Guys hate settling down?

November 26, 2005

I was talking to this guy I know the other day and we started talking about marriage and kids. He said most of his male friends were married with kids (hes 30) and they ALL severly regetted it. They hate their wives and wish they didnt have kids:(

God, im such a naive person sometimes. These comments made me really depressed for some reason because I hope no guy feels like this about me when Im older. The truth hurts!!!!

Ive had more than enough people coming up to me in the last two weeks saying that men are all the same, they all cheat ect.... I do stick up for guys and say its not all of them (wishfull thinking?) but now im finding it really hard to trust guys coz im scared there gona hurt me. Im only 20 but im so suspicious that dating isnt enjoyable anymore.

November 26, 2005

Women are just as scared of settling down as men are these days. I don't think it is specific to one gender. Not all men are the same just like not all women are the same. There are good men out there who don't cheat andlove their wives.

In no way I am saying this is all women but with the way some women act I can't blame men for feeling like this. A year ago I would have rather been shot in the head than ever marry again. It seems like the good men end up with the bad women who yell and scream at them and then one day walk out because they are tired of being married. Some of the posts in the divorce and breaking up forums could make even the nicest guy a misogynist but it is unfair to paint all women with the same brush. Both men and women have a fear of getting hurt, Men may not show it as much but we have feelings as well.

November 26, 2005

I do feel like that but when your friends tell you, including men that there all the same it does scare you. I havent "given myself" to anyone yet so its two times as hard for me. I end up being really picky about who I go out with and cant let myself get too close.

Im not exactly an unstable person at the moment (used to be) but if I really loved someone and let them have that special part of me and then they cheated I quite scared of what I would do. Thats why I dont like these comments "all men are the same going into my ear all the time because it makes me wanna shut myself off from guys. It really, really gets me down.

I know technically not all men treat you rough and not all women are saints but you get mixed messages from the media and your friends that "guys cant say no, its biologically in their genes".

Ive been betrayed b4 by a guy whose butter wouldnt melt in his mouth, but I was strong but I just CANT go through that again.

November 26, 2005

Some men use the all men are the same crap as an excuse. They think it's natural for men to chear which it is not. I have never cheated in my life. The best thing to do is just see every man as an individual rather than part of a group. It's hard to fid somebody good these days no matter what gender.

November 26, 2005

He said most of his male friends were married with kids (hes 30) and they ALL severly regetted it.

Well, unfortunately I gotta tell ya that this is a pretty common refrain. I'm single, live by myself, and my lifestyle is the envy of all my married friends. Now, they don't all hate their wives and regret their kids - a couple do, but not all of them - but there is a definite feeling among the married men I know that they gave up a lot when they got married.

Sad, really, but that's just reality in this corner of the world.

November 26, 2005

I know. I was talking to a female friend last night and she said she wish she waited longer to have kids because its not the way you think it would be.

On the other hand theres probrably guys out there who havent found anyone yet who envy the married life. Apparently men are a lot happier in marriage than women. Relationship breakups hit men harder than women because they dont always talk to their friends like girls do (see, my logical mind is coming back to me now! )

Thats why you get so many guys stalking there ex girlfriends these days, its really common now.

I had a friend a while ago who was going out with someone since she was17 and one day when he was 20 something he split up with her because he felt like he was missing out on stuff he should be experiancing. Anyways.... he went of with his mates to have a good time and get off with girls and that.

About 2 months later she came home and he was sitting outside her house and he told her he wanted to be with her again. Said being single wasnt what its cracked up to be (and he was a good looking guy so he thoughrouly tested it out;) ). There still together now, got a baby and really happy.

I think sometimes its a case of the grass is always greener...

November 26, 2005

I know. I was talking to a female friend last night and she said she wish she waited longer to have kids because its not the way you think it would be.

Having kids is NEVER the way that people think it's going to be. Often people picture themselves running slow-motion through the tall grass on a sunny day with beaming smiles. They don't think of the diapers, the tantrums, the food thrown on the floor, the fights, being unable to find a sitter, utter exhaustion, no time to themselves, etc. etc.

Apparently men are a lot happier in marriage than women.

I'd be curious to see if there's ever actually been a study done about that. You could be right, but in the experience of people that I know personally, that's not the case.

Relationship breakups hit men harder than women because they dont always talk to their friends like girls do (see, my logical mind is coming back to me now! )

Could also be that men get their heart ripped out through their wallet in divorce court... Again, I'd be interested to see data on this.

November 26, 2005

hahaha:lmao:

There is quite a lot of studies into men and womens emotional states in relationships, I'll try and find something you could read but Im very sure its been well known for at least 20 years.

Example, How come men have long term affairs with people and say im gonna leave my wife. Majority of the time they wont leave theyre wife, even if their mistress is younger,better looking and more understanding ect... Taking away the guys who lead people on when they just want sex. They know they have a wife who wont go anywhere, keep their side of the bed warm and comfort them, its like having a support network. Even if they dont get on with thier wife 24/7 they like the security that someones there for them a lot more than women.

Plus there is a high insidence of suicides in men because of relationship break up, a lot more than women

November 26, 2005

He said most of his male friends were married with kids (hes 30) and they ALL severly regetted it. They hate their wives and wish they didnt have kids

there is a definite feeling among the married men I know that they gave up a lot when they got married.

Very few people seem to undertake marriage understanding what marriage is all about. They believe the pop culture myth that it will be all light and roses and joy. Some men think they can still live irresponsibly while married and get sulky and pouty when they are stuck with responsibilties. And men are particularly sulky about 'giving up a lot' to marry but women give up as much or more, especially when they drop out of working to have kids. They are just better at accepting responsibility (said only half in jest).

You have to marry a grownup who understands that marriage means the non-stop partying is over and that he has to find other pleasures in a different way.

I'd be curious to see if there's ever actually been a study done about that.

There have been many. They show that married men are overall happier, healthier, and live longer. The unhappiest people are actually married women.

The difference is that pop culture also promotes the myth that the wife is a 'ball and chain' and that men hate marriage and so it's unacceptable to have a bunch of women sitting around laughing and joking about their version of being stuck in marriage because it's considered unfeminine.

Your guy pals will blather on about hating marriage because it's the macho thing to do, just like it was to brag about numerous (existent or nonexistent) conquests while single.

November 26, 2005

men are particularly sulky about 'giving up a lot' to marry...

Well, I don't know if one gender is "sulkier" (is that a word?) than the other. From my experience, both personally and through my friends/acqaintances, it's not marriage per se which is the issue; it's more like the change that tends to happen to their partners after the honeymoon ends. It's not unlike false advertising, when one partner puts on a good show during courtship, only to turn into something entirely different after the marriage.

It's been said before that women marry in hopes that their man will change, but he doesnt; and a man marrys a woman in hopes that she won't change, but she does. Again, from my (granted) limited experience, that seems to hold some truth.

There have been many. They show that married men are overall happier, healthier, and live longer. The unhappiest people are actually married women.

You may be right. I'd still like to see some research.

November 26, 2005

That is so right about women changing. That is why as happy as I am with my new girlfriend the thought of marrying her scares me. It really does. I have seen so many women put on a good show and then do a co plete 180.

I think that men need to learn to be happier on our own. It is damn near an epidemic of women just walking out to go find themselves or because they are tired of being married. Marriage is never a sure thing for men and we need to act accordingly. Women have more of a support network and men have none plus that study is from 1970s when marriages were much more unequal. I know many men that are miserable but are afraid to leave because they lose everything. The happiest time of my life was right after the divorce. I told my gilfriend I will not marry until I live with her for a year. That is enough time to show her true colors and if I don't like what I see I can move and be single and happy.

November 26, 2005

Found some research on marriage and happiness...

... the most unhappy Americans, according to Greeley, are women who have yet to marry or remarry.(link)

...Although many bachelors find their lives less carefree than pictured, a substantial number have worked out a pattern of existence that they find thoroughly satisfactory... While emotional problems are common among single men, a number of unwed men adjust completely to life without women and find a thoroughly satisfying existence alone... Examples can be found in every field. Other men find a sense of completion by rounding out their business lives with an engrossing hobby, often in the sports field...(link)

...The {false} notion that marriage damages women's emotional well-being derives from the 1972 publication of "The Future of Marriage" (Yale University Press) by the sociologist Jessie S. Bernard... ...Dr. Bernard similarly found married women happier than single women...For married men, satisfaction hinges on sexual frequency, fidelity and emotional commitment to the relationship.(link)

November 26, 2005

I too have married friends that always tell me that they would trade places with me in a heart beat. I am single, I have my own place that has everything a girl could want. I come and go as I please and my friends wish they were in my shoes, of course they say that they would take their children with them.

But wouldn't you also like to experience being a comitted relationship for yourself and not let what others's experiences blindsight you?

November 26, 2005

But wouldn't you also like to experience being a comitted relationship for yourself and not let what others's experiences blindsight you?

Well, yes and no. Must every generation re-learn everthing that was taught to them by previous generations? Must ever person learn to re-invent the wheel? Of course not. We use the experience of others to learn and function properly.

Besides, just because I've never been crushed under a moving pavement roller doesn't mean that my avoidance of that experience somehow makes my feelings about it irrelevant.

November 26, 2005

it's more like the change that tends to happen to their partners after the honeymoon ends. It's not unlike false advertising, when one partner puts on a good show during courtship, only to turn into something entirely different after the marriage.

Right. Of course these men still actively court their wives, do all the things that they did while they were dating, right?

It's kind of sad to see people still buying into the myth that one gender alone is responsible for issues. You show me a man who continues to treat his woman the way he treated her when he was trying to win her over and I'll show you a man who won't be complaining that his wife 'changed' after marriage.

The other issue is that people don't take long enough to get to know each other so they marry someone they believe exists but who is still a product of their imaginings. Then when they get to know the real person, they're disappointed.

You want research?

Married men are more successful in work as well, getting promoted more often and receiving higher performance appraisals. They also miss work or arrive late less often (Kostiuk and Follman, 1989, and Shaw, 1987). As for women, white married women (without children) earn 4% more and black married women earn 10% more than their single peers (Waite, 1995). While some point out that house work for married women (37 hours per week) is greater than that of single women (25 hours), half of that is due to having children (South and Spitze, 1994).

Longer Life
Married people live longer as well. Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women (Ross et all, 1990). Having a spouse can decrease your risk for dying from cancer as much as knocking ten years off your life. Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery (Goodwin et al, 1987).

Married women are 30% more likely to rate their health as excellent or very good compared to single women, and 40% less likely to rate their health as only fair or poor compared to single women. Based on life expectancies, nine of ten married men and women alive at age 48 are alive at 65, while only six of ten single men and eight of ten single women make it to 65. Married men may have better immune systems as well, either from support or from nagging to monitor blood pressure, cholesterol, weight, etc... and may be at less risk to catch colds (Cohen et al, 1997)

for more:

http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/waitgalligher.html

And, to support what I said:

The realization that we’re not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it’s downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship

, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

“Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate,” says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-3300.html

November 26, 2005

from feedback from my married friends, the more loyal the man is to the woman the happier the woman will be and teh happier the woman is the happier the man is. In realty men end up cheating at leat 85% of the time, women pick up on it over 90% of the time and might not say anything to rock the boat. They will be upset and the man will think he is in a bad marriage and justify more cheating. Even when he's in love if a younbger and prettier girl comes along he will leav his wife and children but for a woman she will be more devoted to make things work and not walk away.

November 26, 2005

All good points, Outcast, and good research too.

But unfortunately...

Married women are 30% more likely to rate their health as excellent or very good compared to single women, and 40% less likely to rate their health as only fair or poor compared to single women

doesn't match up with your quote:

The unhappiest people are actually married women.

You also may note that I stayed gender-neutral in the comment, it's more like the change that tends to happen to their partners after the honeymoon ends. It's not unlike false advertising, when one partner puts on a good show during courtship, only to turn into something entirely different after the marriage." It applies to both.

And yes, I agree that neither party is exclusively responsible for the success of a marriage.

November 27, 2005

Still a bit miffed as to why: if a man loves his girl so much he wants to marry her, wants to spend the rest of his life with her! Why would he want to swap his life with a single man, surely this isnt love???

I know not every guy feels like that anyways now I think about it. I think everyone who has commitment and kids regrets not being able to nip to the shops or have spontaneous sex,and have some time to thereselves. Men AND women?

November 27, 2005

Still a bit miffed as to why: if a man loves his girl so much he wants to marry her, wants to spend the rest of his life with her! Why would he want to swap his life with a single man, surely this isnt love???

Yes, it actually could be love. It's just that men compartmentalize. While no honourable married man would act on the urges to go out & party with some strippers or whatever, that doesn't mean that the urges don't exist. And while an honourable married man will be 100% there for his lady, that also doesn't mean that he spends his entire day dreaming of her. After all, there are other aspects to a person's life than a relationship; career, kids, the million little details that make up a life.

November 27, 2005

In realty men end up cheating at leat 85% of the time, women pick up on it over 90% of the time and might not say anything to rock the boat. .

Are these real or made up statistics? Last time I checked in England, 39% of women have cheated on guys and 52% of men have cheated on women.. So you kind of have a 1/2 chance with men. I definately dont think 85% of men cheat in serious relationships/marriage when they really love someone and there is good communication (which is a rare and brilliant find). Maybe if there is problems and arguments every two seconds, or if theyre only staying because of the kids.

November 27, 2005

There have been a flock of studies on cheating with wildly varying stats. I don't think any came up with 85%, though. I believe it's closer to 50 or 60%

November 27, 2005

Are these real or made up statistics? Last time I checked in England, 39% of women have cheated on guys and 52% of men have cheated on women.. So you kind of have a 1/2 chance with men. I definately dont think 85% of men cheat in serious relationships/marriage when they really love someone and there is good communication (which is a rare and brilliant find). Maybe if there is problems and arguments every two seconds, or if theyre only staying because of the kids.

I apologize I should have made it clear. Those numbers are my own statistics based on asking people I know and friends. They are honest answers, compared to real studies where people can be prohibited from speaking the truth. They might fear being found out, which has been proved in many studies is the case. I think that a lot of men cheat, way more than the 52%. Nice devoted husbands and fathers many times hit on me and ask me out. THeir wives and friends would never guess.

IT's the sad truth for many couples. It makes sennse considering monogamy is against human nature and made up. It would be easier to keep if someone was 100% in love with their spouse but on average the in-love I would guess fluctuates from 20-80%. The straying could occur while on the lower end period or day and the husband irrationally rationalizes it in his head to satisfying his cheating urges. I guess the benefits of a marriage outweigh the cheating and bad parts otherwise people wouldn't get married.

Towns were less populated in the past so less chance to cheat or else better hidden. I think it has always gone on when the opportunity was available. It is more available these days especially with the internet to meet people and women going to work out of the house and so on.

November 27, 2005

monogamy is against human nature and made up

Oh not really. If it were a normal part of nature, humans wouldn't feel grief when they are betrayed. Your cows don't write LS when the bull messes around with more than one cow but humans are completely different.

November 27, 2005

Oh not really. If it were a normal part of nature, humans wouldn't feel grief when they are betrayed.

Now that's an interesting comment worth thinking about. I've always heard convincing arguments that monogomy is natural, but i wonder if animals feel the same grief when their significant others 'cheats' on them. Good one. Then again, they may not feel grief when a fellow animal dies, that doesn't mean dying isn't normal part of nature. So still a little confused, but nice thought.

November 27, 2005

Then again, they may not feel grief when a fellow animal dies,

But they do. That's the thing. They mourn dead offspring, dead mates, and even dead humans.

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