okay, i acknowledge a pattern, now what?

[Bob2005]

There's a very good book on dealing with people entitled "Winning With People". It's about all relationships, from work to romantic ones. Written by an ex-pastor but not a religious book really.

 

There's a concept in it I've seen proven in people as a manager. When everyone has a problem with "Bob", the problem is usually "Bob".

 

I don't know you and this is only from your post, but if you have a string of men that seem to all fall head over heels for you, but then they all dump you, there is probably something you are doing to: 1) attract this type of man (assuming they are part of the problem, cause it takes two to tango), and/or 2) there is something about you or something you are doing to cause them to leave you.

 

If someone thinks they are "the best", and he was a man, that's called being cocky and a jerk. The translation ain't any nicer if a woman is the same way, however you look. There's confidence, and then there's just being a jerk.

 

I was that "jerk" once myself. The problem was me. I looked for hot women and that's what I got. The problem is, what was underneath. So often, there was just nothing, but a lot of "ME, ME, and ME" again. No guy is going to like that.

 

Then there's the possibility that you may also go from one relationship to another without having ever fully recovered. If you are going thru the NC and recovery phase, as you mentioned, you'd have to ask how long the relationships are and how long you are taking to recover. It took me 3-6 months to get over a girl I never even loved but dated for 3 years. It took me 18 months to deal with a woman I knew for 7 years. The last woman, my soon to be ex as it looks, and I'm likely looking at 2+ years according to the counselors. So maybe you need to do some work on yourself, like I have been, to see what is making you behave that either invites the wrong type of man or which is pushing men away.

 

This may seem harsh, but my ex was a shallow, immature, "girl" with major abandonment issues. In my shallow search for an attractive exterior, I never considered that every relationship she ever had was in the role of "the other woman". I was looking at leaving my ex-gf when I met her, she cheated on me with a old married guy, and her bf before me was apparently seperated but still married, and something she hid from me until recently. So the problem was definitely not just with the women I was getting involved with, but the problem was also in me --- to put it succintly, I was shallow so I found shallow women.

[puffy]

In a way I believe that many good-looking women are a victim of their own hubris. Immature guys run after them and put them on pedestal, worshipping them like a goddess and attributing a bunch of wonderful qualities to them that they too willingly want to believe. Of course, it's a human weaknesses to fall for compliments and it's hard to resist the flattery and sweet words that someone tells you, but if you are honest you would also have to ask yourself, what do these dolts really know about you? And why do you start a relationship with someone who doesn't know anything about you and who nonetheless thinks you're the best thing since sliced bread? You were the one who made this choice and to believe his words, or should I better say, your ego decided that what he said was true. You both deluded yourself. Good looks make it easier to attract people, but in the end you will have to take the same slow way like anybody else to truly get to know someone and to create a real intimate bond. I'd recommend to weed out anybody who was too reverent, because this indicates too little selfconfidence and understanding of people and in the long term it just causes trouble.

[delilah32]

my computer has been down off/on since writing that initial plea for help, so i'm just now getting the chance to sit down and properly let all your responses soak in. wow! thank you, really. it's kind of hard to synthesize it all and my thoughts are racing...but a few points...

 

first, just to give a little clarity to some confusion my original post appears to have provoked, let me disclose that i am NOT attractive in the conventional barbie doll sense. i don't have giant boobs and poreless skin and long blonde disney land hair. i'm often told i'm beautiful, but i have my own quirky, offbeat aesthetic that doesn't really adhere to any sort of hollywood paradigm. blah. actually, i only mentioned being "attractive" at all because i realize that men--NOT JUST THE SHALLOW ONES--are visually oriented creatures and are drawn to good looking women. it's in the hardwiring. and i'm sorry, but guys who try to distance themselves from other guys by pointing out how shallow and "lookist" THEY are, raise serious red flags in my mind. anyway, many in this thread seem to be focusing in on the looks part, which is really only one little piece of the whole puzzle.

 

many of you have said some very thoughtful things. some of the women who've responded...it does make me feel good in a perverse way to know that i'm not the only one. and some of you guys have given me some good insight. i think my other mistake in that initial posting was that i painted a fairly biased, one dimensional portrait of myself and my relations with men. apparently that's where my head was that day, and here, a mere few days later, i'm able to even more honestly assess this bloody nightmare for what it is. it's amazing how each day brings new perspective in the midst of these break ups, eh? with this break up, i'm astonished at how much psychic progress i seem to be making so rapidly. i can't decide if its that i never really loved the guy to begin with, or if i'm just stuck in some serious denial.

 

either way, the nuance i left out earlier is that i, in fact, do have some problems i bring into romantic entanglements. namely, i have obsessive compulsive disorder and major panic disorder. the panic attacks are just a minor headache that men tend to be very supportive about. the OCD stuff, however, manifests itself in some unpleasant ways, particularly with relation to jealousy. with this last guy, i got very upset that he wanted to remain chums with seemingly every woman he's ever ****ed. i just COULD NOT get it out of my head that an innocent lunch with an old flame would lead to something more. the ocd thoughts wouldn't let me rest. then the whole thing took on a life of its own...he felt that issue symbolized a larger power struggle, when really, for me, it did not. this whole topic is further complicated by the fact that i'm not even sure if i'm "wrong" for preferring that my partner not hang out alone with old girlfriends. sometimes i think its just a post modern fad that we serial monogamists engage in in order to feel sophisticated and good about ourselves. i dunno.

 

another random thought: i feel like my last partner, and other men in general for that matter, set me up to later suppress my feelings/thoughts on particular issues by lavishing me with superlatives like "Gawd, you are THE MOST understanding woman in the world!! I just feel like i can trust you with ANYTHING!! so UNLIKE all the OTHERS!!!" and then, guess what, when i start to express my true feelings, the bubble is burst and i pay for it.

 

i just don't know what the balance is, people. i mean, we all put our best, most flattering selves forward in any relationship, whether it involves a pedastal or not. and we find those initial intoxicating chemical-laden days of relationships addictive and sometimes at odds with those nagging voices inside. i guess for me, i'm thinking that i need to slooooowww things way down. it's trite, i know, but i really do have so many other things i should be focusing on. i have a lot to offer the world aside from my aforementioned non-barbie doll looks. not to edge to far over into the spiritual realm, but i honestly feel more at peace with myself and the universe as a whole when i am being benevolent and loving toward others. i guess that's why i'm a social worker! as for men, i think i'm gonna engage in that antiquated activity known as dating. you know, where you go out with a few people every once in a while and don't fall into bed with any of them at the first hint of horniness.

 

well, this is how i'm feeling as the second weekend of my most recent break up draws to a close. but, with all the bipolar highs and lows of break-ups, who knows how i'll feel tomorrow! thanks, again.

[Painwraith]

ok

 

From a males perspective.

 

Many of us are arseholes. only out to get in your knickers. but saying that there are many of us who are not like that and genuinely want to find someone kind and friendly that like beer, pizza and a movie as much as fancy resteraunts etc.

 

Now perhaps its time to look at each previous boyfriend and also look at yourself when you were with each of them. perhaps there is a pattern? perhaps you can see a way to change that pattern slightly to see what happens?

 

For instance do you go for the guys that bound up to you grinning and fuelled with beer giving you chat up lines? or do you go for quieter people that stand off to one side and smile at you from afar?

 

I find that most men will go for anyone to stop from being alone, even if its for a short space of time, and I think that women also have a habit of doing this, inevitably the relationship will fail.

 

Why dont you try an experiement. why dont you go up to a man and chat him up? sounds daunting but look for someone who is slightly different to normal, dont let him in your bed that night or anything, but see if they want to go for a drink later on that week in another quieter place if your initial chat shows they are not an axe murderer or lunatic. I think you will be surprised..

 

You never know lightning could strike...