Relationship off to a great start then she goes back to her ex-? WTF? (Long)

[RescueDiver]

I have a story to share with everyone... I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice so much as to vent. On the other hand maybe it'll help someone else avoid a similar mess.

 

Here's my story:

I met this gal Jen through match.com about two months ago. When we got to talking about dating Jen expressed some reservations about me because I'm a full-time firefighter. Anyway, I ask her if she thinks it best we just go our separate ways so that no one gets hurt she says that because she's really enjoyed our conversations that she'd like to remain friends and still talk. Two days later Jen is lamenting about a failed date she had just had (the guy had a problem with her religious beliefs). Then she brings up that her 32nd birthday is coming up in a few days (I'm younger by 5 months). She says that she's bummed because she has no-one to share her birthday with. I half-jokingly ask her if she'd like to go out for dinner the night of her birthday. She asks me if I'm serious and I tell her I am. She accepts and thanks me for being so sweet.

 

Well, Jen and I have a wonderful birthday dinner, go back to her home and watch a couple of movies. After that we talk until 4:30 PM the next day (crashing out for a couple of hours around 6AM). I can't think of another time that's happened to me. Jen too seemed pleased that we could talk "forever.”

 

The next day while Jen and I are talking about how much we enjoyed each other’s company she finds out about this car-related event at the end of the. She invites me along on it and I accept thinking "how cool is this! Someone that likes cars as much as me." That Friday she hosts a wine-tasting party. Unfortunately due to the short-notice I'm not able to get the day off of work. However, later on that weekend Jen invites me to go shopping with her at a local outlet mall. Well, we have a great time and end up having a very nice dinner as well. By the close of that date I'm beginning to think that Jen might be interested in being more than friends (reading body language and so forth). So, we have a discussion about my job and she reveals that she is getting more comfortable with it. So, I ask her if she would like to do something the next weekend. She says yes. That weekend she makes a wonderful dinner (I do the dishes), then we go off to the magic show and have a great time. Afterward we watch a movie and spend the night together cuddled up in each others arms (no sex, but we did share our first kiss).

 

That week we plan a mid-week dinner because both of us are busy the following weekend, so once again we go out and have a great time. Two weeks later we head out for the car-event and I end up spending most of the day holding her trying to keep her warm (she'd forgotten her jacket). Anyway, after that we go back to her house and watch another movie and chat. Around eleven she says that I need to go because she has to get up early to have breakfast with a friend and then deliver the wine from the wine-tasting party. I'm a little disappointed that I don't get to spend the night but I kiss her goodbye and depart.

 

The next day we plan a couple more dates. We plan a mid-week dinner date because we're both going to be busy the following weekend, and then we plan to for her to come out to my place in two weeks for a hockey game. By now I'm obviously developing feelings for Jen so I ask her if she's okay with us being more than friends. She says she likes where we're at, but stipulates that she's not looking for a commitment yet. Later on that week, in fact the morning of the dinner date Jen tells me she needs to cancel our dates. When I ask why, she says it's because she has some “crap” she needs to sort out. She asks me for time to get stuff figured out. I tell her that’s fine.

 

Well, I discuss what happened with a couple of my lady friends and they both ask me if there's another guy involved. I tell them that I don't think so, but I decide to confront Jen about it anyway. As it turns out there is an issue. Basically what happened is after I started showing an interest in her an ex-boyfriend and her ex-husband suddenly decide they want to get back together. Well, about a week goes by and Jen and I are still talking and having some really good conversations. Some conversations don't go so well because I obviously get inquisitive as to how her "process" is going. Well, during one such conversation she tells me that she as basically dealt with everyone but me and her ex-boyfriend "Brad" who works at the same company as she does. She says she doesn't know what to do about us because she likes me a lot obviously, but still has feelings (and a lot of time and emotion invested in Brad). She also mentions that she knows where Brad stands as far as religion, children, and so forth. She also is concerned about the distance between us. We discuss these things and find out we are on the same page with them.

 

Before I can continue my story I need to shed a little light on the back story between Jen and Brad. They dated after Jen became separated from her husband (but prior to the finalization of their divorce). Jen's divorce wasn't finalized until just prior to our third date which is why I didn't push things at first. Anyway, Jen admitted that she loved Brad very much. Brad as it turns out is taking some sort of medication (I don't know for what) that has some pretty nasty side-effects. The story goes on that his doctor supposedly told him (off the record) that Marijuana would ease the side-effects. So, Brad picked up a pot habit. Well, Jen being 32 and all is obviously looking to start a family and doesn't want to do that with someone who is into drugs. So, she tells Brad that he has a choice between the drugs and her. Much to her surprise he picks the drugs. So, even though she is shattered by this, she breaks up with him. They decide to remain friends however to keep things from getting weird at work. Here’s where things get sticky. Apparently at the wine-tasting party a lot of people were coming up to her and asking her (excitedly) how dinner went with the firefighter. Well, Brad (who was at this party) caught wind of some of these conversations. Anyway, the following Monday at work he goes ballistic… saying lots of really nasty things about her. I only know this because she called me that night and told me. I asked Jen if maybe Brad thought the two of them were getting back together at some point. She said "no" that they had rehashed this all before and she didn't know why after six months this was all coming up again. Well, what I didn't find out until just recently is that after Brad's blow-up, he came out and said that he was giving up the drugs and wanted another chance with her. Once I heard that (and heard that she had been very much in love with him) I didn't hold much hope for her picking me because I had been in this situation a few times before and every time the woman in question has gone back to her ex. Still I was already in this far and it was going to hurt either way so I decided to hold out for her decision.

 

Over the next week or so Jen and I continue to talk and I end up picking up a web cam so we can video-chat. Jen already had one so I had decided early on to get one. Anyway Jen was very excited about the webcam and we shared many long happy conversations. Actually it started to seem like I might actually have a chance of beating out her ex-boyfriend. Jen told me that she was really missing me and started talking about future plans once again. However, a few days later Jen e-mailed me and said that she had decided to try seeing Brad again. She said that it wasn't because of who I was, anything I did, or didn't do. That it was just that she already had so much invested emotionally that she needed to find out for herself what the deal was. Well, I e-mailed her back and told her that though I was upset, that I understood her decision. I told her that if things didn't work out between her and Brad that I thought we should give things another shot because there was obviously a connection between us. I asked her if she'd like to still be friends (because I wanted to keep the lines of communication open so I would hear if their relationship ended). She said she'd have to see. I imagine this Brad guy is pretty prone to jealousy and that's why she said that. After all look at how he reacted when she and I weren't anything more than friends and went out to dinner.

 

So, that's my story... obviously I'm hoping that things aren't going to work out between them but I'm trying not to hold my breath. Because I thought her relationship with Brad was ancient history I never really asked too much about it. So I don't know if they will last or not. Jen has said that there were other issues, but the drug thing was by far the biggest one. But I also know that love can blind you to an awful lot. In every case like this in the past that I've been involved with the relationship the girl has gone back to has not lasted. It's just been a case of how long. I tend to be a bit pessimistic about this stuff because I've never had much luck in relationships so I'm betting they'll probably make it work or that I'll end up being in a new relationship when they do break up.

 

I guess to make this a discussion instead of just a rant, does anyone see any way I could have avoided this, or headed her ex- off before he got a foothold. The only real thing that sent up a red flag was that she told me that Brad had come over recently (since our first date) to fix her furnace a couple of times. I had thought about saying something about that because I didn't like the sound of an ex-boyfriend over doing home repairs for her. However she and I really hadn’t reached the point to where I would be justified in making that complaint.

[westernxer]

You can't help it if she's into her ex, but you don't have to put up with it, nor should you hold a torch for her.

 

Dump her memory in a garbage heap and get on with your life. It's tough, but you have to do it.

[CoolAunt]

So, between the time that Jen and her now-exhusband seperated and the divorce papers came through, she had started and ended a relationship with Brad and started a relationship with you. So Brad must have been her rebound guy and you were the rebound to the rebound. Wow! Talk about your serial daters. (Most wise people have a cooling off period, at least a year alone, after a marriage ends to heal the wounds and not leave any business unfinished.)

 

RescueDiver, I think that unless you enjoy this kind of drama, you should cut your losses and be glad that you didn't get closer to Jen or spend more time with her before one or another of her still unfinished past relationships popped up. And don't wait for her. She may come in and out of your life as Brad climbs on and falls off of the wagon.

 

Get out there and meet some more women. It sounds like you're a good guy with lots to offer.

[RescueDiver]

So, between the time that Jen and her now-exhusband seperated and the divorce papers came through, she had started and ended a relationship with Brad and started a relationship with you. So Brad must have been her rebound guy and you were the rebound to the rebound. Wow! Talk about your serial daters. (Most wise people have a cooling off period, at least a year alone, after a marriage ends to heal the wounds and not leave any business unfinished.)

 

RescueDiver, I think that unless you enjoy this kind of drama, you should cut your losses and be glad that you didn't get closer to Jen or spend more time with her before one or another of her still unfinished past relationships popped up. And don't wait for her. She may come in and out of your life as Brad climbs on and falls off of the wagon.

 

Get out there and meet some more women. It sounds like you're a good guy with lots to offer.

 

Thanks for the kind words CoolAunt. We'll see if he climbs on and falls off the wagon or not. I'm hoping he will but how many times will she let him get away with it? Who knows... but what can I do, but wait, heal, and strike out again. I'd like to say I'm glad that we didn't get any closer, but at this phase I'm still playing some "what-if" scenarios through my head. Yeah, I know that there probably wasn't anything I could've done different and this all boils down to unlucky timing. Also, there was a six month period in between when she and Brad broke up and when we started dating so I *thought* the rebound period was past. Technically I think she dated a guy through August so I think he would actually have been the rebound dude. I don't really know how long she was separated before she and Brad started dating. I don't imagine it was too awful long because I don't think she's been separated much more than a year (certainly not more than two). But like I said I don't really know the time frame because I didn't think Brad would be a threat.

[Mary3]

What Westernxtr said : You can't help it if she's into her ex, but you don't have to put up with it, nor should you hold a torch for her.

 

Dump her memory in a garbage heap and get on with your life. It's tough, but you have to do it.

 

I completely agree.

 

You asked for advice : How about NOT dating someone who still has feelings for their ex ?

 

You SEE what happens. You lose.

 

Always.

[RescueDiver]

You asked for advice : How about NOT dating someone who still has feelings for their ex ?

 

You SEE what happens. You lose.

 

Always.

 

That's all very fine and well, but as I said there was really no indication that she still had feelings for him. If I had known earlier on that this would be a problem obviously I wouldn't have gotten involved. I don't know how women are going to take the question "no offense, but you're not still in love with your ex are you?" Besides, a lot of the time they're not going to know that they still have feelings until that carrot is dangled out in front of them.

[Mary3]

Well the real way to do it is : If you decide someone is right for you and you want to begin a serious relationship with them, you have absolute right to ask them during the talk if they have any romantic feelings leftoever for their ex.

 

Would save alot of heartache if they can be honest with you.

[RescueDiver]

Well the real way to do it is : If you decide someone is right for you and you want to begin a serious relationship with them, you have absolute right to ask them during the talk if they have any romantic feelings leftoever for their ex.

 

Would save alot of heartache if they can be honest with you.

 

Yeah, that makes sense... but in order to be honest with me, they have to be honest with themselves first and that was probably part of the issue. Jen probably wasn't honest with herself in thinking she was over him. We did talk about him a few times and it *sounded* like she had made peace with it.

[Mary3]

Yes true. They could be trying to make themselves believe its over....I guess time is the best way to know...and of course , astute observation

[westernxer]

Jen probably wasn't honest with herself in thinking she was over him.

 

She wasn't.

 

We did talk about him a few times and it *sounded* like she had made peace with it.

 

Why would you guys talk about him? Oh yeah, she wasn't over him.

[Mary3]

True handsome Westerntxr ! If she was over him she would not be talking about him at all

[RescueDiver]

I don't think that just because you or someone else talks about an ex means that you're not over them. Maybe the way or how much you talk about them can indicate that but I don't think simply talking about them does. Our experiences are part of what makes us who we are, and that includes our experiences in relationships.

[Mary3]

Well I read an article that said : that if you talk about your ex ( positive or negative ) then that person is still on your mind and you probrobly have not let go completely of that person.

[RescueDiver]

Just wanted to post a little update. This Brad guy started IMing me Sunday telling me to stop calling/iming/emailing (I don't know where he got that from because I haven't been). Anyway, it turned into a 3 hour conversation (which turned out to be rather amusing). Obviously it annoyed me that he didn't seem to think that applied to him when I was dating Jen. And I certainly didn't need him rubbing it in that she picked him over me. But on the other hand I got a pretty good idea of what this guy is like and all I can say to her is "GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!" Boy, you talk about the epitome of insecure, over-competitive, controlling, borderline psycho/schizo. Sheesh. Actually I did feel a little better about the whole thing after the conversation because if that's the sort of guy she wants to be with... well, she probably wouldn't enjoy being with someone like me who would actually treat her right.

[Milo]

Ha ha ha. Good riddance to the two of them, then.