figured out my problem and don't know how to fix it

[teethbrushes]

my ex and i broke up a while ago and sometimes i think he regrets it, but i'm not sure. I've really pushed him away and i wonder what would've happened if i had just kept my mouth shut.

 

he wanted to be just friends for a long time and now he says he's not sure because his feelings are all over the place. When getting back together was brought up very casually, he said what I had said about not getting back together a couple months earlier, so I don't know if that was legit or him spitting back what I had said.

 

We can't avoid each other, its not possible unless we sacrifice grades or make completely different social circles.

 

My problem is, I KNOW i've changed and we're not compatible anymore. I KNOW this conciously and when I hang out with him, it reinforces it and pops the bubble of the fantasy. This is why I've pushed so hard to stay friends with him, because it DOES help me get over him. I guess he's feeling the opposite: ignore me and see the bad, hang out with me and see why he fell for me.

 

How can I remedy this? I just want to move on! And sometimes moving on isn't as simple as saying you want to. I just don't want to live in this fantasy world, but he doesn't want to hang out a lot because he's just not ready. But when we do, I see how I've changed.

 

help?

[pippen_2k]

Ummm that sounds preety nasty what your doing! Comes across as very selfish...

 

You wanna hang around him to get over him? But when he hangs out with you he starts to like you again?

 

Tell me if im wrong here...

 

If this is the case avoid him at all costs, cause you cant play with peoples emotions like that.

[In Sync]

So, why don't you sit down with him, put aside your fears whatever they may be, and if you respect or even like him, tell him your sincere feelings. Be descent and honest and allow him the dignity to where he stands... without giving him mixed signals. I suspect you are afraid he will completely move on from you, so you are staying in this limbo inorder to keep him stringing along (which boosts your ego a bit) and /or until you finally get tired of the scenario you'll push him away again.

[teethbrushes]

um, I don't know because he dumped me in the first place pretty heartlessly....

[westernxer]

This situation is hopeless.

 

All I is see is denial.

[teethbrushes]

i don't understand. how is it denial to know we're not right for each other, but having a hard time rationalizing it when I'm not with him? How the hell is that denial?

[bunnzy]

I think he meant you are in denial that the relationship is over. There is no friendship.

 

When people break up it is very hard to go from 'together' to 'just friends' it may make sense, it may be what you want, but it is something that happens with time, without you forcing it.

 

Make new friends and move on.

[westernxer]

Make new friends and move on.

 

Bingo.

 

There's no use rationalizing a dead end.

 

People who swim against the tide usually end up drowning.

[teethbrushes]

i guess not.

 

this situation is just really difficult to convey to people.

 

its not as easy as it seems.

[westernxer]

It's not difficult, but you're making it impossible.

 

The way I see it, he dumped you and you won't let him get away.

 

How old are you anyway?

[teethbrushes]

you really think that's how it is? Hmmm...well i think if i explained the whole story you wouldn't see it like that at all. Its almost the opposite actually.

[westernxer]

Then please explain it, so nobody gets the wrong impression.

[teethbrushes]

i can do it over a private message...i don't want to post too much information on a board like this.

 

and of course you can give me your wonderful advice.

 

but in reality, i think its difficult to comprehend this situation out of context.

[westernxer]

I don't think you have enought posts yet to enable IM (I think the minimum is 50).

[teethbrushes]

i can send you a private message.

 

in fact I WILL!

[pippen_2k]

You can post it here, its not like anyone knows you.

 

Unless your a toothbrush... then ill be able to pin point ya

[teethbrushes]

oh i see what you mean. you have to have 50 to send a private message.

 

if you have AIM, I would talk to you over that.

[westernxer]

I messed up... I meant PM instead of IM.

 

By all means, please do.

[teethbrushes]

i'm not sure though, I get scared someone will recognize me on here and be like "OMG, I recognize the story, I saw her posting here!" but I guess there are a lot of similar stories. I actually read someone's story and I was like "OMG, did this happen to me?"

 

do you think its okay?

[westernxer]

Go for it.

 

It's unlikely someone will recognize you, unless you make references to specific places or people by name.

 

It's not like they'll see your face, like they can mine.

 

Just do it under a new thread, that way people can read it from the beginning.

[teethbrushes]

Okay, well I'll spill out all of the details.

 

1. I first met my ex and we were best friends for a few months. He told me he liked me, but I didn't really like him back.

 

2. We were inseperable and he admitted again that he thought maybe he liked me still...things were always very unclear and I was never even sure if he had actually said he had a crush on me before. But he said he wanted to give us a try.

 

3. We were long distance and it was both of our first real relationships. I was at school 400 miles or so away from him.

 

4. Things were PERFECT, the only issue was the distance. The kid was so in love with me and everyone always told me about how in love with me he was and it was so cute.

 

5. He told me he loved me first and I was sort of nervous to say it, but then as time progressed, I realized I loved him too.

 

6. Our relationship went on perfectly until I started to have trouble getting out of bed during Christmas break. He was worried, but seemed to be more of the camp that I was lazy and needed something to do.

 

7. One day out of the blue he broke up with me. I don't know the real reason why, but he said I was too inactive for him to deal with and it really bothered him that I could not stay awake. He was also concerned things were becoming too serious and marrying me would not be practical.

 

8. Two days later, we were back together. Two days later we were seperate again.

 

9. Literally the day we split the first time I found out I have a serious disease which I will have to manage for the rest of my life. I never told him that, but he knows now, which accounted for why I was so sick.

 

10. He was very depressed almost suicidal and gained a lot of weight. He told my friends he was increasingly depressed without me.

 

11. He kept calling me and saying he wanted to remain friends because he was still friends with all of his "exes". I said in time and he needed to quit calling me.

 

12. I found out he had told a friend he was desperately upset, so I called him out of concern and because I was still attatched to him. I found out he had a new girlfriend a month later and said he had moved on, even though he told me he had a lot of trouble moving on (and I know he does from knowing him) from situations.

 

13. I went to school, but then had to come home because my health was deteriorating. He never knew about any of this until quite recently. He and his new girlfriend were over in a couple of months.

 

14. We didn't talk for several months and during this time I was able to move on quite nicely and dated 2 othe guys, one of them was getting close to being a boyfriend the way he was. but then he became weird and obsessed with his ex, so I had to step back from him.

 

15. My ex then transferred to my school, which is tiny to begin with.

 

16. Things were fine at first. We had a lot of conversations with each other. I told him I was glad we broke up and he just stared at me blankly. But things were good. I thought it was heading towards solid friendship, because like I said, I didn't feel the same when I was with him.

 

17. I made a remark to him that I was glad we could be friends without falling for each other. Then the weirdness started.

 

18. He joined several organizations I am already in and established in and began to make friends with people I was already friends with before.

 

19. He began to ignore me at events. He would say hi to me, but ignore me. He would also stare at me to an uncomfortable point and to a point that other people noticed this too.

 

20. People seemed to know a LOT about the relationship that I had not told them and people such as his roommate would come up to me with lots of information that I never volunteered. There are two people here, so I assumed it must be him being chatty. I was also told he frequently asked about me.

 

21. I called him and asked him if he would have a talk with me. I got no response for four days, so I figured he was just going to let things continue as they were. Then I got an e-mail saying he would like to talk, but needed time. He called me 2 weeks later saying he was ready and willing to talk.

 

22. We sat down and talked. He said he missed me. He said he thinks about me a lot. He said he was embarrassed at his behavior but didn't know how to act around me, but that he loved seeing me at events and hopes I would continue to come. He said he had a bunch of stories he wanted me to hear. When getting back together came up briefly his responses were very much what I had already said when I told him I was glad we could be friends. He was very steadfast in telling me that although he loved to hear about my life and what was up, he could not be friends now. He said he wasn't going to promise anything he couldn't deliver, and being friends was one thing, but he hoped we could still hang out at parties and stuff. We talked for a while about everything, and then he left saying he felt a lot better.

 

23. Now, I'm back to the problem I stated above. During that time, I don't think I felt chemistry. When I'm not with him, I remember back to what a wonderful boyfriend he was.

 

so...i don't think i'm the only one being weird here.

[westernxer]

Thanks for sharing. Here's what I found troubling...

 

3. We were long distance and it was both of our first real relationships. I was at school 400 miles or so away from him.

 

4. Things were PERFECT, the only issue was the distance. The kid was so in love with me and everyone always told me about how in love with me he was and it was so cute.

 

It started out being long distance. Those are usually doomed to fail, because you don't know the person. All the little details that can make or break a romance are a non factor when you can't see the person face to face. When you finally do hook up, those details outweigh everything you said or felt prior to the physical encounter.

 

In addition, it was the first time for both of you. Inexperience leads to all sorts of mistakes, which is normal. But it's hell when things get rocky, because your heart isn't ready to handle it. In this case, reality has blindsided both of you.

 

You and your ex need to come to an agreement to stay away from each other, just so you can sort things out and clear your head. That's the bottom line. If you both decide to make another go of it, at least you can do so with a fresh perspective. Right now you're still afflicted by the bad aftertaste of love gone awry. Time apart without any contact is what you need most.

[teethbrushes]

the staying away from each other is tricky because we have a class together and are involved in social functions that overlap each other. I am still of the mindset that I was here first and if he can't handle it, he should have or still should look elsewhere. He will be at that school for 2.5 years after I leave, so he still has time.

 

Also, our relationship was long distance, yes, but it didn't start out that way. We were together and then I left and it became long distance. We broke up while I was at home over my illness which he didn't know about until recently, he just thought he didn't get to know me sufficiently and the real me was lazy, which turned out to be a gross misunderstanding.

 

See? I told you I wasn't the ONLY one here having difficulty letting go. I think its clear we both are.

 

As for another go, I think I've pushed him really far away when I was over him. And now, i'm not convinced things would be better a second time...as in i'm not convinced we'd have a relationship similar to the first one. The first one was so incredibly intense...unlike anything i'd ever felt before or have since.

[westernxer]

He definitely didn't do himself any favors by switching schools to be near you. Did he tell you he was doing so, or did he just spring it on you at the last minute? Did you encourage him to do so in any way, shape, or form?

 

By the way, hope you're feeling better now.

[teethbrushes]

He never told me, no. He told me he assumed I wouldn't care since i had told him i had moved on. I heard from a friend and he confirmed it.

 

I encouraged him when we were dating, but after we broke it off, we didn't speak for a long time so I definitely didn't have a hand in it there. In fact, I probably would have DIScouraged it, knowing the size of our school.

 

I think we're both mixed up. I don't think its just me who's having a tough go of this.