I'm new here and please tell me that I'm doing the right thing (really long, sorry)

[StupidGirl]

Hi. I'm totally new here and I am soooo happy that I found this board. It really does make me feel so much better to know that there are people that are in the same situation I am in. That said, here's the VERY short version of my story:

 

Met MM in college (several years ago) and we dated a couple times. Nothing long term, just went out. Years went by and we both were recently suckered into doing an event at our old school. We engaged in smalltalk, exchanged business cards and said we'd do lunch sometimes. I honestly thought nothing of it. Several weeks go by and he e-mails me about lunch. We go to lunch and immediately want to see each other again later. So, we meet up and talk for hours and hours and hours. He apologizes for what happens in college, says he wants to take care of me, and all kinds of other really, really wonderful things. He truly is amazing.

 

Well, to kind of make a really long story a little shorter, things progress relatively quickly in this "relationship." As of today, this has been going on about 2 months. We talk all the time during the week, but on the weekends, we don't talk or anything. After a few weeks, he asks me how I feel about him and if it was just physical. He tells me that it's not just physical for him, that he would do anything to be a part of my life, he wanted to earn my trust, and that he wants to be with me. We have very intense feelings for one another. We both think that being together is something that we want and that we will be absolutely incredible together. I really think we would be. We agree that we don't have to do anything right away, but that we would not maintain the status quo indefinitely.

 

This is just so frustrating for me. So, yesterday after not hearing from him for DAYS (because he is presumably with W), he e-mails me first thing yesterday morning. I was livid at that point. We end up going to lunch and he says that he knows why I'm upset and that he can't blame me. We don't talk about it much at lunch, but in the afternoon we talked about it a little more. I told him that I don't know how he feels, what he's thinking or what his intentions are. He tells me that the "situation is complex", he has already told me how he feels, and that he doesn't know what he intends to do (I guess that's where the complexity comes in). He never bad-mouths W, says he cares about her (not that he loves her -- which, to be quite honest, how could he?!!), and that although there are "problems" he is not being treated poorly.

 

He recognizes that he's not being fair to anyone involved, says he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he's depressed because of the situation. He says that he cannot always do what he wants or needs to do because he's not in the same position that I am in (I'm in the middle of a divorce). So, yesterday he tells me that he wants us to continue. And the weird part was, I was kind of relieved when he said that. But, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. So today, in a ridiculously long e-mail (about a page), I told him the following (this is only excepts of the e-mail):

 

----------God knows, I want you to give me what I need. But, I also recognize that I need so much more than you are willing or able to give me. I need more than the few hours a week you allot to me. Please don't think this is easy for me, because it is not. I am so torn. Part of me wants to settle for whatever you can give me right now. I keep telling myself that you're just doing the best you can, you do care about me, and if you could do more you would. And I loathe myself for rationalizing it and making excuses for you. It's so dumb. Then the more logical, grounded part of me says, what the hell are you doing? Stop this ridiculous charade right now. If he really cared about you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't do this to you.

 

If being with me is something you really wanted to do, you would take care of what you need to take care of, right? In the meantime, you need to figure out what it is that you want in life. It's something that everyone has to do at some point in their lives. You need to address whatever issues you have that do not involve me. If you want to work on your marriage and try to make it work, then that is what you should do. But, you cannot do it half-assed -- you must be committed to making it work. And, you will have to figure out/face the real reason(s) behind why you cheated on your wife and work through those issues with her. I know that you are very confused and conflicted. I know that this is hard on you. But, regardless of the decision you make, you need to take a definitive stance and own your decision.

 

You were absolutely right when you said that it wasn't fair and that you're being very selfish. You have been very unfair and extraordinarily selfish. You cannot escape those realities. On one hand, I hate myself for telling you how I feel about you, but on the other, I am glad that you know how much I care about you. Is this difficult? Absolutely. And I realize that I am going to hurt, no matter what. There's nothing that you or I can do to change that now. Hindsight is always 20/20. I do want to be with you, but I am not going to allow you to continue hurting me. I figure that when and if you're ever ready to be with me, you will let me know. But, I cannot and will not sit here only having a small part of you hoping that we will be together one day.

 

Whatever decision you make, I will still respect you and your decision -- but, I only ask that you make an actual decision -- either way. I want you to be happy. I really do. You deserve to be happy. But, so do I. And, although I am very happy when we're together, those times are too few and far between. The holidays are coming up and they are stressful enough without the kind of stress and angst we both are experiencing right now. Please know that I will always be here for you if you ever want or need to talk about anything -- anything at all. I miss you already... ---------------

 

It's almost like I don't even know what to do now. I feel so much better now that I have sent the e-mail. My basic thinking is IT IS TOTALLY UNFAIR FOR YOU TO HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO AND I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. Of course I have not heard anything from him yet, I just sent the e-mail late this afternoon. I would think it would take him awhile to digest everything that I said. I would think that he would respond in some fashion, right?

 

I wonder whether I did the right thing. Am I being too impatient (it's only been like 2 months)? What do I do now? What should I expect to happen? I just don't know. I feel like it's the right thing to do because he really needs to make a decision. It's not fair to me and it's not fair to W. I don't want to waver, but I'm afraid that I might. Any tips, advice, help, anything?!!

 

So, Hi everybody and I am soooo sorry that this is a mile long. Thanks!!!

[scarletletter]

I think that you did the right thing. I wish I had enough courage to do the same thing. I also know that if I gave my mm an ultimatum, he would not appreciate it at all because of the fact that we both knew up front what the situations were and that he was not planning to leave until kids were grown, etc. I am so deeply in love with him now that I cannot give him that choice to make because I will lose whatever time I get with him. I know he loves me too..and we are in this situation because we chose to be. I guess that what I'm saying is if you knew he was married going in, did he tell you that he had plans of divorce or that he wanted you as an enhancement along with the marriage. I know that I cannot make demands, nor do I really want to right now, its been four months for me. I still believe that you did the right thing because he is telling you things that make you believe he is going to be with you. In my situation, we are very careful about talking about the future together. We both know what we want in the long run, but no promises are being made yet. Now is the time for you to stick to your guns and let him know that you mean what you say. Its really tough....hurts like hell...but you seem very strong and I think you should stay that way.

[newbby]

you definetly did/are doing the right thing.

if you allowed the a to continue any longer he will lose respect for you.

you just hgave to stick to it now! else you wont be a woman of your word.

[cherrie498]

You are doing the right thing!!!! Trust me when I say that the sooner you make the decision to be strong & put yourself first the better!!!

It is hard to walk away, but think of the long run- how many Thanksgivings, birthdays, ect do you want to go through feeling like this!

Best of luck to you!!!

[newbby]

it is actually the ONLY decision really. either way you win or at least dont lose. if it pushes him to tie up his old relationship and start properly with you, or if it brings his real priorities to light and they arent you.

[SpringDale]

Fear not - you're doing the right thing. And if you sent that msg 2 months ago, believe me -you're not being impatient.

[StupidGirl]

Thank you ladies for all of your advice and encouragement. I really, really appreciate it. I know that it's the right thing to do, and although it's difficult, I know, but in the long run I will be much happier for making this decision now rather than 6 months or a year from now. Thanks again!!

[Leid]

you're a smart girl for giving up that loser... sounds like the typical guy who goes back to the girls in high school/college for old times' sake..

 

hey, how do you know all those posters are ladies, anyway?

[StupidGirl]

Thanks Leid. And, I don't know that all of the posters are women. But, I have read some posts and know that some are. It's funny that you asked that because as soon as I posted my response I was thinking the same thing!! Sorry if I offended anyone. Thanks.

[Sami_D]

Hello. First of all. Why are you calling yourself Stupid Girl..? You just did exactly the right thing. But you are worried about wavering, so I'm going to answer this fully, so that you hopefully won't.

 

First of all... what does he say:

 

"he wants to take care of me, and all kinds of other really, really wonderful things."

 

"He tells me that it's not just physical for him, that he would do anything to be a part of my life, he wanted to earn my trust, and that he wants to be with me."

 

"He says he doesn't want to hurt me."

 

Well that's nice... but as you have found out, these are just words. And you are already getting hurt. And there is worse to come:

 

What's he going to do?

 

"He tells me that the "situation is complex"... and that he doesn't know what he intends to do."

 

"He says that he cannot always do what he wants or needs to do."

 

Well there you are... he wants to do the things that will turn this into a R that works for you but... he "can't"

 

He's already told you what's going to happen if you continue to see him... nothing. But just in case you're not certain at this point, here's the real telling thing:

 

"He says he cares about W... and that although there are "problems" he is not being treated poorly."

 

If he cares about his wife and he's not being treated poorly... then he's more or less accepted the position and isn't intending on doing anything to change that. This is a big red flag that he's basically OK with his M, whatever he says to you.

 

As you quite rightly said:

 

"If he really cared about you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't do this to you. If being with me is something you really wanted to do, you would take care of what you need to take care of, right?"

 

And...

 

"I figure that when and if you're ever ready to be with me, you will let me know."

 

Exactly the right thing to say. OK... on to your specific questions:

 

"I would think it would take him awhile to digest everything that I said. I would think that he would respond in some fashion, right?"

 

My guess is that he'll leave it a little while, then respond not very directly (he's already been evasive with you in that conversation after the unexplained absence... that will be a pattern with him).

 

"I wonder whether I did the right thing."

 

Yes, you did absolutely the right thing. Everything you've told us about him gives me the creeps. He's just trying to see what he can get out of you without making any effort himself.

 

"Am I being too impatient (it's only been like 2 months)?"

 

Well you're already dissatisfied. You're not forcing him, or even asking him, to do anything. You're just telling him how you feel and that you don't want to continue with this situation. What he does is entirely up to him.

 

"What do I do now?" "What should I expect to happen?"

 

If you stick to your guns he'll probably try to talk you out of it in some way, or hope that you change your mind and call him.

 

Don't give in.

[StupidGirl]

Thank you so much for your post. I appreciate your candid honesty, and with you being that "someone on the outside looking in", what you say makes PERFECT sense. It will be hard, but hopefully I will not cave in!! Thanks again.