In Sync Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 hmmm...quite dramatic..."every bite of turkey is a PAINFUL reminder?" When I bit into my turkey it wasn't painful. It was GOOD!!! Hey we survived Thanksgiving! Now lets shoot for xmas and new years! And in 2006, may we each find our strong arms, or weak arms. bendit I do have a sense of humour...I can laugh at myself...but there was absolutely nothing dramatic about those words. in fact that phrase was brilliantly put...and WHAT do you guys have against strong arms..oh just drop it, you.
CoolAunt Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 Originally Posted by In Sync ok, when I mentioned that "at least I had a pair a strong arms I could count on." I merely meant, in that it was nice to be held in his arms, that I could lean into the comfort of his arms. Must we be well...glib, just for the sake of being glib. Anyway hope you had a good hoilday weekend. And by the way, NrclptcNSmniak, you tapped into my sentiments and expressed quite clearly how I was feeling..and it does not mean or take away our feelings or recognition from those who may be less fortunate either. Everything is not just either or. hmmm...quite dramatic..."every bite of turkey is a PAINFUL reminder?" When I bit into my turkey it wasn't painful. It was GOOD!!! Hey we survived Thanksgiving! Now lets shoot for xmas and new years! And in 2006, may we each find our strong arms, or weak arms. I think Bendit's description of "quite dramatic" is kind. I come from a less than ideal family and, without going into the details of why and how, we have scattered to the winds. Iow, I have no family of origin to speak of. I'm not married and I don't have children. There have been many holidays in which I was not dating anyone. I have a family of friends and usually receive invitations to spend holidays with them. Sometimes I accept them and sometimes I don't. Either way, I absolutely refuse to spend a holiday feeling sorry for myself, even if I spend it alone. The way I see it, any day off work, PAID, is a good day. When I'm feeling down, a good way to feel better is to do something for someone else; there are plenty of volunteer opportunities on the major holidays. I've spent Christmases and Thanksgivings serving food for the homeless and walking dogs at the local animal shelter. Other times, I've kicked back at home with a couple of good movies, taking breaks to call my siblings and wish them a happy holiday. Whatever I decide to do on the holidays, I won't waste them feeling sorry for myself because I have no family to mention. That goes double for wasting them feeling sorry for myself because I have no significant other on that particular day. Waaaahhh! Waaaahhh!
In Sync Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 Whatever I decide to do on the holidays, I won't waste them feeling sorry for myself because I have no family to mention. That goes double for wasting them feeling sorry for myself because I have no significant other on that particular day. Waaaahhh! Waaaahhh! So in a nutshell because you are sort of a tough 'I don't feel sorry for myself' kind of person, we should as my ex Narcissist used to put it..."bottle it." (referring to our emotions...) Sorry, being aware of my feelings is not a waste for me. If I hurt or feel a loss I don't need to go into denial because the world suffers, I have a big enough of a heart that feels pain, for the less fortunate, for when my mom passed away and for missing the bloody strong arms of my former lover. If you are too cold to comprehend that well that's just too sad.
bendit Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 I think we are all in basic agreement here and can see the points of view of the others. I realize you guys are empathetic to others who are less fortunate, and I certainly can relate to what you are going through over the holidays. There is room for both points of view on this thread! regards
CoolAunt Posted November 27, 2005 Posted November 27, 2005 So in a nutshell because you are sort of a tough 'I don't feel sorry for myself' kind of person, we should as my ex Narcissist used to put it..."bottle it." (referring to our emotions...) Sorry, being aware of my feelings is not a waste for me. If I hurt or feel a loss I don't need to go into denial because the world suffers, I have a big enough of a heart that feels pain, for the less fortunate, for when my mom passed away and for missing the bloody strong arms of my former lover. If you are too cold to comprehend that well that's just too sad. You still don't get it. It's not denial or bottling anything up. It's about making the best of every day. Do you think that, given the choice, I would have chosen to come from a f*cked up family? That I would have chosen not to have met Mr Wonderful yet? Of course not. But this is my situation and it's how I navigate it that makes the difference. I can choose to focus on what I don't have or I can choose to focus on what I do have. To quote Martha Washington, "Our happines lies more on our dispositions than on our situations." As far as empathy goes, why not focus your empathy on making someone else's holidays better? You'd be amazed at how much better it would make you feel. It certainly is a waste to spend your time feeling sad when you could spend your time making yourself and someone else feel a little happier.
NrclptcNSmniak Posted November 29, 2005 Posted November 29, 2005 .......... okay here we go Of course you have your parents but you are coming in alone. They are already HERE. They didn't come in with you. first of all... your parents were with you from conception. you were created entirely by them. from the creation of the sperm and egg... you fed inside your mothers womb untill you came out of her vagina and placed into her arms. there is no point during your birth that u were alone. You think you need some strong arms (or weak ones) holding you to "validate" your thanksgiving and to make it look like you have someone there, and to the outside world, you have your act together. most people can already see from my post why exactly i don't think this is true... but for you (johnjohn) i will explain it. we don't need to be held for the sake of validation(actually i don't even know what this really means... validation for what... u cant validate thanksgiving with a hug..... actually imo thanksgiving is a day without validation... were thanking the native americans for ... stealing their land.. by eating turkey with ur family????...)... and i could care less what it looks like to other people if i don't have anyone. take a breath and bring your attention to the breath. Alone or with someone...its ALL the same. Its about experiencing the moment and being here, now. It really is t i explained the first part already in my post. as for the second. if he was saying that we shudn't think about being depressed or lonely because we should be happy for just being able to ... experience life, being depressed isn't by choice. we don't feel lonely because we want to. its not something that we can turn off by a flick of the switch or a turn of a valve. it would be nice to just not care about being with someone... but it isn't always that easy. I know millions of people all around the world are in far worse positions. I was selfish for whinning. i actually jsut put that whole cancer thing in just because of this response to bendits post. Next time I hear of someone that has cancer, I'll throw a party. How's that? I'll pat 'em on the back and say "congratulations on getting cancer!" I'm sure they'll be receptive of that and thank me to no end. ..... theres no need to be a sarcastic ass about it. i was just saying that just because someone has cancer doesn't mean that they can't be happier than someone who is stuck in the depths of their own self pity.... The whole point here is that you are a separate entity and shouldn't have to rely on someone else to validate you. Period. i never said otherwise... Your reasoning is questionable and lacks substance to say the least. umm... that was quite rude... if ur going to insult my reasoning then at least show me real examples of where exactly it comes across as being weak. just because my brain is young doesn't mean that it doesn't deserve at least this ammount of respect. anyway... i felt that my emotional argument was pretty strong. the only reason why i could see it as being weak was because of my lack of my lack of deeper explanation... resultant from me thinking that it wasn't necessary. also by this are u trying to tell me that im not feeling what i feel?......... You still don't get it. It's not denial or bottling anything up. It's about making the best of every day. Do you think that, given the choice, I would have chosen to come from a f*cked up family? That I would have chosen not to have met Mr Wonderful yet? Of course not. But this is my situation and it's how I navigate it that makes the difference. I can choose to focus on what I don't have or I can choose to focus on what I do have. To quote Martha Washington, "Our happines lies more on our dispositions than on our situations." As far as empathy goes, why not focus your empathy on making someone else's holidays better? You'd be amazed at how much better it would make you feel. It certainly is a waste to spend your time feeling sad when you could spend your time making yourself and someone else feel a little happier. of course your post is absolutely 100 percent correct. but have to take into account that, not all people, no matter how hard they try, can just look on the brighter side of life. your happiness does rely heavily on your state of mind... its just that changing your state of mind isn't always as easy as making a decision. okok i was a bit dramatic but that is how a lot of people feel. i know that eating turkey reminded me of how last year i was so happily eating turkey with the girl of my dreams.. and that, now, is all gone... and not only am i not with that girl, but that girl that i knew doesn't exist anymore..., that girl has changed into something that i despise. once again, its not that i choose to think about it, it just happens.
phrekmon Posted December 4, 2005 Posted December 4, 2005 I had spent Thanksgiving with my wife and her family (my only family)(she had already moved out and was living with her parents) the day went well I guess, I was still hanging on to her and MC was the next day so it was a good day. Since then the marriage is over, the OM is definitly with her (driving MY car) her still tring to suck out of me what she can (there is nothing left) I called her parents last Friday and told them I wouldnt be coming for Christmas, that their daughter had made her choices (they know OM and he wasnt welcome in their home 20 years ago and was not welcome in their family now) I told them how much there love/acceptence ment for me and I would keep in touch as much as possible.(it is a small island where everyone really does know your name) I dont know what I'm going to do Christmas or New Years as this will be my first totally by myself, at least in the past (between my 2 marriages) I had my kids from the first one but they both live 5000 miles away and both have started there own lives (of course I'll talk to them but it's not the same) so totally alone it will be. any advice as to how to lessen the loneliness ? At least they fall on weekends so there will be no extra day off to deal with. Oh well time to go surfing(she had bought me the surfboard for Fathers day last year and it was really hard to go back out in the water, I'll have to remember later on to thank her for giving me this). Thanks as always for listening, Dennis
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