25 years old now... (VERY LONG)

[Scribe]

Admitedly, I am hesitant to release my problems to anybody -- I've been a loner much of my life and the last say... 6 or 7 years have been extremely depressing for me.

 

I figure with the anonymity of the internet, I can ask questions to people who might be able to help -- or people who might make fun. Either way, I'm at wit's end and I don't know where to turn. Therapists can't help. My parents have ruined much of my life. I've been on more anti depressants than I can count. The following is my situation as I can explain it, and if you can help, I appreciate it, and if not... then no harm done. As I've said, I am at my last legs of sanity, and I hope that the 'entire' story gives you an idea of what my life is like and hopefully, some ideas on how I can change it.

 

So here's the situation. My family raised me to be a good guy. I hold doors open for people, say 'please' and 'thank you' to excess, and I'm loved by adults who meet me. My father was withdrawn for much of my life, worked nights -- and he too was a loner whose head was interested more in reading books than being involved with his children.

 

I was raised Muslim. When I was younger I was an upstanding religious person. I prayed the 5 times a day, followed the rules as I understood them, and in keeping with how I was raised, was good to everybody I met. In being raised Muslim however, I was taught by my mother not to fraternize with girls -- at all. My father didn't say anything in this respect, and at a young age I was given relatively good freedom (especially in Muslim households) with no curfews, playing video games excessively, etc. I never bothered to question their rules, as I figured with the freedoms I got, the things I was restricted from were 'understandable'.

 

My mother was raised in an environment where women don't talk in front of men at all. She told me that even if her first cousins came to the house, she would have to go to another room. So this gives you an idea of the 'vein' in which I was raised.

 

As I went thru middle school and high school, I was the 'small brown kid' who was picked on constantly, had few friends, and almost no social life. My father was not a part of my life, and as such I never developed a sense of anger, or a sense to stand up for myself. I took all the abuse, though I admit I did grow a sense of humor from it. I sat home watching television, playing video games, and playing on the computer thruout high school. I was never invited to any parties, I didn't attend my prom, I didn't attend any dances, and when graduation of high school came and went, I found my last summer to be deadly alone.

 

College started, and I met two or three kids with a similar background as me. I thought that maybe I wasn't alone -- perhaps there were people like me in this world, and after my first year of college concluded I found I was very wrong. The friends I had made were dating for years behind their parents back, two of the three had lost their virginity years earlier, and the third who was a tad more conservative had girlfriends but didn't want to partake in sex until marriage.

 

The next 4 years (took me 5 to finish.. switched majors) got progressively worse for me. I kept the same few friends I had, it was a group in which I 'soft of' belonged. Even still, I knew I was made fun of behind my back -- I would approach a friend's dorm room and hear them snickering and talking about me. I put on a happy face, and still knocked on the door. I felt it was better than being alone entirely, and even though the pain from their comments hurt, it hurt more for me to be alone.

 

I suppose you can fast forward to now. I'm still a nice guy -- I don't think this is something I can 'fix', and I suppose there are positive aspects to it as well. I don't get angry, and if I do, I usually blow up in my room or sit and sulk for hours on end. Video games and reading usually take my mind off of things but they are temporary fixes to a permanent problem.

 

So I'm 25. I've never been on a date, never had sex, never had a girlfriend, and done nothing remarkable fun in my life. I have become rather suicidal and severely depressed from being lonely. It's not that I don't think I wouldn't be a good boyfriend or whatever. I know I am decent looking and I'm happy in that fact, and I have a great sense of humor. People at work *love* me because I am a good guy to be around and keep people smiling and happy. I make up stories about my life because nobody would suspect I am as alone as I am, and sometimes -- I even believe them because a fantasy world is better than an empty one.

 

I have no courage to ask a girl out. Therapy *does not work*. I have seen 4 therapists and they all suggest similar things -- "get out there" -- "just do it" -- "okay, just go up to a girl and...".

 

They all don't realize how hard it is. With women, I am socially phobic. I have been trained and retrained to be this way my entire life. I can't "just do it". Medicine is not strong enough for me to overcome this problem -- trust me, I have taken meds 3 times the normal dosage to see if there's any affect, and all I got was the side effects -- none of the benefits. When I'm in a group of people, I am literally the center of attention. I am the funniest guy in the group, I am the loudest, and I am the most entertaining. I not only know this, but I've been told this by coworkers and others.

 

So there it is, my life in a nutshell. As I mentioned, I am at wit's end, lonely and depressed. I can't see the next two, three, four years being spent alone, relying only on video games and books to quell my lonliness. The problems people relay to me all the time "oh, I don't like this girl" or "oh this girl I was dating is so messed up!" -- I try so hard to relate but in honesty, I am jealous even of their failures.

 

I don't know at this point in my life, what to do. Nobody can help. My parents know but they were raised in a different place, a different life -- they don't understand how to help me. I feel that I will simply be the guy that makes you laugh, says "please" and "thank you" and holds the door open for countless names and faces that will continually pass me by.

 

So in a word: help?

[Neptune]

First - You are not alone. There are quite a few others out there like you. Some of them have posted here on LS.

 

Second - Have an open mind. You will have to to listen to what I am going to suggest.

 

I have been sort of like you. What you need is a break away activity. Now, I do not know to what degree this will agree with your religious/cultural background, but from what I know, you need to start taking dancing lessons.

 

The moment you say that is not for me you have closed your mind. I challange you to do this. This is an environment that I wandered into. And in hindsight, has been the most liberating thing I did.

 

It will put you into contact with women. You do have to crawl before you walk. Which means probably dancing with a lot of older , unattractive women for starters. But maybe not if you are in an urban setting and college town. In due time, it will reap some very attractive rewards.

 

Not so much that you become a good dancer. It is the process. Get along with the gals and you will find yourself moving in social circles where there are women and you have a basisi of common ground with them.

 

But you have to be patient and determined.

[Scribe]

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it. What type of dancing lessons should I take? As I said, I am not versed in any of this, so I don't know where to start.

 

And to add... I've more or less abandoned religion and gone the path of athiesm, however the values I was bought up with continue to make sex seem very wrong to me, and it's a stigma I wish I could get past.

[JS17]

You seem to take "being good" too seriously in every context of your life Scribe. You need to find a way to get past that. Personally I think therapy is the way for you to go, sometimes it just takes finding the right therapist. Have you tried a social worker rather than a psychologist/psychiatrist? CBT might be answer for you too.

 

I think Neptune has the right idea. You need to find a social activity that you can regularly become involved in...dancing as Neptune suggested is one activity. Perhaps a running club or a book discussion group... find something that interests you.

 

Not everyone comes out of their shell at 16. Some of us are late bloomers and don't really resolve our issues until our 20s. You aren't too old to change. You do need to put yourself out there and start making things happen in your life.

[buzzie2]

I just finished reading your life story about why you are 25 and never have had a gf.

First of all, let me congradulate you for being brave enough to voice your innermost secrets on this forum. It must have taken you a lot of courage to do something like that.

 

I can relate to a lot of what you experienced in highschool and college. I never dated all throught hs either, and like you was a shy, quiet kid with manners and all the teachers loved me. But like you I was made fun of by my peers. I would go home somedays and just cry my eyes out. I was also addicted to computer games and video games and read a lot.

 

I didnt have my first boyfriend until I was 21, and it was a total disaster. I have been on different anti-depressants too.

 

I know things seem really awful right now, but you just need to hang in there.

 

But what I can tell you, is that after reading your story you already have many qualities that will help you to be a successful person in life.

 

First, because of your difficult childhood you have become a very sensitive person and an understanding person that most people your age don't have because the'rye chidhoods were a lot easier. Therefore you can handle life's problems a lot better than other people who didnt experience the trauma you did.

 

Also, you have a great sense of humour and people love working with you. That is a great qualitly that will help you further in your career.

 

Have you ever considered becomming a stand-up comedian? I think you would be great at it.

Also, something that you could join that has helped me with my self confidence is a club called Toastmasters. You probably have on in your city or town. You will meet a lot of nice people who like you are shy and have joined the club to meet knew people. Who knows, you might even meet a girl!!!

 

As for all of those so called "friends" you had in college, I would just have nothing to do with them. It sounds like they are jerks. I think you have so much potential, and once you start joining clubs with sincere people who want to help you, you will feel so good you won't want to hang around those college guys.

 

Also, one more thing you have going for you is you are still young. You are only 25 and have your whole life ahead of you. Just think of it this way, the worst years of your life are over. Now you have the rest of your life to look forward to.

 

I hope that I have helped you

and god bless

buzzie

[blazer]

A woman isn't going to bring you happiness. You need to continue to find the right therapist and medication to help you with your depression. Try making slow, gradual changes in your life. First, make an appointment with a new therapist. And keep trying the different medications that are prescribed in the search of the right one. Then, at the same time, try doing things that can bring happiness in your life. Try exercising (at a gym preferably rather than at home alone). It can help bring peace to you mentally and keep you healthy at the same time. Take the other suggestions from this forum, and sign up for a class. Dancing is a great idea. I know your therapist told you to "just get out there", but it sounds as if this is difficult for you to do. If you decided to attend an open dance class, would would happen? Would it be difficult for you to leave the comfort of your home, and show up? Or maybe you would attend, but afterwards when you arrived home alone, you would feel unsatisfied, and more depressed? Try not to have high expectations as to the result of your decision to attend a class, or do something outside the confines of your home. Just be proud of yourself for getting out there. Make slow steps in the right direction, and changes will begin to develop in your life.

 

Also, do you have friendships with women? Try being a friend, to help you make friends. I know you have given up on your religion, but there are types of religions (unitarianism) that welcome all faiths and help bring people together. Try volunteering at a religious/nonreligious establishment, working at being a friend, and getting yourself in relationships with people to support you and help you.

 

Please don't give up on yourself and the happy future that lies ahead for you.

[Scribe]

Okay, so I am trying to make some steps here... slow as they are.

 

I have a few questions... first... what's CBT and how can I find out who provides it? I have tried most everything else -- so I'm open to something else. How could it help a person in my situation?

 

Next, I am looking at dance schools in my area -- I don't know what type of dancing I should be looking for, but hopefully something will come of it.

 

As per the 'friends' I have... well... there's nobody else in my life right now. If I leave that, then I have nothing and nobody to take my mind off my life. I admit, while I was in college they were brutally mean to me and it hurt a lot, but in later years they have calmed down a lot and now it's easy to chill with them. I have only a handful of friends anyway, none of whom I can share a secret with, so perhaps it's better to leave sleeping dogs lie than to break off all ties I have with them?

 

Thanks for all your responses thus far, they are encouraging and it's rather sad to me, that I cannot rely on the people I know to lean on for support because I know I will be mocked and ridiculed -- I have to come to internet chat boards to find some support.

[itwontdawnsooner]

unfortunately, the world isn't always a beautiful place. people can be downright cruel - but the fact that you're still here, still breathing, searching for answers, that's a huge positive. you're trying to figure it all out, you deserve to give yourself credit for that.

 

i know it doesnt make things better to just say "ok, well im trying to understand" when things aren't changing, but the suggestions above are great.

 

positive: you don't know what GOOD things can happen tomorrow- don't wait for them, just admit, if you try, it's not impossible (and dare i say, PROBABLE) that things will go your way or that youll be that much closer to figuring out what IT is all about

 

creative outlets are excellent

[Neptune]

Scribe,

Bear in mind that dancing is just one possibility. It was good for me but I was interested in it and self motivated. To answer your question what type of dance, go with what you can most conviently work into your schedule and without spending too much money. Hopefully you can find group dance instruction for a fraction of the cost of private dance lessons. Ballroom is a good place to start. Also a form of dance called Contra. Others to consider...swing,line dancing, country and western, latin (this would be a great one for starters too if you could get it in group) Don`t even rule out square dance for starters. If you get in a dance environment ask those there taking lessons what is available and either group or cheap. Get in the mix and you will soon know the info on your area.

 

Another thing. A good motivation tape program like Anthony Robbins may do you a world of good. Again, it is something that helped me. Read motivational literature.

 

Life rewards action(slubberdegullion 2005) So, you really have to get out of your room and from behind the computer screen. Think about things you may like to do and then think of ways you may do it.

[Unregiterede763]

Scribe,

 

I have a similar story to tell. I was raised in a practicing jewish family. I have only attended boys-only schools. Date? I hadn't even known many girls. It wasn't untill I was 22 that I found my self finished schools and working in coed environment, and I had no idea how to approach a girl to ask her out. I was depressed and lonely. I would get home from work with nothing to do, and waste time watching tv or surfing the web. I don't know how excatly I "changed". At first I decided to take my mind off things, and started getting out of the house more - sports, karate, other activities. I also started signing up to a few dating web sites, and emailing girls. And then going out (on many bad bad first dates). Then about a half a year ago I went out with this girl and things just seemed so right. I'm not 25, and am in my first serious relationship, and I'm really happy. If you would have asked me in June, I would have told you I'd be alone for a long long time, but things sometimes just supprise you for the better.

 

Good luck.

[katiebour]

Hi Scribe,

One of my favorite things about the Internet is how it gives people the freedom to be themselves behind the monitor. Being yourself can be much harder in person, when the shy vibes come out, and the attraction, and the "what do I say/do now" thoughts start percolating.

 

I didn't date at all until I was 19- combination of constant moving and extreme shyness. Like you and others, my life consisted of school, books, and video games. My friends were few, far between and superficial until I hit college.

 

Luckily my main passion, music, landed me in a dorm full of music geeks, and I made a passel of fantastic friends who socialized me. Through them I met my first boyfriend, and being with him for 2 1/2 years gave me the courage to find a new boyfriend on my own when he broke up with me.

 

I met my second boyfriend, whom I dated for 3 years, and my current and third boyfriend, who I have been dating for 4 months, over the Internet.

 

I remember finding my second boyfriend's profile on Yahoo!- seeing it, looking at others, looking at it again, looking at others, and over the course of several hours gearing up my courage to email him. He emailed me back, we went to the Olive Garden for lunch, and there began a 3-year relationship.

 

It was the hardest thing I ever did, emailing a stranger and telling them I thought they were interesting. I wanted to take it back immediately after I sent it. Thank goodness I didn't.

 

MySpace was the catalyst between my current sweetie Carl and myself. Getting to know someone over a computer can be a good safety net- sharing your thoughts, emotions and fears without worrying about acting or looking the right way can be a good way for shy people to be more up front about themselves.

 

I also adore ballroom dancing, although you need to be comfortable with holding a woman in your arms to do this. Women always outnumber men in dance classes, so you will never lack for partners, but having sudden physical closeness thrust upon you might be a bit much. I love ballroom, simply because it's fun, but it's also a great way to flirt. The cha-cha and other latin dances are especially flirty. I'd definitely recommend it, but be aware of what you're getting into in terms of physical proximity.

 

I definitely recommend chatting on the Internet or blogging, or creating a profile on your service of choice, or commenting on other's blogs as a way to meet others in your area. MySpace lets you search for other people for friendship or romantic relationships, also by distance, age, marital status etc.

 

If you meet someone special via the Internet, you will be able to explain your lack of experience long before you meet in person. You'll be able to share interests and have topics of conversation ready for that inevitable in-person meeting. Any girl who is interested in you will, once you get to know her, be aware of and take into account your lack of interpersonal male-female relations into what you say and do.

 

My first boyfriend was just as shy and inexperienced as myself- that made our relationship special, because it was a learning experience for both of us. It didn't last, but I learned a lot.

 

My second boyfriend was very social and had a lot of dating experience and had also had sex with many people- he taught me quite a bit about being open, honest, and open with my sexuality.

 

Both of these experiences prepared me for dating my current boyfriend, and we have run a similar gamut of relationship experiences. I'm afraid there really is no substitute for experience. You just have to take the first step and meet some people, and learn about who you are, physically and emotionally, in a relationship.

 

I love the Internet, and recommend it highly as a tool for meeting others.

 

Good luck, and a smiley bunny for you!

 

Big hugs for a fellow shy person!

 

P.S. Universities often offer ballroom dance classes, labeled "Beginning Ballroom" or "Ballroom 1." They are often cheaper than going to a dance studio, and the class sizes are larger. You meet for 10 weeks, 2 to 3 times a week, and then at the end, you can take more or leave it at that. I'd check with a local college, university, or community college as the way to go for ballroom.

[SuperMonk]

Islam,Christianity is the religon of hatred and violence.

 

"Religion is poison" - Chairman Mao

[patwheel]

Islam,Christianity is the religon of hatred and violence.

 

"Religion is poison" - Chairman Mao

 

Extremists in ANY religion carry on hatred and violence, not just islamist or christians.