JeT'Aime Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now. A few months ago, while I was spending the night, I woke up to find him looking at porn. I was mortified. I said nothing, but continued thinking about it. It was then that I noticed he often looks at porn. Recently, I told him I was sick of it and if I saw him doing it again, I'd break up with him. Well a week after that, I came over unannounced, and he was doing it again. I decided to give him another chance. There's another thing, we've always had a great sex life, and recently, it has stopped. We never do it anymore. I'm concerned for our relationship. Do you think I'm being to strict about the whole porn thing? Or do I have reason to be mad? I feel like i'm being replaced.
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I told him I was sick of it and if I saw him doing it again' date=' I'd break up with him. Well a week after that, I came over unannounced, and he was doing it again. I decided to give him another chance.[/quote'] Don't make threats you're not prepared to carry out. Creates bad feeling and ruins your credibility. Do you think I'm being to strict about the whole porn thing? Or do I have reason to be mad? I feel like i'm being replaced. There are at least 2 views on porn. But whether you view porn as acceptable or not, it is clear that your feelings matter and he should at least try to understand them. As you should his. Sit down and talk, try to understand each others needs. And find some kind of compromise or arrangement that fits both.
Nur Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Maybe ask him why he feels the need to look at porn, and see if there is any possible justifiable answer for it. Personally, I'm with you. I loathe porn. If the person I'm with isn't satisfied enough with me, and he feels the need to go elsewhere, then he needs to discuss the problem with me, not drool over a bunch of naked strangers. I would return the expectation -- if I ever felt uhappy or neglected in an aspect of our relationship, I would discuss it with him and fix it, not stare at naked guys. Some guys have petty excuses like, "Everyone does it" or "It's normal." If he's in that mindset, then he is on a completely different wavelength and has a different set of principles, so it will be difficult to see where you are coming from. He doesn't consider it a big deal, or tries to rationalize it, if he gives you an answer like that. I find the concept of porn insulting to the one the porn-watcher is with, as I consider my boyfriend to be an embodiment of both my emotional and sexual needs, and would expect him to think the same of me. If he found himself unsatisfied somehow, going elsewhere is a temporary solution at best. The same applies with the idea of an affair, which almost always happens because of a flaw in the relationship. Respectable men I know have no need to look at porn. They are of an emotional maturity in which they can find satisfaction in their lives and in their loved one without stooping to the obscene. If it were an instructional video, perhaps, that would be different, but watching some of the repulsive garbage that is mainstreamed all over the internet is, I agree, an extremely undesirable habit. Do not, however, force him to stop because you say so. This will only create resentment in him and he'll feel that you are trying to control him. You must explain how his watching porn makes you feel and why. Either he'll respect your feelings as he accepts your viewpoint and respectfully stop, or ignore your feelings and continue, in which case you have every right to be angry and it should be a major warning sign in the compatibility of your relationship. If you were doing something that you know bothered him and his reasons were valid, you should stop out of respect for him. But you should expect no less from him.
Outcast Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Respectable men I know have no need to look at porn. They are of an emotional maturity in which they can find satisfaction in their lives and in their loved one without stooping to the obscene Don't fool yourself that you understand people. You have no idea what people do for sex. Some of those 'respectable men' may belong to swingers clubs. Others might like having sex with shoes. You simply can make no such assumptions. If the person I'm with isn't satisfied enough with me This is the fallacious, baseless assumption underlying too many peoples' objection to porn. And any beliefs based on an erroneous assumption are by definition also mistaken. You can believe fervently that the world is flat. It doesn't make it true. And to insist upon believing in assumptions that have no evidence or fact to back them up is to insist on living a life mired in one's own delusions. Not the healthiest way to approach things, really.
Nur Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Some of those 'respectable men' may belong to swingers clubs. Others might like having sex with shoes. Actually, these men I refer to are my brothers, my father, my uncle. I am quite sure they do not go to strip clubs, and they do not look at porn. This is the fallacious, baseless assumption underlying too many peoples' objection to porn. And any beliefs based on an erroneous assumption are by definition also mistaken. Then exactly what is it, Outcast, that I should assume? I find the train of thought quite logical.
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