dgiirl Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I was going to put this into the Sexual and reproductive forum, but I think the divorce forum makes more sense for my situation. I'm not in a relationship, not even any prospects. But I fear repeating the same mistakes in my marriage in future relationships. Of course sex was an issue in our marriage, mainly frequency. We had sex maybe 1-2 times a month. There was absolutely no affection in our marriage and I'm hoping that is the reason why my desire to have sex was not there as much as I'd like. But I fear it might not be. I fear this repeating again. I fear if I told any guy this, they'd bail on me. I'm just messed up right now. I have a lot of anxiety around this issue. Anyone been here? How did you get through it?
Zetter Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 That was an issue in my marriage. Once or twice a month, and the explanation was that she became "emotionally detached" - this is a buch of sh*t because it was always like that. I decided I had to live with it. That is tough issue because sex is something that most men need. The question in my mind is...do you enjoy it when you are doing it? My wife would tell me yes. Then my follow up...then why can't you give me the, ahem, 10 minutes or whatever it might be once a week at least???? Is it so awful that you can't do that for someone? I guess I don't get it, but it is a widespread issue. As for telling someone, I wouldn't assume that it would be an issue with every guy. Sexual attraction to me is a huge part of a serious relationship, and it would scare many men to know that they will be having sex 12 times a year. Have you been to therapy?
Author dgiirl Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Yes I did enjoy sex. I have been to therapy, but not really over this. Why did I not initiate sex more often with my exh? Frankly because the only time he did show me any attention was when he wanted to have sex, and I didnt feel desired. I didnt reject him intentionally, but it's the truth. My exh spent many evenings in front of the computer, and never did any couple things with me. We had different sleeping patterns. We never cuddled. He never showed me any affection. He told me that he couldnt be close to me unless it went to sex. He never kissed me. He never hugged me. He never told me he loved me. If I kissed him, or hugged him, or anything, it always would lead to sex. I dont WANT to be like this. I do want to have more sex. I just dont know how to overcome it, and I fear any guy will not be patient, just like you've just posted.
Israfil Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 dgiirl: Please, stop worrying right now! There is nothing to worry about. Women don't want sex primarily because they no longer (if ever) felt sexual attraction towards their spouse. As soon as you meet someone who treats you well, and who you respect mentally, and are sexually attracted to physically, your desire will increase. So again, don't worry about this issue. When you meet the right man, your desire will return.
Zetter Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I apologize if my post was too blunt. I'm obviously dealing with my own issues. I agree that I wouldn't worry about it now. I'm sure with the right person, your feelings and sexuality would be very different.
scobro Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 He never showed me any affection. . He never kissed me. He never hugged me. He never told me he loved me. This doesn't sound like a husband this sounds like a distant cousin you see once a year. Consider yourself lucky because your next relationship will knock your socks off when you realise how affection is an important element in a serious relationship.Once you find a man who is affectionate (and we are out there) you will be pleasantly surprised and will be having more sex than you ever had before...whooo hooo!!!just wait you will see.
Author dgiirl Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Israfil and scobro, I pray what you say is right. I hope I can find a guy who will be affectionate. My ex's excuse was "he's just not the romantic type of guy", so I bought it. But I have listened to a few other peoples experiences and what I lived was not normal. Zetter, it's all good Obviously, I have my own issues too and perhaps we could give each other a little more insight into what our spouses must have felt like. I know for me, I didnt want to do what I was doing, and I was trying to communicate with him. I was trying to get interested in sex. I was trying to reach out for help, but didnt really understand what was going on. I didnt fully understand what was happening, and perhaps your wife felt the same way. A lot of it had to do with my own insecurities and anxiety. And I'm hoping that was caused by the lack of affection in the relationship. Thank you guys I'll try not to worry about it, atleast until i get into another relationship
Trimmer Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Hey there DG - Well, I'm no expert, and I haven't been through it yet myself (although I'm starting to look forward to it! ), but I have to agree with these guys - I don't think it sounds like you've got a problem. This comment jumps out at me: He told me that he couldnt be close to me unless it went to sex. So he was self-aware enough to know this, but not sensitive enough to see this as a problem? It sounds like this is a problem he brought to the party, not one that came in with you... I just dont know how to overcome it... Please, dear, don't look at yourself as broken, or needing to get over some unsurmountable obstacle. I don't think you have anything to "overcome" but the pain of your past and some uncertainty of the future, but don't let those things make you start to question your sexuality, desirability, etc... I hope you can trust this to be an honest, male opinion (no jokes about oxymorons, please...): you seem to be describing a woman who likes sex, and also enjoys both showing and receiving affection outside the context of sex. Wow! It's still a little early in the process for me, but when I allow myself to imagine a woman in my future, that describes a dimension that I really hope to find and nurture in a relationship. I fear any guy will not be patient... Yeah but that's the thing... I believe you deserve better than just "any guy" now, don't you?
Author dgiirl Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Trimmer, thanks so much for your post. So he was self-aware enough to know this, but not sensitive enough to see this as a problem? It sounds like this is a problem he brought to the party, not one that came in with you... He made this my problem. He told me that if I wanted a romantic guy I choose the wrong guy. I loved him, and he made me feel I was being superficial in my requests, and I didnt want to be "high maintenance", so I let it not bother me. I didnt realize how much it affected me until he left. Hmmm, I guess he was right after all, I did choose the wrong guy. Please, dear, don't look at yourself as broken, or needing to get over some unsurmountable obstacle. I don't think you have anything to "overcome" but the pain of your past and some uncertainty of the future, but don't let those things make you start to question your sexuality, desirability, etc... I hope you can trust this to be an honest, male opinion (no jokes about oxymorons, please...): you seem to be describing a woman who likes sex, and also enjoys both showing and receiving affection outside the context of sex. Wow! It's still a little early in the process for me, but when I allow myself to imagine a woman in my future, that describes a dimension that I really hope to find and nurture in a relationship. That's the type of woman i WANT to be. I just fear I'm not that. I never saw affection between my parents when I was growing up. And my therapist helped me realize that I lived my parents life. It's worked for my parents. Hasnt worked for me. This is an area in my marriage that I need to work on. That I need to draw on other's experiences, and find other role models (friends marriages, etc) and create a relationship with affection. To be able to give and receive it. I'm scared because I dont know how you go about doing that, and I dont want to create the same relationship environment again. Yeah but that's the thing... I believe you deserve better than just "any guy" now, don't you? I guess my insecurities are showing again I shouldnt be waiting for just any guy, but the one who will be patient with me. When I met my exh, he was very patient with me. That was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. I just fear that there's not too many out there that are patient. And the one who was, was way too passive to get help when he knew there was a problem.
luvtoto Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 When I was in my marriage I HATED having sex with my X. It was basically my subconscience talking to my sex drive that I shouldn't be with this man. If that makes any sense. He was an emotionally/physically abusive man and only showed me affection when he wanted a little something something. He was a veeerrryyy selfish man/lover. I didn't see how much of a jerk he was at the time. I just thought what is wrong with me? I thought I was a poor excuse for a woman...I thought I had more issues than a normal woman should have. Since the divorce and a couple *steamy* relationships later...I found out there is absolutely nothing wrong with me! The only time my sex drive shuts down is when I know in my heart that I'm not being treated respectfully, like a woman should be treated. Oh, yea...I avoid selfish men like the plague, cause 9 times out of 10, it usually carries over to the bedroom. `````````````````````````````````` I'm the one on the right!! ``````````````````````````````````
Author dgiirl Posted December 12, 2005 Author Posted December 12, 2005 OMG, I'm totally freaking out. I dont want to be single. I dont want to figure out the intentions behind a guy speaking to me. K, I dont normally drink, I've only drank now 3 times in my life. I drank a little too much this weekend, thankfully I was at home, alone, surfing other forums. But I was chatting with a few guys I met on the internet. I was extremely flirty and our talks got a little risque if you will. They were drinking too, but it's totally freaking me out. I would LOVE to find a guy who wouldnt take advantage of me. But I dont think there's many out there. My exh was one of those rare kind, and that's part of the reason I fell in love with him. But he also wasnt very romantic or affectionate. I hate being single. I'm petrified of being used. I've never had, nor would I ever be able to handle, a one night stand. And I hate worrying if a guy is only speaking to me because he wants to sleep with me or because he really likes me. And then facing the fear of rejection if I tell a guy I'm not ready. Crap, I feel like a teenager again. I dont want to deal with this stuff
Trimmer Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 Hey, DG... It's starting to sink in with me, too, that I'm basically starting over in the relationship game. I don't think I have anything terribly constructive to tell you, but I just wanted you to know I'm listening. I try to take solace in the thought that maybe people "like us" who have done a lot of thinking, feeling, and working on these relationship issues will be both more attractive to the "right kind" of partners, and also better equipped to tell when we've met that right kind... The only thing I thought of in reading your post, is to consider what "venue" you use to meet people. Perhaps it's a bit of a generalization, but I think people who look for partners in a bar, for example, bring a different perspective to their search than.... I don't know, book signings, poetry readings, classical music concerts? Sounds kind of stupid now that I say it... I am not yet at the stage where I'm ready to go start looking, so I haven't checked out the "In search of..." or "Dating" forums yet, but I wonder if there's some decent advice there.... Bottom line - you sound like a thinking, feeling, likeable, loveable person. Don't let your fears convince you otherwise - I do that myself, and it's sometimes a struggle to break through it and believe in myself. Trust yourself to be attractive, and trust your mind and your instincts to be able to evaluate potential partners. On one hand you are at the "teenager" stage of starting over in relationships, but only to a degree - you have immensely more maturity, experience, and in spite of how you may feel sometimes, more emotional stability. I believe you will find guys who will find these to be some of your many attractive qualities. Trust yourself.
Author dgiirl Posted December 13, 2005 Author Posted December 13, 2005 Thanks Trimmer for your reply. I was having an anxiety attack when I wrote that. I havent started looking either. I'm semi ready, but not actively pursuing it. And anytime anything remotely goes into that direction, I'm freaking out. I can handle a little bit of flirting, but when it gets a step too serious, I start having anxiety attacks. I dont know why I'm freaking out. I want to have the same confidence in relationships that I do in every other aspect of my life. But when a guy gets TOO close, I pull back. I put up a wall and want to run away. I just dont know what the hell I'm doing.
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