westernxer Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 The fact that he's listening means he likes you. Satisfied? (Hubby's gonna beat your ass if he finds out.)
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Thanks for your support Craig! I am already seeing someone for therapy. I guess in the midst of all this , its the support of friends and family that comes to mind. Yet, I have something ironic to share .... Just recently my husband got mad at me again and I called a really good friend to tell him what had happened and all he needed to say was that he was sorry to hear what had happened and ask if I was okay. Instead he didn't offer any polite words , instead said that I should do what I think is best. So, much for friendship. I have known this guy since high school and this is all he had to offer!!! So, in moments like these I truly feel that there are no real friends out there. Really, my problem is mine and I have come to see from experience that friends like to stick by you only when times are good . So, when I see someone being nice I am automatically drawn to them!!!
Craig Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Jessica I am sure that he likes you and equally sure that he would not become involved with you--because I'm psychic. Now, seriously...at this point of your existence you may be wondering if there might be a good man out there that one day you can be with in the way you want. Yes, there is but you will have to do some work on yourself first. As much as you might want to believe that your sole problem is the man you find yourself married to, it still does take two to tango and you've learned to be a victim/survivor of abuse over the years. Once you are in counsellings and out of the situation for a while you'll start to see how you were an enabler of the abuse through your actions or inactions. This isn't' to say that the abuse is justified only that if you had taken different actions when it first started that you would not be in this situation with the abuse. Believe me you'll learn a lot that you never thought of. Please make that call to the domestic violence center and begin the rest of your good life. I am sure that good men will be attracted to you.
Craig Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 ...So, in moments like these I truly feel that there are no real friends out there. Really, my problem is mine and I have come to see from experience that friends like to stick by you only when times are good . So, when I see someone being nice I am automatically drawn to them!!!Real friends are rare and having one or even two real friends that will stick with you through the bad times is rare. It might be possible that your friend could tell that you were ok just by the tone of your voice and didn't want to offer any advice to you in case you followed it and it turned out bad. Here is a good read for you as you work on leaving and divorcing your husband. http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 I have already done that and also have received some advice on how to defend myself if soemthing like this happens. I guess I am really intrigued to know why do you think that this guy will never make a move on me if he likes me (and how do you know that)
Craig Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I guess I am really intrigued to know why do you think that this guy will never make a move on me if he likes me (and how do you know that)Please. I was joking about being psychic. I have no idea and no one else here knows if he likes you either. I would bet good money that he knows if he likes you or not but might not admit it or he might just like you as his friends wife and nothing more. Regarding self defense...your best self defense is to avoid situations like that and if you can't then to run away. Physically defending yourself is always the very last resort and remember if it comes to that, that you are only allowed to use as much force as required to allow yourself to run away.
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 It might be possible that your friend could tell that you were ok just by the tone of your voice and didn't want to offer any advice to you in case you followed it and it turned out bad How do you know????? How can you tell????? I am really intrigued by all this!!!
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Craig, if you don't mind my asking, are you based on the east coast. I am from California and just wondering where you were from? You dont have to answer this.. just curious!!!
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 Just wondering , let's say that you have a gf and you have been with her for several years and suddenly you meet this girl, who is different from most girls you have known, wouldn't you be tempted to be with her, if only once. It doen't mean that you have to leave your gf, its just you want to experience how it is to be with that person. Why, is that not a possibility? I am a moral person, but sometimes I wonder what is the harm if you want to experience something differnet ? Isn't life about having different experiences???
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 I just would like to know if he likes me for real or is just being compassionate. Then get some one on one therapy...You've been emotionally and physically abused - The last thing you need right now is to be in the comfort of another man's arms...Especially if you can't tell if he likes you or not. Your mind is thinking clearly and I'm sure your trust level in general is low. So, with that said, you need to be by yourself for a long while before jumping into a "friendship" with this friend of your husbands.
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 It doen't mean that you have to leave your gf, its just you want to experience how it is to be with that person. Why, is that not a possibility? I am a moral person, but sometimes I wonder what is the harm if you want to experience something differnet ? Isn't life about having different experiences??? It's called cheating. Yes, life is about having different experiences...ONE at at time, not tasting all the candies in the candy store! Part of being in a committed relationship, marriage is just that. Being committed.
newbby Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 jessica, you are avoiding your real problems because they are too scary. you have in fact come to a point where you talk about them as though they are normal everyday things. yet you are still trying to escape from them or hoping somebody else will save you. so what if you come to terms that nobody is going to save you? who will save you?
Craig Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 Just wondering , let's say that you have a gf and you have been with her for several years and suddenly you meet this girl, who is different from most girls you have known, wouldn't you be tempted to be with her, if only once. It doen't mean that you have to leave your gf, its just you want to experience how it is to be with that person. Why, is that not a possibility? I am a moral person, but sometimes I wonder what is the harm if you want to experience something differnet ? Isn't life about having different experiences???I have found myself in situations that could have resulted in me having an affair but always extracted myself from them and never allowed myself to get into another situation/environment where anything could happen. Yes I have been tempted but at the same time realized that the person I thought I was attracted to would, in the end, not measure up to my expectations and the pain, grief and guilt caused to so many would not be worth it. Also, I consider myself a very loyal partner and violating that loyalty would mess with my head too much.
Craig Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 It might be possible that your friend could tell that you were ok just by the tone of your voice and didn't want to offer any advice to you in case you followed it and it turned out bad How do you know????? How can you tell????? I am really intrigued by all this!!!There's nothing much involved, it's like when your best friend calls you on the phone and just based on the way they say "hello" you know if they are in a good or bad mood, sad or happy, okay or not.
Author jessica77 Posted November 26, 2005 Author Posted November 26, 2005 I am trying so hard not to think about this guy...its been two days and I have neither called him nor heard from him. I feel like putting time between us will make me less attracted to him. I really have no way of getting over this feeling. I know that I have brought myself into this situation and I have to extricate myself out of it. So, I am keeping myself busy, reading watching TV, talking to other friends(since it is the weekend), yet I cannot forget him. Another thing I am trying to convince myself...its been two days and he hasn't made the effort to contact me so it means that he doesn't really care about me. So, I guess if I just avoid calling him and see that he doesn't call me back, it would prove to me that he doesnt really care about me. I am gonna try it for a week, not calling him and see what happens. If I don't hear from him till next Friday, I guess I would have proven my point.
Author jessica77 Posted November 27, 2005 Author Posted November 27, 2005 so, I have one last question on this discussion that I started. I am really looking for closure on this stuff that I am going through. So, will confronting the guy help...like If I was to ask him straight out if he liked me as s friend or something more , would that help????? I think that I am so obsessed with this stuff, I really need to find out something..... What do you guys suggest???
whichwayisup Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 You need to deal with your marriage first Jessica. Right now what the other guy feels/doesn't feel for you shouldn't make a difference! It's ego that is feeding that curosity! Don't go asking anybody out until you actually physically LEAVE your husband. You're obsessing and it's doing harm to you.
bigbrowneyes Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 Jessica, Right now Attila the Hun would seem appealing to you if he was less abusive than your husband. In any case, my x-husband was physically and verbally abusive. I lived that life for 7 years. He secluded me from my family and friends and continued to degrade me to the point that I thought I was worthless and should be grateful that he even held a thimble full of love for me. Don’t you see that the way you are feeling about your husband’s friend is largely due to the fact that he is nicer to you than your husband. Ever heard of the phrase, “birds of a feather flock together?” I’m sure if this guy is your husband’s buddy they have some like qualities that you are just ignoring. If you are flattered by his attention, than use that to your advantage in a positive way…feel good about yourself and know that you are worthy of more in life. Find the courage to leave your husband and in the process, learn to love yourself. As far as the buddy, let it go. Start a new life that doesn’t have any strings attached to your old life.
Author jessica77 Posted November 27, 2005 Author Posted November 27, 2005 Thank you both for your sound advice. Thanks for sharing your experience big brown eyes. I know that it is silly being attracted to someone, where you know things will never work out. But, I guess that is the thing with attraction... Its like something you learn to do and that gives you comfort, how do you delearn and start all over again. And please dont bring my hubby into it, I guess the love there was lost long back .Its something that I share with another individual , which I haven't with anyone else. So, for u all to say that I should forget about him....is relatively simple and probably the best route, but how do I do it. I haven't spoken to him in two days and I miss him already. So, how do I make a vow never to speak to him again??? Any answers???
Author jessica77 Posted November 27, 2005 Author Posted November 27, 2005 Its not like i am ignoring your advices , but I am confused and probably quite smitten(as the word goes!!!). So, it is difficult for me to think straight from the head , even though I would advice someone no different then what you all have told me. I guess, what I am trying to ask is how do I make this easy on myself.
bigbrowneyes Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 Jessica, You say not to bring your husband into this but the root of your problem IS your husband. You say that the love you and your husband share was over a long time ago....so why do you stay? Does your spouse have substance abuse issues? Do you have children that are involved in this mess and you feel that you need to stay for their sake? What I didn't share with you Jessica is that my x-husband also became very abusive with my children. To make the matter worse, my X tried to shoot me in the temple in front of my small children. I came home one night from a visit with his father and step mother...who he has no contact with. When I arrived home, his truck was not at the house. Appearently, he parked his truck around the block and walked home so he could hide in the front hall closet. When he heard me come in the house he jumped out of the closet with gun in his hand and held it to my temple. At the time, I was holding his 6 month old son and his 5 year old son was beside my side. It was a terrifying experience that my now 21 year old son will never forget. At 5 he was forced to rescue his little brother by running out of the house in the middle of the dark night. Fortunately, I was able to talk my x out of killing me. I slept with one eye open that night and the next morning I left him with. I had no money or job. He had forced me to be a stay at home mom because he was so controlling. Fortunately, I found a terrific job and the landlord at the subsidized housing unit admitted us into a unit immediately. I borrowed money from the landlord and grateful that God walked by ourside during this time in our life. If you have children, PLEASE walk away.
Owl Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 You guys are really missing the whole point here!!!!! It's not like I am having an affair with him, I just would like to know if he likes me for real or is just being compassionate. Let's take another scenario, here is this guy who is really nice to a girl. He talks to her nicely every time she calls him and he is helpful and charming and blah, blah... So how does this girl figure out if this guy really likes her or is just flirting with her. Hope this question helps...... Jessica- You ARE having an affair here. It's called an emotional affair(EA). Just because you've not slept with this guy does NOT limit the damage that's being done to your marriage. Face it...your husband would go through the roof if he knew you were calling this guy 4-5 times a day...you're hiding that fact from him, as well as hiding your feelings for this guy from him...these are the hallmark traits of an affair. Left unchecked, this WILL lead to a PA (physical affair). Here's the thing...you've still not outlined HOW your husband (H) is abusive. You're still focusing on the other man (OM), and not truly demonstrating any desire to fix the situation other than to find an easy way out for yourself. So here's the deal.... You truly have two choices. It's that simple. Choice 1: Fix your marriage. Go to an IC (individual counselor) who understands marriage issues and infidelity. Confess EVERYTHING to them, and let them know that you're wanting to fix your marriage. Tell them what issues you have with your H, and ask them to help you to work out a plan on how to proceed from here. Then, go to your H, tell him what issues you've got with your marriage, and ask him to go to a MC (marriage counselor) with you. One who is PRO marriage, understands infidelity issues, and can also help deal with whatever form of abuse that you feel your H is doing to you. Tell your H the truth about what's going on with OM, and work with your H to establish NC (no contact) with OM. End ALL kinds of contact with OM...PERIOD. Help identify areas where BOTH you and your husband can improve your marriage and WORK on them. Choice 2...end your marriage with H now. File for divorce, seperate from your H, and once the divorce is final THEN pursue OM and see if there is something between you. DO NOT pursue OM at all until you are DIVORCED. It's illegal, immoral, and all kinds of ways to simply ruin your chances of being happy with anyone. It's this simple. Quit focusing on your thoughts and feelings for OM at the moment, and start working on a PLAN for moving forward. Take a look at the marriagebuilders website for some good info there. There is another forum there that can provide some good insight as well.
Kenyth Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 The sequence of events is this......... 1. Divorce current spouse. 2. Get life together. 3. Date other people. Why do so many try to circumvent the natural order of things and act so totally surprised when their life turns to shambles?
Author jessica77 Posted November 30, 2005 Author Posted November 30, 2005 Hmmmnnn... you know guys all your advice seems so practical , but like it is with advice it is easier said then done. What seems like a pretty simple situation, has lot of aspects to it. I mean this guy and I have a bond...its a friendship and its not so easy to just decide one fine day that we are not friends anymore... I mean how do I convince myself that he doesn't really care for me...that I do not mean anything to him... I really need closure on this confusion before I can do anything else...
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2005 Posted November 30, 2005 Life is hard...Choices are hard...But please, do the right and fair thing for your husband. Don't continue on this path. It is selfish if you continue to lust after your husband's friend... Make your own closure by NOT caring what he thinks/feels for you. Work on your own life, your own issues. IS it easier than you think. Just focus more on you than him. Talk to a therapist too.
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