I Said Goodbye to my MM

[feistyfloridagirl]

I've been lurking on this board for a little bit and have finally found the courage to post because there are so many people who are in the same situation I am in. I've been with my MM for over 5 months now, plus we work together, which makes for an even more complicated situation. For months now I've been hearing "you are the one for me", "I want to be with you for the rest of my life", "give me more time"...well, sorry to say but time has run out. He hasn't done a thing to change his current situation, he is completely miserable...or so he says. He tells me that he's been sleeping on the couch for over 6 months now (obviously before we met), but somehow I don't believe that, I think it's just lip service to keep me. So the day before Thanksgiving, I said "I'm done, enough, it's over, I can't take it anymore. Either sh*t or get off the pot." I am 31 years old, I don't have any children and someday I want some. So, I decided that I am completely wasting my time with him, because there really could be someone better out there for me and he doesn't seem to be doing anything to change his current situation. He did meet with a lawyer over 3 months ago, but that's where it ended. He never did anything else after that. I feel so stupid and I am so hurt and in so much pain right now. He was in total shock, he cried and cried. Now he won't stop sending me text messages telling me how much he loves me and misses me. I stood my ground today and replied by saying "if you love me so much, then prove it". His response was "I need more time". I said "time has run out, I have reached the end of my rope". I guess I'm just venting here, but damn this was so difficult for me to do.

[goingforgold]

**Hugs**

You are in a real difficult situation.

 

It must be even harder when he keeps telling you he loves you.

 

Obviously he must have some feelings for you or else when you ended it he would've just let it be.

 

Have you asked why he needs more time and how long does he want?

[whichwayisup]

Good for you feisty! I'm sure that wasn't an easy thing to do, but you did what was best for YOU. And that is what counts! What you feel, think and say - Not him. He isn't leaving his wife and now you've seen that, as painful as it is. Broken promises and empty words just don't cut it!

 

Take care of you...Be with friends, keep busy and pamper yourself! Go out and be silly with girl friends too! Cry when you need to cry, vent as much as you need.

 

All I can say is, just like any other painful situation, things will get easier and the pain will be less. Time is on your side now.

[feistyfloridagirl]

I've continuously asked how much time do you need and have never received a concrete answer from him. He keeps saying that he has 'stuff' to take care of and that he can't just pack up and leave. I told him "I'm not asking you to just pack your stuff and leave but you have to do things gradually in order to lead up to that point", but the point is that he has done absolutely nothing to gradually get to the point of moving out. I know he loves me and I love him, but again as I said to him "prove your love to me". After all, actions speak much louder than words. Thank you all for your support, it really means a lot to know that there is a support system out there for people like me. I do have severe guilt because I've never done this before and I would never want it done to me. And I tend to wonder if he did leave and we did end up together, would he do it to me? You know the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater", I always wonder if that's a true statement.

[whichwayisup]

That is probably one of the reasons why he isn't going to leave his wife. That because of the circumstances of how you two hooked up, would it last? Could each of you be trusted. If it happened once, could it happen again? Would either of you let it happen again. Stuff like that...Actually this goes for anybody in that situation. To leave a familiar life for an unknown one. In their minds I'm sure they feel there's alot to give up for an unknown future. Now, with that being said, it doesn't diminish what he felt for you/ feels for you...Or you for him. IT just means that the timing is all wrong.

[Sami_D]

The thing is... he can have all the time he needs... AND you don't need to stress. IF you're not happy with seeing him/sleeping with him at the moment... then so be it.

 

That is entirely your choice and your prerogative.

 

He can take as long as he likes, surely?

[nextel]

Stand your ground. A married man is not worth your time or your tears. Married men are just a waste of time. Trust me on this, you have made the right decision. Get out and meet someone worth your time and dont spend your time on a man that is already binded by legalities because married men rarely leave their wives.

 

DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM OR YOURSELF. Find happiness within yourself and eventually someone worthy will come along.

[Sami_D]

You know the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater", I always wonder if that's a true statement.

 

Well that's a whole different thread, and one that is worthy of a lot of discussion. But briefly, I think it's very easy to label someone 'a cheater' without looking at the bigger picture. What were the reasons for the cheating? To what extent do they have a bearing on future infidelity?

 

In some cases, you may have someone flippant and mindless who wants a bit of fun on the side or you may have someone who is cheating because they feel permanently empty and unfulfilled, perhaps a Narcissist in need of constant praise and adoration. In another case, you may have a weak and indecisive person who feels generally unsettled and yet needs someone new to focus on while they end their current relationship. In yet another case, someone who is genuinely detached from their current partner and yet there are some things keeping them from divorcing (money, children, social standing).

 

Not every situation is the same (whatever coco says... where IS coco..?), not every person who cheats today will have the same reasons for cheating tomorrow. SOME of the reasons people cheat are within the person themselves and incurable or unlikely to be cured.. (eg. NPD). SOME people cheat because of problems within themselves that can be addressed with counselling or perhaps long-term self-analysis and help from friends or partners. SOME people cheat because of contingent circumstances and they're no more 'a cheater' than the next person.

[feistyfloridagirl]

My Strongest Weakness - Wynonna Judd

 

The keeper of the gates of wisdom

Please let me in

‘cause I just can’t go through

Another heartache again

Pretty lies and alibis

How could I be so blind?

Now I’m all alone and scared to stay

Slowly going out of my mind

 

(chorus)

 

He was my strongest weakness

I surrendered heart and soul

It’s gonna be a long, long time

’til I regain control

I’m still a prisoner

Held captive by his memory

He was my strongest weakness

And I’m afraid he’ll always be

 

I gave my faithful heart to someone

I couldn’t understand

How he held my little world

In the palm of his hand

Now he’s gone and life goes on

So if this pain will ever end

Will I be afraid to risk it all

Ever fall in love again?

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75821/

 

Read tornup's thread here. I think it could shed some light.

[Sloppy]

Wish I had your strenght when I got involved.

I am very proud of you!!!!!!!!

You've done really good!

[feistyfloridagirl]

It's only been 4 days, yet the pain I don't think has even begun to surface. The hard part will be on Monday when I have to go back to work and actually have to see him. For me that will be the most difficult. Unfortunately, we do require a lot of interaction at work, so I'm definitely not looking forward to that. I sleep on and off for two hours here and there, then I'm up crying and wondering if I made the right decision. But I do know in my heart, that I did. I have to protect myself from getting hurt further. I am my number one priority at this time. Thankfully, I am surrounded by my loving pets, who always seem to comfort me a great deal at such a time of need.

[Phily]

Good for you! I wish that I had the courage to say goodbye to my MW whom I've had a relationship for 10 months now.

 

Best of luck to you!

[TiredOfWaiting]

Feisty -

 

you have done absolutely the sanest, wisest and best thing you could have done.

 

I went through almost 4 years of the endless MM confusion, lack of concrete answers. My exMM is now divorced (initiated by his W), and has turned the entire situation around on me and says he has issues and is not sure if he wants a relationship with me anymore. We do not see each other at all, yet he holds me "to ransom" with my feelings, and makes me feel guilty for having a life that does not include him.

 

Trust me - let it go now. If he truly, truly wants to be with you, he WILL make the effort, he will do what it takes and he will fight for you.

 

We all need to STOP MAKING EXCUSES for them.

 

The stats speak for themselves, over 85% of divroces are initiated by women ... what does that tell us?

[feistyfloridagirl]

Today was very difficult as it was the first day back a work and I had to see him. We passed eachother in the hall a few times and each time his eyes welled up with tears. The thing is that I know he loves me and I love him. But, I told him it's either all or nothing. I also said the ball is in his court. I'm done laying my emotions out there and only getting a few stolen moments in return. I have basically put my life on hold for the last 5 months, refusing to go out with girlfriends, making lame excuses why I can't, because most of my friends I work with, and they all have no idea about my relationship. So, I've decided that now is ME time and I have to put ME in the number one slot. It is still so very painful and difficult, I cried the entire ride home from work because we used to talk my whole way home. I was so lonely for him and still am. It is truly one of the most difficult things I've ever done, but darnit I'm gonna try to be strong and stick to my convictions.

[feistyfloridagirl]

This morning I come into work and this email ws waiting for me:

 

I don’t know what to say other then I’m sorry for putting you throuth this. I wish I can make it go away right now but I can’t. The only thing to do is to let you walk out of my life and hope you are still there when I get my **** together. You are and always will be the love of my life and my best friend. You have opened my eyes to new things in life and for that I will love you forever. This is not goodbye but see you soon. Never look back always look forward and I will be in your arms soon. If you happen to find that next XXX that makes you happy don’t stop and take what is yours. Like I said you are and always will be my love and my friend don’t forget it or ever try to erase it from your memory. With love and regret, I will always love you.

 

No wonder this is so difficult for me, I truly do love him with all of me, but I have to do this for my own sanity.

[debs]

May you have the strength to carry on even in view your having to let go and it is tearing your heart out!

You are in my thoughts and prayers! I do know what your going through!

[Mtn.mamacita]

That email sounds exactly like what I heard. I do believe he is the love of my life and I am his. But actions speak louder than words and I won't wait around for unfulfilled promises. We need 100% or nothing. Life goes on and it sounds like you have a great frame of mind to move forward. Another stat: Only 1% of MM that say they will leave actually do.......Who knows we can always hope. But remember 99% of MM stay!! Keep moving forward, it does get better with time. I'm on week 3!! If you do mean that much to him he will find you.

[bamagirl]

I am trying to break away from my MM after over a year+ relationship. My 10 year marriage ended because of it. A month ago, his wife called me, and we both figured out the truth to what was going on. He immediately asked her for a divorce, and for a while I had both of them emailing and calling non-stop. It was pathetic. About two weeks ago, he went back to the house "because of the kid." Last night he actually tried to have phone sex with me. I told him he wasn't allowed to talk to me like that since he had decided to stay with his wife. Who am I kidding, though? I know I am a fool for even talking to him, yet I constantly watch the phone. . . As I sat here writing this, he just called to check on me and has sent three or four text messages. Why won't he just leave me alone? I've asked him to over and over again. Bigger question: why can't I just leave him alone. Why can't I not answer? I feel so worthless and stupid.

[EnigmaXOXO]

…If you happen to find that next XXX that makes you happy don’t stop and take what is yours. Like I said you are and always will be my love and my friend don’t forget it or ever try to erase it from your memory.

 

What a sappy piece of soap operatic dribble that was.

 

Just because Romeo would like to think he's your 'be all' and 'end all', doesn't mean you should erect any lasting tributes to him in "your memory."

 

"Erase him" is exactly what you should do, while not forgetting the valuable lesson it taught you.

 

While the best decisions are often the most difficult, take some comfort in knowing this:

 

REAL love moves mountains and considers no sacrifice. If a man (or woman) truly loves you, they will do whatever is necessary to put you first in their life … even if it means giving up everything they already have.

 

If you're not worth the trade, then he's not worth the time. And he'll never fully recognize what your absence from his life will truly cost him unless you're not around.

 

You can't "miss" what you haven't lost.

[feistyfloridagirl]

REAL love moves mountains and considers no sacrifice. If a man (or woman) truly loves you, they will do whatever is necessary to put you first in their life … even if it means giving up everything they already have.

 

If you're not worth the trade, then he's not worth the time. And he'll never fully recognize what your absence from his life will truly cost him unless you're not around.

 

You can't "miss" what you haven't lost.

 

Enigma, you said what I'm feeling better than I ever could. What you wrote is so powerful and true. Thank you for posting that.

[RecordProducer]

I am sorry you're going through this. You do know that time will cure your pain, do you? Even when you keep seeing him every day at work. When my ex-husband left me, I was devastated and had to see him every day because of the children. It made things very difficult for me, but I DID get over! And you will too. It would help if you could change your job though.

 

There is a certain pattern that applies to most affairs such as:

- they say their marriages are crappy;

- they ask for more time and promise to divorce;

- they can't let the mistress go.

 

I don't think you should base your break-up on the conviction that he doesn't love you. Because he DOES love you. The solid ground for your decision to quit this affair and move on should be because YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE OTHER WOMAN and waste years on a relationship with no perspective.

 

Don't think in the direction that he is a jerk that used you; he may well be the most wonderful creature in the world, but he will most likely never marry you.

 

P.S. I don't believe that husbands sleep on the couch!

[beachrosie]

I am very touched by this thread, because I feel like I have been living it. I have so many heartaching emails from my best friend/turned lover/who is married/and not my lover anymore. He told me today that the time we have shared over the last months have been the happiest in his life, and has now come to the understanding that not all people are meant to be happy. He has many many home problems which involves a spouse whom is bp and not taking medication, drug and alcohol abuse, and total family breakdown. He is afraid to leave because (I am witness to it) she will hunt him down no matter where he goes, and they have a young child who wants them to work it out. I am so devestated by all of this, but still love this person and want to be with him. He begged me to stay close. I'm feeling so dizzy and tired tonight and am ready to go to sleep. Now today the lastest, was that his wife wants to confront me, to tell me to stay away. I told him that would be dangerous for me, and even for her if I tell her what I really think. I am not about this madness, and am worried. I'm sorry I am talking about this on your thread, but I feel like I am fading to words that were once written and to a heart that I can never have.

[feistyfloridagirl]

This week was very difficult, seeing MM everyday at work, but I made it through week one. We talked very little, mostly about work but a few personal issues. Then I get a text message last night telling me "W is out for the night, can I come over and talk?"

 

I replied "There is nothing left to talk about until you show me any sign of putting one foot in front of the other instead of standing still. Until that time, do not call, do not text message, do not email me, do not even look at me if you can avoid it. Leave me alone and goodbye."

 

The response I received was this "I will always love you and I'm sincerely sorry for the pain I've caused you. And I will show you how much I love you soon."

 

Whatever, it is all bullsh*t. He can kiss my a$$. Now I'm sort of over the pain part and am moving more into the resentment phase, I think these types of feelings go through phases. Loss being the first, resentment/hatred being next and I'm not sure what the last one is, but I'll let you know what it is when I get there.

[ahotmess]

feisty, you are so inspiring! I hope I get your courage. And I hope that I get to that "resentment" stage soon b/c I melt with his every message! I want him back...I know I could have him. How can something sooo wrong feelso right?