Doesn't she care?

[Sad green eyes uk]

Hey guys and girls, I sat up all last night and read most of the pages on this forum! Most of you give excellent advice so I'm hoping that someone can shed some light on my story and perhaps get me to wake up and smell the coffee in my situation.

 

This is perhaps going to be a long one so I do apologise in advance.

 

 

I was in relationship with an older woman who in many ways both looked and acted younger than her age. I will add it was a same sex relationship before i go any futher. We were together 3 and a half years and you know the usual everything was great at the start, apart from the fact that one of her gay male 'friends' must have been jealous of what we had and tried numerous time to split us up, bitch and cause s*** between us. I put 'friends' in commas because he was one of these types who we only ever saw or phoned us when he had a problem or needed something.

 

Anyway to try and cut a very long story short things were good for the first year and a half. I sometimes think my ex didn't realise exactly what I'd done for her. I was 22 when we met she was 35 I left my city, my family and friends to be with her and also took on her 3 children. She was never one of these people who was how do I say cuddly and affectionate, unless she was drunk! In a way though it made me wonder exactly what her true feelings for me were but when I asked she'd insist she loved me and told me she had never loved anyone like me before. Things had been working downhill for a while because we were both stressed out with her youngest daughter who later on was diagnosed with ADHD, however the stress of it all had taken its toll on both of us and as a result our relationship had been neglected. It didn't stop how I felt about her, no way. It was just other things had taken priority and as a result of the stress she because depressed and withdrawn. I stuck by her again although sometimes it was hard for me during arguments and I really felt like I'd had enough sometimes I would just up and leave because i thought it would make her happier. This is when it started to go downhill seriously but I loved her and she said she loved me so in my silly naive way I went back everytime and even though we'd said we were going to change things I got fed up of doing the things I said I was going to do and her doing nothing. Again I put this down to the depression and took her word for it.

 

A few times the breaks were more serious however. I tried my hardest to apologise for everything even when I knew sometimes I wasn't to blame. She tried to make me jealous with being out with other women etc so at one point I had resigned myself to the fact it was over for good. I started getting over her and then she'd come swanning back into my life, saying she'd made a big mistake she loved me, you know the drill. Of course being silly i went back to her because I still loved her. For a while though things were starting to look good she was getting over her depression and I believed that the person I fell in love with would once again be back. How wrong I was.

 

There came a time where I wanted to do something for me, regarding my childhood. I knew she was there for me through it, it was a really emotional hard time for me finding out things I did not know before. I felt as though she was just going through the motions though and it wasn't genuine empathy nor could she understand how I felt about finding out things from 20 years ago. Everything else was taking priority above how I felt and I felt as though I should not talk about my feelings because every time I tried i felt selfish. I was still there for her and her problems though but at the same time I was slipping into a depression. I really don't know what brought it on however i was finding it increasingly difficult to communicate with her about how I felt with my own things.

 

 

I did not stop telling her I loved her, because I never stopped loving her no bad things ever got. There have been many occasions where she has thrown things at me in an argument, luckily though she isn't a particularly good shot. I found that rather than hanging about when she done that though when the kids were upstairs, i should just go. She took that as I did not love her, when infact the opposite was true. I just did not want her kids to be frightened or whatever because we were arguing. Of course I came back and we made an effort to communicate better although I felt I was doing more of the communicating. She was out of her depression and it felt like she did not need me anymore.

 

 

I on the other hand was slipping into a deeper depression and although I sought help from my Doctor and was prescribed anti depressents I found they did not work. When I went back to him and explained this he told me to stop taking them and basically refused to try me on anything else. I thought it to be strange, and got frustrated with the fact that even he had given up on me. I wasn't even advised to up the dose of the medication I was on, even though I had been taking the lowest dose there was. I became more withdrawn. I could not sleep at night, my brain was full of why's and what fors when I tried. I would eventually fall asleep in the early hours of the morning and by the next day I felt so detached I really did not want to do anything. This went on for a while and I felt I'd never be free. I eventually asked my doctor to refer me to a counsellor because I felt I could not talk to anyone other than a complete stranger.

 

To cut an already lengthy story short I have been waiting a year for that counsellor. My ex girlfriend I think was even under the impression I had not asked to see one. When she was depressed she seemed to get help left right and centre because she told anyone and their dog about how she was feeling. I could not even talk to my doctor about how I was feeling. That is how detached i felt.

 

I had begun to feel slightly better and listened to my ex girlfriend ie, she wanted to go out and do things, i rarely did but I made the effort for her even though sometimes I just wanted to curl up and cry all the time. I admit I was not the easiest person to live with at times. I still loved her though.

 

We broke up about 6-7 weeks ago and for a week we had no contact until i emailed her basically pouring out my soul to her. She told me she loved me but wasn't ready to take me back again so i told her i would wait for her decision. Well we got back together on Bonfire night and i thought everything was going well. We were doing things together, the sex was back, everything was looking good. Until I asked her about something I knew she had lied about and denied before. She denied it yet again, but I gave her 4 or 5 chances to tell me the truth. She would not admit it even though I said i would show her proof of her lies. If she had admitted it to me it wuld have put some trust back but since she could deny something which was really no big issue I thought well, if she can lie about something so small, what else has she lied about?

 

I left her that day. I still have no had an apology for her lying to me. I also left some things at her house which I want back. However she has blocked all my emails, i removed her off msn it took her a week to do the same. So I phoned her and she said she would 'think' about giving me my stuff back. I sent her a msg on forum she uses asking her what was to think about and she's blocked my msgs on there now too. All I want is my things My big screen tv etc.

 

She is with someone else, no less than 2 days after I left. After i apprently 'broke her heart'. I was on msn her gay friend who i mentioned earlier on took great pleasure in telling me that she was upstairs having sex and would I like to see pictures of her neck. i blocked and deleted her email right then. I will not phone her again but really I just want my tv and other things so I can move on.

 

 

Sorry this post has been soooo long. I had so much to offload.

i appreciate any replies if any of you can be bothered to read my whole post.

 

Thankyou.

[Outcast]

The relationship is over at your urging so forget about her and move on. She had probably already emotionally detached from the relationship during your extended illness. Forget her, find a new doctor who will treat you, and move on.

[Sad green eyes uk]

Without sounding too sarcastic, sheesh I'd never thought of that!

 

 

Really though, why do people stay with you even if they are emotionally detached? If that was the case me and her would have been over a long time ago. I have emails from her from just a few months ago begging for me to come back because she just could not live without me.

[Outcast]

They stay because of inertia or because they think 'it' might come back or any number of reasons. And then eventually they go or are tossed out.