And it comes to this...

[Torn Up]

Hello, all. Been a while since I've last visited here, and after all that has taken place since then, I felt a great need to come here this evening. My pain and anger run deep, and rather than contacting him, I thought it best to come here instead. Guess you could say I'm having a weak moment right now and I need to get through it.

 

I have broken it off with my MM 3 times now, and thus far have not budged from my NC mode this 3rd, and hopefully, final round.

 

Our final parting of ways came 2 weeks ago when we took a weekend trip to the coast together. At this time, he was living with me after leaving his wife. I was not keen on the idea of him moving in, but there really was nowhere else for him to go. I found his presence here stressful, and I felt constantly nervous and tense. He complained, amongst many other things, that I seemed "uptight" all the time. He's right...I was! The fact that he was invading my space, interrupting my routine and lifestyle, as well as his constant mood changes, I felt awkward and nervous in his presence. And the fact that he made numerous trips to he and his wife's home to "work on the house" (he and she were in the midst of refurbishing the house to sale this spring and he feared the house was not weather proofed and was attempting to do so to protect his investment), didn't settle well with me. So, yes...between my jumpy nerves with him here, and my intense distrust of him, things were not going well here.

 

We went on our weekend trip to the coast, and on the first day, things went smooth. But by the second day, the charm was beginning to wear off. I noticed that as long as we were doing something he suggested, things were fine. But while doing things that I suggested, he would often fall silent, as though he were sulking. We engaged in a few minor agruments and our nerves were raw. By Monday morning, I looked forward to heading home.

 

That evening at home, things weren't any better. We were both tired from the long trip. But the following morning didn't fair any better. Our conversation was strained, our physical contact minimal, our hug goodbye as I walked out the door for work was superficial at best.

 

That evening I came home to a house empty of his things and a letter left for me. His letter read as follows:

 

K,

 

"This morning finds me feeling emotionally drained. It started when I found you sleeping on the couch last night on account of my snoring and (I guess) coughin. I felt so bad. Sleeping on the couch in your own home is quite simply something that should not happen.

 

I was tickled that I was able to coax you back into bed but then, once wewoke up everything seemed strained between us. I'm sure your mind was on work and dealing with the stress of it, but I couldn't help but feel that there was more going on. I felt like an intruder.

 

Maybe it was just me and I was only tripping, but I couldn't seem to shake that feeling. Somehow the three pats you gave me on my back when we hugged goodbye cut through me and I felt that it was the parting of friends and not life mates. Sound silly? Well, I still can't shake that feeling.

 

I sat outside your porch trying to sort out my feelings, my cares, my love, and my future. The events of this weekend were also weighing heavy on my mind. I had so many thoughts of all those feelings and issues concerning "us" that you had brought up over the past several weeks as well as your fears and the problems that cause you worry in our relationship. Well, I know for a fact that you were speaking from your heart.

 

I want to say that I so much appreciate your hospitality in opening up your home to me while I walk that path towards my divorce. It brought so much cheer into my life being there and sharing. This morning I have to admit it to myself that if our relationship is to ever go the direction that I prayed it would, things need to be different.

 

First of all, I need to eliminate the "emotional baggage" that I try so hard to hide but nonetheless, still carry inside me. Bottom line, I need to get through my divorce and take care of a few other issues like my daughter to feel free and at peace. Honestly, how can I really let my hair down and be myself with so much crap going on?

 

My daughter never did respond to the voice mail I left yesterday asking her to join me for lunch today and I'll be honest, K, that she didn't return the call bothers me a great deal. I badly need to focus much attention to my relationship with her. It's going to be an uphill battle of that, I am certain. At this point, I can only hope she's willing to give me the chance to start.

 

I think too, that there is something inherently wrong with me living inside your home. It should be the other way around and I should be the one asking you to move in with me. I wish that right now I could invite you to do so.

 

You know, it also seems that we were closer to each other when we didn't live together. We seemed so much more happy and carefree back then and I suspect that in many ways, you share those same feelings.

 

The stress we've both been under has taken a toll. Me, I really don't desire to date other women as you've suggested several times that I should. While I badly desire a lasting relationship with you I know that we both need to find ourselves first to make that relationship solid.

 

Well, this morning I took the first step and I've packed up my stuff and moved myself out of your house. Damn, K, I'm crying while I write this. I really don't know what I need to do or whre to start other than moving back into my motor home. ****, I don't even know where I'm going to park the darn thing. I feel terrible about doing this without a discussion but it is important to me that your son not be there, or worse yet see me packing. I know he's coming home with you this evening and didn't know what else to do.

 

But you know, I think I'm doing the right thing this morning. You see, I have to say that you were wrong yesterday when you told me that, "we didn't have the time to extend this decision about our relationship." K, we actually do have the time to extend that decision and we'd best take advantage of it and use it wisely for making a life long commitment to another person is an enormous decison and this morning it seems to me, that right now is definitely not the time for either of us to make it.

 

I would love nothing more than to continue to visit, date and hike with you and to give ourselves that time we both need to know exactly what it is we want in life. Like you said, "If we come back together it was meant to be." And even though the thought of it has caused you much distress, it would make me so proud to have you as my compainion at the ER Christmas party. I do love you very much, K.

 

But if it is your desire to end our relationship as lovers, I'll also understand. Who knows what the future holds for either of us?

 

K, I consider you as my very best friend and during my divorce, I'd very much appreciate having you in my corner for friendship and advice, legal assistance and being there with a listening-caring ear and lending me a shoulder to cry on when the going turns ugly as no doubt, it will.

 

K, I pray that my decision to move out this morning is the right thing to do and that somehow, it strengthens our relationship rather than destroys it. I guess time will tell.

 

I love you, K

M.

 

This happened 2 weeks ago, and I have done LOTS of crying since then. We did meet face to face last Monday to "discuss" what has taken place between us, and I let him have it full barrells for all he's put me through, and for the way he chose to move out, which I felt he took the coward's way out by not paying me the respect of telling me to my face of his decision rather than leaving a letter. He kept telling me over and over again how much he missed me, but I was too angry to hear him. Other than that, he sent me an email wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving on Thursday. No other contact has been made between us since he has moved out.

 

At this point, I feel deeply hurt and angry. I have gone through hell over my relationship with him....calls and visits from his wife which laid a lot of guilt on my shoulders, disapproval from my family and friends, and strange looks from my co-workers (he and I work at the same hospital), not to mention the self-loath I have for myself for getting involved with a married man...something I have ALWAYS been against. And it all boiled down to this. NOT WORTH IT!

 

Thing is, I honestly don't know how to take the above letter. Because my emotions are all over the map, I can't be objective here. I don't know if this letter truly speaks from his heart and he did take this action in hope to strengthen our relationship, as he stated, or if it's a "kiss-off" letter.

 

I truly don't know.

 

Once again, sign me off as...

 

"Torn Up".

[Sloppy]

Oh girl, I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

Good to see you back! I'm off to read your post now. I wish I could contact you, I am in a very similiar situation and wish we could discuss that. My pm doesn't work though:(

[whichwayisup]

First of all, I need to eliminate the "emotional baggage" that I try so hard to hide but nonetheless, still carry inside me. Bottom line, I need to get through my divorce and take care of a few other issues like my daughter to feel free and at peace. Honestly, how can I really let my hair down and be myself with so much crap going on?

 

My daughter never did respond to the voice mail I left yesterday asking her to join me for lunch today and I'll be honest, K, that she didn't return the call bothers me a great deal. I badly need to focus much attention to my relationship with her. It's going to be an uphill battle of that, I am certain. At this point, I can only hope she's willing to give me the chance to start.

 

I think too, that there is something inherently wrong with me living inside your home. It should be the other way around and I should be the one asking you to move in with me. I wish that right now I could invite you to do so.

 

You know, it also seems that we were closer to each other when we didn't live together. We seemed so much more happy and carefree back then and I suspect that in many ways, you share those same feelings.

 

The stress we've both been under has taken a toll. Me, I really don't desire to date other women as you've suggested several times that I should. While I badly desire a lasting relationship with you I know that we both need to find ourselves first to make that relationship solid.

 

He's been very honest with you, not meaning to hurt you. But his words are very important and make alot of sense.

 

What he expressed, his feelings, his fears and emotional baggage is WHY many OW/MM relationships rarely work out. I'm sorry to say that...But it isn't possible for anybody to leave a marriage, even by choice and jump into another relationship so fast. Start a new life. That's alot to expect and isn't easy to do.

 

Sorry for your pain, I hope you feel better soon.

[Torn Up]

Oh girl, I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

Good to see you back! I'm off to read your post now. I wish I could contact you, I am in a very similiar situation and wish we could discuss that. My pm doesn't work though:(

 

Hello Sloppy...

 

If your situation is similar to mine, you definitely have my full sympathy! I would love to chat with you about your situation, perhaps swap some advice, or even if just to lend each other a shoulder to cry on would help. I'd post my email address here, but I'm not sure if we're allowed to do that.

 

I'm having a HORRIBLE time with this tonight, Sloppy. Not sure why. It's been 2 weeks since our split, and for the most part, I have felt strong. That's not to say I haven't been hurting - I have, deeply - but tonight I'm struggling hard. I can't stop crying, I'm pacing around the house, I'm fighting to keep from dialing his cell phone. I've done so good so far and I don't want to cave in to this weak moment because I know I'll regret it.

 

God...I hurt SO bad tonight.

 

~Torn Up~

[Sloppy]

TOrn, if you'd like to join us in our MM conversation, please email me at [email protected]

I will then give you the real email.

[Torn Up]

He's been very honest with you, not meaning to hurt you. But his words are very important and make alot of sense.

 

What he expressed, his feelings, his fears and emotional baggage is WHY many OW/MM relationships rarely work out. I'm sorry to say that...But it isn't possible for anybody to leave a marriage, even by choice and jump into another relationship so fast. Start a new life. That's alot to expect and isn't easy to do.

 

Sorry for your pain, I hope you feel better soon.

 

Thank you for your advice, Whichway. I know you speak the truth, a similar truth I spoke to him when I suggested he date other women and me other men, and if we found ourselves back together after all is said and done, then it was meant to be.

 

He, of course, immediately objected to my suggestion. Swore to me that he had found the woman he desired to spend the rest of his life with (me). Said it would be a waste of his time to date other women because he knew he would be comparing them to me.

 

You know, I side-stepped this man's invites to "go hiking together," as well as his subtle comments revealing his interest in me for over a year. It got to the point the women I work with were teasing me about his obvious "fancy" of me. I knew he was married, and because I have always stood by my conviction of NEVER getting involved with a married man, I avoided his advances and interest.

 

But then things began to change. For starters, he told me he and his wife had agreed to end their marriage, that they agreed there was no love for each other anymore. I was also told that she had a boyfriend, and both agreed to part company when their daughter graduated from high school and off to college, which would have been this coming summer. Said that they agreed to be "mindful" of each other's feelings, and to keep a cap on their intention to divorce for the sake of their daughter.

 

So, because I had befriended this man and found myself attracted to him as well, I agreed to go on a hike with him. And, well...things blossomed from there to.....here.

 

So much has happened in the 4 months we've been together it makes me dizzy just thinking about it. This by far is one the most intense relationships I've ever been in...including my past marriage. I'm having a hard time grasping WHY I hurt so much over the split of this relationship, when in fact, I did not hurt nearly as bad at the end of other relationships in my life...relationships that lasted much longer than this one. Yet, here I am...a complete mess tonight.

 

I can't believe how horribly bad I hurt right now. As I said to Sloppy, I am literally pacing around my house, crying...feeling sick to my stomach, and drinking Baileys to take the edge off. I honestly don't understand why it is hitting me so hard tonight. Our split came 2 weeks ago, and I was doing fairly well until tonight. I feel as though my world is caving in.

 

I want so badly to call him, to hear his voice, to reach out to him...but I know I will regret doing so. So, I will continue to pace and drink Baileys.

 

I honestly can't wait for sleep to take me tonight.

 

~Torn Up~

[newbby]

torn up,

to me the letter sounds genuine but obviously it is hard to tell without ever having met the guy. perhaps he is afraid of pushing you away, afraid that you can only take him for what he was in the fantasy relationship you both had. bringing it into reality means that you both have to accept each other warts and all and you both have to be vunerable enough to expose your true selves. this happens in any relationship, but relationships such as these start off very much in a fantasy, they are a safe relationship in many ways despite being very painful too. i think you are both in pain, and both nervous about being real.

[feistyfloridagirl]

I feel your pain, tornup, I really do. I too was married and I found that it was easier to end a 6 year relationship then it was to end a 5 month relationship. The pain consumes me daily, but I am trying so hard to be strong. Tomorrow will be the true test, when I have to see him at work. Hopefully, we will both be able to be respectful to eachother and maintain some form of a working relationship. Nobody at work has any clue about what has been going on between us and I mean nobody.

 

Be strong, my friend...my thoughts are with you.

[nextel]

what were you expecting from your relationship with him?

 

One thing I have learned about relationships is this.....the way they start, is the way it will always be.

 

I am saying this to say, you got involved with a man that had/has a wife. Your relationship was based on deceit. Now you wonder about his letter to you.

 

You know, its one thing to get a man: its another to keep him.

 

I wish you well.

[foolinlove]

It sounds like this man is truely sincere in the way he feels for you. I don't think the letter is meant to push you away, its meant to help you understand why he is acting, reacting the way he is. He is no doubt ashamed about coming into your home and living....his ego can't help that.

 

I truely understand how you are feeling in regards to starting a relationship so soon after a divorce. My MM....too split and vows that he wants to spend his life with me, and I say...how can you so easily say that when you have spent the last 15 years with one other woman? I question his true intentions of "being in love" with me as a fear of being alone. I agree with you, that in order for anything to work between the two of you he has to be out on his own on his own two feet and ready to open up. This all takes time! I find that my MM living on his own is the best thing for us...although he wants me to move in very soon....divorce final in a while. I think he needs time..time to think, time alone, and although they do not have any kids together...(adopted child) things are still complicated at this point.

 

I have promised him that I would be that shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to....because this is what I have wanted for so long. HIM! I have seen him in his moments of weakness, pathetic moments, strong moments...and through these moments we've become close. He knows that I am his friend no matter what...things don't work out...he can alway talk to me and I to him. That has always been so important to me, because you have to be best friends before you can be life long lovers...

 

What concerns me about your situation is how FAST everything has escalated...he has moved out and moving towards divorce which is GREAT, considering most OW hear this crap for years. So he was sincere in that respect....but in 4 months how can he be so certain of himself and how he feels when he has been under nothing but constant stress during this time. He is confused...and I think time on his own will help him evaluate things, make him stronger. I do think if you love this man, you should be that shoulder for him, because leaving him in his weakest moment may tell him that you would leave during ANY weak moment. Some will disagree, but that is part of friendship being there for someone....through good and bad. Doesn't mean you have to open your sheets to him....just open your phone line.

 

Just my thoughts.....best of luck with your emotions...they can be tricky!

[veronese]

I thought that was an honest letter written by someone in emotional turmoil, confusion and pain. He seems to genuinely love you. If my husband put as much effort and feeling into a letter to me the shock would probably kill me!

 

I may be wrong but I don't think you will understand what he said properly until your pain subsides.

 

It doesn't sound like he's dumping you. He sounds like he's hurting a lot just as he should, and needs time to get through this. You weren't happy with the situation either and was struggling with your feelings about him.

 

He's done the right thing by leaving before your relationship got ruined. He needs to focus on his daughter and come to terms with the guilt of hurting her, but he doesn't want to hurt you while he goes through this.

 

Who knows if you'll end up together or not but I do believe what he has done will make it more likely to happen.

 

I may be wrong but your MM sounds like a nice guy who recognises the sadness and pain of ending a marriage. He also sounds like he loves you very much.

 

Good luck

 

veron

[Torn Up]

torn up,

to me the letter sounds genuine but obviously it is hard to tell without ever having met the guy. perhaps he is afraid of pushing you away, afraid that you can only take him for what he was in the fantasy relationship you both had. bringing it into reality means that you both have to accept each other warts and all and you both have to be vunerable enough to expose your true selves. this happens in any relationship, but relationships such as these start off very much in a fantasy, they are a safe relationship in many ways despite being very painful too. i think you are both in pain, and both nervous about being real.

 

Hello, Newby...

 

I think you're correct in your detection of our fear in this relationship...fantasy vs reality. He has said on more than one occasion that he feels 'insecure' about the relationship.

 

I believe his fear stems from my rollercoaster emotions....which, of course, effected him. At one moment, I felt happy, content with him. Then suddenly, let it be because of something he said or did, I would do a complete turnabout and have serious fears and doubts about us.

 

Given the baggage we were both dealing with in our personal lives, is it any wonder our relationship suffered so badly?

 

And, of course, I couldn't shake the fear that he'd cheat on me someday as he did his wife. That wasn't something I could shake, no matter how much I tried, and continued to be a real thorn in this relationship, which he found very frustrating.

 

I honestly don't know where this relationship will go...if it will end permanently, or if it will continue to grow.

 

Right now, we're not even communicating so I have no idea what to expect.

 

Guess time will tell.

 

Thank you so much for your response. Much appreciated.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

TOrn, if you'd like to join us in our MM conversation, please email me at [email protected]

I will then give you the real email.

 

Hey Sloppy girl...

 

Want you to know I very much enjoyed our conversation last night and feel much better today. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, it helped me so much! I was at my lowest point last night and honestly felt at one point I was going to lose it.

 

Thank you for being there for me.

 

I hope you're feeling better tonight as well. And please know that I'm here for you as well should you need somebody to talk to. You know I KNOW what you're going through, the intense pain you feel.

 

You're a good person, and I'm so glad I got to meet you.

 

Your bud,

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

I feel your pain, tornup, I really do. I too was married and I found that it was easier to end a 6 year relationship then it was to end a 5 month relationship. The pain consumes me daily, but I am trying so hard to be strong. Tomorrow will be the true test, when I have to see him at work. Hopefully, we will both be able to be respectful to eachother and maintain some form of a working relationship. Nobody at work has any clue about what has been going on between us and I mean nobody.

 

Be strong, my friend...my thoughts are with you.

 

Feisty, thank you so much for this!

 

It brings me some relief to know that I'm not the only one who found themselves torn apart by a relationship that lasted but a short time compared to others that lasted much longer. It truly perplexes me and I still haven't determined WHY this has had such a harsh impact on me. I will tell you that my love for this man is intense, so perhaps that alone has caused this deep of pain.

 

I hope today went well for you at work. Did you see him? If so, how did it go? Was he pleasant? How did you handle it?

 

I'm anxious to hear how it went and how you are now feeling.

 

Thank you so much for your support.

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

what were you expecting from your relationship with him?

 

One thing I have learned about relationships is this.....the way they start, is the way it will always be.

 

I am saying this to say, you got involved with a man that had/has a wife. Your relationship was based on deceit. Now you wonder about his letter to you.

 

You know, its one thing to get a man: its another to keep him.

 

I wish you well.

 

You know, Nextel...I can appreciate what you're saying here, but I do not appreciate the tone of which you have chosen to express it.

 

Apparently, you haven't read all my posts and aren't aware of how this relationship began in the first place. And to be honest, I haven't the energy right now to bring you up to date.

 

Yes, I screwed up when I got involved with him...similar to yours, and just about everybody else's screw up's in life. You live, you breath...I can guarantee that at some given point in the course of your life, you WILL screw up. Perhaps not THIS particular screw up, but a screw up in another area, nonetheless. So please, drop your casting stone before you enter here. We've got society as a whole to cast stones at us, so we don't come here to have yet another one hurled our way. I truly don't mind hearing thoughts, and even some criticism, when I come here, so long as its done with some compassion and tact.

 

But to answer your questions....

 

What did I expect from this relationship? Hmmmm...a good question, really. Well, to take this back some, he and I were good friends for well over a year before we got involved. We work together and found we had a lot in common. I knew he was married and I NEVER entertained the thought of getting involved with him. No way, absolutely not. I've always stayed clear of married men.

 

But he told me his marriage was coming to an end...mutually agreed by both. I still didn't get involved with him after he told me this. I continued to side step his invites to hike, etc. Eventually, though, through his persistance, I agreed to go hiking with him. Nothing happened between us for some time, but eventually things began to heat up, and well....the rest is history.

 

I really didn't "expect" anything at first, other than friendship. And even when we first became intimate, my expectations remained neutral. But as time wore on, and we became deeply involved...both emotionally and physically, my expectations rose, and were heightened by his constant words and actions of love for me.

 

Did I believe him? No. I had serious doubts for quite some time. But he hung in there, continued to not only tell me, but SHOW his love for me. Gradually, I began to believe him, to trust that he was telling me the truth. And with that trust came higher expectations.

 

Yes, I did genuinely believe that we'd make it...so did he, and still does.

 

Do I feel guilt over this? Absolutely! More so than I can express here.

 

Can I change what happened?

 

What do you think. It happened, and it is what it is.

 

As far as your comment...."It's one thing to get a man, it's another to keep him," which I found rather snide, my parting shot to that is...

 

"It's one thing to get a man, it's another to decide if *YOU* want to keep him."

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

It sounds like this man is truely sincere in the way he feels for you. I don't think the letter is meant to push you away, its meant to help you understand why he is acting, reacting the way he is. He is no doubt ashamed about coming into your home and living....his ego can't help that.

 

I truely understand how you are feeling in regards to starting a relationship so soon after a divorce. My MM....too split and vows that he wants to spend his life with me, and I say...how can you so easily say that when you have spent the last 15 years with one other woman? I question his true intentions of "being in love" with me as a fear of being alone. I agree with you, that in order for anything to work between the two of you he has to be out on his own on his own two feet and ready to open up. This all takes time! I find that my MM living on his own is the best thing for us...although he wants me to move in very soon....divorce final in a while. I think he needs time..time to think, time alone, and although they do not have any kids together...(adopted child) things are still complicated at this point.

 

I have promised him that I would be that shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to....because this is what I have wanted for so long. HIM! I have seen him in his moments of weakness, pathetic moments, strong moments...and through these moments we've become close. He knows that I am his friend no matter what...things don't work out...he can alway talk to me and I to him. That has always been so important to me, because you have to be best friends before you can be life long lovers...

 

What concerns me about your situation is how FAST everything has escalated...he has moved out and moving towards divorce which is GREAT, considering most OW hear this crap for years. So he was sincere in that respect....but in 4 months how can he be so certain of himself and how he feels when he has been under nothing but constant stress during this time. He is confused...and I think time on his own will help him evaluate things, make him stronger. I do think if you love this man, you should be that shoulder for him, because leaving him in his weakest moment may tell him that you would leave during ANY weak moment. Some will disagree, but that is part of friendship being there for someone....through good and bad. Doesn't mean you have to open your sheets to him....just open your phone line.

 

Just my thoughts.....best of luck with your emotions...they can be tricky!

 

 

Hello InLove...

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. I agree, it's entirely too soon for him to make this kind of commitment to me after leaving a marriage of 18 years, and I told him so. He strongly disagreed with me, was adamant that he wanted to begin a new life with me, but I had reservations about it which frustrated him to no ends.

 

I think, though, that reality is setting in for him and he now realizes that I was right, he does need time to sort things out, to reach a sound decision about his life and future.

 

I think, however, I made a horrible mistake in my immediate reaction to his letter. You see, I interpreted it as a nicely put "good-bye" letter and the pain and anger of it tore through my heart and I reacted harshly. I shot him a short email saying..."this will be the last time you cause me pain and tears. Goodbye and good luck." He said that hurt him deeply and he was ready to throw in the towel after reading my response.

 

He said he never intended that letter to hurt me, but rather, was hoping that I would understand that he was doing it to strengthen our relationship rather than destroying it.

 

And my last conversation with him last Monday was harsh. I lashed out at him in anger. I was in severe pain and couldn't see past it. I couldn't hear him, couldn't be objective...and that's the last face to face conversation we've had.

 

Since then I have seen him briefly at work, although I try hard not to make eye contact with him. I have had at least 5 people approach me telling me how depressed and down he looks, how sad he appears...that he is remaining to himself, won't smile. They say he appears as though he's in a lot of pain, like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders.

 

After hearing the opinion of my friends, as well as those of you here, concerning the letter he wrote me, I realize I was wrong...that I completely misunderstood it. I have read that letter so many times now that I lost count. And now that some of my anger has subsided, I am able to read it with a more objective eye than before. And now I feel horrible for lashing out at him.

 

So, I've written him an email tonight explaining to him why I reacted the way I did, that I now realize he didn't mean to hurt me, and that I am aware he's in great pain right now. I told him that I would stand in his corner, be his friend during this difficult time for him. He probably won't get this email until tomorrow morning, but I hope it brings him some much needed comfort and relief. I have absolutely no idea how he'll react to it, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

 

I competely agree with you that it is vital that 2 people build a strong friendship BEFORE an intimate one if the relationship has any hope of being built on a strong foundation.

 

So, right now I will be his friend because God knows, he needs one.

 

Thank you so very much for your response. It helped loads!

 

~Torn~

[Torn Up]

I thought that was an honest letter written by someone in emotional turmoil, confusion and pain. He seems to genuinely love you. If my husband put as much effort and feeling into a letter to me the shock would probably kill me!

 

I may be wrong but I don't think you will understand what he said properly until your pain subsides.

 

It doesn't sound like he's dumping you. He sounds like he's hurting a lot just as he should, and needs time to get through this. You weren't happy with the situation either and was struggling with your feelings about him.

 

He's done the right thing by leaving before your relationship got ruined. He needs to focus on his daughter and come to terms with the guilt of hurting her, but he doesn't want to hurt you while he goes through this.

 

Who knows if you'll end up together or not but I do believe what he has done will make it more likely to happen.

 

I may be wrong but your MM sounds like a nice guy who recognises the sadness and pain of ending a marriage. He also sounds like he loves you very much.

 

Good luck

 

veron

 

Veron...you are absolutely right. I wasn't able to grasp what he was truly saying in that letter through all the pain and angry that tore through my heart. And, unfortunately, I lashed out at him as a result. It hurt him...hurt him badly.

 

This man is under so much pressure right now I don't know how he's coping with it, I truely don't. He's in a lot of pain and needs a friend.

 

I decided, especially after reading the posts here in this thread, to offer my friendship to him...to be there for him through this horrible time in his life. I hope I haven't hurt him so badly that he'll decide to turn away from my offer. It's his choice, of course, but I wanted him to know how badly I regret lashing out at him, and for misunderstanding him. I honestly don't know where he's at emotionally right now because we haven't spoken for a week now. The last face to face encounter we had didn't go well. It was basically a verbal whipping from me, when in reality, he needed so badly to be comforted. However, I did hug him at the end of this conversation, and he grabbed me tightly and cried...I mean as in SOBS. I felt horrible for him.

 

As I said in another response here, he is deeply depressed right now...and I've been approached by coworkers telling me so. I'm not sure what to do at this point, so I sent him an email offering my friendship and support. At this point, that's all I can do.

 

Vernon, thank you so much for your support and advice on this situation. Want you to know it brought me some comfort, but also helped me to see his true intentions more clearly.

 

What the future of our relationship will be remains to be unseen. Guess only time will tell.

 

Thank you!

 

~Torn~