delilah32 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 in a nutshell, i have a history of men going ga ga crazy head over heels down on one knee for me in EVERY single relationship. i'm physically attractive, smart, quirky, funny, creative, passionate, benevolent, etc (no, this isn't a ****ing dating ad), and men tend to think i'm "the one" almost every time i get involved. and i tend to get swept up in the addictive qualities of being romanticized and plopped on a pedestal that i know i'm just bound to be toppled from before all is said and done! cos see, what happens next, is that these same men start backing off from me...either abruptly or slowly...and though the context varies, it basically ends the same: they want to discontinue the relationship. then, i feel completely and utterly crushed, like i am now, and go thru all the classic phases of grief, establish and stick to no contact, etc., and almost every time, just when i'm over the guy or on the verge of being over him, he waltzes back in begging me back!! i don't get it!! i guess i should temper my earlier self-characterization with the fact that in addition to having all those virtues, i'm also opinionated, intense, persuasive and neurotic. many men have said i'm the most complex creature they've come across. of course i've dumbed all this down for the sake of simplicity, but this is my relationship narrative in a nutshell. now what the hell do i do to make things different>?? or what am i doing wrong to begin with??? men, do any of you have any sage advice? or basil for that matter.
omegaRED Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Well you seem to have the qualities any man would want (i personally like opinionated, somewhat intense and persuasive girls). What do you do in the relationship? What is that drives the men away? Any of your exes told you what drove him away? Too serious too quickly? Not moving fast enough? I mean it`s very difficult to give you any advice based only on the information you provided... But, i`ll give it try... 1) You should know when to back off (make a compromise, you don`t have to be always right) - you say you`re opinionated 2) Live you life and establish boundaries, try not to change you life`s habits TOO MUCH when you get into a relationship - i`m assuming you meant you are intense about some issues in the relationship, try not to take it too seriously, if possible, at least at the beginning (easier said than done, i know) 3) Leave your man be himself, don`t try to influence his life too much 4) About being neurotic - medication? Just kidding, but really, if this is a serious issue, seek some professional help Maybe if you provide some more info it`ll be easier to give you more specific advice.
Neptune Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 It seems you are causing these men to break up with you. It appears you are pushing them to the limit, even though they are really into you. Is it a case of you, uncounciously perhaps, of pushing them into this? A fear of commited realtionships? They can`t take it any more so they break up with you. But, being that they really are into you after a while the feelings overtake the stress that caused them to leave.
puffy Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 You're a trophy girl. The guys see something they really really want, they get it, realize you're not as perfect as you seem, because no one is perfect and dump you. They liked the shallow you, not the whole real person with all her weaknesses and as they are immature people they break up with you, because you're not the ideal girl. These guys are the ones who are always after a challenge, someone who fills the void inside of them where their self-esteem should be. You can say, they don't know what they want. When you start to pull yourself together after the breakup and present them your smooth perfect image, that's when they realized that made a mistake about you and want you back again. Do not take them back. I'd recommend you to let a lot of time pass before you start a relationship with a guy. Find out first if he has the potential for a good friend and if he also sees you as a friend and not as an object. These are the ones who also see you as a human being with all the same weaknesses that everybody else has and not as a fantasy come true.
In Sync Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Based on what you've described I'm thinking it's the classic thrill of the conquest. You're beautiful etc, etc... That believe it or not is a challenge to some, you are not a person but an object to win at any cost because their egos need to prove that they can get this incredibly beautiful woman. Here's the kicker, their ego's begin to doubt if they can handle what they've obtained. Remember you are not a person to these egomaniacs but an object to win over...a conquest. You on the other hand are in the whirlwind of all the attention. Why not, you deserve attention but in all the lavishing attention you are probably not observing carefully the character of the pursuer. So naturally when they are no longer interested in the challenge or doubt themselves they feel a need to back off find fault in you (ergo making up the excuse that you are complicated..hello that's an insult to you, do they expect you to be SIMPLE, someone easy for them to handle?) Be as happy and comfortable with yourself and relish the attention, but at the same time scruntinize the one who go ga ga over you. If suddenly you lost your looks or became fat and moody (that happens in life)..would they go ga ga..is it you and your inner personality they like or the thrill of just having gotten a beautiful woman..which for some can be replaceable. As for when they always come crawling back it's still in their minds oh I lost my beautiful toy..and when a child gets bored with a toy and starts to look for it again well you know what happens.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 It sounds to me like you're attracting guys who have commitment issues. The classic pattern is overkeenness in the early stages, followed by sudden bailing out later. Since commitmentphobia is a dance for two, you're probably part of the problem. If only because something leads you to choose these guys. If this sounds plausible, check out the book: "He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships" by Carter and Sokol
latefragment Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 OMG this could be me. I seem to get idolized by guys in the early stages of dating. Maybe ALL guys idolize girls in the early stages, but the last few guys I've dated have done the exact same thing: talking about exclusivity or me keeping my stuff at their place within the first few dates. That usually scares me off for a while, but then I get broken down by all the compliments, attention, and, let us not forget that these guys were attractive (looks, personality, interests) to me in the first place. So like a dumsh*t I kind of let my guard down, at the same time my neuroses, opinionated-ness, and general a**h***ness (did I mention I give off a tough-girl, tomboy thing, I have an edge - that's what attracts the guys in the first place, the fact that I give off this ultra confident, I couldn't care less about you attitude?) poke through here and there and drive them off. What it is is that they like the fact that I have an edge, and I can be ultra-confident to the point of being a jackass (that's exactly what I find attractive in guys as well. the underlying reason is i don't want a "nice" guy because i'm commitment phobic and don't want to be tied down. this is subconscious of course). so i think these a**h*** guys are attracted to this. they woo me as though they want to marry me or something. that scares me off. but i'm a sucker for gallant displays of affection, etc. i fall for it. once they realize i'm hooked, they see the "jackass" side of me in a new light. I don't mean to be "mean" - in fact I've been working hard on my behavior to tone down my "edge" - but once in a while, I might get upset. and that's enough to drive them away, for good. delilah - i totally relate to you. i feel like i'm left in the cold - and i feel like such a sucker for falling for gallant, overzealous displays of affection in the beginning. i think it may have something to do with the way i present myself as well (meaning a lot of people think i'm physically attractive. not to be immodest, but i think that has a lot to do with my problems. these jackass guys give me the benefit of the doubt because they are attracted to looks, but then ... the rest is history)
teethbrushes Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 This same thing happens to me too! And in my last relationship, I know he was genuine because all of our friends kept telling me how in love he was with me and how he only talked about how beautiful and wonderful I was, etc. I actually remember him telling me he thought I was too pretty and it scared him. He ended it with me SO incredibly abruptly and told me he had moved on a month later. Now, I'm not so sure he has....he hasn't said anything to the contrary, but his actions speak louder than words. the other girl he made a relationship with RIGHT after me, curiously was not very attractive and somewhat overweight and the relationship wasn't going anywhere for several reasons...and surprise, it didn't. But I don't know if its because he can't handle a relationship or what. I started getting semi-involved in this new guy I liked, and then he started displaying the SAME behavior of being obsessed with me and everything about me. I enjoyed the attention for a couple of days and then distanced myself from him, because the last relationship ending was bone crushing. Its been 9.5 months and I'm still not totally over it.
NoFaith05 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 What might be happening is that these guys fall madly in love with you, but then they see that you do not feel the same way, so they get scared and run away? They'd rather hurt you before you get a chance to hurt them?
cynicalnlove Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 haha, that seems to be my problem too. I never understood why, they were so madly in love with me, and then all of a sudden they just bolt to leave me wondering what went wrong. When I was dating my ex, all his ex-girlfriends were typical average girl. Then he met me, and to him I was the challenge and the trophy. Not to put myself on the pedestal but I came and i was successful, I was young, and I was attractive; where he was also attractive but had believe him to be average. He was madly in love, but then got super insecure about where I went, who I was talking to, or even glances. Then things got bad, lasted a few more months; and he says you're too good for me. why are you with me, then he dumped me. I just think to his mind it would be, I got a girl everyone had wanted and I dumped her to boost his ego. Or maybe he had thought that he wasn't good enough, and that conflicted with his esteem. I'm not sure - What do you Men think?
konfuzd Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Welcome to my nutshell!!!! I've been in the same cycle for years now, and I wish I knew the answer. Each guy who comes along seems more authentic than the last, you keep telling yourself that this one will stick around, but no. As much as guys will tell you that they really want a girl just like us, strong willed, independant, lighthearted, (and all the other great qualities mentioned in previous posts) they always revert to the mindless, self absorbed, high maintenance girls, and it's maddening. It seems as though they're only happy when they're completely miserable. The majority of my friends are males, and the coupled ones are constantly complaining about their 'ol' lady' how she always calls the shots, she's in charge, and are constantly b!tching about one thing or another. I'always hear from bf's friends/family about how happy he is with me, "he's waited so long to find a girl like you", etc.... I can't count the number of times I've heard "you're the coolest girl I've ever met", "why aren't more girls like you"... then in a puff of smoke, they're gone, no explanation, no goodbye... It just plain sucks... Sorry to hear so many of you are battling the same frustration I am. I feel as though I've tried everything to no avail. Let me know if any of you break the cycle and how!!!!!
cynicalnlove Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Welcome to my nutshell!!!! I've been in the same cycle for years now, and I wish I knew the answer. Each guy who comes along seems more authentic than the last, you keep telling yourself that this one will stick around, but no. As much as guys will tell you that they really want a girl just like us, strong willed, independant, lighthearted, (and all the other great qualities mentioned in previous posts) they always revert to the mindless, self absorbed, high maintenance girls, and it's maddening. It seems as though they're only happy when they're completely miserable. The majority of my friends are males, and the coupled ones are constantly complaining about their 'ol' lady' how she always calls the shots, she's in charge, and are constantly b!tching about one thing or another. I'always hear from bf's friends/family about how happy he is with me, "he's waited so long to find a girl like you", etc.... I can't count the number of times I've heard "you're the coolest girl I've ever met", "why aren't more girls like you"... then in a puff of smoke, they're gone, no explanation, no goodbye... It just plain sucks... Sorry to hear so many of you are battling the same frustration I am. I feel as though I've tried everything to no avail. Let me know if any of you break the cycle and how!!!!! OMG!!! Exactly. Here i am, sweet and nice in everyway to him. I'd cook bring home sweet gifts, wear sexy lingeries. He leaves me for this ugly girl with a horrible personality, who works in the supermarket when she's like 29. And ofcourse, i'm going to wonder - you choose that over me???? whats up with that?
Lishy Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Oh the perils of being beautiful, gorgeous and sexy and the best thing that walked the earth!!!!!!!! The beauty pagent room is 3rd on the left!!
cynicalnlove Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Oh the perils of being beautiful, gorgeous and sexy and the best thing that walked the earth!!!!!!!! The beauty pagent room is 3rd on the left!! Oh god, its not that I was talking about being beautiful and gorgeous. I was talking about being a good girlfriend, and why men play their games on you. If you haven't read the previous statements and comments its about; why did they leave you for someone who is not even good to them. When here you are standing in front of them offering the best that you have. They manage to just play games with you.
Lishy Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Na I was just making light of it hon These guys are jerks!!!!! You can all do better and one day you will. Dont take it personal, dating is a wicked and cruel thing!!
konfuzd Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Oh the perils of being beautiful, gorgeous and sexy and the best thing that walked the earth!!!!!!!! The beauty pagent room is 3rd on the left!! I really don't think this thread was posted as a b!tchfest about flaunting one's attributes in order to get attention. It's unfortunate that you read it that way, and assume that it's simply a bunch of people boasting about themselves. Obviously these girls, myself included, have confidence in themselves both physically and mentally, and are frustrated with getting noticed for things we have to offer in the short term but can't seem to find someone who can appriciate it in a longer sense. Maybe you're ok with booty calls, but not all of us are, hon!
cynicalnlove Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Na I was just making light of it hon These guys are jerks!!!!! You can all do better and one day you will. Dont take it personal, dating is a wicked and cruel thing!! no, dating is a hassle. you could either play with it or sit on the sidelines. right now, i feel much safer sitting on the sidelines. I don't know.. how you would break the cycle. This happened to me 4x now. So if anyone knows the secret, please let share the information.
Lishy Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I really don't think this thread was posted as a b!tchfest about flaunting one's attributes in order to get attention. It's unfortunate that you read it that way, and assume that it's simply a bunch of people boasting about themselves. Obviously these girls, myself included, have confidence in themselves both physically and mentally, and are frustrated with getting noticed for things we have to offer in the short term but can't seem to find someone who can appriciate it in a longer sense. Maybe you're ok with booty calls, but not all of us are, hon!Maybe a booty call would lighten you up? did you read what i posted straight after? I will refrain from retaliating to your snide jibe, hon
teethbrushes Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 my ex used to tell me i was the best thing that ever happened to him and he wouldn't want to do anything to screw it up. He constantly said he was so lucky to have me, etc., but then boom...gone one day and claiming to be over it in a month with another girl who's way immature, overweight and admittedly not very pretty. I think the ending of our relationship may have had to do with his insecurities too though but more to do with a miscommunication. But I do find that guys become scarily obsessed with me very easily. I think my ex actually might be, to be honest after realizing he dumped me for dumb reasons.
In Sync Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 To All of You Who Have Had the same experience as delilah32, I must say these posts here were somewhat sad yet fascinating. There's a common thread (excuse the pun) in this thread. For some reason you are amazed that with your wonderful beautiful (mind you this was your emphasis) attributes, that men would come on like crazy to you and then lose interest. As if your beautiful attributes would shield you from a man dumping you. Excuse me, have you heard of Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry..oh yeah Sienna Miller and Nicole Kidman. Hell even Angelina Jolie got tossed aside by Billy Thorton...so why would being beautiful mean you are protected from a man's lack of interest. In fact my question to you all is, if you are having this repeated syndrome and I don't doubt your own self description, why aren't you more selective in the caliber of men you allow in your world. It seems you fall for their fawning over you and make yourself available. As the Hope Diamond that you are, wouldn't you be more discerning about who's hand you go into? Or are you equally responsible because you like the excessive attention and can't imagine that a man could possibly get bored of beautiful woman?
teethbrushes Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I AM extremely selective and my most recent ex is definitely known as the "nicest guy on campus", etc. i have a hard time figuring out if he's a jerk or not. I don't know...I am totally selective and always have been. So I really don't know how to solve the issue at hand!
mememememe Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I think puffy said it best back on the first page of responses; Their behavior is one thing, but you need to RECOGNIZE how you RESPOND to it...that is the real trick! We all have our own reasons for getting sucked in by people, but remember: a guy who is so wrapped up in you from the beginning is a complete idealist with only conquest in mind. It is NOT to say you aren't all that he says you are...and more...(especially if you are sensitive like me and have a good heart and help people AND happen to have good looks...they love to take advantage of that)...you just need to realize what your inner flaws are that allow him to think he can sit back on cruise control and not "want" you anymore. You need to see the red flags up front; For me, and not to generallize, but I know I can't date actors anymore. I can't date anyone who is so caught up in the romanticism of their career or life where they are attached one day and then completely detached the next. Think heavily about these guys, what their family is like, etc. ALSO -- for me, I notice that 1) I have a fear of commitment and therefore get off on the fact that they are wrapped up in me, while claiming to "hate it"...and then I self-fulfill on knowing they will "abandon me" and abandon their idealistic views of me at some point...because my mom always abandoned me when I was young and all I wanted was for her to love me...think about YOUR patterns as well as theirs. Also, 2) I noticed that since I am so used to being "let down" that I self-fulfilled that right away...for example... do you get needier as things go along? do YOU change? do you become LESS assertive? there is something there that allows them to feel that they can lose their interest...and they are simply the wrong guys...because you are not superwoman. i recently met a well-known person in the entertainment indusrty who i really respected before meeting, and we had a great "date". we talked for hours. upon my departure (no kiss, nothing, just hand holding) he said "wow...I know I'm going to see you again...when can I see you again? oh, a week? that's too long...I want to see you sooner........." so, naturally, being TOTALLY high from him pursuing me for the last 2 weeks, and our great date, I couldn't wait for his call....that I NEVER got. Lesson? I don't really know, but don't place all your self-worth on their interest. In my mind, it is this guy's loss. He wil go back to dating women in his industry who, maybe like him, are addicted to smoke and mirrors and lacking a real connection with who they are. I get depressed from time to time, but I do know this: I will never compromise myself for ANYONE. The RIGHT guy will adore you, even if it takes you 1000 men to meet "him". Right now I am still pining over my experience with this last guy, wondering what coiuld I have possibly done wrong. The answer? Most people are really insecure and after a conquest, solely. Perhaps you are shooting LOWER than where you should be...on many fronts. I mean more so in terms of integrity, morale, etc. I still think Puffy put it perfectly.... sorry so long i'm ranting
teethbrushes Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 i think my last relationship ended for something other than that. I think it had more to do with health problems than anything else. But I'm not so sure you're right about actors. I'm an actor myself and i think its wrong to say they're in the relationship and detatched the next. I think actors feel things deeper than most people...as to most creative people. Although many creative people ARE self-absorbed.
cynicalnlove Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 i think my last relationship ended for something other than that. I think it had more to do with health problems than anything else. But I'm not so sure you're right about actors. I'm an actor myself and i think its wrong to say they're in the relationship and detatched the next. I think actors feel things deeper than most people...as to most creative people. Although many creative people ARE self-absorbed. Its not that I was picky or anything. I actually would know someone for a long time, and i believe to them.. it was a cat and mouse. Once they got what they need they're done with it. Their ego has been fed, and they're full. whats more to say than that?
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