abcdefg Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 My (ex)girlfriend and I recently ended our year+ relationship. It was a long-distance relationship for most of its existence, with her and I travelling nearly two hours to see each other basically every single weekend. The entire relationship was very up and down, up until and including its end. Things were quite good for the first 4 months; very little fighting, lots of caring and support from both sides, respect. After that, however, it was a slow and painful decline. She would get really moody and every weekend that we'd come out to see each other would get worse. And then she'd start to treat me poorly; it was almost like I was dealing with a normal version of her one minute, and then this totally alternate version of her the next. I am a generally mild-mannered, patient person; I took some of it in stride, tried to tell myself she's just going through a thing and it'll get better. It didn't really (although, there were still good times). She would shut down, she would run from her problems rather than facing them straight on. I would grow more and more frustrated, probably starting to say and do things I didn't mean. It got to one of those "are you trying to get me to break up with you??" points. So, I started to tell her that I wanted to leave, that I couldn't handle it anymore - but not because I really wanted to leave her, just to stop the fighting! And everytime I tried to leave (and believe me, there were MULTIPLE times), she would beg me to stay. And I love her, so I'd stay. And things might be good for a little while, but something else would go wacky and we'd get into the same crap over and over again. You know how it is. About 9 months into the relationship, we made an interesting decision. Her job was about to come to an end, and I told her I didn't want to do the LD thing anymore, that I didn't think we were going to last in it, so she decided to find a job in my area (she was moving from a very sparse area to a major city). She ended up living in my apartment for a few months, with me footing the bill for it (not a very large one, but I was trying to help her out). Despite all of problems we were still having, I got to a point where I wanted us to move into a new apartment together. She would have nothing of it, saying that we needed to be engaged before something like that would happen. I didn't think we were ready for engagement; we were still fighting a lot, having lots of sexual problems. It didn't feel right. But I kept pushing, and she kept pushing back. It was a constant struggle. Around the time she moved into my apartment, I was having increasing stress with my job, apartment, etc. To make a long story short, she eventually moved out of my apartment to a location where I wanted to be, but for various reasons haven't been able to accomplish yet. I became VERY jealous, but at the same time wasn't happy about her moving out, and still going through my own stresses, so I began to demand more time of her, saying I wanted to spend basically every night with her. And she would always offer less. And then I would complain relentlessly. And then when I finally agreed to her terms, she said the deal was "off the table" and kept offering even less than before. I'd get more and more frustrated; "why are you taking things away from me?", etc. Finally it got to a point where I snapped, really letting her have it, saying those awful things just to make the other person hate you, yelling like you wouldn't believe. I'd break up with her; she'd beg me to stay. That stopped, though, a few weeks ago, when we had a particularly nasty argument and I told her to get lost. She didn't resist this time. Coincedentally, this happened the day after we had just finished moving all of her belongings to the new location (I had basically done her entire move for her; at least 4-5 trips, because she refused to pay for a mover). So, I did the whole begging thing. Pretty relentless, as usual (I know, I know, I couldn't help it...) That also got real sloppy; I'm too embarassed to go through the details here. She said she needed space and time, and I couldn't give it to her. I felt like my whole world was turning upside-down (it still is). We finally saw each other earlier this week. I, again, sat and took a lot of heat, but it ended up cordially and respectfully. She said she needs time, space, etc., and I'm giving it to her. She kissed me on the cheek and told me that she loves me. I'm letting her initiate contact if she wants to talk, which she has actually has a few times since then, albeit in very brief conversations. It's been difficult, but what else can I do at this point? These last few weeks have been among the most miserable of my life. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, I wake up sweating, I have constant thoughts of her, our relationship, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I still have the same stresses in my life, and now the additional one of her not being around. I miss her, even though there were awful times. So, what I am supposed to do now? What does "I need space" mean here? Was I used horribly (though, I gave her an ultimatium to move or else it was basically going to end)? She moved, and she uses that to justify that she doesn't "owe me anything", though I helped her out in many ways, and she has a really good, stable job, lives and works in an awesome location. I made her life very difficult about the living situation, which ended up being the final nail. I told her I was going to break up with her if she moved out, and I did, though I'm the one here that has stated that I want to get back together. I was really impatient; I'm moving to the same general area where she lives now in just a few months, and will be in a better state of mind because of it. This whole thing has been a roller coaster. I've left out some details here that are probably more favorable to her and less to me; truth is we are both very imperfect people, but we did care about each other; there was a lot of love underneath all of this garbage. And she just moved here!! Any honest and blunt advice or insight would be appreciated. Thanks.
Recommended Posts