strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 just to days ago.. my gf and i seperated... after three years and one month together... we broke up... I totally didnt see it coming, i always thought we would get married. we had gone through so much in our lives together that it was almost impossible to even see us part.. We had a problem on August. She started acting weird... i talked to her to try and find out whats going on, we work at the same place, and we have been ever since we started going out. It was a beautiful relationship... i talked to her and i asked her whats wrong, she finally told me... drowning in tears that she has these feelings that she dont understand. i talked to her about it and i asked her if it could potential end us, she responded yes.. so i quickly took it into account and told her to take some time alone and think. we did that... and she called me that night. she said that she needed me more than anything and she thinks everything is fine.. a week later the same thing happened. that time i told her to absolutely no talking to me... because i felt if it kept happening, it would eventually kill us both. So we did,... the worst four days of my life... we ended up talking again very deeply to each other... things werent going perfect but we got lucky and had a chance to house sit for someone. we did that, had a great chance to talk to each other and really catch up with our lives. we are in college, we were working part-time, and i can tell she was getting ALOT OF STRESS from work. (summer, full-time job). We got a chance to stay at our friend's house alone, we talked, we cooked for each other, watched tv, snuggled, and i cooked breakfast and just did whatever i can to make her happy and relief her stress. After a week of being with her, things were alright again everything was wonderful. it was just like before any problems happened. i felt her heart, her love... her need of me. until a week ago... 2-3 months after the big problem. She was out with a friend that she hadnt seen in a years. He was going to stay over. his family and her family were really really close before she moved away. I called early in the morning when i was about to head to school, i asked her whats going on, and she told me her plans for the day. So after that i called her after my classes at 12pm, she didnt pick up, i left a message telling her if she wants to send him to our workplace so i can meet him later on. she didnt return my call. i called at 7pm, no one answerd, i called her house phone, talked to her mom and her mom told me she had been trying to call too. I was starting to get worried.. so i called again at 12am, 2am, 4am... and at last 8am... she said she was very sorry. she was talking with him all night in the house and didnt hear phone calls. (no she was absolutely not cheating on me. she is definitely not that type of person at all). After that, we talked that evening about what happened after work at 10:30... she sounded so angry... so mad... she pushed everything back at me and told me i was over reacting... i cried and all she felt was more anger from my crying. so we left that evening... i was kinda angry... i called her that night... and we didnt really talk, she went straight to sleep being she was so tired... the day after, we were at work and i wanted to talk to her after work, but she said no she has alot of stuff to do. so we didnt. she didnt call that night either because she had alot of work n said that she fell right asleep. monday i called her n left a message because i thought i would just give her a day to think. on Nov 22nd... i went to work to get something, and she agreed to talk to me after work at my house. She came over and she handed me a letter... it said it was very hard for her to put into words because it was hurting her as she wrote it... it summerized that she needed to be honest with herself and with me. everytime she has a problem she pushes it away or see right through them... and she had feelings she couldnt understand again.. she told me that i couldnt love her anymore... we talked in my bed for 2 hours... the whole time we were crying together... i asked her why... she cried very much while trying to tell me that she has been hurting for a while about feelings she couldnt understand... and she had been keeping it from me and herself. and she must end it because she doesnt want to be hurt anymore... and she also doesnt want ot hurt me... she hoped i wouldnt be mad at her... and im not... and she also hoped that we could still be best friends. i still love her so much...it has been 2 days since our seperation... i feel like my world is crashing down on me... the world we have worked 3 years to build is crashing down on us. our pain, our fears... we are seperated... it isn't believable that this great extreme could ever be possible... i was blind... and now i am dwelling... The person i praised my life with... stressed... scared... alone... unhappy. My poor little baby... poor thing... How did this end up happening, us hurting ourselves so much with this seperation... She needs her time and space to be alone, to let her refresh and flush out the darkness which she had kept so dearly away... Sweeping her problems under the carpet, and now it has grown into a giant monster that has eaten us alive... My heart feels ripped... torn... and the very love that ran through my very vains are slowly draining out of me... dark... red... But this isnt about me... its about her... about how brave and admirable she should be for telling me that she has been unhappy and that i cant love her anymore... but i do love her... so very very much... i care about her so much... if only she told me earlier... would i be able to help the love that was once so strong it surpassed the carbon bonds in diamonds? no regrets. i feel i did my job... I always thought we were unstoppable because when i am with that little lady, no problems will come from my side... she is beautiful. her eyes are as blue as the fresh tropical springs, her lips are as sweet as hawaiian honey... her hair, shines golden in the sun... her body... small and sweet... so very huggable... and her perfect personality, so loveable, careable.... i miss her so much... i would do anything within my power to keep her with me.. but that is impossible now... i was blind to see that she was unhappy because she is so good with hiding problems or pushing problems away. she is perfect at seeing through issues and pretending they dont exist... but they do... and now... it all hits together and we have parted... Is there still hope for us? I feel so certain even now that this isnt the way things are suppose to be. i know it isnt. there is something very very very special about us when we are together. i know there is. I hope time will heal our problems, and hopefully we can be together again in the future. We are so perfect when we are together, and i feel we are in the wrong time frame. We are in the middle of college, school, work, there is very little time to be with each other. and i know for sure that this isnt one of those stupid cliche high school things or what so ever. there really is something special. Any response to help me... It was a very clean break, no arguing... no nothing. i respected her decision. We are just friends now... and i do call her... we dont talk like we used to... but i also need to give her her space. I really truly believe she really is something very special. something that is VERY VERY RARE.
Yamaha Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Sorry, but I don't see much hope. Don't chase her and give her the space. You will find that the times you talk will become less and less. She is pulling away and you will have to accept it. She has decided that you are not right for her. It's tough but there is nothing you can do.
Nikita20 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Something sounds fishy. I don't think that she is being completely being honest with you. I just have a funny feeling that she is seeing someone else and that is why she is so confused and is pushing you away. I know that you mentioned that she would never cheat on you. However, when you explained that she spent the whole night talking with this "other" guy and didn't hear the phone ring--I'm sorry I just don't buy that story. I have a feeling that she is seeing this "other" guy and that is the reason for her confusion. That is my take on it. I could be completely wrong. Who is this friend of hers that is so close to her family? Is this an ex boyfriend? I'm just curious.
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 You are in the Limerance Phase and are blindly and completely taken by this tropical delight . She however, has indeed pulled away because she wants something else in life. Think hard and think clearly. Its over. Your sweet baby has gone. You might need us here and we will try to help you.
Author strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Something sounds fishy. I don't think that she is being completely being honest with you. I just have a funny feeling that she is seeing someone else and that is why she is so confused and is pushing you away. I know that you mentioned that she would never cheat on you. However, when you explained that she spent the whole night talking with this "other" guy and didn't hear the phone ring--I'm sorry I just don't buy that story. I have a feeling that she is seeing this "other" guy and that is the reason for her confusion. That is my take on it. I could be completely wrong. Who is this friend of hers that is so close to her family? Is this an ex boyfriend? I'm just curious. I assure you she isnt. i know her, i know her family, i know him. he has a girlfriend, he can even be considered a girl, or gay. nothing fishy, not the case at all and i know that absolutely 200%.
R.L.Spees Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I want to know, every single problem that results in breakup usually has advice given to the person that it is hopeless. I havent seen one breakup that says there is hope. It is as though this forum is a gas chamber for the person to be purified and give up on everything, no matter what the scenario is. Why is that? Even when there is something very special involved. destiny? a temporary breakup doesnt mean that they need to always just say screw hope and go on. this universe has so many parallels, and in the multiverses, there are unlimited possibilites. This isnt how it has to be. It is as if whoever needs advice about anyhting in this website, it is, "just give it up and move on". What ever happened to hope and faith. I believe it is not completely blind. There are numerous ways to define a certain symbol or script. no one is certain about anything. No one can be certain about anything. and to say there is no hope is saying they are truly dealing with an absolute, and extreme. I believe there is hope in every scenario, and there always are open possibilites to ever lasting eternity with one that even seems a need to be forgotten. Time.
RescueDiver Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I have to agree... "not hearing the phone ring" does sound fishy. I heard that one of my girlfriends one time and the reason she didn't hear the phone was because she was at another guy's house. That doesn't mean she was cheating, but it does mean that she didn't want to hear the phone ring. It's likely that they were having a real heart-to-heart conversation. Which can be just as devastating to a relationship. I too don't see too much hope. Is it possible that you could get back together? Of course. But is it likely, no and the other thing to understand is that if you do get back together, it won't be the same. You have a long road ahead of you and you're going to have all sorts of doubts that you'll ever find someone as special. I thought the same thing when my ex broke up with me after 3 years. And you know what, I did find women that I connected with even better than I did with her. Unfortunately those relationships didn't last either. But time is the only thing that will make any of us going through this feel better.
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 How awful that would feel to know that your girlfriend is spending all night with someone and is ignoring the ringing phone . That hurts.
Author strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 How awful that would feel to know that your girlfriend is spending all night with someone and is ignoring the ringing phone . That hurts. it really is, but i understand why she did it. she has a problem with facing issues. anything that stresses her out, or feels like an impossible thing to deal with, she pushes it away, and tries not to deal with it. The only reason why she didnt even bother calling or probably purposely putting the phone on silence is because she is afraid to tell me that she had been having these problems on her mind for a while. Her different interpretations in feelings... It is VERY HARD TO ACCEPT, that something so real, so strong, so permanent, is just another course change in our lives. That our relationship was here for another lesson plan. it feels so rude... like our love was just there for our lives to take advantage of it and use it for a course change... i know i feel i just want to hear what i want to hear... but i feel it isnt right. i feel this, isnt right. this... destiny.
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 You are being too kind and need to start playing Hardball ! If you think that she is your destiny and no-one could possibly ever fill her shoes , you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery. She was not forever. She is gone. She told you not to love her anymore. She is moving on. You will hang on and suffer. Writing these letters of professing love while she is out there getting on with her life. Please accept that nothing lasts forever. After you stay in your house and are depressed eventually you will wake up to the possibility that someone * else * can be your love.....can be your world again. She is gone...dust in the wind....
overseas2004 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I hate to be a bit crazy here but there is one thing I could not get out of your whole post and that was, Why the h*ll did you two break up? I understand she was having some feelings that were making her uneasy but I couldnt quite understand, nor do I think you found out, what those feelings were. In addition to that, one big word of warning, dont assume that you will ever know a person that well to know that they were not cheating on you. Every human has a deep and dark side and we are capable of everything depending on teh circumstances. The fact that she spent the night with another man and did not call you all night is worrisome to me as well as I can see to some of the other posters. Please try to find out why the two of you broke up and get back to us to help you sort it out.
Author strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 I hate to be a bit crazy here but there is one thing I could not get out of your whole post and that was, Why the h*ll did you two break up? I understand she was having some feelings that were making her uneasy but I couldnt quite understand, nor do I think you found out, what those feelings were. In addition to that, one big word of warning, dont assume that you will ever know a person that well to know that they were not cheating on you. Every human has a deep and dark side and we are capable of everything depending on teh circumstances. The fact that she spent the night with another man and did not call you all night is worrisome to me as well as I can see to some of the other posters. Please try to find out why the two of you broke up and get back to us to help you sort it out. i really do need to find out, and i will leave cheating out of it, because she just isnt capable of it. she was homeschooled, and her mom has always been the one to teach her. i know i dont completely know her darkest side, but i know it really isnt the case. i believe that the onlyu rteason why thius happened is because she feels cornered in the world, like she is feeling pressure from me. a pressure that pushes her to the corner, like we might be a burden in her life right now. i have felt that way too., but i believed our love and futur could be so strong, i worked my life around those issues to keep our future together, ot grow together... and i will have one final very serious talk with her about what had happen and why. i dont want to pressure her, but i need to know, what am i learning from this, from her. how can i be sure the same issue will not occur in the next if we are really not destined.
Apathygrip Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 you need to toughen up and move on....me and my ex broke up a month ago after a 3 year relation....it hurt alot, she even starting dating a friend 2 weeks after the break up..lol!! But I just keep moving and growing never lookin back. Hang in there bro!! It happens to the best of us
Author strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 you need to toughen up and move on....me and my ex broke up a month ago after a 3 year relation....it hurt alot, she even starting dating a friend 2 weeks after the break up..lol!! But I just keep moving and growing never lookin back. Hang in there bro!! It happens to the best of us i know, but i cant help but to hang on until i know for sure the whole puzzle.... it just feels like there was no complete explanation. i dont feel satisfied with what had happened. usually, an argument and people yelling at each other's necks would be a satisfactory away of ending a relationship. this one just ended calmly and peacefully with alot of crying. and i dont know. it just doesnt FEEL RIGHT. thats what ive been trying to say. something doesnt feel right about this, and i am not giving up on this until i am satisfied with what it was, from HER. quoth, "sh*t happens" this was a perfect relationship and i felt i was stabbed in the back without knowing what went wrong. i took the august event for one, but she didnt tell me when the problem came again. we could have ended it with a more logical way, but all i had done when i ended it was from my respect for her decision that is still not understood i dont know if you people uderstand... and i need someone to help me understand my thoughts... it feels scrambled> but i know i need something to happen before i really do start moving on.
Nikita20 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I know that you may believe that she is innocent, but as overseas put it, "Every human has a deep and dark side and we are capable of everything depending on the circumstances.' I'm not accusing your ex of cheating, but for her to just do a 180 degree turn on your love because she feels pressured, just doesn't add up. Maybe she didn't cheat, maybe she has feelings for someone else and is struggling with that. Her answers are very vague why she broke up. You just don't break up with someone because you are stressed out and can't face your problems. Typically you turn to your loved ones for support and guidance, you don't push them away. I just think that she is using this as an excuse--the real reason hasn't been unveiled. I think the real reason is because she has feelings for someone else. It explains her actions perfectly. However, I could be wrong. Only she has the answers. But, for now it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore and she is moving on. In the meantime what you need to do is give her space and do 100% NC. Do not call her, do not email her, etc. It will be hard and you will have to do this in order to heal and move on. Perhaps, this will give her time to have 2nd thoughts and miss you. If she does call you back, only consider taking her back if she says, "I miss you. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together." However, from your end, you need to be calm and neutral. Do not tell her that you miss her, do not tell her that you love her, don't beg for her to come back, etc. She needs to do the talking--she is the one that broke up with you. But, let's say she does say all those things, "I miss you. I made a mistake. I want us to get back together.", I think taking her back at this point is riksy because you need to get the real reasons why she broke up with you. Until you do, it is up to you to decide if you do want her back. It is possible that she could do this to you again. Could your heart take this? I don't think that it could. However, at that point, you have to assess the situation and follow what your gut tells you, not your heart. Just bear in mind, don't use NC for the purposes of winning her back. She may not call and this could backfire on you if you had hopes that NC will win her back. It is only a method to help you heal your heart and move on. I hope this helps. Hang in there and keep posting if you need more advice.
Author strengthnhope Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 i am trying to take in what you said. thanks alot for your advice, i will try and follow... its hard, maybe i need to read it over a few times before i understand... I just wanted to thank everyone that has posted here... i found this site and i read quite some stories here. i know i wont feel better right away about the situation... but i feel i am getting somewhere by hearing from all of you. it is hard to not talk to her or email her, and i think it can be done... but the thing is, we work together. actually just about 10 meters away where i can see directly to her. i see her every fri-sun... i am considering finding a new job to try n get a move on, but it is near impoossible to find a job as a college student with the right schedule that flexes around you. such a complicated situation... i just still cant believe i didnt see it coming... and i usually do see things coming...
Neptune Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Most likely she has set her sights on another guy. The friend of hers that she spent the night with is likely just a friend that she can really tell all to. But I could be wrong about that. I feel there is a VERY good chance she has slept with another guy because of her statement that you could not love her any more. She probably feels it would shatter you for her to tell the whole truth. This is of course, all pure speculation on my part.
Nikita20 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I missed the part that you work together. That isn't good. At this point, you can't consider, but you HAVE to get a new job. Start putting your resume out now. You CAN do this. Part of NC is not seeing her. By seeing her everyday at work will torture you and bring you down even further. By the way does your university have a job board? If so, start looking there. Usually these jobs are catered to college students and have flexible schedules. If not, I'm sure there are other companies in the area that will work with your schedule. But the key thing is to start looking now.
Apathygrip Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Without a doubt no cantact is your best friend in this situation. It sucks and it counterintuitive, but it's like aloa on a bad burn.
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Can you imagine going through this and not having this site ? I am very thankful I found this when I did and I read alot of posts everyday and it helps me to see alot. The part about her not cheating : I dont know . That could be the darkside of her. Or she is contemplating cheating . Or has strong feelings for someone. You need to open up your mind to this possibility. She is not a Saint. She is a human being. Human beings do things sometimes that they keep secret from everyone. A woman cheating for example. How many women do you know that say :" Hey I have cheated. I am very proud. " Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone but it happens everyday. Its not a sense of pride but more a loathing to feel like you slept with someone behind your boyfriends back. I have no idea because she dropped you in the middle of the road with no explanation. If something smells rotten it probrobly is rotten. She has done something rotten and you feel it. Put distance between you and her right away.
Author strengthnhope Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Can you imagine going through this and not having this site ? I am very thankful I found this when I did and I read alot of posts everyday and it helps me to see alot. The part about her not cheating : I dont know . That could be the darkside of her. Or she is contemplating cheating . Or has strong feelings for someone. You need to open up your mind to this possibility. She is not a Saint. She is a human being. Human beings do things sometimes that they keep secret from everyone. A woman cheating for example. How many women do you know that say :" Hey I have cheated. I am very proud. " Cheating is an awful thing to do to someone but it happens everyday. Its not a sense of pride but more a loathing to feel like you slept with someone behind your boyfriends back. I have no idea because she dropped you in the middle of the road with no explanation. If something smells rotten it probrobly is rotten. She has done something rotten and you feel it. Put distance between you and her right away. this discussion about cheating is going down the wrong path to finding my answer. I KNOW, 200% that she is not cheating. No, not given the fact that i know her or not, and no not given the facts that there may or may not be a darkside. its given the circumstances of her sisters going to the same school as she does, her mother closer to her than anyone, and her only best friends are at work. there is no affair indeed. i dont know how much clearer it can be. its not that i dont want to hear it, but its really going down the wrong path. i want to kick it back into the right road. i dont know how assuring i can be, but i assure you, and myself, it isnt cheating. end of discussion. not because i refuse to listen to it, not because it could be true, but because it is not humanly possible under her circumstances.
Neptune Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 strengthnhope, OK, I will take your word that there is no other guy. But, the way you put it makes me curious if this gal doesn`t feel like the world is closing in on her and she is ready for change. She may be breaking things up to clear a path to move on. Young people particularly can be very unhappy sometimes and not really be able to understand why.
chocolate_boy Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Sometimes, as sad as it is, people's feelings just change.... Maybe she didn't feel that connection or need to be with you anymore.. I say this cos I've been through similar recently, and that was her reason. You can't force love and sometimes it just goes without warning... Harsh.
Mary3 Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Okay I will put myself in her situation. Over the last 3 months she started feeling restless . She was not where she wanted to be in life. Her relationship with you was not making her feel happy anymore. She felt deep sadness because she knew that you loved her but her feelings were changing. She tried to make attempts to keep on track with you the train eventually derailed. Some dead giveaway clues :" You said you had no idea she was feeling this way and then she started acting weird, " Trust me this change , this evolution of hers began LONG before she spoke to you and felt weird. Somewhere back there she started the long descent into discontent and clearly wanted a way out. With you loving her so much , the last thing you wanted was for it to end. She needed it to end . Then she met up with a long time friend and spent the whole night talking to him. I can imagine that she spent the night telling him how unhappy she was with her life and wanted to end it with you. There in the background the phone was ringing and ringing and she avoided it. Whether she had some feelings for this long time friend that night and saw her attraction to him or even deep friendship, I am sure this friend was the great listener and she decided you were not what she wanted. Okay so she didnt cheat. (Not in the physical sense), She may have become emotionally involved with him and thats cheating if she takes her emotions and gives them to him. Emotional Cheating can be just a devastating. Maybe he was the strong caring friend who just helped her make her decision.
meltwithme Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 My guess: theres someone else. She might not have cheated, but my ex broke up with me almost the exact same way. Blah blah im confused I don't know if I have time for a boyfriend right now. A week later she told me she "had a new boyfriend now." I really think shes with another guy now that your broken up. And even if that ins't the case you just have to let her live with her decision to leave, You won't change her mind so don't even waste time trying, only she can do that. I know you want answers but you won't get them and she will seem like an entirly different person if you do talk to her. Bottom line - she doesn't give a f.uck about you anymore so you have to try to get over it man, sorry I know it f.uckin sucks but thats life for yah.
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