Coping with "unfamiliarity" when we see each other again

[sean001]

I need help on this problem: My girlfriend struggles with feeling "unfamiliar" when we get together after weeks of not seeing each other. Not only is it difficult for her to jump back into the intimacy we had early in our relationship when we lived near each other, but also she struggles to "get to know me all over again." This is stressing her out and she doesn't know what to do. Usually I'm in town for a day or two and while that was enough time early in our LDR to get "re-acquainted," it has become more difficult as the months have dragged on, our lives have grown more apart, and her work schedule has greatly increased.

 

I have talked to enough people (including married couples where one of the partners travels a lot) to realize that her feelings are not unusual. I don't have this problem, but I want to make things as comfortable as I can for her.

 

We talk on the phone or text most days, and we really don't have any issue with talking -- it's just that whenever we plan to get together she gets so nervous about how she is going to react.

 

Anyone have any experience successfully dealing with this problem?

[LifeBound]

well. very quickly.

 

some people are just not the type to be able to deal with long distance. Sometimes it takes some time, sometimes i bet it is just not in the person. A younger woman might feel as if she is missing out on life by being a part so much and she has a lot of emotions running through her and is confused about what in the world she is doing going through such an ordeal, no matter how inlove she is with you and how perfect you are for eachother. She is young non the less

However if she is older and is more experienced and has been screwed over by the male gender, and you are genuinely a nice guy, she is going to be more willing to deal with the distance b/c she knows she has something that is hard to replace and is unique.

 

that really isn't advice but it is good to understand what exactly your dealing with i guess.

 

woman, for the most part are more emotionally driven while men are more driven by logic and instinct. You know you love her, you travel, you'll see her as much as you can, what is the HUGE problem? ... those might be the thoughts of a guy, but the thoughts of a woman, i am sure, are filled with tons of ?'s and why's and how's and if's and oh no's. Not that that is a bad thing, personally i think a woman's logic is sounder then a mans. but nevermind that

 

You didnt really state why you travel so much so i can't be to specific on what i think could be done.

 

However, for starters.

1. try to take her with you on trips if your schedules permit.

2. when you do see her try to set an atmosphere that makes her very comfortable

3. keep the argueing to a minimum, but not at the expense of getting to know eachother and discussing a variety of things.

4. don't shower her with gifts out of guilt. Instead do creative things for her and excersize your imagination and truelly show her you care.

5. If it is unrealistic that she is going to be able to deal with you being gone all the time, and you really care for this girl and you think this has the potention of being a life long relationship, suck it up and make a career change. Your work and money are nothing compared to a life long relationship that is worth being in. (However, with that said, a woman who always makes you bend, but never bends for you, is not a woman worth keeping, BUT just b/c this is a huge bend for you, doesn't necessarily make it unfair)

 

good luck,

Sal

[LifeBound]

well. very quickly.

 

some people are just not the type to be able to deal with long distance. Sometimes it takes some time, sometimes i bet it is just not in the person. A younger woman might feel as if she is missing out on life by being a part so much and she has a lot of emotions running through her and is confused about what in the world she is doing going through such an ordeal, no matter how inlove she is with you and how perfect you are for eachother. She is young non the less

However if she is older and is more experienced and has been screwed over by the male gender, and you are genuinely a nice guy, she is going to be more willing to deal with the distance b/c she knows she has something that is hard to replace and is unique.

 

that really isn't advice but it is good to understand what exactly your dealing with i guess.

 

woman, for the most part are more emotionally driven while men are more driven by logic and instinct. You know you love her, you travel, you'll see her as much as you can, what is the HUGE problem? ... those might be the thoughts of a guy, but the thoughts of a woman, i am sure, are filled with tons of ?'s and why's and how's and if's and oh no's.

 

You didnt really state why you travel so much so i can't be to specific on what i think could be done.

 

However, for starters.

1. try to take her with you on trips if your schedules permit.

2. when you do see her try to set an atmosphere that makes her very comfortable

3. keep the argueing to a minimum, but not at the expense of getting to know eachother and discussing a variety of things.

4. don't shower her with gifts out of guilt. Instead do creative things for her and excersize your imagination and truelly show her you care.

5. If it is unrealistic that she is going to be able to deal with you being gone all the time, and you really care for this girl and you think this has the potention of being a life long relationship, suck it up and make a career change. Your work and money are nothing compared to a life long relationship that is worth being in.

 

good luck,

Sal

[LifeBound]

hmm. ok i just read your other post where you explain the story more fully, so at least i am caught up

 

i really can't really offer more advice on the actual 'feeling unfamiliar'. But in my opinion, i think you were closer to figuring things out in your other thread. Feeling unfamiliar is definitely related to the distance, but there is a foundation there that you might be completely missing. Focus on the things she might be thinking or worrying about and ask yourself why why why, and fight the problem at its root.

I have some more advice that might be helpful on the 'why why why' part i just mentioned, but it is more related to your other post and so i will go post it there.

 

-Sal

[sean001]

Sal -- thank you for taking the time to reply. I don't know why the other thread is right next to mine because it was written over two months ago and the new one here is more relevant. It's not as if the other thread has been "resolved" but it's just that we're never going to grow or talk about anything of value if she feels weird when she sees me. This is a more immediate problem.

 

So when you were in your LDR, you or your girlfriend did not go through this problem?

 

It's just that I heard it is very common, I thought there might be some common "LDR Tricks of the Trade" that people use to smooth it over...

[LifeBound]

well. No, me and my gf do not have this problem... personally i think i have a pretty unique relationship with her and our situation, but that is probably a totally ignorant statement... If you actually wanted to bore yourself and read a quick synopsis of what my relationship consists of be my guest... i talk about it in one of my replies at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70638/

 

even though your other post is old, perhaps my reply on it will help in some way.

 

It is a very common problem, perhaps b/c confusion, lack of communication, & life changing events are all things that rock the boat of a relationship.

 

My trick of the trade would be communication. If at the end you understand things, emotionally detatch yourself from the situation. If it was meant to be, Great. If it wasn't, Don't give mouth to mouth to a dead dog just b/c it was your favorite pet sense childhood. Just bury the damn thing.

 

Sal

[sean001]

Thanks, Sal. I tried the link, but it went to my old post for some reason. I'd be happy to check it out.

 

We communicate well often (usually everyday). It's really not an issue "over the phone" because our comfort level with that is fine (we're quite practiced in it now). We just don't see each other that much and she has a hard time getting used to being with me when we do.

 

The funny thing is, I was just preparing to begin the "break off" conversation a week ago until we had a couple of very long talks where we looked at the stumbling blocks in an LDR. For myself, I'm torn between being sympathetic to her current situation (working more hours than every before in her life, feeling stressed, depressed, and out-of-sorts) with also feeling like I need to draw some lines. I want to be there for her, but also I want her to know that her stress (which has been going on for a few months) should not always take precedence over myself. Eventually she has to take care of this problem and find ways to deal with it. I can't be expected to lie in wait as she develops stress-relieving techniques.

 

Of course, one of the undercurrents is that with her high-stress mode she finds talking about "serious" stuff to be equally as stressful and she avoids it at times. At least she is honest with me about all this.

 

Anyway, enough of the psychobabble, all relationships have their trials and I was just hoping for tips on the re-familiarizing part. Thanks again Sal!

[Outcast]

I think it's just a hazard of LDRs that you both have to accept, expect, and know (as you already do) that some time together restores your 3D closeness.

[LifeBound]

sorry about the link. I must have had to many windows open and got confused. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t75086/

 

But as a final note (at least for now): I am in the Navy and we see a lot of sea time. One of my buddies was married for about 5 months before coming to the boat and she got pregnant immediately after marrying. Over the course of 1.5 yrs, we had a pretty rough schedule. We would be in for 2 weeks, out to sea for 2 months, in port for 3 weeks, out to sea for 1 month, back for a week, out for 2 weeks, etc etc. It was a pretty horrible run for that whole time.

 

My friend and his wife ended up seperating at first and he said, "Me and my wife just never have enough time to actually just live together and work on building a relationship together, everytime i go we learn how to live apart from eachother, and then when i return we disrupt eachothers patterns of living. For the first 2 weeks it is good, but by the time we got something growing, i am stuck going back out to sea, and after a year of this, my wife just can't take it, to emotionally stressing" .... he said that about 7 months ago. Today they are presently divorced and i think she might have even moved out of the state with his daughter. 1.5 years ago when i used to go over, they seemed like a good match. And i would like to think i read people pretty well.

 

Just letting you know, your not alone.

 

Well, hope to hear everything works out.

Sal

[sean001]

My emotions have been all over the place this weekend and I'm wondering if you have any experience with "taking a break" for a week or two (not talking, etc.). I don't know if it's a good idea, but I'm very unhappy and troubled about the relationship and right now I don't feel as though I can turn to her with my issues over everything. I am putting too much into the minutes of phone conversation or text messaging that we're able to do on a daily basis.

 

My thinking is that if I take a break from the day-to-day routine with her for a week or two that I might get some sanity back and be able to look at things with a sharper perspective and feel less insecure and emotional. I don't know how good I'll be able to "resolve" anything while feeling like this, and I've been feeling this way for a couple months.

 

Did you ever have any experience with this working?

[LifeBound]

well, we have only gotten real mad at eachother about 2 times in five years and both times we probably didnt speak for 3-4 days. But i bet that is not what your looking for

 

As for breaks, we have had some, but they were outside my control. I am stationed on a submarine and sometimes i might go out and be out of contact for a month or a month and a half. In the past 2 yrs i have been out of contact with her for about 6 weeks twice. And also, just being out to sea has its benefits b/c i got nothing better to do then think and i probably email her every day or every other day. But still, its solitude and it clears your mind.

 

We are planning on marrying in the spring and once again, from jan-march i'll be out of contact, and as much as i am dreading it, a little bit inside of me is looking forward to it. Talk about time to think I got more then plenty

 

2 weeks should probably be good for you Especially since you sound like you're in the dumps mentally and emotionally. I promise you one thing, you probably won't feel worst by taking a break seeing as it sounds like her attitude towards this all is what is keeping your happy bar in the red.

 

Sal