He loves me but needs space to figure out if he can be with someone who has kids

[temptris33]

My b/f and I have been together for over two years. He is 27 and I am 37. I have three kids and he doesn't have any. We do not live together although he is at my house alot during the week. My kids leave on the w/ends. He has never made a huge effort to bond with my kids that I have seen. The other night he lost his temper with my son and reacted VERY IMMATURALY by kicking my door. He told my son "why dont you F**** grow up"! He has never reacted to my kids before. He said he was just sick of seeing them walk all over me and kind of lost it. He left that night and didn't stay over. I talked to him late that night. I called him. I told him that maybe he should think about if he wants to be in a relationship with someone who has kids and that maybe love isn't enough. The next night we met up and he cryed his eyes out as did I. He told me that he loved me so much but didn't know if there could be long term cuz he felt that he didn't click with my kids..he didn't know and needed space to figure this out but still needed me to be in his life. The next night he called me and said that he loves me sooo much and that he and I are okay and he just "doesn't know" ...???? I spoke with him yesterday morning..I was crying...he said that he and I are okay and he wants to be with me but doesn't know. He ended it with I love you...I'm confused. I don't want to bug him. I want him to take his "space" whatever the hell that means in this situation. HELP! I don't know if we are "together" or we are split up. SHould I move on or wait it out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

When someone asks for space, the less you give them - the more you will cause them to withdraw from you and demand more space. Treat it like the breakup that it is. Tell him that you love him, but that you have to move on for yourself and for your kids. No one deserves having to be forced to sit a fence waiting on someone else. Let him know that you are moving on, and that until he is more sure about what he wants out of life it would be best if he not contact you. If he wants to be with you and your kids, he will come after you.

[mental_traveller]

Well - I would wait, but not forever. Depends how much you feel for him really. Give him enough time to think it over, but if he keeps sitting on the fence or giving mixed messages, then it's probably time to call it off. I'd say 1-3 months ought to be enough time for him to make up his mind.

[RecordProducer]

I loved my ex-husband very much, but I never loved his daughter. She is the kind of child that no one can love. He knew that. But it hurt him. Nonetheless, I was pretending to love her, but he figured it was fake. I was also jealous of her.

 

I was only 23 y.o. when I married him and he was 35. We got two sons together, but my feelings for his daughter never changed. We basically divorced because of her. In my opinion, a 10 years younger man that shows no patience and respect to children can't be with a woman who has 3 children. Sorry, but you will see that it won't work out. You better find an older man who loves children.

[temptris33]

Yeah. The mixed messages are killing me. This site is really starting to help me deal with things. He calls me each night though and tells me that "WE are okay" and always tells me he loves me (first) before we hang up. He makes a point to say that...but the famous line still remains..."but I don't know". My kids are good kids. He just feels like a jerk for how he reacted. He told me that. He said that he just can't face them and needs time but still loves me more than life and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He hasn't even called me yet to tell me Happy Thanksgiving...and he loves me so much...ha! I have been sick for three days...it's so hard to not call him ....this site is really keeping me occupied for the time being:D please give more feed back if you can.

[Outcast]

reacted VERY IMMATURALY by kicking my door. He told my son "why dont you F**** grow up"!

 

To me, this is a big red flag. Any adult foolish enough to say something like 'why don't you grow up' to a KID (DUH!!!) is not one you want around your kids.

[temptris33]

Very true. He just doesn't know how to be around kids...still not an excuse. he just called me. He told me he still doesn't want to come down to my house cuz the kids and what they would think about him. He told me he loved me again and wants to be with me...it just scared him how he reacted towards my son...I told him (words from a previous reply) that "no one deserves to sit on a fence waiting on someone else". I told him that I was going to move on and when he decided what he wanted out of life to give me a call..not until then. Was that the right thing to say? He said he didn't think it was that serious.....well, he hasn't even mentioned seeing me in the next few days. I told him that I was dropping my kids off with their dad tomorrow night and I'm going out with my friends and moving on. He got a little pissy about that...he said with sarcasm " I was waiting for you to tell me that" ...he didn't like that idea. It killed me to tell him not to call me til he figures it out and that I was movin on...but I'm sick of waiting around and being physically sick over him..wondering and being confused if we are together or not...

[RecordProducer]

Temptris, this is not about what HE wants but what's best for everyone. If he is not good around kids then you will ALL be unhappy, I guarantee you that!!!! You want your children to live with a man who can't stand their guts and yells at them?

 

He can promise you whatever he wants and love you endlessly, but with time things will only get worse. Your kids, no matter how good they are, will piss him off, you will be hurt, and they will be traumatized. I've had a step-father, have been a step-mother, and have two children of my own. I know what I am talking about.

 

Only people who love and take care of your kids can educate them and act like parents. He doesn't show them affection, but allows himself to yel at them. Just because he loves you doesn't mean he loves your children. If he marries you, he is also marrying your kids as he has to live with them. And more than that, he has to raise them and love them.

 

Think about your kids and what's best for them please. Besides the sexual abuse is usually committed by step-fathers who hate the children, not from those who sincerely love them. Be careful!

[whichwayisup]

If you want him in your life and you love him enough, then give him the space he needs. But, you also have to be sure you want him to be a father figure to your kids. He can't be swearing at them and losing his cool like that. Kids are kids, and there are times they WILL drive him crazy, but he has to learn to cool off and not react like he did before. Suggest to him if he needs to talk to a professional about this, he should...It could help him gain some insight and help him make a choice.

[CoolAunt]

He has never made a huge effort to bond with my kids that I have seen. The other night he lost his temper with my son and reacted VERY IMMATURALY by kicking my door. He told my son "why dont you F**** grow up"!

Your kids should be your number one priority, more important to you than your love life and romantic fulfillment.

 

 

He told me that he loved me so much but didn't know if there could be long term cuz he felt that he didn't click with my kids..he didn't know and needed space to figure this out but still needed me to be in his life. The next night he called me and said that he loves me sooo much and that he and I are okay and he just "doesn't know" ...???? I spoke with him yesterday morning..I was crying...he said that he and I are okay and he wants to be with me but doesn't know.

This obviously hurts him a great deal but he sees that his attitude towards kids and the fact that you're a mother equal a deal breaker. He hasn't bonded with them yet in two years, which indicates that he doesn't want to have a relationship with them. He's smart enough to see that he can't have a relationship with you as if your kids aren't in the picture. The kids aren't negotiable and he knows that.

 

Let the guy go and make sure your next bf likes kids, especially your kids.

[temptris33]

You are all so right. We ended up seeing eachother last night and it was kind of weird...he didn't come down ...he wanted me up there....no kissing or anything like that (he was trying for more towards the end) so, I guess I should just let him know that it's best that we just stay close friends and no more relationship together. Thank you for all of your support. I've been feeling a lot better reading these. At first, I was so lost. I didn't know what to do...thank you.

[temptris33]

I just left him a msg (can't get a hold of him-bad area) and told him that we need to get together tonight and figure this whole thing out. I told him that I would put my friends on hold til later tonight so that he and I could figure out what we are going to do. I don't want to wait anymore and I know that I should give him time...but he doesn't want time away from me...he's just to embaressed (? spell ) to come down to my house. Anyways, wish me luck because this is going to be very difficult but hopefully right.

[lottie]

It sounds like your boyfriend knows that he can't be a good stepfather to your children, and he's trying like hell to do the right thing by getting out of your life. You know, you're actually very lucky that he would understand this about himself -- that he's not ready to treat your kids like they deserve to be treated, and he has the potential to harm them, as he realized when he reacted to violently.

 

It's really, really sad, but sometimes it's just true: love isn't enough.

[temptris33]

Your right. So true. It's just so freakn hard when you love someone so much and have been with them for so long...and so attracted to him...got to let all that go. Tried to talk with him about it last night but he didn't want to. He just wanted me to lay next to him. I even asked him if we could just be friends..he got defensive and said "why are you baiting me towards that way"? "I love you and we are together". So, tonight I'm going to kind of use what you mentioned above...at least staying friends he would always be in my life someway. Thanks....think of me tonight cuz it'll be tough

[RecordProducer]

It sounds like your boyfriend knows that he can't be a good stepfather to your children, and he's trying like hell to do the right thing by getting out of your life. You know, you're actually very lucky that he would understand this about himself -- that he's not ready to treat your kids like they deserve to be treated, and he has the potential to harm them, as he realized when he reacted to violently.

 

It's really, really sad, but sometimes it's just true: love isn't enough.

I absolutely agree! I thought I could be a good step-mom but I couldn't love my ex's daughter. I think I would have loved her if she were different, but the point is that I fooled myself (and him). So this time I told myself "If I ever marry again, I'll marry a guy with no kids!" people told me "But you have kids yourself!!!" I said: "I know, but I will marry someone who appreciates my kids... and if I find a guy whose children I can love, I will marry him, but if I sense any negative feelings I will run for the hills because I know what it leads to."

 

Find a guy who will be your kids' friend in a genuine way. There are people who like kids and people who don't. Your BF is just not a kid person.