"just need some help understanding things"

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

 

I have been along time user here at the shack and it has helped me so much. I recently posted here about the situation with me ex and i pretty much just vented. Im not here to really look for support and to be told just move on, its over. Im not trying to sound mean its just I know that its over and I know i need to move on. Hopefully i can just get some feedback on to what might happened. Thanks you all very very much.

 

Ok so my ex gf contacted me out of the blue two months ago. Before this we had very mininal contact since the breakup almost two years ago. Our break up was not mutual, however it wasnt dramatic or harsh by any means. We didnt break up because she didnt love me anymore, etc.. You see we had a LDR and those that have been through one knows how tough they can be. So she broke up with me and it was hard on both of us. I was devastated and eventually I started to move on, although I guess I never stopped loving her. I had no contact from her for a longtime. I got a card from her in Jan. of last year and she said how great I was, how much she thought of me, how she is really realizing now what an amazing person I was and how much I cared for her, etc.. Fast forward till September of this year. My phone rings and its her. I was shocked beyond belief. So for the last two months we talked everyday, she sent me cards, pictures of her and her family. She told me how amazing I was, how much she missed me. She sent me gifts that were of a meaning to us when we dated, etc.. She invited me to go see her. So i do.

 

Well when I get there things are just great. We dont kiss or anything but I could tell it was leading down that path. There were definately sparks between us. Im pretty sure of that but mayube i was wrong. Anyhow the next day it all changed. We had a greatime together but It just seemed that she backed off all of the sudden. She was not the same girl that i was talking to on the phone for two months. It just seemed that she started to get cold feet and things changed. Anyways one night I told her how I felt that at times it was hard and that some old feelings started to stir inside me. I wanted to leave a day early bc i didnt want to get in a full blown emotional talk. She got upset at this started to get mad. Anyhow things finally blew up and we ended having a full blown emotional talk. She cried, I cried. etc. She made me feel that I shouldnt have thought anything between us. I mean after all she did how could she possibly think that I wouldnt think anything. So I didnt leave early and we ended up having a goodnite.

 

When I get home I dont hear a word from. She calls me and tells me that all our talking was stupid and pointless. That we cant be friends. That she doesnt want to hold me back in life and that I should go out an find a good girl. All of this was a shock to me and she said all this in a pissed, kinda mean way. It seemd that she was trying to fight some feelings she was having. That was it. Its been two weeks since the trip and no contact. It sucks.

 

So my question is this. I can only think of two things that happened and why she came into my life for two months, sent me gifts, etc.. then walked away like I never existed. One which is the most likely is that some guy broke her heart so she called the guy that she knew truly loved her. She was lonely and heartbroken so she's "like lets call the ex that loved me and treated me well". The other option is that maybe she got scared. Maybe she realized that once I came to see her things were getting to deep. Maybe it was like now he's actually here, we have been talking everyday for two months, this cant go on. We still live apart and if we were too get back together it would still be a LDR and she relaized that. I know that deep down i couldnt do it again and I know that she wouldnt want to either. I hope that its the second of the two bc the first option would suck. From your all experiences in the past, what doo you think happened and why she did what she did. I dont understand it all so maybe somebody else can help me.

[solsta]

I think she was hanging onto how the two of you used to be together and built something up around it all over again for the two months leading up to you reuniting. Then when you did reunite she realized maybe that she didn't feel the same.

[heartnsoul]

Well, I have a situation that's panning out a little like yours.

 

My ex (whom I've been broken up with for over 2 yrs) contacted me a month ago in an effort to figure himself out. Called me out of the blue....at work!

 

Seeing as how we were together for 8 (turbulant years) he found comfort in contacting me. At first, it was casual....reminiscing...catching up...and figuring out where our problems were in the relationship. Mind you, I'm no longer interested in him romantically and thought that his attempt to contact me was to gain some knowledge about himself (through anothers eyes) So, we've been contacting each other for a couple weeks but I'm now starting to think that he's up to something more.

 

Long story short...I'm catching myself dodging calls and having feelings that maybe he got the wrong impression at my attempt to communicate with him. I know in my heart that I can't go there again and I feel like I'm now in a position that I don't want to be in. That position is telling him that there's no turning back.

 

I'm sorry if this story isn't what you want to hear but I felt it may relate somehow to what you just experienced. It's a tough position to be in and because I don't want to hurt him ... I'm trying to tone things down.

 

Maybe she did experience a break up (which was the case for my ex) and she was reflecting and reached out to her most 'comfortable' option.....you. She may have assumed that enough time had passed to resume contact as friends but once she realized you were looking for/feeling more than herself....she retreated.

 

I don't know if she and I are experiencing the same thing but it's possible. Even though there are some differences and variations to our situations.

 

I hope you find peace soon.

[kodiak]

Solsta-

 

Thanks for your reply. I guess that is a very good possibility, that I probably overlooked. Its just seems so strange because there were plenty of great times that we had together. It seemed that their were sparks there but maybe it was just one sided. I dont know. I just cant figure how you could be so different once you seem someone in person. Especially if you once had something romantic with that person. We didnt break up over loss of love or loss of attraction, its the damm LDR crap. I wish she could have gave me some answers but it just seemd that she turned the whole situation around to make it seem that it dumb that we ever starting talking at all. It just sucks all the way around.

[kodiak]

HeartandSoul-

 

Thank you for your reply. Sure it sucks to hear that but what can I do. You know the thing is that she was the one that came on so strong. She was the one sending me pics of her, her family. She even sent me like sexy pics of her. I mean this was my ex from almost a year and a half ago. SHE did all this. I kept my cards to my chest for the first month bc I didnt want to get hurt. She kept telling me that maybe we are meant to be down the road and get married. We always talked about that in the past. She would tell me all sort of sweet things. She would call me and say goodnite, call me all the time, just like an gf would. Then I go see her like she was begging me too then Bam!!! It was liek the last two months never meant crap to her and was stupid as she said.

[solsta]

you know what? This is all HER issue and not yours. You are right. Her behaviour gave you the green in every way. She is confused and trying to make you feel it is your fault. Not a very stable person. I won't say what you don't want to hear but i think you know what it is.

[heartnsoul]

Sounds like she was 'On the fence' and when reality kicked in....she ran for the hills.

 

IMO...She called you out of the blue because she was possibly feeling nastalgic of the way she felt back when the two of you were together and wanted to see if she could regain that 'time and place' in her life. After some time and your visit...she came to realize the finality of what once was ... was just that...final. It's a painful thing for anyone in your position in this story to be in. However, you did it before (moved on) and you can most certainly do it again!

 

In situations like this you have to allow yourself to come to your own conclusions and face the facts. I'm still sad over my most recent ex but thru pain, tears, and confusion I'm finally finding my way through the muck. Like yourself, the only 'closure' I got was via myself and others here on LS.

[kodiak]

you know what? This is all HER issue and not yours. You are right. Her behaviour gave you the green in every way. She is confused and trying to make you feel it is your fault. Not a very stable person. I won't say what you don't want to hear but i think you know what it is.

 

 

Solsta-

 

Dont worry about hurting my feelings and telling me thinks, i have been hurting enough these last couple weeks, it really doesnt matter anymore. She sure gave me the greenlight, no doubt about that. It jsut sucks because I was doing so well before she had to pop back into my life. The weird thing is im not mad at her. I was played like a fool by a girl that I truly loved more than anything. Thats what hurts. I just wish she could have given me some answers, thats all I would ask. Today I sent her a text after two weeks NC just wishing her and her family a Happy Thanksgiving. I got nothing back. Thanks again for your help, happy holidays to you.

[kodiak]

HeartnSoul-

 

Thank you for your reply. I know that I just have to pick up the pieces and move on. I just dont understand any of it I guess. Its not like we had 2 months of just casual talking. It was alot more indepth that that by all means. Her excuse for not talking to me anymore is that I cant handle and she does not want to hurt me anymore. I guess she feels this way because we had that emotional talk when I went out to see her. Maybe that guy that dumped her if that was the case to why she called me is back in her life now so she doesnt need me around anymore. That would suck so much and just makes me realize that she never really cared for me at all. Its weird because when i left her there were no hard feelings then once i get home, she hits me with all this. Im just venting right now!!!!

[reader]

What it sounds like to me is that she built up what she thought you two had, you went to see her, and she realized it wasn't what she thought it was.

 

I'm sorry.

[kodiak]

Reader-

 

thank you for your reply. I am hearing pretty much alot of the same thing and sure it sucks. It is just hard to understand now. When I first got there, the first couple days, things were just perfect. We clicked just like oldtimes. many laughs and were very close. Then it was like something clicked in her. It seemed like all of the sudden she was like "We cant do this, if it goes any farther it will still be a LDR, i cant do this again" and like HeartnSoul said in a previous reply, she ran for the hills. From that point on it was different so ofcourse my mood changed then it was awkward from that point on. Why do you think that she just ignores me now like i dont even exist. Her reason is that its too tough on me and that the last two months were just stupid and pointless, boy that hurt when she told me that one. Have you ever experienced something similiar, Reader? Anyways she made me feel that she was really interested after all that time apart, now she just makes me feel like im worthless now. It sucks.....

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody

 

 

If you have read this post, you pretty much know what happened and what im going through. I dont know if she will ever call me again or when it will be. However i dont have a mean bone in my body and I could never treat her poorly. Do you all think that she will eventually call, its been about a week and a half with NC? When she does how do i explain how much im hurting and that i dont understand what she did, without being a complete sissy? Thanks everybody

[pippen_2k]

She knows how your feeling Kodiak, so I dont think your gonna hear much from her anymore. ( Which is a good thing )

 

You might get a text message in the near future, but thats up to you weather or not you read into it or not.

 

You will never get the answers you are looking for Kodiak, trust me on this one.

[kodiak]

pippen2k-

 

Thanks for your reply. It just all sucks so bad. Why cant i get any answers from her? Im mean she went through all these emotions with me and got me to come see her for what? Absolutely nothing. I feel like she just used me like a piece of crap. I try to get mad but i love her so much. I need to know why she did this. Why she told me such sweet things, why she sent me the gifts, why she sent me pics of her almost nude, why she told me that "maybe we are suppose to be together". Its just so irratating. She knew how much i loved her and was heartbroken when we broke up. Never once did she make me beleive that she wanted nothing more than to be friends. If i would have thought that I would have never have gotten into this. Seriously pippen2k, with this relapse im thinking i might have some type of depression problem. I have missed work, stopped doing anything fun. I know guys are not suppose to need closure but I think that i do. I need to know why she brought me up then threw me down like she did. Do you think that she did it for her own self-gratification? Or maybe did she relaize that she cant let this happen because of the logistics of it being a LDR? I need help with this, sooo bad. Im dying inside. Thanks again for your reply

[reader]

I think you might hear from her, but I can't say that it will not end up hurting you again.

 

What I did in a situation similar to this, was it got to the point where it hurt me so much to be treated like you are being treated, that I decided how I felt and also how I wanted to move forward.

 

In other words, I decided that I couldn't continue to be hurt. I was giving a lot more than I was receiving, and didn't feel that I was being treated with the respect that I expect from everyone else that I know.

 

I sent an email that said exactly what I thought. (I sent an email, because after I got a cross one from him, (see below), I called and asked that he call me back, and he didn't, so I emailed it instead.) I didn't blame anyone, I didn't accuse, I just stated how I felt, and wished him well. We were just friends, getting into a weird area where I would write, call, etc. and he would only when he wanted to, and if I didn't respond right away, I'd get this email saying.."IT'S ONLY BEEN THREE HOURS SINCE I WROTE YOU.", yes, in caps, wanting to know why I didn't write in a more "timely" manner, and then he wouldn't write, as if he was angry or something. I have no idea what this was about, and got tired of trying to figure it out, so,...

 

I made a decision. That's the key thing with you. You have control because you can make a decision about how you feel. You are the only one who can stop letting yourself get hurt. I don't know if I'm explaining this very well, and I know this guy and I were only friends, not in a relationship like you, but the end result is the same.

 

My life became a roller coaster of emotions with this person because I let it. So, I moved forward. I hired a personal trainer, am actively trying to make more friends, and am trying to enjoy the holiday season. Will he write me back? Yes, but only when he wants to, I guess to see if he can get me going again, which won't be enough for me. It's like I fed him, he was satisfied with the attention, and that was it until the next time he felt lonely.

 

Someone told me once that they expect a lot from their friends, but her friends can expect a lot from her, and I guess I'm the same way. I need to know people in my life will be there for me, and this guy isn't.

 

Yes, it hurt, still hurts, but I know that every day that goes by is better for me. Yes, I wonder what is up with him in terms of why he did this, but from what I've read on LS, it's a back burner, narcissistic kind of thing. All I know is that it has been a very lonely, desperate kind of feeling, that I don't need at this point in my life.

 

You don't need it either. Take steps to move forward. I don't think you would ever be happy with someone who does this, but in the meantime, take care of yourself.

[kodiak]

Reader-

 

First off thank you so much for your reply, you did explain yourself well and it helped me out a great deal. Sure it might just last a few minutes but it helped... I understand what you are trying to say and it a way it does relate to my situation. Although when you are dealing with a ex, its totally different. However there are many similarities. It just seems so strange to me that a person who once declared there love for you can he so heartless and use someone for their own self gratification. I will never know what my ex's intentions were with me but she definately gave me the impression that she wanted more than what she gave. I have a hard time when people say that maybe there was no spark for her. Sure this can definately be the case but our relationship died because of the LDR. Beleive me Reader, I honesty beleive that there was still a lot of love on both ends. When I did see her after all that time, we fell into sync like the old days. Although there was no intimacy the first two nights, we were having such an amazing time. I felt for sure that there were sparks between us. Then it was like BAM, a complete 180. Once i started to show any emotion about the whole thing, she only walked away farther. Maybe that was a mistake, I will never know.

 

Deep down i know that I couldnt go on much longer talking to her like I did and deep down i know that i could not do a LDR again. If we are ever meant to be then we will have to be in the same city. Only fate will tell ofcourse and I have to put out that flame of hope. You know? It just sucks now because since i have been back she called me once. Oh yeah, that was a pleasant conversation. Thats were she told me that al our talking was stupid and pointless. Thats were she said "just move on, find a good girl, dont let me hold you back". It was all in such a bitter tone too, Reader. It just doesnt sound genuine. Never once when we talked in the last two months did she tell me, "oh you need to find yourself a good girl" It was always "Oh Matt (my friend) he needs to find himself a girlfriend. Its jsut doesnt add up, you know?

 

Anyways thanks again for your reply. I know that I cannot feel bad for myself. I have so much going for me in my life right now and i have absolutely no problems about meeting girls.. If you hear somone say "that guy has the world in his fingertips" thats me. Im not trying to boost my ego, buts its true. I just have to stop feling sorry for myself. I was watching the movie "over the top" last night and one line really caught my eye. "The world does not meet anyone half way" How true is that? Im just need to accept that this girl has issues and maybe a little confused and move on. I wasted a whole year almost pinning over this one and I will NOT do it again. I sit back and wonder if she has feelings for me or if not talking to me is hard for her too right now. I wish i could see in her head and know what her mind is thinking.

[reader]

I have no doubt that she has feelings for you and there were sparks between you. Trust your instincts on that.

 

I think some people have in their heads what they think the person in their lives should be - and if you don't "match" that description, then they can't handle it.

 

I really don't think you want someone who does not care for you the way you are. Think of all the things that you will go through in life. Do you really want someone who second guesses her decision to be with you every time you turn around?

 

I know it seems like you wasted time with this - but if you have learned what you don't want - it was not time wasted.

 

She needs to come to you - and you better be ready to say what you have to say - that is if you want to run the risk of getting your heart stepped on again. I would not settle for anything less than mature responses to your questions and most importantly - actions. Actions speak louder than words, and you have a right to expect that.

 

Or, you could NC, although it's always worked better for me to decide what I want, get off my chest what I need to, and then leave it up to the other person, and if they don't step up to the plate, then NC.

 

Good luck, I'll be watching out for your posts.

[kodiak]

Reader-

 

Thank you for your reply. I am having such a tough time with all of this going on. Its weird because although i never got romantically involved with her again, I feel the complete heartache again. My mind thinks of her 24/7 and its killing me inside. I wish that i would have never have gotten involved in the first place. I would sell my soul to the devil if I can take back those last two months, i mean it. I have cried, i have gotten angry, then cried some more. Reader I was doing so well in my life before she had to come back into it. You said in one of your first replies to me that once she saw me in person she realized that this was not what she wanted. I just cant figure why she did this. Everyone is telling me that i dont need to know or that it doesnt matter, but i just cant deal with that. She ignores me now like nothing ever happened. This was the girl that was sending me sexy pics of her, pics of us, pics of her family, gifts in the mail. This was the girl that would tell me "that maybe we are suppose to be together down the road". One day she called me and told me that her horoscope said that she was suppose to get back together with an ex lover. I mean how could she tell me this and not epect me to have any expectations. Reader, i need to know. She did such a complete 180 after the first couple days there.

 

This was not like we just broke up and she conatcted me 4 months later. This was a whole year and a half later. Its killing me. I miss talking to her and having her call me just to say hi. She came on so strong, i mean where at first I was caught off-guard. It almost was too good to be true. I sent her a text on T-Day wishing her and her family a happy thanksgiving, no reply. I mean she is treating me so poorly now. Its been two weeks since i saw her and just one phone call. Is that too long or could she be possibly thinking about things? What should I do, im dying here.

[kodiak]

Reader-

 

 

Sorry a coupe other things. I mean how could I tell her how im feeling and ask her these questions when she wants nothing to do for me. I mean I dont want to do NC but thats what she is doing, without saying it. When we last talked she said all that crap and got really defensive. At first she said that we shouldnt talk at all. Then after we talked for a little she said this is how im feeling right now and maybe it will change later on. That was a week and a half ago so I guess this is not going to change. I have never heard of ex's doing what she did to me. I have heard of being led on but not to the extreme of ahving me come aall the way out too see her, 12 hours away. Do you think that she might just be confused into what she wants or do you feel that its a hopeless situation. I love this girl so much. Its like over the phone it was amazing. Then when i actually got on a plane to see her she it all changed. It was like she goes what a minute this would be a LDR, i cannot do that. PULL AWAY, PULL AWAY.

[kodiak]

Hey Everybody-

 

Im sure most of you know my story and what happened with what i thought was a second chance with the girl i loved for the last three years of my life. We were broken up for a year and a half though. I know, kinda pathetic. Anyways if you dont you can read it in the beginning of this post. Im a work right now and im dying. Im trying to hold back the tears and I know that I cant show them. I work with a bunch of guys. Anyhow this was the time that my ex would call me daily for the last two months. I dont know what to do, im hurting so bad.

 

My question is this. Has anyone gone through a situation like mine. I mean where your ex of a year and a half pops into your life and basically tells you all the stuff that would make anyone in their right mind think that a second chance might be possible. If you have, what did you do? How did you deal with the anger and sadness. It feels different then when we broke up but it still sucks huge. I cant undertstand why she did what she did to me. I just cant. I have no closure with her except what she told me on the phone. I need help my friends. Thank you