, it's not some mid-life crisis thing, and neither person should beat themselves up with guilt. It's not like you're trying to be a home wrecker, you're experiencing thoughts and feelings that you can't help.

 

I have a female friend who was so taken with a colleague, they both wound up leaving their spouses, and in my view, are both much better off as a result. They are both highly educated, and neither had strayed one iota before meeting one another. They initially felt very guilty, but they soon realized they loved each other more than their spouses. They eventually got married, and at least from the outside, they now seem to have one of those relationships that makes this travelling man very jealous. I love my wife, but we don't see each other that much, and our conversations and shared experiences are never as interesting as my friends. The deep connections they have usually endure sagging skin and receding hairlines, and at least to me, are a reflection of what true love really is.

[lifeline]

It seems to me that you are losing yourself in these other people. You've lost your center. Try doing things you like that make you feel good and help you remember who you are. Go out with friends, join a group, hike, meditate, pray, whatever works for you.

 

You need to get back in touch with the clearsighted, healthy part of yourself that has, no doubt, served you well in the past.

 

You sound like an exceptionally caring person. Care about your own well being right now, you derseve it.

[beachrosie]

The one line that sticks out from your post is that "he wishes things could be different."

 

Things can be different, and that makes me wonder about him.

 

Once you are hooked emotionally, it is very hard to back away.

 

You are going to feel whatever you are going to feel, however, you need to take a look at the above posts and think about how much your life has changed, and not necessarily for the better. In my humble opinion, you are lonely, and that part of you is coming out now.

 

Start exercising again. Think of your daughter. Think of your job security.

 

Be very, very calm. This guy needs to do a lot of work before things would ever be right.

 

You can still be his friend, but tone it down.

 

Keep posting.

Thank you for your kind words. All of it just threw me for a loop, and I guess leads me to question how solid I really was. Strange how all of this put me into a tail spin, and I find myself missing him so much tonight...like if only i could talk to him for a minute or two I would feel better. I do believe it will all go away, but I do not feel like a better person from this experience.

[beachrosie]

I have close platonic relationships with many women, and I've heard almost the exact same thing from others in work related romances.

 

In my experience, educated people in the same profession, who would otherwise never think to cheat, still fall for colleagues or business associates, especially when they are passionate about their work. They connect with one another in a way that they don't with a spouse who doesn't really get what they do all day, and they have an easy time bonding to one another, because they feel like they know things few people in the general population understand. I have also noticed married people who share a passion for similar work often have very fulfilling relationships, because they have more to talk about, and are more immune to relationship drags that occur when marriage is reduced to the operational details of child care and house maintenance.

 

There is a big difference between two professionals falling for each other, and the 50 year old exec in a sexual relationship with the 22 year old secretary. The former is two people who are developing a deep connection, it's not some mid-life crisis thing, and neither person should beat themselves up with guilt. It's not like you're trying to be a home wrecker, you're experiencing thoughts and feelings that you can't help.

 

I have a female friend who was so taken with a colleague, they both wound up leaving their spouses, and in my view, are both much better off as a result. They are both highly educated, and neither had strayed one iota before meeting one another. They initially felt very guilty, but they soon realized they loved each other more than their spouses. They eventually got married, and at least from the outside, they now seem to have one of those relationships that makes this travelling man very jealous. I love my wife, but we don't see each other that much, and our conversations and shared experiences are never as interesting as my friends. The deep connections they have usually endure sagging skin and receding hairlines, and at least to me, are a reflection of what true love really is.

Thank you Travellingman,

 

That was an incredibly interesting and understandable post. Reading it was like seeing myself as a textbook definition. Although, even though I wish in the back of my thoughts; I could be your female friend in the last paragraph, but "kind of understand" it probably isn't best for anyone.

 

Strange though, there have only been two people that I have loved in my life...loved so completely...and this is one of them. I'm not sure what it is that this is suppose to teach me other than perhaps I'm not the type of person that should feel such things.

 

Thank you for your words...they were very heartwarming and accurate.

[beachrosie]

It seems to me that you are losing yourself in these other people. You've lost your center. Try doing things you like that make you feel good and help you remember who you are. Go out with friends, join a group, hike, meditate, pray, whatever works for you.

 

You need to get back in touch with the clearsighted, healthy part of yourself that has, no doubt, served you well in the past.

 

You sound like an exceptionally caring person. Care about your own well being right now, you derseve it.

Wow, thank you Lifeline.

 

I am so taken by the profound insight I have found on this message board. It is almost unbelievable to me, and I am printing this page so I can read it when I forget certain things. You are so right...I fell way off the center into some kind of world where exception seems to stand at every crossroad.

 

There is another thing I haven't shared...his family has expressed interests in me and that he should be with me because he deserves to be with someone that would love and take care of him. This was devastating to his wife and shocking for me to hear as well. I know I have to step away because perhaps she really didn't deserve that, and well, I don't think I needed to know that.

 

My life was just simplier before, and the very last thing on my mind was to ever hurt another living being. I guess right now I just feel sad and alone, and wonder how I couldn't have made such choices. I will try to get back to center as soon as I can...I'm just feeling a little wounded...and wish for something I shouldn't have.

[Sami_D]

I'm not sure what it is that this is suppose to teach me other than perhaps I'm not the type of person that should feel such things.

 

Why shouldn't you feel such things..? Maybe it's supposed to teach you that such connection IS possible... But (perhaps) this just isn't the right time/situation.

[reader]

I agree. I'm not saying it can't be, but that he needs to get his life in order first.

[beachrosie]

Well, maybe that kind of romantic love is not for everyone. Maybe some people are pre-programmed for such feelings and are suppose to reach those points while others are suppose to be doing something else.

 

He wrote me this morning about how I am his savior, his angel, his sanity and that I mean so much to him and he doesn't want to loose me. He said he loves me and hates how he has hurt me.

 

I feel bad even writing about it, but perhaps you can see, that we were trying to end it...I think, and yet I read this and it is hard to walk away. I deeply love this person and well, what it is is not the healthiest thing.

[Sami_D]

He wrote me this morning about how I am his savior, his angel, his sanity and that I mean so much to him and he doesn't want to loose me. He said he loves me and hates how he has hurt me.

 

Well he's going to have to lose you! This is just more of his manipulative BS!

 

"but he will not leave her and told me last night that he wants to work it out with her. But still wants me so close in his life, as he loves me and I am the only person he can be honest with"

 

If he really wants to work it out with his W, SHE should be the one person he can be really honest with! Please don't listen to any more of his weasel words

 

Tell him if he doesn't leave you alone you'll be forwarding some of his 'words of love' to his W. That should cool his ardour. (sorry, I'm in a bad mood about this man!)

[nextel]

I would not stick around unless he was offering me something I wanted.

 

This is not the situation anyone OW should be in, thats just my 2cents.

[beachrosie]

Thank you everyone. It's sad, but I can almost see his point...I think...well, maybe not. I sort of just wish we could go back to when he was my good friend that I care for and respected for so many years. I know time travel is not an option... and I have really lost my desire to seek out other interests. It just seems like so much risk, and it makes waiting till my child is grown to be so much more important.

 

This is a wonderful site, and I have taken in every world. I didn't realize how much I needed it. Thank you again.

[Arianna72]

This board is so wonderful... reading your posts and peoples responses is helping me so much. My situation similar to yours in many ways and I have been so at a loss as to what to do.

[beachrosie]

Hello,

 

I'm sorry I haven't been on here in a long time. I went away for awhile..South America away...for my job. I thought it would really help the process, as I know it is unacceptable. But while I was away he wrote me sometimes, a dozen times a day. I would spend my evenings responding to all his letters and thoughts, even though i just wanted to delete his messages and move on. I think I just wanted things to be fresh upon my return. But he wrote about how much he missed me and how he found a strand of my hair at his desk, and he taped it to a poem I wrote for him. My heart was melting, even with the knowledge that I knew he wasn't leaving his wife, or the fact that I didn't really want him to. I mean...then perhaps I would be in a box. So perhaps this entire relationship, even though we are not sleeping together, but might very soon, is really my fault...as I am scared of being in a box, and unable to be free in my thoughts and my travels.

 

I have no desire to run around with any men whatsoever, but I do have a deep desires to travel and explore the world without limitations, to see people in their truest settlings..their culture. I just don't know haven't met many people that find the same solace in this type of quest, and even though he is not with me, he is fascinated by my journeys. All of this must read kind of dumb, but as I write, I am coming to the understanding that as long as their is love, even from afar...it is acceptable to me. Frankly, this is wrong. I never ever wanted to be with a man that was committed, never mind married. I am now back in the States, and he is very close on my tail, seeking out what i am doing at all times. I am getting frustrated, because I realize I need to work on myself more, as all of this is selling myself and my ideas short.

 

I realized when i came home...something I really didn't notice before, or for many years...well..that I am alone. It is loneliness that has lead me on this path...and strangely enough, I didn't think that was so.

 

Please forgive me for rambling, as I am not out of the water yet...but the tide should be going out soon, and i will find a path to higher ground.

[Sami_D]

Well he's evidently filling some need you have. So.. where or how can you get that filled somewhere else..? That's the obvious question. Don't give in to his stuff. He's told you how it is... so tell him... that OK, but that's how it is for you.

 

And then do all those great things you want to do, and can do and will do. Let him follow you on your website, etc... but ffs... you are your own person, and you don't need all this c r a p he's giving you... honestly... you don't.

 

And... let us know when you set up your site. Kick him into touch, cheeky S O D!

[beachrosie]

Thank you so much Sami D...you are wonderful I appreciate all that you write to me, and to others on the board. You are very insightful, full of knowledge, and supportive. Thank you again for being here. It has helped me a great deal.

 

Happy New Year To You.