How can I go on?

[MLH]

My husband of 12 years has left me. Over the summer, he and a formerly very close family friend of ours started a fling, which quickly turned into love. It seems they had crushes on each other for years, and the sparks flew.

 

At first, he said he would come back and try to fix our marriage. I was desperate to do this - I am still so in love with him. But it was only a matter of a couple of weeks before he was back in her arms. Her husband divorced her, and my husband paid for her divorce attorney.

 

My husband informed me that he was leaving me for good, and moving into an apartment with her. We have a beautiful 4 bedroom house that we built from the ground up, a beautiful 10 year old daughter who is fragile and misses her dad, and I have nothing.

 

I have never worked. I have been his wife. I have no education, basically because I never thought I would need it. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and mother. Now he is supporting me, but I can see that most of the money will go to our daughter and I am left out in the cold.

 

He is in love with this woman, and after I am out of the picture, they plan to marry. In fairness, she was always so much more than me - more beautiful, more intelligent, more witty, more worldly. I can see why he loves her, and, in retrospect, that he has probably always loved her. I cannot stand her. How can she have stolen my husband? How can she have ruined my life? How can she have stepped in where I should be?

 

He promised he would love me and take care of me forever. If I had known it would end, I never would have married him 12 years ago. I never got over my own parents' divorce. I know my daughter is now feeling pain.

 

He has not told our daughter that he is living with her, only that he has problems with me and has left me. When our daughter asked him why, he said that I drove him away by nagging him about stupid things, wearing down his self esteem over the years, and picking and yelling at him. Now that I am forced to think about it, people in my family did tell me I should treat him better considering all he did for me. Now that it is gone and I am on my own, I can see that I did push him away. I never appreciated him. I was a real shrew. And now he tells me straight to my face that he does not love me anymore. He has filed for divorce against me. He has given her my key to his car, and his heart. And I know she loves him, too.

 

I am in counseling, but it is not helping me. I do not even want to get out of bed in the morning. I am a horrible parent to our daughter because of my bad frame of mind. He does come to our house - or rather his former house - every single day to see our daughter for a couple of hours. He eats with her, plays with her, and then goes home to our former friend who he calls his "betrothed." He also has said that his GF will be my daughter's stepmother someday. How can I possibly let that woman near my child after what she's done? I am terrified of her.

 

I know it's over. I know that on a logical level. He's made his choice. But I have made him my life. Now I have nothing. His money still supports me. His parents still love me, and are on my side. Many of our friends have shunned him for his choice. But I am still the big loser in all of this. He offered me a college education once, free (he works at a college) but I did not take it - I never trusted myself and my smarts - I still don't. I am back to the scared little girl who was hurt when he met me, and he took that hurt away.

 

Now he is the one giving the hurt.

 

How can I go on?

 

~M

[Brittanyjean06]

im sure the pain your experincing is crucial......i could put my self in your place and understand your fears....and pain.

 

you should have gotten an education from the begining, im sure you know that..how about having your parents helping you out?..im sure they would understand.

 

and im sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now

[Nikita20]

I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time. I'm sure that you are quite devistated, confused and angry. It is really unfair what he did to you. I'm sorry, when you get married, it is for better or for worse. And it seems like when you guys were going through some rough times, he decided to bail and seek out greener pastures. Did you guys ever get marriage counseling? You mentioned that he came back to try and fix the marriage. But, in reality, he is uncapable of doing that. You need a professional to do that.

 

What you need to do right now is focus on YOURSELF. Quit beating yourself down and quit blaming yourself for the failure of the marriage. In a relationship/marriage, it takes two to tango. This isn't ALL your fault. It sounds like before the marriage you didn't have much self worth and didn't love yourself. You can't rely on someone else's love to build your self worth. You need to do this yourself. And, most importantly you need to love yourself. These are the key things you need to work on in order to have a successful relationship. Otherwise, you will continue to be too dependent on the other person's love for your well being. Also, you need to focus on being strong and independent. Whether or not you are in a relationship, you need to be able to support yourself. You can never rely 100% on someone else to support you. In a healthly, loving relationship, both people should be independently strong.

 

Continue seeing the counselor, even though you don't think it is working. It takes time because it sounds like you have some serious issues. Not only do you need to do this for yourself, but you need to do this for your daughter as well. She depends on you. Now that you have some time on your hands, look into getting a degree. Also, you may want to look into getting a part time job in order to gain some skills in order to boost your confidence. Right now you need to muster up the courage and strength to pick yourself up and move forward. Trust yourself and your smarts. You CAN do it. This is the time for you to shine and show the world what you are really made of.

[Outcast]

Here's what you have: you have an understanding of where you've gone wrong so that you can fix it and move on. Everybody makes mistakes and some people make real huge ones. Trump went bankrupt a couple of times. Here's what Edison said when so many of his attempts to invent a lightbulb failed:

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

 

Now you know what doesn't work, you can move on to learn what does.

 

Do you think your husband could still get you a free or discounted college education? If not, ask your counsellor to help you find employment training. You're not the first person this has happened to - people go through this and go on to succeed. You can, too!

[Nikita20]

I wouldn't go to your husband for the free college education. That will show him that your are still dependant on him. Do this yourself. Maybe you can look into getting a student loan or something like that. The point is you need to be self-sufficient. That is the key.

[Tricia]

One day at a time.That's all U can do.I am in the boat right beside ya,sinking too.My H an I have been together for 11yr.I am a barber and Have taken care of the terminally ill and elderly off an on for the last 10yrs,but I'm mostly a stay at home mom.w/o the confidence to make the move I need to.I will thou,I just need some time.U will also.We all have an inner strength we are unaware of til we need it,It will come.Try to think positive,surround yourself with positive people.U'll make it!

U are capable of far more than U are giving yourself credit for.

For me,when the tears stop,an the anger sets in,he will need everyone's prayers.

I will make it and do all the things he said I couldn't:p

Chin up,U'll be fine,in time-We both will:)

[MLH]

...and telling our daughter that he is never coming back to me. We are sitting and dividing our personal assets. I am looking at what has become of my life in black and white ona piece of paper. It's like the last 12 years never happened at all.

 

Am I wrong to hope that my daughter hates him and his new love? I know that SHE stole HIM, and I am afraid that she will steal our daughter as well .

 

Thank you for all of the advice, but I honestly don't want to listen to it right now. You're right - I did not love myself and I don't know how I can love myself now.

 

~M