jennam1 Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I have been dating this guy for almost 2 years now. He has another girl friend. He lives with her and her family. We work together and also go to school together, so we see each other all the time. We go off every weekend. He doesn't ever do anything with her. He says he wants to move out, but the thing is he doesn't have enough money. We both work part-time and go to school full-time. So money is very limited. The thing is, it will be another 2 years before either of us graduate. This means our situation won't change until then. I want to hang on to our relationship until he is able to move out, but 2 years is a long time. I don't know what to do.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Mandy's advice makes sense. Why not move in with you? You could pool resources and live in a reasonable place together. If he is so stuck, offer to call his girlfriend and let her know what is going on so that he can be freed of this horrible situation he is in. Makes sense, eh? Here's why it won't work like that so simply though. It will take a further, stronger approach. He has his cake, and gets to eat it too. He has the best of both worlds right now and you condone it - so why would he willingly give up what he technically doesn't have to? You want some action? Knock his ass off that comfy fence he is perched on. Tell him that you are going to be the ONLY woman, not the OTHER woman - then let him know that you love him but that you are not going to do this anymore. Then, go to 'no contact'. Solid 'no contact'. No phone calls, no emails, no IM's, no letters, nada. He will play the "poor pitiful me" card and use every excuse in the book - but if you don't let him, he can't do that. He is not allowed to contact you AT ALL until he has broken up with this girl and has made arrangements to move out. If you like, give him thirty days - no more and no less to do this, and if he hasn't - then go to 'no contact'. If he wants to be with you, he will be. A man will do whatever is necessary to hold on to the woman he wants to be with. He will let the one go who is easiest for him to let go. The kicker is, is that you have to accept that if you walk away like this there is a very good chance he will simply let you walk and continue to hold on to the girlfriend that is easiest to hold on to. Do you value yourself? Show him how much you value yourself by refusing to be his other woman. Show him that you are worth the cost of the relationship by demanding to be the ONLY woman. Perhaps he will begin to value you more after that and come running after you. Who knows? You have to knock him off the fence - and take the chance on which side he will fall down onto.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Looking for another opinion Okay, but I hope you're not bothered by honesty … particularly since it seems you're not accustomed to receiving any lately: If some freeloader told me s/he was blatantly using another person for the sake of convenience, the last thing I'd be considering is setting myself up to be their next meal ticket. The obvious lack of decency and character this guy projects would be enough to raise the hair on my neck and send me jettisoning in the opposite direction. I might feel differently if this guy and his girlfriend were officially broken up but agreed to their living arrangements out of necessity. But clearly, he is leading both of you young ladies on with his underhanded lies. What I find most comical is that he isn't even very good at it. Both of you ladies are just very naïve …or perhaps in denial. Here's how it looks from the outside looking in: Somehow you've landed yourself a human parasite who finds it perfectly acceptable to reap personal rewards by taking advantage of (and betraying) the people who trust, love and took him in. And even knowing that, having been TOLD as much, you've still found a way to convince yourself that you are either immune or above being used by someone like that in the same way. How did that happen (???) My opinion is that you should stop "hanging on" … and shove him off the "cozy fence" right into the cow patties. Then again, maybe for some reason which eludes us, this loser may be the best someone like you can ever hope to land (???) Some people have no choice but to settle for whatever comes along, so it's unfair to begrudge them of what little contentment they might find. Depends on YOU. So what kind of guy does Jennam think she's worthy of? :confused:
Author jennam1 Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 He can't move in with me because I live with my parents. And they wont let him move in. Also there isn't enough room for him and his son.
Hopefulove Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 Are You sure he wants to move out? I realize money is an issue, but you said he lives with his other girlfriend, are you ok with that? and for that long?
goingforgold Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 jennam1 - cant he get a part time job somewhere and the same with you so u can afford to get your own place. There is always some way out of the sitaution. But are you sure he really wants to move out? I had a situation with one of my ex's years ago - he was still at school, as was I, and he was forever complaining about how he hated living at home, his parents we're controlling, he got on my nerves it was the same thing day in and day out. I actually got the paper and would circle places that i thought we're suitable to him, and he would always say he cant afford, but when he finishes school he will move. Then one day his dad came to my place and went off at me for trying to take their son away from them, and i blew my stack and told his dad about all the whinging he is doing to me everyday...... His dad was shocked that he was so unhappy.....ended up he was unhappy with me and crapping on all day, needless to say, that r/ship ended that day and was i glad!! I know ur situation is different, but the reason he wont want to move maybe the same.
nextel Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 If he really wants to move out, he will. I am sure he has friends that would let him move in until he gets on his feet. The reason he is not moving out of the place where he is staying at is because he is enjoying things the way they are. If a man has to move into another woman's house to get away from a woman, then his is nothing but dependant on women. Be careful, all he is doing is just trading water.
Leid Posted November 26, 2005 Posted November 26, 2005 He sounds like a freeloader and one who is codependent on women, as nextel says. I agree w/ that. Men like that, imo, are losers (of course, there are situations where REAL men in serious rlps or on their luck, such as a job loss, are in similiar situations, but they WON'T stay in such situations for long. I'm not talking about them... Two years is proof this guy's user) In all my years of living single and unattached, I'd never considered a man moving in with me. I'd move in with him, but I'd never done that either. Independence is a life-saver, esp. for young women. Stay smart. Let him visit, but don't put out a towel for him in your bathroom. You've been warned... Leid
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