sick of it Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 im 22 years old. my ex and i went on a break at the beginning of the summer. we had been together for 5 1/2 years without a break. she led me on and i was hopeful of getting back together for months. i moved home from school for her and i have nobody but her in the area. she started seeing another guy and has completely new friends. she does things she never did before. things she never wanted to with me. things she always said she never wanted to do. this all ended without her talking to me about anything. she just kept getting mad at me and blaming me for everything that ever happened. she blamed me for the end of the relationship which seemed to come out of nowhere. she told me i was blind to all of the problems. shes been with this guy who she told me 3 months ago she didnt want feelings for, she didnt want to get into a relationship with, she didnt want to pursue, she didnt want to move too quickly. shes sleeping with him, shes gone traveling with him already. im still madly in love with this girl. its been months and i havent been able to think about anything else. i have so many unresolved issues with her and i just want queestions answered. shes never been cold hearted or a bitch or a liar and now shes being all of that to me only. i dont know what i did to her to deserve this. ive always thought id been a great BF, so did everyone around us. they were as surprised as i was. so now im left alone, wondering, asking questions and knowing the things shes now doing. she wants to be friends (i hate those words) and will act compassionate. but thats how she was with me and shes now completely different with her new friends. i want to be so mad at her, and i am for the way i was treated, but i still want her back. i havent seen her in 2 months, and have only talked to her a few times. but i keep seeing her in my head and i find out what shes doing through friends, and the internet. i dont know which personality is real. and i dont know how to get over my feelins. ive lost 60 lbs. i hate eating. i dontlaugh anymore im so depressed and ive been like this for a while. i just want it to end. anyone?
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 You have no choice but to move on...If you need to, talk to your doctor about how you've been feeling, maybe they could suggest some therapy to help you cope better and also some need to go on antidepressants...Not saying you need that, but the weightloss isn't a good thing. I suggest that you try your best to get out of your house - Join a gym or play a sport that you love. Any kind of physical movement, exercises, yoga, something to get your mind away from the pain. Hang out with friends, try your best to distract yourself...as soon as she pops into your head, DENY the thoughts. The more you do this, the less you will care about her. Don't ask your friends about her and tell them NOT to tell you anything...That is going to make it all worse for you. GO have fun! Shoot pool, see movies! Rent stupid and funny videos. Eventually all your efforts will pay off. Time does heal all wounds, as cliche as that sounds, it's true. Hang in there and keep venting...The more you let out the better you feel and the more you'll heal emotionally.
RescueDiver Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Definitely hang in there, this pain isn't going to go away overnight. When my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me it took me... probably 8 months to get over her and be ready to start dating again. I also lost... almost 40 lbs during that time too. Just think, if you can couple your weight loss with an exercise program... you're going to be one lean and mean mo-fo. I don't know if I agree with denying the thoughts you are having about her. You have to deal with them or they will keep resurfacing. But you can't dwell on them all day either. If you have a good support system with friends and family look to them. I am going through this myself right now so I know how you feel... it sucks and you think you're never going to be happy again. What has helped me in the past is talking to my friends about it. I am fortunate to have a group of three female friends (two are ex-girlfriends) that are patient enough to listen to me vent this sort of thing. If you don't as whichway said you may want to go for some counciling. One of the other things I have done is kept a journal or, even written e-mails to my ex's but not sent them. This forum too, is serving as a much needed outlet right now because pretty much all of my friends are occupied for the holidays. Remember you're still young and have plenty of time to find the right gal.
Author sick of it Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Thank you for the support. ive been being healthy about this. i have been execising and everyone i know says i look amazing. but it doesnt matter to me because im trying to look amazing for her. i think about it everyday and i guess i am dwelling because all of the blame was put on me. i do vent to my family. i vent everyday and have something to say everyday. my problem is that its been 6 months of this and i know people get sick of it. im afraid to keep talking. i feel ashamed that my life is on hold and shes "happy." like i said, i moved home to be with her so all of my friends are 100 miles away. my support group is somewhere else. ive tried making appointments with counselors but i have to wait for months until a space opens up. my first appt. is in january. im realistic and know that ill love again. i know im young and theres plenty of time/ fish in the sea. but its what im feeling right now that im concerned with. she was my first love. my first everything. my best friend. we relied on each for so much for the past 4 years so shes my entire world. i feel like a cry baby because the botom line i guess is that im not getting what i want (though its much more than that). i keep waiting for her to come back. i keep thinking this is a phase. my mind is playing tricks on me like shes on a trip right now, thats why i havent seen her. and then i remember shes with someone else and i shut down. like my head cant face it. any decision i have to make is in regards to her. going out, looking at another girl, working out. every decision i ask myself, will this get her back? will this help the situation? is this normal? am i really going nuts?
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Those * fights * she caused with you were just a pre-empt to the fact that she wanted to end it and messed with your mind . She wanted a way out. New friends. New guy. New life. Its going to take some major work and you must feel your pain because until you cry it out and it can take weeks it will keep coming back. Address your pain. Then later when you think about her as your mind does like 10,000 times a day say : " Stop ! " as many times as you need to . Replace all good thoughts with all the negative crap she put you through in the end. Keep busy. You have some work ahead of you..
Author sick of it Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 i feel the pain. i feel it every minute. i used be a fun charismatic guy that everyone wanted to be around. im completely different now. i know i have the power to change it, at least thats what everyone tells me, but i cant seem to. thinking of her is what makes me happy...and depressed. she said so many mean things that made me regret so much. things that made me change my outlook and fix everything on my end, i was just never given the chance to show her. i try to think of the horrible things she did to me (which is hard to recognize because they only took place since the break up). the problem is that i dont believe that this is really her. neither does her best friend (who shes also ditched like me). but the negative stuff just hurts me and doesnt make me hate her or not want her. i keep going in circles
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 You are in Mourning. You have suffered a great Loss. You must accept that this happened. Let the pain come in. Let it take its course and eventually ( I promise ) after thinking about her every 3 seconds , that turns into 3 hours, which turns into 3 days. Thats the hardest but the best achieved one is where you dont think of them for days and when and if you do, you push the thoughts out quickly ! Move Move ...forward. You have a goal What is your goal ? : To feel NOTHING when you think about her.....nothing at all. You control your mind. You will tell it she does not exist anymore. Your mind takes in what you tell it,. For Gods sake don't contact her during this time. You will see that later its like a giant elephant has lifted off your chest and you can laugh again ! Really ! Unfortunately, it takes lots of time for that to happen.
Author sick of it Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Mary3, thank you for all of your advice. is it unreasonable for my goal to be able to be friends? because i keep getting grief that we were so close and that i cant handle being friends. i cant handle that she has another guy in her life. shes right, i cant handle it. but when i didnt call her on her birthday last week, she was pissed that i would do something like that. i didnt call her because my birthday wishes meant more than what she wanted, more than what they should, and i wasnt ready to celebrate her birthday when i wasnt allowed to be there with her. i needed to heal. i understand that when i talk to her i feel bad, she makes me feel bad, shes probably still angry with me about whatever it is shes convinced herself that i did to her to cover the guilt. i understand that means i shouldnt talk to her. as for all the unanswered questions i have regarding why this all happened...do i have to just accept it and let it go? maybe in time we can meet up, because she does mean a lot to me, and im sure i mean a lot to her. (this is my first relationship,love, and breakup btw...can you tell?)
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 You absolutely CAN NOT remain her friend ! You will get hurt on this trust me. The reason : You have feelings for her and those feelings have one ONE way to diminish and thats NO CONTACT. You wonder why I am asking you to end ALL contact and thats because as LONG as you feel something for her you will get hurt. No contact allows you to clear your head , your mind and your heart from listening to her . You dont call her. Text her. Ask about her. Email her. Stop by and visit her. NO MATTER HOW BADLY you want to. The reason : This needs to end. If you dont follow the advice you are going to be back here looking pathetic and even more in pain. How ould you like to feel WORSE than you do today ? Go ahead and keep talking to her and you will see what I mean. You dont want to bargain with her or make promises and you should NOT Feel guilty that you did not call her on her B Day. It goes something like this " Listen Mellissa ( Insert name ) I have decided that I will not be contacting you any further. Please do not make any form of contact with me. I need to heal now and the best way is to not talk to you. " No matter what she DOES you need to enforce NO CONTACT. DO not get a weak moment ( you will ) and call her. The more no contact the faster you can heal and find someone who WANTS to be with you NO contact is for YOUR dignity. So YOU are back in control. It is NOT to get her back ! It is to heal and move on. Please start today , at this moment and keep with us !
Neptune Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Congratulations on losing 60 pounds. There is a saying about the best revenge is to live life well or something like that. Anyway, it is good to be getting ready for the next gal in your life. 22 to 23 years old seems to signal a change in a lot of gals life. More often than not it is the gal that makes the break in these long term young relationships. Women evolve faster than men from 18 to 22. Guys are usually living a little more in the present moment with a fairly short view of life.
user12 Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 What she said about no contact, it is absolutely SO TRUE!!! i've been broken up with my boyfriend for a month now and he has it in his head that we should remain friends and continue talking, which is easy for him becasue he has completely moved on. And as difficult as it is not to call, not to text, not to instant message, it's for the best. I gave in many times over the past month and it left me feeling lower and lower everytime because i knew i couldn't control myself. Every bit of contact seems to give a false hope of something that won't ever be again, and once that high of talking to the person ends, you're left with less than what you had before and you're forced to start over from scratch every time.
Author sick of it Posted November 27, 2005 Author Posted November 27, 2005 I know i should do the no contact thing. I know i should. and i gernerally stay true to it. i have so many questions to ask. why she did what she did. why she messed with my head. questions that dont go away. lies that she kept feeding me for no reason. what i did to deserve any of this. do i ask now and try to start NC all over but with some answers? or do i keep the NC and keep wondering, keep dwelling, keep going over the same situations in my head?
Mary3 Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 You can ask " Why ? " over and over but the point is : She did what she did and she had her reasons and you can ask why until you are blue in the face but it won't give you closure. Just accept that she did this, that hopefully you learned from it and try to move on. You will notice that over a period of time that NC does indeed work. Its for you to clear your mind and think about other possibilities that exist out there in the world. Instead of hearing her voice and feeling confused and wishful thinking that she will * wake up * you get a sense of peace . You stop thinking about her so much and start focusing on YOU and how good a person you are and how someone else out there someday will care about you.
acsan Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 sick of it, I am going through almost the EXACT same thing you are. was with a girl for 4.5 years and she dumped me, and has completely changed into a big drinker and partier. it hurts man, its been 3 months for me and I still feel like **** most of the time. I have used the NC rule though and trust me man, as much as it hurts to break off all contact you NEED to do it. every time you make contact with her you are just holding onto a piece of something that you really need to seperate yourself from. I am not expert man, I am still grieving over my loss but just to be 100% completely honest with you the NC rule will help you through this. It will hurt like hell, but it really is a must for you to move on.
Author sick of it Posted November 28, 2005 Author Posted November 28, 2005 acsan, thank you. im sorry youre going through this too. this truly is the worst pain a human can feel. i almost think that a death of a loved one is slightly easier because when they die, its a forced NC. theres also this unknown as to where they are and what their doing. theres this comfort maybe of knowing where they are and could be looking down on you with a smile. with a break up, at least in my case, there have been so many lies and mean things said to me that i know arent true and were just said to make her feel better, that there isnt an unknown. someone that was close to you is gone and they tell you that they didnt appreciate anything you ever did. you know where they are and you cant go to them. theyre dead to you, but so extremely alive with someone else. im trying the NC thing. im doing it. i haveto let her know somehow not to come to a concert of mine this weekend. i asked her to come months ago when i was still crying everyday. i got her tickets last week, but i dont know how good of an idea it is. i havent seen her in 2 months and im afraid the sight of her will set me off. though i would love to see her, and id love her to see how i look now, i think it may be a bad idea. shes going to be pissed, and she wont understand why im doing it and of course that will make me feel horrible for aday or 2, but as long as i have some support from people that know her i may be ok.
ms_jnj Posted November 28, 2005 Posted November 28, 2005 i feel the pain. i feel it every minute. i used be a fun charismatic guy that everyone wanted to be around. im completely different now. i know i have the power to change it, at least thats what everyone tells me, but i cant seem to. thinking of her is what makes me happy...and depressed. she said so many mean things that made me regret so much. things that made me change my outlook and fix everything on my end, i was just never given the chance to show her. i try to think of the horrible things she did to me (which is hard to recognize because they only took place since the break up). the problem is that i dont believe that this is really her. neither does her best friend (who shes also ditched like me). but the negative stuff just hurts me and doesnt make me hate her or not want her. i keep going in circles Listen--- I've gone through what you say above almost down to each individual detail, except that I am female and my ex is a guy. I was with him for 5 years, first love etc. I used to be fun and happy and care-free and after the break up happened I became cynical and depressed and....had no energy. It's been 8 months and I am just starting to be myself again. But the fact is that, after such a break up you'll never be exactly who you were before. Not to say that you won't be happy, just don't expect to be exactly where you were before. But with time, you will start to come out of the awful hole you are in now. I know right now you have despaired at ever being "normal" again, but it will happen & you'll be ok...trust me I know. My ex also got a new life, new friends etc. He also ditched his best friend. Now he does things that he would have never done in the past, things that he was very firmly against. Fact is, he isn't the same man that I dated...he is a completely different, gross man, if I met him now, having had no past with him I would never even consider dating him. He's dived head first into alcohol and drug abuse (not just casual use here) and frequents those sleezy clubs where the bathroom wall has a hole in it so dudes can...well you know. He's quit his academic career and is working full time scooping ice cream at an ice cream stand. This guy used to be a nice, polite, fun, stable, family-oriented guy. The kind that shows up on your door with flowers as a surprise. The kind that after you've been up all night studying, and only have an hour to sleep, sneaks out to buy your favorite coffee, turns off your alarm and wakes you with a kiss, coffee in hand. I was so shocked that he could change so much --- the niceness was an act and I bought it for 5 years. When we broke up he was incredibly cruel. He ended up cheating on me with another guy. Yes I know: whoa. Told me things that I have told no one to this day. I was devestated to an extreme --that the man I loved and trusted, my very best friend in the whole world had cheated on me and the very fact that he could think of such awful things to say to me! He even refused to give me my pet fish back and then starved it to death out of spite...why? Because after the break up, he called me, drunk and wandering around downtown (Seattle) very disoriented and I called his father to come pick him up. Apparently his father was angry to find his son wandering downtown, barefoot and drunk at 4 AM. Gee, you think? Anyway this got long. But my point is that you are not alone. I've been where you are and it was the hardest struggle of my life to lift myself out of the hole of feeling worthless and destroyed. And in reality, I am just clinging to the edge right now. But I am ok. Every day I think of him less every night I dream of him less. My advice? Do something. Almost anything. I worked two part time jobs and then started a graudate program. Obviously not everyone can do this, but being so busy, I literally didn't have time to dwell. I tried new things and took up new hobbies. My mind became accustomed to not thinking of him as much. And the thing that helped the most? I cut him out of my life. No emails, phone calls, letters, not asking his friends what he was up to or who the latest dude of the week was....it was very hard to do this, and it took a few months of trying, but when I did...things became so much easier very quickly. For me it's been 8 months, and I have a date next tuesday. I'm ok, I'm working through my **** and I know that I will make it through...and I will be so strong because of it. You will too. You'll be ok. I've been there and I know it. Have faith and muster up all the courage you have and just know that....it's all about time. Time the great theif and the great healer. Time solves all.
Mary3 Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 Great Post ms_jnj ! I can relate to your pain and the previous poster. Time does heal ...the goal is to feel nothing about that particular person. Very hard to do but when you accomplish this , its a great lifter of burden.
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