SpringDale Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Sorry - drama thread. Advice sought! I am seeing this new girl. We've been close for several months now and both love each other. We're both just out of divorce and both have more than enough drama in our lives to fill this board. I moved in temporarily with her about a wk prior to her change in attitude. Her and I wanted a future together. Last week, for no apparent reason, she just detached from our relationship completely. Not only was there no sex (which oddly enough, she normally wants much more than me) but she didn't want any affection at all. Never says I love you on her own. Says she feels taken advantage of. She said that I was "living on top of her" and that she needed her own space, so I made it a point to stay in the other room, find things to do after work, etc so that I wasn't on top of her. One evening, she upset me enough (just ignoring me badly) that I left (told her I was going out for drive) and forgot to grab my wallet, phone, etc. Just had to leave and get some fresh air, so I went to see a movie (always have money in truck). When I got back she was pissed that she couldn't get ahold of me. At the end of the arguement she actually threw me out in my bare feet, shorts, in the rain, 45* with no place to go at midnight on a work night. I have no other friends in this town, I just moved here - she was everything to me. When she finally let me come back she mentioned part of the problem was that I hadn't yet contributed to her bills and she was spending money she didn't have on me. At best - her bills (water, electric, etc) would have gone up $50 (guess) due to having another person living with her for just 2 wks, but I bought her $150 in groceries, got all her meals during the past two months and gave her $100 for her troubles. I'm moving out this weekend (less than 2 wks living with her). She told me not to leave my family early for Thanksgiving to come spend any time with her, yet she has nothing to do otherwise. I guess I'm confused - she doesn't seem interested in calling me or going out of her way to do anything for me, yet seems disappointed if I don't consider her feelings otherwise. Totally mixed signals, but much more withdrawn than actually wanting anything to do with me. She spends all her time with "online" friends. She SAYS she doesn't want a break, that we're exclusive and that she still wants a future, but I'm wondering if this is a silent breakup. Is she just waiting for me to lose all patience and call it quits so that she can be the victim. I think I'll just show up on Sat, get my stuff and move out as planned and then not call until she does. But I'm curious if that will backfire on me and only put us further apart. Will she just be more pissed I didn't call and return the favor by not calling me. I really care for her, and I think she cares for me, but I'm not used to someone not pulling thier weight in a relationship. It was a sudden withdraw that she says she can't explain other than she's just not interested in affection or sex. This is highly unlike her character (whether with me, or what she's told me about her previous relationships). Your thoughts?
johan Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 I think trying to figure out why she is doing all this so that you can respond properly is the wrong strategy. Another way to think of it is this: take her current behavior and extend it out over the next 30 years and then ask yourself if that's what you want. The answer probably is no, or else you wouldn't have posted here about it. Maybe she really does love you and maybe she really does want a future with you. If she does and this is how she shows it, then it isn't going to make you happy. If she does and she needs to adjust her behavior, then she'll do it, but I wouldn't recommend betting on it. If she was going to do that, then she would be working on it right now. If she doesn't, then there's no point sticking around until she finally decides to make a break. I think the only option is for you to go get your own place and let her figure her problems out in peace. Maybe she'll wake up from her psychotic episode and call you. Maybe not.
jhurtinct Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 sounds like maybe she wasn't ready to have a roomate, did she ask you to come stay w/her or was it more of a split second decision?
westernxer Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Treat it like another divorce and find someone more stable.
Author SpringDale Posted November 24, 2005 Author Posted November 24, 2005 Wow - I think I just needed someone else to say the same thing that I had mentally told myself already. The roomie thing was a last min decision, but we knew it would only be for about 10-14 days. Nothing earth shattering... but johan, thanks you said things that I've already said to myself. If she isn't willing to do anything to help the situation herself, it isn't going to work out. Moving day is Sat (she thinks Sun). I think I'll give her space and wait for her to call me on her own. I'm already upset that she's going out with her ex tomorrow to ride 4-wheelers, then changed her story about him not being there (but leaving the 4-wheelers for everyone else to ride) when she heard I wasn't comfortable out her being with him. I wouldn't mind, normally, but ONE night I didn't show up on her ex-anniversary, she decided she wanted someone to hang out with and told me later she called him to sleep with him. It was her way of punishing me. If it weren't for a flight, it would have happened. (FYI - I need proof that someone is lying to me before I'll believe that they're lying, so I guess I don't know 100% the dude won't be there, but she's obviously hid him from me in the past and I'm 100% sure she's lied to me about other things that she thought was insignificant). Probably time to pack up, move out and move on until she can get herself together. Even then, I should probably be very careful. Anyone else think the same thing?
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