JadeStar Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Feedback from others are welcome, but this is basically just sharing some info on my mother inlaw and the choices she has made. I was talking with my mother in law the other day. We get along pretty good, however I do remember a time when we didn't. Her and her husband have been married 53 years as of early November. She suffers from depression once in awhile, there are days when she seems more down and out than others. Part of her depression comes from the fact that after 53 years, she still deals with the fact that her husband had cheated. No to my knowledge he didn't cheat the whole time they have been married, but over a course of a few years during some point in the marriage he did. I remember her telling or sharing with me about his cheating, how she had a friend of hers that she called her 'spy" that would check up on him or see what he was doing because they both worked at the same place, then she would report back to my mother in law of any findings her friend may have found, etc. I also remember a time when my husband and I first got together not just dating but even after we were married, she would do anything to drive a wedge between us. I knew this stemmed from the fact she was an unhappy lady. I knew that her misery was projected on to others. Even though I knew this, after awhile a person can't take but so much. So I guess being an "outsider" because I was not blood related, one day I had had enough and I set her straight. My husband nor his 2 sisters were ever really able to stand up to her even though they knew as well that she tried to cause problems in others lives. I remember telling her how much I liked her and that I had tried to get along with her. I also told her, that she was not going to make my life miserable because of the choices she made. That was years ago and she hasn't tried anything else. After I told her how I felt. I think she maybe felt better that someone had told her how they felt. She began to open up to me some, about her husbands cheating. I remember feeling a little more comfortable being able to ask her questions. I asked her, "if you were so unhappy why did you stay?" She gave me several reasons. I know people stay for different reasons, and I'm not knocking any of them. I let her share with my why. One reason was that when she was growing up, she said she was taught you don't give up on a marriage no matter how bad. I then said to her, so if he was a beater instead of a cheater, and beat the crap of you, you would stay? I never really remember her answering me on that, but maybe her slience was her way of saying, that she would have, not sure. She also said she stayed for the kids etc. She had always been one to work and made decent money so her leaving and feeling financally dependent wasn't the case. Another reason she said she stayed was in hopes that he would change. I even asked her if at any point during the marriage did they seek marriage counseling. She told me no, I think she did for herself, but she said he would have laughed at the thought of marriage counseling so she never brought it up. I think that her choice to stay had an impact on the kids. I'm not saying that all people who choose to stay in a situation will have a negative impact on their kids but in her case I think it did play a role in it. My husband for example, has a drinking problem and I think sometimes that his way of dealing with things in life period. He can be very self centered as can his father. His 2 sisters, one of them at one point in her life would rather choose a man over her own kids. She was wild and got in trouble fro drugs at one point. The other sister, who is a nurse, is very very self centered and arrogant. Thinks people need to bow down to her and be there for her when she says to be. She also has nothing to do with men. Does she like women, I do not know, for to my knowledge she stays so wrapped up in her work she doesn't have alot of time for soicalizing. I do remember her telling me that she lived in fear of dating because she thought she would end up with someone like her father so she avoids the issue all together. Gosh i'm so sorry this got long, but I was in the typing zone. Basically I guess what I'm trying to say is, that there are times she will make little comments about her life or her husband and its obvious she still struggles with what has happened in the past. I talked with my husband about this the other day and I told him, I think part of it is she still is dealing with the cheating part, but the biggest part I see, is I think she is struggling with the choice she made even after 53 years of marriage. A comment my mother in law made just the other day was, her and my father in law were out shopping, she picked up a doll that had this short mini skirt on and asked him, 'do you think this doll is to whorish looking for our granddaughter, you know about whores don't you." So there ya go its obvious she still struggles. Personally I can not imagine after 53 years still struggling or questioning the choices I would/could/should have made. I guess some people do though. I feel bad for her, but then again I don't. Does that make sense? Once again I'm sorry this got long, wasn't my intention. I was on a roll. Just thought I would share this, why, not even sure, guess it bothers me when I talk with her sometimes and to know that after 53 years something like this can still bother someone. Thanks for listening/reading. Jade
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