adversity Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 could do with some advice here. My ex (we were together for a rather intense 3 months where we saw each other a lot) broke up with me about 2.5 months back saying that he had a lot of issues to sort out (he was also really busy at work), the first month i was calling/emailing him once a week then he got really nasty during my last call and said with a lot of finality that we were totally over and some other really mean things. So we got off the phone, and one hour later he texts me asking if i got home okay and saying good night, but i don't respond to that because really, he'd made himself really clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore. So i didn't contact him at all for 3 weeks, and i heard in the last of the 3 weeks that he had gone on vacation to Bangkok. I didn't know who he had gone with, and I can tell you hearing that he was no longer busy at work and was off on vacation without me made me feel really terrible. But it also helped me realise that we were really over. Sort of a finality to it, you know? But I saw him on AIM during the time he was in Bangkok, and he IMed me saying 'hey there'. I didn't know whether i should respond, or how i should respond so i spent about 10 minutes being undecided and then logged off. (We've never blocked each other so I see him online all the time and him me... just that since the break up we haven't spoken at all on it). I've also bumped into his best friend almost every other week at different bars and places, but never into him. I figured that would be it... but 5 days later (i.e. yesterday evening) his best friend text messages me that it's his (the friend's birthday) and they would be celebrating at this bar and the table booked is under my ex's name. A minute later I get a message from my ex forwarding the text from his best friend... only he's added the words "From X" (i.e. the best friend). Of course I spend a lot of time wondering whether I should go (my best friend offers to go with me to 'face my demon' so to speak) but in the end I decide not to, and I text his best friend to say I won't be able to make it but I'll make it up to him when I get back from NY (i'll be leaving on Thursday for two weeks to NY to get admitted to the bar). My ex knows I'm going to NY in December but just doesn't know when. I'm just wondering whether I did the right thing. I do want him back, despite the mean and hurtful things he's said/done, but I want him to be committed to making things work, and frankly he's not done much to warrant me breaking NC. But I feel maybe the text and IM were a way of reaching out to me, and maybe he'll give up thinking that it's too difficult since I haven't responded. I'm not sure really how to proceed from here, especially since i'll be going away for 2 weeks. Or maybe i'm just thinking too much and he does really just want to be friends, and nothing more. What do you guys think? how should I play it from here? did i do the right thing in not going to the party? i do really want him back because we had such a connection - we both felt it was different. But circumstances and timing... always killers. i'd appreciate any advice... thanks!
BeCareful Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I'm not sure what he was up to in Bangkok, but they have a lot of "working girls" there. You may want to ask if he was not banging around down there, and if he's just on a high afterwards, trying to bring his sense of "paid conquests" home to the normal women of America. I've been there. I know.
monkeybars Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Unless he's personally calling you to invite you rather than forwarding a text message, I wouldn't bother with him. I just get really irked when I hear that someone..needs time..is really stressed...so let's break up. I truly believe that if someone is really really into you, they won't ...need time...need space. I mean if you think about it, a relationship is about going through those times together. I know you won't want to hear this, but, if there was truly the connection you speak of, from his side as well, he wouldn't have dumped you. Yes, sometimes people realise they made a mistake...but trust me, 99% of the time, these "made a mistake" people have no qualms about making it again within a short period of time. Get the book..."The Ambivalent Man" by I think Rhonda Findling--it will help you see him for who he really is, and maybe save you from some heartache again from the same person! Good Luck. Remember-UNLESS he picked up the phone and clearly tells you in no uncertain terms that he made a mistake, he wants to get back together, and then follows these words up with actions--he's just not intgerested enough! And when you think about it-you are worth more than not enough!
nextel Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 somehow made me feel like it is so emotionally draining. All the texting, and the IM and the friend. I dont know. I really would just leave him alone and go to NY, try and enjoy your time there. If he decides to pick up the phone to call you, then speak to him. I think that you deserve a little more respect than what he has shown you, if nothing else: at least a little more common courtesy. Sometimes, I believe that men tell us exactly what they want and we as women, dont always listen. What he told you when he decided to break up with you is exactly what he meant. If he has changed his mind, then I am sure he will have no problem telling you face to face. If you are able to be friends then you are a bigger woman than I am. I personally would cut off all contact with him. Its not worth the emotional drainage.
Yamaha Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Remember-UNLESS he picked up the phone and clearly tells you in no uncertain terms that he made a mistake, he wants to get back together, and then follows these words up with actions--he's just not intgerested enough! And when you think about it-you are worth more than not enough! Exactly.....
solsta Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 this is all really great advice. If someone loves you as much as you do, perhaps they would be spending the same amount of time and energy thinking about you and making the effort. Most of the time it is not the case. If he was so in love with you and could not live without you, he would do everything in his power to win you back. He deserves no excuses. Move on and find someone else who treats you the way you deserve. I think men are used to the women doing all the work now.
Author adversity Posted November 27, 2005 Author Posted November 27, 2005 Heh, thanks everyone i know you're all right about this. I'm just being a sentimental idiot as usual. Re: Bangkok - well we're located in the east, so it's about 5 USD return there. But no, I don't think he was out 'painting the town red' so to speak. He probably went there with some girl, but I don't know for sure, and it's none of my business anyway. I'll just leave things as they are right now and go on doing my own thing.
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