Polyamory

[DevestatedBride2b]

I am truly devastated. I never thought this would happen.

 

I just has a discussion with my fiance about fantasies, and he admitted one of his was polyamory. I don't know what to do.

 

Sex, i can deal with. Porn I can deal with. But multiple relationships - real, true relationships?

 

I am very open-minded, but I did not think that I would ever be presented with the idea that my fiance would want multiple love relationships. He said it would only be a feasible option if all were willing participants.

 

But its just the mere thought that he wants to be with other women, in addition to me, in a RELATIONSHIP - that I don't know how to deal with.

 

What do I do?

 

Please, I am dying inside.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Trust me when I tell you that I understand. I am in an open marriage now, since May of this year - leading up to it since around November (the reason I joined LS last year because I knew something was going on with Mr. B and it was coming to a head around that time). Since May we have been in an open arrangement. It hasn't been easy and the details behind it aren't important here. Perhaps one day I'll post the whole story but for now, it is best to simply say that it is a decision we made mutually. At the time I remember feeling:

 

"what is wrong with me that he would want or need someone else?"

"what is lacking in our relationship that he would need an outside source?"

"will I be like the regular old meal at home and OW be like the special occasion gourmet meal out?"

 

At first it was under the understanding that we were both polyamorous and that an open relationship was not indicative of any problems, rather it was a decision that allowed us to embrace each other while embracing our humanity and need for other human contact as well. Sounds ideal, eh? We operated on this assumption for several months. When I was with my OM, it became apparent that something unsaid was bubbling beneath the surface.

 

I recently learned that the real reason Mr. B wanted an open relationship was because he was unhappy for many years in our marriage - his needs were not being met by me. I take full responsibility for my part and have taken steps to work on it (again, another story for another day). It was not until we embarked on this open relationship that we reached a point of individual development in our relationship with each other that allowed for us to be brutally honest with each other and really talk as friends without the "relationship filter" that prevents most couples from saying what is really on their minds. That is what keeps us together.

 

Your fiance needs to have that same level of honesty with you right now - what he may have to tell you about why he fantasizes about polyamory in his relationship with you might devastate you and he probabaly realizes that. He needs to know if he is truly poly and simply wants to experience that mutually with you, or if it is just a regular old fantasy that he never intends to fulfill, or if he intends to live the lifestyle and is simply looking for a way to have the best parts of his relationship with you, while avoiding the perceived bad parts and making up the difference elsewhere. Until he is honest with you about this - and I mean really and truly honest, your relationship cannot move forward, because it will eat you alive until you know the truth.

 

I just read this to Mr. B and I expect he will post shortly as well. He initiated the open marriage and what he says might also shed some insight.

[lindya]

I just read this to Mr. B and I expect he will post shortly as well. He initiated the open marriage and what he says might also shed some insight.

 

That will be interesting to read, LB. It sounds as if the two of you have spent a lot of time and effort working it out together - coming to some very honest and insightful conclusions. I seriously think you should consider starting to write a book about this.

[Neptune]

Whew! For a moment there I thought the Catholic Church had come to accept reincarnation and had to update purgatory:confused:

[westernxer]

Whatever you do, don't marry him until you can sort your feelings out.

[lilmoma1973]

Whatever you do, don't marry him until you can sort your feelings out.

Totally agree with Westerner do not marry till you are sure this is what you want!! Personally i wouldn't want this to happen in my relationship!! To each's own what they do in a relationship but i don't want to share my man with noone thats my dic@ not every tom dic@ and harry's !!!

Good luck:bunny:

[slubberdegullion]

He wants to mix copper and aluminum wire? Ooooo... that's dangerous...

 

oh... wait a sec... nevermind

[933KJL]

He wants to mix copper and aluminum wire? Ooooo... that's dangerous...

 

oh... wait a sec... nevermind

 

An electician I see...

[quankanne]

as LB points out, this is going to have to take some pretty frank discussion between the two of you to truly assess the situation. Has he been in a polyamorous relationship before and wants to take back up with it, or is this something that sounds like it'd be interesting to experience? Is he willing to look past the sex aspect of it (you, too) to consider the emotions behind these relationships? It's not just your feelings and his, but of the people in the quad or trio that's being proposed – jealousy will play a big factor in this, even if the people are wholeheartedly behind it. Talk it to death, and not just with people on this forum – there's a website on polyamory that looks at these issues, and the people there are pretty frank (I looked it up after a college friend told me she and her husband were living a polyamorous lifestyle – it's not swinging by a longshot). Until you two can resolve whether it's just a fantasy or a true possibility, you need to hold off on the wedding plans. No use trying to make a match of it if you've got fundamental differences like these.

[DevastatedBride2B]

First, I need to clarify one point. The (future) Mr. A has fantasies about polyamory in a specific way: that we as a couple would take on a female lover, and that we would both be in love with her. He describes it as three relationships: Mr. A and Mrs. A, Mr. A and OW, and Mrs. A and OW. (I am bi-sexual, and have expressed my interest in other women to him, but purely in a sexual way. He has encouraged me to pursue relationships with other women, but I know that if I do, it will likely destroy what Mr. A and I have.)

 

Trust me when I tell you that I understand.

 

As cliché as it sounds, it really helps knowing that you can identify with this.

 

"what is wrong with me that he would want or need someone else?"

"what is lacking in our relationship that he would need an outside source?"

"will I be like the regular old meal at home and OW be like the special occasion gourmet meal out?"

 

These are exactly the thoughts that are screaming through my mind.

 

At first it was under the understanding that we were both polyamorous and that an open relationship was not indicative of any problems, rather it was a decision that allowed us to embrace each other while embracing our humanity and need for other human contact as well. Sounds ideal, eh?

 

I can certainly understand this sentiment. And this I think is the argument Mr. A subscribes too. I believe that, for him, an additional woman in both our lives would only serve to enhance our relationship.

 

I recently learned that the real reason Mr. B wanted an open relationship was because he was unhappy for many years in our marriage - his needs were not being met by me.

 

This is exactly what concerns me. Is Mr. A not happy? Am I not giving him what he needs? Do I not fulfill him?

 

He described his need, when spending time alone with this (imaginary) other women, as a time where he could fulfill different needs, and interests.

 

Your fiance needs to have that same level of honesty with you right now - what he may have to tell you about why he fantasizes about polyamory in his relationship with you might devastate you and he probabaly realizes that. He needs to know if he is truly poly and simply wants to experience that mutually with you, or if it is just a regular old fantasy that he never intends to fulfill, or if he intends to live the lifestyle and is simply looking for a way to have the best parts of his relationship with you, while avoiding the perceived bad parts and making up the difference elsewhere. Until he is honest with you about this - and I mean really and truly honest, your relationship cannot move forward, because it will eat you alive until you know the truth.

 

I hope that he can really understand this, and we can have this conversation as you are describing. Two things that are of issue, though, that make this even harder is that

 

1: he doesn’t know why he is having these fantasies. He doesn’t know where they come from. (He has only been having them for the past month or so, but I know it runs deeper than that, as this theme of multiple loves and lovers engaging in a functional triad has been a theme of some of his major artistic works in the past.)

 

And 2: he was open and honest with me about his feelings, and I punished him for being honest (by expressing my hurt and ambivalence about being with him). How then can I expect him to be completely honest we with about this again? He has no other choice than to become one of Pavolv’s dogs.

 

Whatever you do, don't marry him until you can sort your feelings out.

 

Agreed.

 

but i don't want to share my man with noone thats my dic@ not every tom dic@ and harry's !!!

Good luck:bunny:

 

How eloquently put. But I agree wholly with those sentiments – not so much about his dic@, but his heart. It is the sharing of his heart that is so hurtful to me – that he wants to share his heart.

 

He wants to mix copper and aluminum wire? Ooooo... that's dangerous...

 

oh... wait a sec... nevermind

 

 

Has he been in a polyamorous relationship before and wants to take back up with it, or is this something that sounds like it'd be interesting to experience? Is he willing to look past the sex aspect of it (you, too) to consider the emotions behind these relationships? It's not just your feelings and his, but of the people in the quad or trio that's being proposed – jealousy will play a big factor in this, even if the people are wholeheartedly behind it.

 

No, he has not been in a polyamorous relationship before, and neither have I. We are, however, slowly becoming more sexually experimental, and the possibility of other people in our sex lives has been discussed. Within this conversation, were our personal limits, ie: no intercourse. To me, however, the exploration begins and ends with sex, or sexually related actions. NOT EMOTIONS. To him, I think the polyamory is more about emotion than sex, and that is what leaves my blood ice cold. I just don’t think I can share his heart.

 

Talk it to death, and not just with people on this forum – there's a website on polyamory that looks at these issues, and the people there are pretty frank (I looked it up after a college friend told me she and her husband were living a polyamorous lifestyle – it's not swinging by a longshot). Until you two can resolve whether it's just a fantasy or a true possibility, you need to hold off on the wedding plans. No use trying to make a match of it if you've got fundamental differences like these.

 

Thanks for the website info. I will Google.

 

The thing is, I want to fulfill him, and I want to consider this and explore it because I love him.

 

 

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I would appreciate any other feedback and suggestions.

[cflanders]

I lived through an open marriage and it was the singlemost, worst decision of my life. I thought we could handle it, I thought we were special, I thought it was a sharing thing. WRONG.

 

Ten years later I am still sorting out the damage done.

 

Doesn't matter if it's polyamory or swinging - anytime you bring a third entity into your relationship or bed it's a recipe for disaster. That includes porn, too. Very likely porn helped cement this brilliant idea into his head in the first place.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

[DevastatedBride2B]

First, I need to clarify one point. The (future) Mr. A has fantasies about polyamory in a specific way: that we as a couple would take on a female lover, and that we would both be in love with her. He describes it as three relationships: Mr. A and Mrs. A, Mr. A and OW, and Mrs. A and OW. (I am bi-sexual, and have expressed my interest in other women to him, but purely in a sexual way. He has encouraged me to pursue relationships with other women, but I know that if I do, it will likely destroy what Mr. A and I have.)

 

Trust me when I tell you that I understand.

 

As cliché as it sounds, it really helps knowing that you can identify with this.

 

"what is wrong with me that he would want or need someone else?"

"what is lacking in our relationship that he would need an outside source?"

"will I be like the regular old meal at home and OW be like the special occasion gourmet meal out?"

 

These are exactly the thoughts that are screaming through my mind.

 

At first it was under the understanding that we were both polyamorous and that an open relationship was not indicative of any problems, rather it was a decision that allowed us to embrace each other while embracing our humanity and need for other human contact as well. Sounds ideal, eh?

 

I can certainly understand this sentiment. And this I think is the argument Mr. A subscribes to. I believe that, for him, an additional woman in both our lives would only serve to enhance our relationship.

 

I recently learned that the real reason Mr. B wanted an open relationship was because he was unhappy for many years in our marriage - his needs were not being met by me.

 

This is exactly what concerns me. Is Mr. A not happy? Am I not giving him what he needs? Do I not fulfill him?

 

He described his need, when spending time alone with this (imaginary) other women, as a time where he could fulfill different needs, and interests.

 

Your fiance needs to have that same level of honesty with you right now - what he may have to tell you about why he fantasizes about polyamory in his relationship with you might devastate you and he probabaly realizes that. He needs to know if he is truly poly and simply wants to experience that mutually with you, or if it is just a regular old fantasy that he never intends to fulfill, or if he intends to live the lifestyle and is simply looking for a way to have the best parts of his relationship with you, while avoiding the perceived bad parts and making up the difference elsewhere. Until he is honest with you about this - and I mean really and truly honest, your relationship cannot move forward, because it will eat you alive until you know the truth.

 

I hope that he can really understand this, and we can have this conversation as you are describing. Two things that are of issue, though, that make this even harder is that

 

1: he doesn’t know why he is having these fantasies. He doesn’t know where they come from. (He has only been having them for the past month or so, but I know it runs deeper than that, as this theme of multiple loves and lovers engaging in a functional triad has been a theme of some of his major artistic works in the past.)

 

And 2: he was open and honest with me about his feelings, and I punished him for being honest (by expressing my hurt and ambivalence about being with him). How then can I expect him to be completely honest we with about this again? He has no other choice than to become one of Pavolv’s dogs.

 

Whatever you do, don't marry him until you can sort your feelings out.

 

Agreed.

 

but i don't want to share my man with noone thats my dic@ not every tom dic@ and harry's !!!

Good luck:bunny:

 

How eloquently put. But I agree wholly with those sentiments – not so much about his dic@, but his heart. It is the sharing of his heart that is so hurtful to me – that he wants to share his heart.

 

He wants to mix copper and aluminum wire? Ooooo... that's dangerous...

 

oh... wait a sec... nevermind

 

 

Has he been in a polyamorous relationship before and wants to take back up with it, or is this something that sounds like it'd be interesting to experience? Is he willing to look past the sex aspect of it (you, too) to consider the emotions behind these relationships? It's not just your feelings and his, but of the people in the quad or trio that's being proposed – jealousy will play a big factor in this, even if the people are wholeheartedly behind it.

 

No, he has not been in a polyamorous relationship before, and neither have I. We are, however, slowly becoming more sexually experimental, and the possibility of other people in our sex lives has been discussed. Within this conversation, were our personal limits, ie: no intercourse. To me, however, the exploration begins and ends with sex, or sexually related actions. NOT EMOTIONS. To him, I think the polyamory is more about emotion than sex, and that is what leaves my blood ice cold. I just don’t think I can share his heart.

 

Talk it to death, and not just with people on this forum – there's a website on polyamory that looks at these issues, and the people there are pretty frank (I looked it up after a college friend told me she and her husband were living a polyamorous lifestyle – it's not swinging by a longshot). Until you two can resolve whether it's just a fantasy or a true possibility, you need to hold off on the wedding plans. No use trying to make a match of it if you've got fundamental differences like these.

 

Thanks for the website info. I will Google.

 

The thing is, I want to fulfill him, and I want to consider this and explore it because I love him.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, and for your sympathies.

 

 

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I would appreciate any other feedback and suggestions.

[lilmoma1973]

I lived through an open marriage and it was the singlemost, worst decision of my life. I thought we could handle it, I thought we were special, I thought it was a sharing thing. WRONG.

 

Ten years later I am still sorting out the damage done.

 

Doesn't matter if it's polyamory or swinging - anytime you bring a third entity into your relationship or bed it's a recipe for disaster. That includes porn, too. Very likely porn helped cement this brilliant idea into his head in the first place.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Totally agree that when you bring a third party in cause disaster.. A friend of mine was married and brought another girl into the picture and the wife ending up falling for the other girl and wanting to be with her and left her h for this woman !! It happens everyday be sure you are up for what can happen when you do that !! Good luck

[RecordProducer]

In most cases I see cheating (comprises swinging, polyamory, etc. in my book) as a way to be fully and heddonistically satisfied with one's life in terms of excitement, sexual pleasure, fun, and variety. We can't be 100% content with everything we have in life. Besides when you mix two things, one is growing on the account of the other so you're getting something on one side, but losing something else on another side.

 

Before you marry him, make sure that:

 

1. he is in love with you and has deep emotions for you;

2. your happiness is more important to him than the superficial pleasure of fulfilling his sexual fantasies;

3. you both agree on the terms of faithfulness and are willing to respect the deal;

4. you can trust him completely that he wouldn't do anything behind your back;

5. he is willing to take the responsibility of monogamy and work on the problems that will occur in your marriage rather than concentrate on receiving cheap thrills on aside every time he is bored with his life. Marriage requires certain maturity and stamina; if he can't distinguish the important things (such as love, loyalty, security, etc.) from the unimportant ones then he is not ready to be married and might even never be ready. You can't "buy the pig AND keep your money"; you have to give up one of them.

[DevastatedBride2B]

Totally agree that when you bring a third party in cause disaster.. A friend of mine was married and brought another girl into the picture and the wife ending up falling for the other girl and wanting to be with her and left her h for this woman !! It happens everyday be sure you are up for what can happen when you do that !! Good luck

 

Interesting. However, the situation that Mr. A envisions, I think, is one where I would fall in love with the OW. (see above)

 

Besides when you mix two things, one is growing on the account of the other so you're getting something on one side, but losing something else on another side.

 

Thanks RecordProducer:

 

Yes, I do wonder what will be lost, and what will be gained. I am trying to be open minded, but I fear something would be lost. His purity in my eyes, perhaps.

 

Before you marry him, make sure that:

 

1. he is in love with you and has deep emotions for you;

2. your happiness is more important to him than the superficial pleasure of fulfilling his sexual fantasies;

3. you both agree on the terms of faithfulness and are willing to respect the deal;

4. you can trust him completely that he wouldn't do anything behind your back;

5. he is willing to take the responsibility of monogamy and work on the problems that will occur in your marriage rather than concentrate on receiving cheap thrills on aside every time he is bored with his life. Marriage requires certain maturity and stamina; if he can't distinguish the important things (such as love, loyalty, security, etc.) from the unimportant ones then he is not ready to be married and might even never be ready. You can't "buy the pig AND keep your money"; you have to give up one of them.

 

Thanks for this advice. I would like to respond to these points:

 

1. I believe that he does love me, and has deep emotions.

2. Yes, I know it is. However, what worries is me, is that this is not a mere sexual fantasy. Rather, and more distressing, is that it goes beyond sex - to emotion, and love.

3. Good point. I agree.

4. Because I punished him for being honest, I don’t know if I can trust him to be honest.

5. That is the thing, RP. He is a deeply spiritual, wise, mature person. I admire him more than anyone. Love, loyalty, security are things I would list as his most fundamental character traits.

 

I think he would give up these thoughts, if I asked him. But what worries me, is that these polyamorous needs will always remain there, latent, until some sort of catalyst unleashes it. I would rather embrace it than loose Mr. A.

[RecordProducer]

Because I punished him for being honest, I don’t know if I can trust him to be honest.

 

I would rather embrace it than loose Mr. A.

No! If you accept to fulfill his desire, you will definitely lose him or he will lose you. In any case, the sacred bond and trust between you two will be destroyed forever. You are devastated even by the thought of him fantasizing about it; imagine if he made love to another woman. Besies, you can never fall in love with a woman since you're rather bicurious than bisexual. I can hardly imagine you enjoying the sexual experience with a woman knowing that you're merely playing a role to satisfy him.

 

Regarding honesty, you have to deal with the played cards. He should be able to see how much he hurt you by just telling you about his fantasy and give up on doing it in reality. No matter how much he wants it, it MUST stay his fantasy and never develop into anything real.

 

In any case, this is fresh to you and right now it hurts you a lot. With time the impression will fade away and you'll re-gain your trust. Just make sure that he will not cheat on you and he understands how you feel about it. Ideally, he will accept the fact that the fulfillment of this fantasy would bring little pleasure to him, but a lot of pain to you. He should be ready to make this tiny, little sacrifice for you rather than you making a huge sacrifice for him and watching your future marriage fall apart.

[loudog]

I am married and love my wife, but honestly could see having a second wife in many instances. One benefit would be that my sex drive is much more constant and high drive than my wife...she admits she wouldn't mind a break or a alternate...the other being that unconditional love can for some, not all be more than one...and if it works with all parties who's to say. One of my old girlfriends and my wife were friends for years...you almost have seen it working into more if societys standards would have allowed it...my wife and I joked about it and she agreed that she thought it had merit if allow (she does not B/S either)

 

Just some random thoughts but there have been many times in society where it did happen and it did work.

 

Lou

[7on]

I'd also like to point out that fantasies aren't really ambitions to everybody. In all likelihood love for the other person cancels out the fantasy if the other partner is strongly against it. So chances are he would be fine if you came out and said that palony or whatever will never be a possibility with you and him. He did say that all parties must consent for this fantasy to work.

 

Like I said, don't worry about it just make sure he knows it won't be a possibility. Most sane guys won't break up with a woman because she won't do a fantasy with him. Most guys who do are rather selfish IMO.