i can't believe it

[macy]

by ex bf and i had been together for two years. living together almost from the start. he has been divorced and has a little boy. i know people tend to romantisize lost relationships, but he really was wonderful. we had an awesome realtionship, he fulfilled most all my needs in a relationship, my family loved him, he loved my family, his son and i had a great bond, we enjoyed the same things, it was just all i could have hoped for. the only thing missing was that i was ready to get married and he was not. he always told me that it was a matter of WHEN and not IF, but he was never able to give me any idication of when that WHEN might be. i was not able to hold on to the promise of "when" when it seemed like "when" was nowhere in sight. he would talk about our future in practicle ways that would indicate i was a part of it but not romantically or concretly.

 

my doctor told me my clock was ticking (i'm 32) which caused me to bring up the marriage thing to him. i told him i wanted to be engaged or married within the next year and he said he didn't see that happening, that he was not near ready for it. skipping alot of details, he came home and broke up with me two days later, saying that it's not fair to me that he can't give me what i want/need and has no idea when he would be able to. again, he reminded me that it was always a matter of "when" and not "if", but that he knew it wouldn't be anytime within my time frame. he suggested maybe he just needed some time to figure things out and maybe we could get back together. i had never seen him cry before, but we both cried so hard this night.

 

a few days later, he came to move some things out and bluntly told me that he does not see a future for us together as a couple, that he'd like to be friends, but that is it. this shattered any hope i had. i told him i didn't see how we could be friends, that it would be too painful. he asked me to just give it some time and at least consider it.

 

we bottom line is, he gone. after two years and what i thought would be forever, two years of total happiness, trust and comfort, he gone. i don't know how to do this. i don't know know how to handle the pain, anxiety, fear. it's been almost three weeks and i still can't believe it's happened. he seems totally fine (we had to speak to arrange him getting his things) and he said that he couldn't let this keep him down forever. he sounds totally over it. and hopes i'll call him someday to say let's go out for a drink, as friends. i don't understand, we just got back from mexico, were planning another vacation in the spring, he went into business with my family...how did this happen? no, i don't believe there is someone else, but i know there will be eventually and that thought is more than i can handle.

 

i've have some supportive family and friends, i have read a lot of books, i even started seeing a counselor, but at the end of the day, it is still there. i am so afraid and alone. he is gone, it's 100% over, he has LEFT me and he's not coming back. it's over. i can't seem to accept it b/c we didn't have any problems, except if/when we would get married.

 

if anyone can help me figure out how to accept this, what to do, how to stop the panic, the intense pain, i would be so appreciative. i feel like i have lost the most important thing, sure i have some other things in my life, but this was most important. everyday, i am struggling to stay afloat, it consumes my every waking minute and he is basically over it. also, how will i ever meet anyone new? my friends are married and there are slim chances i will meet anyone that way, i work in a predominately female profession and i dont go out to bars or anything like that. i'm not near ready to meet anyone new, but the thought of being alone forever is scary as hell, especially when i just lost everything i thought i ever wanted. i'm scared i am getting 'worse' instead of 'better' here and i am afraid....