RecordProducer Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Life is made of moments that carry emotions like joy, grief, thrill, stress or boredom. You seem to lack the intensive moments while having it all "on paper." If you're not in love with your husband and want to meet someone else, you may choose to divorce and find your happiness elsewhere, but make sure you don't hurt your children too much in that process. Turning your energy into something constructive may bring back the zest for life and passion you long for so much. Perhaps you could work on your career, engage in some new activities, travel, meet new friends, go out more, hire a cleaning lady or stiop cooking every day, work on yourself or try new hobbies, rather than divorce. I think you have too much free time or too many obligations where your body is being exhausted while your mind remains idle (such as house chores, taking care of the kids, shopping for food, watching TV, etc.) If you could somehow have a few hours just for yourself several times per week - to do what makes you happy, you would probably be happy to return home and cuddle with your children or take a long bath with a good book. Factor number one for depression is staying at home buried in all kinds of obligations that constantly repeat and create a circle of well-known events where every day is the same as the previous one. In these circumstances even when you go out or do something for yourself, you don't feel like it has changed anything becaue you are chronically empty. (I've been there too in my previous marriage). The secret is probably to revive your passion for something and feel self-realized through it. Nothing breaks our dreams so painfully like a nice house and a nice set of kids if we lose our identity in the maelstrom of daily responsibilities. Envision your future and ask yourself what would make you happy in the long run. Meeting someone new and relying on him to bring excitement in your life might eventually only drag you deeper in colorless emotions. If you're going to leave your husband and find somebody else, make sure it's out of your desire to closely connect with someone and enjoy true love, rather than to create drama and break the boredom in your life at the expense of the four people who endlessly love you. The reason why your husband is letting you take a break is probably because men hate to see their wives unhappy. If he knows exactly how you feel, I assure you that he is devastated, but he doesn't want to be possessive - he wants you to want to be with him. So instead of giving you ultimatum or applying other forceful policies, he gives you the freedom of choice which shows how much he respects your decisions, even if they turn out to not be in his favor.
Ditherer Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 If the answer is within ourselves (those of us yearning for MORE) then it doesn't matter whether we leave or stay in a stale relationship, does it?! It won't make any difference! If we leave, we won't miss what we had, we'll just keep on searching.. if we stay we'll be forever suffering too. But if we leave, at least we feel we've got a chance and might just find what we're after. If though, as I suspect, the answer if not ENTIRELY within ourselves, than we have indeed got nothing to lose by abandoning a duff marriage and trying to start again. Sometimes I question the motives of people posting on this site, like it's their mission to encourage people to waste their lives clinging on to a broken marriage because those naive promises in their wedding vows were so ****** sacred!! Well stuff it, we all make mistakes, surely we don't have to suffer for all time because of misguided inexperience years ago? The fact that divorce is possible shows that at least some people agree.. thank The Lord for that! I've seen good relationships and bad ones. I've had good friendships and bad short ones. I'm convinced relationships are the same.. you can't FORCE yourself to love someone if it's just not there. No amount of 'working at' a poor relationship is going to be worth it. Cut loose and try again. I just wish it was that easy
Outcast Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 you can't FORCE yourself to love someone if it's just not there. No amount of 'working at' a poor relationship is going to be worth it. The stats are that a large proportion of people who stay in marriages they characterize as 'unhappy' when surveyed at one point answer that their marriages are 'happy' when they are surveyed several years later. Bad patches can be worked through and the shared history, initial bonding, etc. can help to create the fulfilling relationship that people want. It may be true that you feel we've got a chance and might just find what we're after. if you leave, but what a rotten shame if you leave, sort your inner issues out, and then realize that what you were after was right there in the marriage. And I know at least one couple that happened to. There's nothing at all wrong with suggesting someone stay in the marriage while exploring ways to alter her own perspective. If she tries hard to re-engineer her life and even attends something like ME and still feels something's wrong, then she can leave knowing that she explored all other possible solutions first.
Author CentoStelle Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 It also sounds like you had expectations that have not been met in the relationship from the start? To answer your question....... no it is not impossible to find a person you can adore and respect, that is easy.... to keep adoring and respecting the person you are with, that is much harder. a4a, Very very true...its harder to keep someone than just attract them and marry them in the first place. I think if each partner works on his/herself to their fullest potential, the relationship has got legs.... Outcast - will hunt down John Gottmans website - thanks. I'm far from perfect in terms of knowing myself but I think I 'work' on myself (or try to) a great deal...I dont want to be judgemental, but I think my partner hasnt even looked at himself in 10 years or tried to rectify anything, except HE LOVES ME.....GOD, can you see what a mess this is! Now...I'm just reading through all the responses...so apologies for this this seemingly listy posting...'BECOMING' - I PONDER THIS VERY QUESTION DAILY - 'IS there ever going to be a place in me where I feel so unreal with someone'-well I have to believe - YES, or else I may as well be dead. I think it's all got to do with SELF-RESPECT and ATTRACTION. The more you respect yourself you are then able to address the higher part of yourself, from which open channels for love. ATTRACTION and HIGHEST FORM OF SELF-RESPECT may equate to something similar to everlasting love...(dare I mention this). ATTRACTION of course is a reflection of where you are now in your life..So if you have stuff to work out, you will undoubtedly attract a similar partner. THIS MEANS I WILL BE ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD WHEN I AM READY TO HAVE EVERLASTING LOVE....
Author CentoStelle Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 Wow, this sounds so much like what I am going thru. You know, I have thought so much about this topic...hence my response below. I believe it's got to do with where you are in your life and how far you have progressed as a human being. AND if you are with someone who is not working on themselves and you are.....well diverging paths are emerging. I believe in soul stuff...but only because it makes sense to think about progession... OK...I'm going to start a new thread ..."IS WORKING ON YOURSELF, THE ULTIMATE GIFT YOU CAN GIVE IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN ATTRACTION"....this is what I'd like to probe..
reddog63 Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 This is somewhat of a diversion from the topic...........but its a perspective that comes to mind from time to time..... People in general give more thought in buying a car then they do choosing a life partner. In buying a car, you decide on color, style, if want sun roof, options, etc. In other words, you buy what you want in a car. For the most part, people fall for someone and let feelings cloud whether the two are a good match. i.e. will this woman(man) make a good mom(dad)? is her(his) religion the same? is she(he) in shape? and on and on. I was to young when I got married to know what I wanted in a woman. And for the most part I think I got lucky on the scale of things but on hindsight, we are not the best match. On a different thought...........I have read a lot of posts on this subject of one spouse not being satisfied in a relationship even though the other spouse is a "good husband/wife". Plus I know many couples where one of the spouses feel this way in real life. I sometimes wonder how high these numbers are and the answers behind why this happens. Although I do not totally know the answer in my own mind, I have noticed that responses range from semi complex to simple. Some say you need to fix yourself or whats missing to leave and go for it. Interesting subject.
MySugaree Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 If the kids are young, that is preadolescent, I wouldn't sacrifice their stability, father and happiness for a potential soulmate.If your misery is manageable, I'd get therapy, fantasize and develop hobbies. It sounds to me, though, that you're an "affair" waiting to happen. While an affair is "fun" --at least for you--it's devastating for your family. My advice is to stay off that Highway to Hell--no matter how sweet the ride. Try to keep the family together at least until your kids are in college.
FWIW Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 If the kids are young ... I wouldn't sacrifice their stability, father and happiness for a potential soulmate. If your misery is manageable... try to keep the family together at least until your kids are in college. i.e. suffer in silence! But it's not just a question of how manageable the misery is : What kind of example does that set for the kids? Why deceive your partner, if you know you're just gritting your teeth and getting on with it, without your heart in it? Why deny your partner a chance to find a new partner who truly appreciates them? Why miss out on a lifestyle with the freedom to find someone new, before it's too late because you're too old? Why delay the inevitable, while you're both young enough to cope, with all the parental support that you may not have when you're older?
Outcast Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 What kind of example does that set for the kids? That you don't quit at the first sign of something not going well. Why deceive your partner, if you know you're just gritting your teeth and getting on with it, without your heart in it? Because maybe it's not about him or the marriage at all but about you and your own issues that need to be resolved. Why deny your partner a chance to find a new partner who truly appreciates them? Because you may be that person if you get your own head on straight. Why miss out on a lifestyle with the freedom to find someone new, before it's too late because you're too old? Because the belief that the grass is always greener is usually bogus. Why delay the inevitable, while you're both young enough to cope, with all the parental support that you may not have when you're older? Huh? Who says parents are there or will support?
FWIW Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 What kind of example does that set for the kids? That you don't quit at the first sign of something not going well. How about if it's NOT the FIRST sign.. it's been bad for years and you're finally trying to face it instead of suppressing the unfulfillment? Why deceive your partner, if you know you're just gritting your teeth and getting on with it, without your heart in it? Because maybe it's not about him or the marriage at all but about you and your own issues that need to be resolved. Or maybe it IS about the marriage? It should be pretty obvious, that's the crux of it. But what if the person isn't 100% sure? What then, I wonder?! Why deny your partner a chance to find a new partner who truly appreciates them? Because you may be that person if you get your own head on straight. Again, you need to work THAT one out for yourself, I guess. It's not always likely to be the case.. I'm 'arguing' with you because from a defensive point of view from someone who might be in anguish over such things, it might be perceived that you are trying to say it's almost always as you see it, even though the person battling with this issue may feel totally the opposite. Why miss out on a lifestyle with the freedom to find someone new, before it's too late because you're too old? Because the belief that the grass is always greener is usually bogus. How can you say that, if the relationship has been lousy for a long time (or even from the start!) - ? It depends how much love was there to start with, love that could be rekindled. If it was just a case of "I'll go along with this because it's better than being single" right from the word go, then it's quite possible the grass is a LOT greener elsewhere!! Why delay the inevitable, while you're both young enough to cope, with all the parental support that you may not have when you're older? Huh? Who says parents are there or will support? It's more likely if you split while you're still young.
Outcast Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 That's all well and fine, but very often the case is that the problem IS within the person herself (or himself) so why not investigate that possibility and try some other things like Marriage Encounter before throwing the whole thing in the trash? There's all sorts of regrets, but one of the bitterest is tossing out a relationship that wasn't the cause of your problems. I know people who did it and they rued the day. So IMHO it's worth trying EVERYTHING before you decide that the marriage is the crux of the problem and that that's irreparable.
reddog63 Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 "That's all well and fine, but very often the case is that the problem IS within the person herself (or himself) so why not investigate that possibility and try some other things like Marriage Encounter before throwing the whole thing in the trash? " How/Where do you draw this conclusion that the problem IS often within the person himself???? You state it as if its a fact.
a4a Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 "That's all well and fine, but very often the case is that the problem IS within the person herself (or himself) so why not investigate that possibility and try some other things like Marriage Encounter before throwing the whole thing in the trash? " How/Where do you draw this conclusion that the problem IS often within the person himself???? You state it as if its a fact. Perhaps the idea is to change how you precieve the marriage? Change your outlook on things and adapt to your partner? a4a
Outcast Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 How/Where do you draw this conclusion that the problem IS often within the person himself???? You state it as if its a fact. That would be because it is a fact. I've been interested in people, psychology, and relationships since I was a pre-teen. I've been reading articles and books on relationships since then as well, including cases of marriage problems and counselling and that is what I learned. Remember, the OP isn't complaining that her spouse is neglectful or abusive or in any way difficult to get along with. She's just looking for 'something else' and it is a fact that this sort of angst is very often solved through introspection and reflection as has been suggested in earlier posts. Perhaps the idea is to change how you precieve the marriage? Change your outlook on things and adapt to your partner? That's certainly one thing - and, obviously, one's perception comes from within oneself
a4a Posted December 1, 2005 Posted December 1, 2005 At what point does one throw in the towel on a marriage if your attempts to change your own outlook or adapt to your partner fail to fulfill your needs/desires from a relationship..... or how long should you deny yourself the things that you want from a relationship and settle for what you have in the relationship? I have been down this road. I got tired of changing who I was and what I wanted and deserved to adapt to my partners short comings in the relationship. Again I am not stating that the OP should just chuck the relationship. But sometimes you can only change your perception about a relationship so much until you reach the point where you are just pretending that it is what you really want out of the relationship. This can also be applied to people that make excuses to remain in abusive relationships. For each individual it is different, for each marriage circumstances are different. I just hate to see a person told because they are unhappy in their marriage its their fault and by changing their perspective/themselves on it will solve the problem........ for some it just does not work. I hope the OP can work this out with her husband, but if she feels that strongly after exhausting any possible avenues to find satisfaction in the relationship that she can move forward without guilt and find happiness with a partner she desires. a4a
Author CentoStelle Posted December 2, 2005 Author Posted December 2, 2005 Thank you for the feedback and interesting debate. I just wanted to say that fixing your 'HEAD' in terms of (the problem is within you) is not always going to result in an outcome which means you will self-sacrifice and putting aside things that bring you core happiness. Trying to work out how inadequate you are or what your failings are and trying to address these will not necessarily instill dicipline to do the 'right' thing. I think listening and following your 'true' heart is the imperative path. Most people really know where they ought to be/or do, listening to your heart will ALWAYS lead you in the right direction, but of course you need to evaluate with your head in order not to leave a trail of destruction. As SUGAREE put it, jumping on the 'Highway to Hell' should really be given some thought. I guess for me it a timing issue. And of course, TIME may have the beautiful consquence of changing your true heart's desire. I guess my heart and head are on the battle field...which is why I logged onto this site in the first place...
a4a Posted December 2, 2005 Posted December 2, 2005 I guess for me it a timing issue. And of course, TIME may have the beautiful consquence of changing your true heart's desire. I guess my heart and head are on the battle field...which is why I logged onto this site in the first place... The best of luck to you Cento! You will reach the point where either your heart of head will win....it takes time to iron these things out. Be honest with yourself and the right decision will come to you. a4a
Ditherer Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 Outcast, you seem to be hellbent upon getting people to stay together no matter what, JUST IN CASE it happens to work out in the future at some unspecified distant time... do you REALLY INSIST that I stay miserably in a relationship I no longer believe in.. on the off-chance that after an unfulfilling few years I might just find she's better than nothing?!!
Outcast Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 Outcast, you seem to be hellbent upon getting people to stay together no matter, JUST IN CASE it happens to work out in the future at some unspecified distant time... do you REALLY insist I stay miserably in a relationship I no longer believe in.. on the off-chance that after an unfulfilling few years I might just find she's better than nothing?!! Not in the least. I told your brother in spirit MWC to get off the damn fence and leave but he's still dithering. It's about the quality of the relationship. If the person you're with isn't objectionable (as MWC's wife is) then it might be worth trying to save the relationship. If you'll read what I've written, you'll see that I say BEFORE you toss over the marriage you should do all possible to make sure you're not doing something dumb. It's the 'baby with the bathwater' syndrome. There's an ad on TV too like that - you don't tear down the whole house if a fuse blows. Could be that the OPs problems lie in her inner discontent, that it's not the fault of the marriage at all, and that if she does some work on herself she'll solve the problem. I also said that I've seen people think their marriages were the problem only to leave and regret it. I'm just advocating that one make a very careful analysis before one blames one's marriage for one's problems.
Author CentoStelle Posted December 4, 2005 Author Posted December 4, 2005 The best of luck to you Cento! You will reach the point where either your heart of head will win....it takes time to iron these things out. Be honest with yourself and the right decision will come to you. a4a Thanks a4a, you are very supportive and I can tell you are coming from an wise place. For me it will take a considerable amount of time, not only because I will consider myself to be the bringer of pain to an otherwise seemingly decent union, but the actual practical issues of having small children etc... Its not easy, but I must always be true to myself or else why the heck take up breathing space. Something I read today really helped....'Trust the process'.... that whereever you are, there is a reason for it and that trusting beyond the everyday stuff is both liberating and powerful. I know things will eventually work out for the best in the long run whatever the scenario....all I have to do is make sure I don't reach 100 before the scenario arrives.
reader Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 You know, I have to say this has been an interesting thread and I would like to point out one thing. Let go of the age thing. I am happy to report, at least in my experience, older is better is every respect.
pinkrosette Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 I have to agree with the posters who say that it doesn't make sense for people to stay married no matter what. I never could understand that reasoning. For some reason, people think that you should stay with the person as long as they're a nice, decent person. There are plenty of guys who I think are nice decent guys but that doesn't make me like them romantically. Sure I could marry one of them and it would be pleasant but I wouldn't be satisfied with that. A lot of times people get married for the wrong reasons (pregnant, pressure from family, friends all getting married...) so does that mean they should stay with someone who they married for the wrong reasons? And so what if they don't find someone better. Sometimes it's better to be alone than to be with someone who you just feel so-so about. And at least when you're single, you have the possibility of finding someone you feel more attracted to. I think a lot of people who aren't really connected or attracted to their partner tell themselves that their feelings are wrong, because after all, their partner is a nice person, so they shouldn't be feeling that way.
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 Sadly too, people can fall out of love with eachother and realize that they made a mistake. Doesn't involve anybody else, just a feeling. Very recently a friend of mine told me she fell out of love with her husband. They've talked and it seems he's felt the same way too. 9 years of marriage, no kids. They do love eachother but now feel it's time to say goodbye. Sad.
Author CentoStelle Posted December 5, 2005 Author Posted December 5, 2005 You know, I have to say this has been an interesting thread and I would like to point out one thing. Let go of the age thing. I am happy to report, at least in my experience, older is better is every respect. Thanks Reader & Pinkrosette....I like your attitudes. I will stop obsessing over 'life passing me by"...thank you.
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