Is there any chance for a reconciliation after all this

[renaissancewoman101]

My ex and I were together for two years. He broke up with me in the beginning of Sept citing that we were incompatible, we were too different and because of the way I treated him towards the end of our relationship. Within two weeks of breaking up with me, he went and found a new gf. Last year, he took a break from me around the same month/time as when he broke up with me this year. That time he couldnt handle my clinginess and his loss of feelings for me. That time our break was only for a week and all he wanted to do was go hang with his friends, which he did. But he missed me and my kindness and love for him, so he came back crying and vowing to give it another try to get the feelings back. Things were great for a few months. We both gave it a strong try and feelings were great. THen in Feb. I took him on a romantic getaway and one night at dinner, I looked at him across the dinner table and I started to not want to be around him. I looked at him and started wondering why I wanted him, that I didnt like him anymore, and that he annoyed the hell out of me. I started feeling trapped with him and wanted out. I had never felt like this before for anybody. I was scared and confused by those feelings. I didnt tell him how I was feeling, but I began to pull away from him by cutting the time I spent with him and sending him over to his buddies on the weekends, when before I wanted always to spend time with him and would hate it when he wanted to go hang with his buddies. Now I pushed him to hang with his buddies.

 

That went on for about a few months. I did not understand why I lost my feelings for him. I just did and spending time with him became a chore and a pain. Unfortuanetly, I didnt hide how I was feeling from him. Funny thing was, when I started to push him away, he started to chase me hard and want to spend MORE time with me, get me to open up, etc., but I couldnt deal so I closed up and spent more time with my friends, esp my best friend (who is an old ex of mines but who is gay)

 

Finally, I got my act together and decided that maybe I wanted to work things out with the bf, but by that time it was Ren Faire season, and he had found someone else and decided to end it with me.

 

WIth the breakup, I was ok with it at first and I left him alone w/o contact for a couple of weeks. After a few weeks, I realized that I missed him a lot and wanted to hang with him, so I called him up. We hung out one Sat evening and in the process of getting drunk, I picked a real nasty fight with him with me screaming at him all night long to the point that I am surprised no one called the cops on us. I was angry at him for dumping me,

 

He never told me that he found a new gf. I found that out through a mutual friend of ours. He doesnt want to get back together with me again. He says we are too different that I like different things, etc. Yes, we are on different planes of thinking. He is like an eternal child, he loves to play computer games, play Magic, hang out with his freinds to drink and smoke, collect Star Wars action figures, hang out at Ren Faires, collect stuffed animals (he has over 50 on his bed), and he lives at home with parents that constantly treat him like he is 6 and unable to make decisions on his own. He likes being like a kid and he couldnt handle my lifestyle. I have a career, somewaht, I like to travel, go out to eat, and basically do yuppie things.

 

I have tried numerous ways to get back with him, talk to him, etc. He is adamant about not getting back with me. He has also found a new gf which hurts a lot. I have made friends with one of his close female friends which helps but the prospects of him getting back with me are slim.

 

That brings me to this point. This past Sat, I was invited to a con by our mutual friend. I knew my ex was going to be there and our mutual friend told him that I was coming on Sat and she asked him if he had any objections to it. He told her that he had no objections just as long as I didnt try to confront him, follow him around, or pick a fight with his gf. The mutual friend told him I wasnt out to do that. I went to the con and had a great time hanging out with my friend and I even met some guys. One guy was very attracted to me and made out with me most of the night. My friend found that funny. Around midnight, I got up to go to use the restroom and the minute I left, my ex showed up and picked a fight with our mutual friend. My ex was very drunk. He was mad that I was there and that I was having a good time. He was mad that I even came because as he says, I am not into stuff that he likes, then why I show up to this con. He was throwing a tantrum and making a scene. He only left when he saw me coming back from the bathroom. My friend told me what happeneed and I offered to leave. But she told me to stay and enjoy myself. I continued making out with the guy but my ex had gone to the other side of the room and was telling other people that he was mad I was there. Basically, he was throwing a fit and a tantrum that I was there. OUr mutual friend thinks he was doing that because he was drunk and because he was jealous of me making out with a guy. If that is the case, why would he be so mad??? He is the one claiming he has no feelings for me. He dumped me and then in a matter of two weeks, he went and found himself a new gf.

 

I do want him back, but I also want to find a new relationship and move on, hoping that maybe if he sees that I have moved on and found a new guy, he may come bouncing back.

 

I am also very alone right now. It is Thanksgiving and I am by myself. The person I made plans with, something came up at the last minute and plans fell through, so I get to spend Thanksgiving alone with my four guinea pigs.

 

I feel so pathetic

[omegaRED]

Hmmm...

 

Why do you want a second chance? I mean, i understand you love him, but seeing the way he acts and lives, i see no future for you two (unfortunately). I mean even if you get back together, i doubt you`ll have a healthy long term relationship if he acts like you say he does, and doesn`t grow up and mature.

 

If you two are incompatible, like you said, you should be looking for someone that shares your views and is on the same "level of thinking", as you put it. It may be that you want him back now that he is unavailable, you want what you don`t (or can`t have). Take your time and consider why you got out of the relationship, and what aspect of this relationship you want back. The way you put it, i suspect you want the closeness, and, basically, you want what you no longer have. I don`t believe you`ll be happy with him, even if you got him back.

 

So, just pick yourself up and move on. Find someone you`re compatible with. Avoid contact, and hope someting hits him on the head so that he has to wake up from his dream up and matures. For his own sake. But you cannot change him.

 

As to the way he acted. He may or may not have feelings for you, but it`s damn hard when you see your ex with someone else, making out. So yeah, regardless of whether he has some feelings, he`ll be bothered by it. Many people would be. And being drunk really doesn`t help.

[cynicalnlove]

Hmmm...

 

Why do you want a second chance? I mean, i understand you love him, but seeing the way he acts and lives, i see no future for you two (unfortunately). I mean even if you get back together, i doubt you`ll have a healthy long term relationship if he acts like you say he does, and doesn`t grow up and mature.

 

If you two are incompatible, like you said, you should be looking for someone that shares your views and is on the same "level of thinking", as you put it. It may be that you want him back now that he is unavailable, you want what you don`t (or can`t have). Take your time and consider why you got out of the relationship, and what aspect of this relationship you want back. The way you put it, i suspect you want the closeness, and, basically, you want what you no longer have. I don`t believe you`ll be happy with him, even if you got him back.

 

So, just pick yourself up and move on. Find someone you`re compatible with. Avoid contact, and hope someting hits him on the head so that he has to wake up from his dream up and matures. For his own sake. But you cannot change him.

 

As to the way he acted. He may or may not have feelings for you, but it`s damn hard when you see your ex with someone else, making out. So yeah, regardless of whether he has some feelings, he`ll be bothered by it. Many people would be. And being drunk really doesn`t help.

 

 

Happy thanksgiving. Yes, I agree that he is jealous. Not because he has feelings for you still, but because you will always be his property. Thats the story of the exes. Your story is so similiar to mine.. But in the end, you'll be ok. I think you just want someone close, its not him.

[renaissancewoman101]

The reason that I want him back is because I do miss him. Even though he is a very childish guy, he does have a very big heart. He treats his friends very well and he is good to them even when they step on him and take advantage of him. His friends use him a lot (sometimes he cant see it) because he has a job (he is a sales clerk) and he makes some money unlike a lot of his friends who dont work. Most of his friends like the simple things in life, hanging out, playing computer games, going to Ren Faires, drinking and smoking. He has spent most of his life being picked on by people, being picked on by bosses, being the underdog, that he has a very good sense of empathy. He tends to be a very feeling, understanding and loving person. He supports those who are the underdogs and he tends to have a very harsh outlook and view upon those who are successful (yuppies, etc.) He thinks people like that have things handed to them and will step on other people to get what they want. He goes through life with a chip on his shoulder. He thinks people dont think well of him and that is why he is mistreated in the workplace, in society, and at home. His way of dealing with that is by dressing up and acting in such a way that he does attract attention to himself, a lot of times, it is negative reactions. In the beginning, I was attracted to him because I felt bad for him and I wanted to make his life better (I tend to be a rescuer type of a person - he is a rescuer too, that is why the few gfs he has had in his past have been a lot younger than him and have been down and out where he has tried to make their lives better for them both financially and emotionally). He also doesnt drive AT ALL and never has wanted to go and get his driver's license. I have been there for him by trying to introduce him to a better way of life and paying for a lot of things for him. I have also tried to be there for him emotionally and understand why people mistreat him. He was there for me emotionally and he put me first as gf, which I liked a lot. But, he was always uncomfortable with the stuff that I liked to do, mainly because he never experienced it, and because it cost some money.

 

I will say that he always treated me well, like a queen, until the end. He was always there for me and supportive of me and included me in things like hanging out with his friends, hanging out with his parents, etc. And he was there for me emotionally and physically. He always made time for me and his parents liked me a lot and welcomed me into their home. It was something that I had always wanted for SOOO long. I dont date a lot and have had some bad dating experiences in my life. I was always looking for a bf who would treat me like a queen and spend a lot of time with me. He was the one. But I tossed it away because I couldnt deal with how he was, what he liked, etc. His drinking bothered me even though he was never a nasty drunk and never got belligerent or violent with me when he was drunk. It was just that he was always drinking (in the morning, in the evening, at night). His smoking bothered my asthma. I wish I could have dealt with how he was and who he was and just lived with it, because I let a really good guy go away from me because of MY stupidity. I also could not deal with the fact that he lived at home and how his parents treated him. That was hard for me to deal with.

 

Now he went and found a new gf that is WAY younger than him. From what I hear, she is about 20 and he is going to be 33 in Jan. Funny thing is his new gf kinda looks like me, except that she is taller and has long hair.

 

I really want him back. It has been almost three months since he dumped me and it has been HELL for me.

 

I am trying to move on, hence me making out with that guy at the con, but part of my heart still lies with him.

[omegaRED]

Wow... You know, as hard as it is for me to admit it, i`m very much like your ex (well, to a degree at least).

 

I`m just getting my drivers license, (i`m 27 BTW), i got stepped on by my bosses, sometimes used by people who knew me (not my friends though, i do carefully pick my friends from the bunch), empathic, rescuer, trying not to step on anyone`s toes and upset someone, etc., the works.

 

Uhhh... I`m afraid he`s deeper into the s*** than i am though, because i am changing. A change that was the result of my gf (who, curiously, seems to be very much like you, sans the cheating) leaving me for another guy (who`s probably nothing like me). That hit me like a ton of bricks, seeing that she chose someone i was, well, not ready, or afraid to be (the guy is some 8-9 years older than her, she`s 26 BTW, wealthier, more succesfull than me, more mature etc). Note not that i didn`t want to be like that, i was always making excuses to myself not to take that path, it`s not so much that i didn`t want to "grow up". I`m not sure if i would characterize her as shallow, but damn... You don`t leave the person you LOVE because someone more succesfull came along. I, too, treated her like a queen. I`d do anything for her.

 

Well... You know, i`ve realized that all those traits i considered to be "good" traits were not, actually... I was unhappy with MY LIFE. I just wasn`t ready to take charge and see that i could, in fact, change my behaviour and life and that i could be happy. This doesn`t mean i`ll become a jerk, this just means that only I can make myself happy.

 

Sorry for the rant, but your ex REALLY needs a hard blow to the head to realize his issues. I got mine, and as weird as it is to say it, in a way i`m thankful the way things came out. Unfortunately you cannot change him. In retrospect, i guess my gf tried to do the same while we were together, but that always came out in my eyes as pressure. I was starting to be unhappy with myself, i felt the need to compete with her, to see her as an adversary (regarding the carreer and overall success in life). And that`s VERY unhealthy.

 

I have no idea what you should do... Really, it`s out of your hands. I do feel sorry for him, because i don`t think he`ll be truly happy in life and get what he deserves and wants from life if something really drastic doesn`t happen to him so he has an "epiphany"...

 

I`m sorry RenneisanceWoman... I wish i had some positive advice for you. My last attempt would be to look up "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by R. Glover, that book described me to a T and is instrumental in my, well, let`s call it "recovery" from the Nice Guy Syndrome. Look it up, maybe you`ll find find it helpfull. I`d suggest you recommend this book to him (somehow), and see if he recognizes himself in it.

 

This relationship is IMHO not going to work... Unless he changes, but then when he does, maybe you won`t like him as you do now. Maybe he`ll look for something different in a person. My previous LTR i was the stronger, more succesfull, mature half. With my current ex, she was the one who led me and us. I liked it at first, in the beginning we were equal, but as time passed, she advanced with a much quicker pace than i did. I got left behind, if only temporarily and due to objective circumstances. Point being i didn`t want what i had in my previous relationship, i.e. my being the "leader" by an enormous margin, so i looked for someone who`d be stronger and capable of leading. Then I got left behind. So now i`m picking myself up and catching up life and advancing, what i should have done earlier, but was not able to do then, for whatever reasons. And i won`t allow myself to either fall back or be with someone who won`t be able to keep up the pace.

 

I know this post didn`t really focus on your question, but maybe it could be of some help to you and your ex.

 

Sorry for the length...

[renaissancewoman101]

omegaRED, the funny thing that you brought up about your gf leaving you for someone who was older, more successful, more wealthy, etc. than you, is it kind of parallels me too. When I was in my relationship with my ex, I also had a very close friend that I would spend time with. He was an old ex of mines that I had dated in college and was my first love. He turned out to be gay and we broke up and he consequently found a new bf. Well, my old ex wanted to stay friends with me, and I didnt mind that. My new bf knew about my friendship with the old ex, right upfront because I told him about it early on in our relationship. Now that the current ex has dumped me, I have become good friends with my first ex (the gay guy) and he has somewhat helped me through this whole ordeal. The gay guy is kind of like my current ex, but he got his life together, got an MBA and is now a successful financial analyst for the electric company out in Southern CA.

 

Yes, my current ex is unhappy with his life and with the fact that he is living at home, working at a job that is going nowhere, being picked on by his parents and his boss, being looked down upon by society, but he does nothing to change it, except drown himself in drinking and in doing his hobbies to an excess. He wants to be a child and stay a child. I tried to parent him and be there for him but he wanted me to be a child like him and that I could not do.

 

Like you, he always said he wanted to grow up, be successful, responsible, etc. but he never took the steps to go and do it. Instead, he stays in his own childlike world.

 

I didnt leave him although my actions could have contributed to why he broke up with me. In Feb. my feelings for him kinda vanished and I began feel annoyance towards him for his personality, lifestyle, etc. when before I had found all that stuff cute and funny and i wanted to rescue him. I swung from that point to the point of disliking everythign about him, thinking him childish, and constantly criticizing him. I started to avoid him, spend less time with him, and shove him off on his friends. I got to the point that when we did share a bed together, I would get up in the middle of the night and go sleep on the couch. My actions to him, scared me, but I did not know what to do. He chased me hard and wanted to understand why I was doing what I was doing and he wanted to work things out. I didnt know what to do, but I didnt want to dump him because I felt bad for him since he is basically a nice genuine guy and he has been dumped in the past by all his gfs. I am the first gf he has ever broken up with. So, I did the next best thing which was to avoid him and pull away from him. That led him eventually to dump me after Faire season when he met someone else (who looks like me except that she is taller and she has long hair).

 

I am not sure if he will ever have an "ephiphany" and grow up. His current gf is very young and, from what I hear, very immature. He seems comfortable with her. He is loyal to his gfs so I know he wont cheat on her. He has also begun to drink more since our breakup. That I do know from our mutual friend. My ex has always been a heavy drinker and I was bothered by that towards teh end, because I could understand why he would want to drink in the monrning when he got up, drink in the afternoon, and then drink at night. He would drink on the train coming up to see me. He got buzzed a lot and occasionally got drunk but he was always a complacent, funny, happy, mild drunk. After he broke up with me, I heard that he got drunk a few times and he was a raving, angry, belligerent drunk. Also, the night that he confronted our mutual friend at the con, he was drunk off his ass and he was belligerent and angry that I was there. He was throwing a drunken fit.

[omegaRED]

Eh... I don`t know what to say. I mean, i had my wake up call. I was like your ex to a degree, without the drinking, and less extreme outlook on life overall. But being with my ex when she started getting what she wanted, and i didn`t, put me down and amplified those issues i had. I have (had) a tendency to "rebel" against major changes in my life, be they concerning just me or my relationships, but when i did take steps, i followed my goals fiercely. Right now i`m working on convincing myself to seize every opportunity in life, and not just follow the safe® route.

 

He won`t be happy with his new gf. He`s just following a pattern. Soon, as weird as it sounds, even she, though much younger than he is, will outgrow him. And unless he acknowledges he has issues, he`ll just try to follow that pattern. The point is he is not happy, and i sincerely doubt he knows the reasons why that is (regarding his relationships). He refuses to acknowledge that he deserves what he wants, so he just settles for what he knows would work, even though it`s very short sighted. He`s afraid of taking risks and going for what he wants. I`m sure deep down he wants someone like you, but he can`t find the strength to be with someone like you (for life), because that would mean he`d have to change. And he`s afraid of change, he`s just doing what he knows how to do, the safe thing, taking the easier path (in the short term).

 

I am and was growing up, but circumstances slowed my pace down. And seeing how both my ex and i had the same interests (we both studied German language and literature at the university, we were both translating books as a part time, but really satisfying job, we had similar goals, carreer plans) when she got on track, and i still waited for my 5 minutes of fame (so to speak), i began feeling threatened by her success (i guess in the back of my mind i feared that she might do what she did, leave me for someone who is more successful), and she was not satisified that i wasn`t advancing, carreer wise, as fast as she was.

 

Really, i don`t want to make any excuses for her, nor does she deserve any, but the break up (and the way she did it, sheesh!!!, read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t73369/ if you want the whole story) got me focused on me. I don`t want her back, nor do i want someone else like her, who`ll leave me as soon as someone wealthier and more successfull comes along. But it gave me motivation to be successful FOR ME, not for my gf/wife/whatever.

 

Please, look up "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You really might be surprized by it`s contents. And if you do recognize similiraties between your ex and me, this book should help him immensely. It doesn`t hurt to try. Thought it`s up to him to read it and have the will to change...

 

Good luck... I wish you both strength!!!

[renaissancewoman101]

When you say he is following a pattern and that he wont be happy with his new gf and that she will outgrow him, I am not sure about that. With all his previous gfs before me and he had one long term one (that last 7 years and was his first one) and about three others which were short term that lasted a few months each, all the gfs left him and dumped him and moved on. I was his second long term gf and he was looking for something serious with me (such as marriage), that I knew. But, he dumped me. All the other girls, including the first one dumped him and left him devastated. One of the reasons why I felt somewhat safe with him is that I thought he could never dump me, because he has always been dumped and he knows what it is to be dumped and how it feels. As for him not being happy with his relationships, he has always taken the stance that with his relationships, he has been happy with them, but they dump him. He was happy with me but I didnt dump him and he dumped me instead.

[JosiePosie]

He won`t be happy with his new gf. He`s just following a pattern. Soon, as weird as it sounds, even she, though much younger than he is, will outgrow him. And unless he acknowledges he has issues, he`ll just try to follow that pattern. The point is he is not happy, and i sincerely doubt he knows the reasons why that is (regarding his relationships). He refuses to acknowledge that he deserves what he wants, so he just settles for what he knows would work, even though it`s very short sighted. He`s afraid of taking risks and going for what he wants. I`m sure deep down he wants someone like you, but he can`t find the strength to be with someone like you (for life), because that would mean he`d have to change. And he`s afraid of change, he`s just doing what he knows how to do, the safe thing, taking the easier path (in the short term).

 

That sounds eerily familiar. I have been told this about my ex by different people. I don't know if my ex is seeing someone, but he was cruising the dating profiles. At this point, I rather not know. However, I had one counsellor tell me that from what he has told me is that I am everything he wants, but he can't handle it. Strange eh?

[omegaRED]

Look... The truth is, i was extremely happy with my ex. Extremely. Or so i thought. I don`t know his approach to relationships, but i was happy when i was WITH her. Meaning the last months of our relationship only being with her made me really happy. So, in a way, i got my happiness from her. And now she`s gone. What i`m trying to say is that i could have been even happier with and without her, had i known the reasons for acting like i did. Those kinds of relationships are unfortunately doomed.

 

That`s why i say he won`t be happy with her. As happy as he could and should be. He may get some of his needs met, but not all, and it`ll never work in the long run.

 

I must say though, the way you acted forced him to break up with you. How do you expect him to stay with you if you avoid him, and he sees you dont love him and want to spend time with him? Everyone has a threshold, and he probably kept chasing you until it just became too much hassle. You, no doubt, gave him strength, he felt better and stronger when he was with you, so that`s why he could break up with you the first time. Twisted... But i guess you showed him he could be strong and could have anything he wants, so he just took you for granted. But soon the doubts crept in.

 

You know, it seems he has little confidence and low self esteem, and he feels better when he`s with someone who`s weaker, younger, inexperienced, so that he is the protector. It felt good to be protected by you (since you are stronger than he is), but i suspect he started to feel threatened by you, and that he isn`t good enough for you. That you too will leave him.

 

I don`t know... I mean, i stand by my first comment, that it cannot work in the long run. Unfortunately.

 

And BTW i didn`t really see the connection between my ex leaving me for an older more successful man and your relationship with you gay ex. Care to elaborate?

[renaissancewoman101]

The correlation between your ex leaving for an older, more successful man, and my gay friend (ex) is that I have a feeling that my current ex may have dumped me because he thought was I going to go back to my gay friend. Reason I say this is, thoroughout my relationship with my current ex, I was still close friends with my gay ex becuase he was able to give me the intellectual stimulation that my current bf/now ex could not. My gay ex was a stable part of my life that I could trust. I have trust issues meaning I have a hard time trusting people. Well my gay ex got a new job with the electric company out in CA in late August with a start date of late Sept. I told me now ex about it when we were still together and I think that might have sealed the deal when it came to him deciding to break up with me, because he thought I was going to leave him and go back to my first ex and move out to CA to be with the first ex, so he decided to preemptorily dump me first.

 

I have to admit, I did have strong feelings for my gay ex and my gay ex was dependent on me emotionally, esp when it came to dealing with his own bf. My gay ex is very successful and smart, and intelligent (my current ex is very intelligent too when he chooses to be. Most times, he chooses to act like a little kid living in his little kid world and I could not stand that, but that is his defense mechanism). Throughout my relationship with the current ex, he knew that I was close friends with my gay ex and I would drop things to help him, although during the first year of my relationship with the current ex, I still put the current ex first in my life. It was only in the second year when I started to lose my feelings for the current ex, that I started to hang out more with the gay ex. I have never lost my feelings for my gay ex and the fact he stood up to his bf to keep me in his life made me love him more for it and trust him for it because he did not ditch me at the time in his life it probably would have been prudent for him to ditch me for his own relationship. Sometimes, I do think he should have ditched me because it would have allowed me to be able to have a normal relationship with someone else without the memory of my gay ex haunting the new relationship.

 

DOnt take me wrong, my current ex tried to deal with my closeness to my gay ex and be friends with him. My gay ex was open to being friends with the current ex and do things with us as couples, but my gays ex's bf did NOT like my current ex because he thought my ex was beneath him.

 

The last few months before the end of my relationship with the current ex were not happy ones. My current ex tried to get me to do stuff with him more and hang out at the Faire more and more. I did not do that because I was short on money this past summer since I had done major car repairs on my car right before the summer that cost me a few thousand dollars. My current ex doesnt really have a concept of what it costs to live on one's own. He did live on his own for a while with his first gf but that didnt last and he was miserable.

 

I know I forced him to break up with me. I never said that our breakup WASNT my fault. It WAS. It was just as the Faire season was ending and I realized that I did still love my ex, but now I was dealing with the fear and depression that came with knowing that my best friend was moving away. I wanted to patch things up with the current ex but by this time he wanted out and he had already staked out a new gf prospect. He didnt actually go out with her until he dumped me. He is a man of morals too.

 

You said that I gave him strength and that he felt better and stronger with me, and that is why he could break up with me the first time around???? I dont understand that one. If I could give him strength and make him feel better then why did he break up with me the first time around? I never saw that he took me for granted. He always made time for me and was there for me when I needed someone around. The second time, I understand why he broke up wth me. I took him for granted and always assumed he would be around for me. He got fed up with the way I treated him and decided to leave.

 

Yes, he feels better when he is the protector than when he is the protected. That is why he chooses people who are younger, weaker and inexperienced so that he can protect them and feel that they need him. With me, in the beginning, he felt happy that someone would want to protect and care for him but as time went on, he felt threatened and uneasy by the fact that I made more than he did, was doing better than he was meaning that I owned a car, could drive, lived on my own, and lived life well. In the beginning he was afraid I would leave him like all his other exs, that is why he overcompensated for me a lot of times. Problem with our relationship was that I also like to be the protector and it makes me feel good about myself to be able to protect someone else than to get protected BY someone.

 

Now, I would do anything to get our relationship back. Ever since our breakup, he has been acting more and more hostile to me or to any suggestions of us getting back together. I have made attempts and then backed off and made attempts again at reconciliation. I have let him keep my cell phone and stay on my plan, in order to show that I still care about him (his parents are mean to him about what he can do around the house like use the phone). He has a new gf and I know he is loyal to her (one thing I liked about him is that he is always loyal to his current gfs.)

 

I am stuck at a crossroads. I have the opportunity to go back to CA and move to San Diego to be closer to my parents and to my best friend (the gay ex). If I do that, it will reaffirm to my current ex that I was planning to do that all along and that he was right in dumping me. I also want to stay out here and fight for my ex back when the time is right. I am so torn because right now, my best friend (the gay ex) wants me to move out to CA because he misses me so much and he needs me, and I want to start over again. But, the other side of me wants my current ex back so much. I want to show him that I chose to stay here for him instead of moving out to CA (as he thinks I will do). Do you see what I am trying to do? Can it work?

[omegaRED]

 

You said that I gave him strength and that he felt better and stronger with me, and that is why he could break up with me the first time around???? I dont understand that one. If I could give him strength and make him feel better then why did he break up with me the first time around? I never saw that he took me for granted. He always made time for me and was there for me when I needed someone around. The second time, I understand why he broke up wth me. I took him for granted and always assumed he would be around for me. He got fed up with the way I treated him and decided to leave.

 

 

What i meant was that maybe he felt stronger and thought his issues went away. You need to know that alot of us (i consider myself a "Nice Guy", but... it`s hard to explain, it`s not such a positive thing) are not satisfied with our lives. And with ourselves, but rarely admit it. Oftentimes we need a push (or a shove, more likely) in the right direction, and once things go the right way, we think we got everything right... So we think we don`t need that person anymore (it`s cruel, it`s not like we do it on purpose, but in a sense we`re using the other, stronger person to feel better about ourselves), and think "Ok, it`s fixed now, i can do whatever i want, i don`t NEED her to feel good". So maybe that`s why he broke up with you the first time. I cannot be certain this was the case, i`m just thinking out loud. I know i wouldn`t have left my ex for anything in the world, as i loved her and i too am loyal and fatihfull to the death.

 

Maybe he felt pressure, maybe he felt like he didn`t need you anymore, maybe he thought he wasn`t good enough for you, maybe it was just a stupid decision on his part. I don`t know.

 

I can`t advise you what to do re: the moving. I like that you consider staying and fighting, it shows that you are a romantic person and you do love him, but rationally... You gotta weigh the options. What is right for you. Not for your current ex, not for your gay ex. What would you like to do for yourself?

 

Some things are meant to be, some are not. If you two were meant to be together, it will happen. If you feel you should move to CA to start over, but for yourself, then i guess you either ask your current ex to meet with you and explain to him the things with your gay ex (that there`s nothing there and there won`t ever be) and the reason why you`re moving. And just move.

 

Live your life. If he`s right for you, your paths will cross again. Maybe soon, maybe later in life. But from what you`ve said i think you made enough effort to show him you still love him and want him back, and the decision is upto him. He broke up with you, he needs to want to get back and make the first step. If he doesn`t have the guts to do it... Well, you`ll definitely find a man who deserves you and treats you the way you deserve.

 

You need to move on with your life. If moving to CA is what you want, do it. Start over.

[renaissancewoman101]

Yes, my ex was a "nice guy". He always treated his gfs with respect, love and caring. Yet he was always the one who was dumped. All his past gfs, with the exception of me, have always dumped him and left him begging for a reconciliation. The first one came back once then left again. The rest have left him and never came back. I am the first one that he has ever dumped. I am also his second long term relationship. His first one lasted 7 years. I lasted about two years.

 

He knows I want him, but he is afraid of getting hurt so he wont try for it again. He also keeps telling me that his feelings for me has changed and that he has lost his "in love" feelings for me. He said that to me last year too when he took a break from me, but that time he came back and gave it a second try. I think he came back that time because he loved the way I treated him and was there for him and he missed that when he took a break from me. I also think he gave it a second try because of his mom. Of all his past gfs, his mom liked me the most. She thought I was the most together, the most mature, the most successful gf that he has ever brought home. She wanted me to stay with him and was afraid that one day I would get fed up with his personality and his childish behaviors and leave. She would always have talks with me aboiut how her son loved me, how she and his dad loved having me around and how good I was for her son. In many ways, she expected me to take care of her son. I tried my best but after awhile the task got hard because he could be stubborn and I didnt like to control him. SOmetimes when the ex insisted on doing something his way and it didnt turn out and his mom found out, she would get mad at me for letting me do things the way he did, because as she said, he didnt have any sense to do things right and I know better than he does what should be done. Yeah, she was a control freak alright. She made me very welcome over there. I stayed over a lot because I live about two hours from them and when I came on weekdays I would spend the night.

 

The first time he took a break from me, I called his mom and she ressured me that there was no one else in his life at that time. She also told me to chin up and be confident because he WAS coming back. He just wanted to go hang with his friends and do childish things. She then told me that he would have a small talk with him about what was going on and try to get to the bottom of the situation. He ended up coming back just like she reassured me. I think she talked to him and convince him to come back to me. I dont know.

 

This time I dont think he is coming back because he has found a new gf, which is hard for me to deal with. He still knows I care about him because he still has my cell phone and is on my cell plan. I pay for that and I dont mind becauase I still care about him. He also owes me about $1500. I lent him that money earlier this year so that he could pay off a credit card bill. He is kind of irresponsible with money. He tends to spend all his money on toys, Magic cards, computer games, cigarettes and beer. He has a job that has no health insurance, 401K, or anything like that.

 

As for leaving, I am probably going to leave. I am not sure how he is going to react when he hears that I am moving away. I think in the back of his head he is going to think I am doing it because of my gay ex.

 

If I could I would do anything to fight for him back. That is one of the reason I decided to become good friends with a friend of his. THe lady is a really nice person and she knows him quite well. She runs an outreach program for troubled teenagers. My ex used to be a troubled teenager that got kicked out of a bunch of schools, picked on a lot, etc. He would help her out on occasions and her son is a close friend of my ex's. My ex likes to have friends who are at least a few years to a lot younger than him. His close friend is 16 and my ex is 32. MOst of his friends are in their teens or early twenties. All the girls he dated in the past, with the exception of me, were all younger than him by at least 3-4 years. He is older than me by 4 months. The lady thinks I should stay and fight for him.

 

I dont know. Sometimes I think he goes around thinking he doesnt deserve me. I dont know.

[MumboJumbo]

Hey R101,

 

Like you, I'm going through a breakup and like you, have been trawling the forums (LS and ENotAlone) for answers and advice.

 

Now I'm not trying to knock you and I'm sure that folks on here and on the other forum want you to heal as much as the next guy.

 

I've been following your story for quite a while on ENotAlone. However, I don't think you are going to get any new answers from this site that you have got on ENotAlone from rehashing your story.

 

What I'm trying to say is to take all the advice you have been given and 'try' to move... on as hard as it seems at this moment. Obviously, everyone heals at different times, but I can see for all your previous posts that you are still stuck in the 'getting back together' mindset when all advice and evidence suggests otherwise.

 

Trust me... the sooner you can get him or any chance of a reconciliation out of your head the sooner you can start on the journey to heal and release yourself from this nightmare.

 

[nextel]

I do want him back, but I also want to find a new relationship and move on, hoping that maybe if he sees that I have moved on and found a new guy, he may come bouncing back.

 

No you dont want him back. You are just feeling hurt because he has found someone else. It would be wiser for you to find someone else, not in hope that he will come back to you but in hope that you find real happiness. He might come back, and he might never come back to you, either way: move on.

 

 

I am also very alone right now. It is Thanksgiving and I am by myself. The person I made plans with, something came up at the last minute and plans fell through, so I get to spend Thanksgiving alone with my four guinea pigs.

This is one of the reasons you want him back, not to be alone and have him at your convinence. Being alone is not the end of the world. Bottomline is, you just need to move on. And just because he acted jealous does not mean he wants you back, he may just want to sleep with you one last time, but not to have you back in his life. He acted jealous because he has not seen you with another man like that. Once he gets in your pants one more time, he could careless.