melz3 Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I am in a long term relationship with my partner and we live together in the house we recently bought. Our relationship is very normal, we get along, he treats me well and we love and care for each other. The problem is, despite how wonderful our life is, I am not happy in the relationship and I feel like I have made a mistake in buying the house togeather. My partner suffers from social phobia, a condition that makes it very difficult for him to go out and socialise. The condition results in him becoming physically sick in social situations. We have sought help regarding this problem, however it was not effective. I am an extremely social person, and I love to go out, to have friends around for dinner and to meet new people. Since I have been with my partner, I have curtailed the amount of time I spend sociallising, and I have found this to be extremely isolating and lonely. The worst part of this condition is the way my partner handles it. He sees it as a reflection on himself and he gets very depressed about it. Also he gets extremely jealous of me, and unintentially makes me feel so bad about been able to have a good time that I find myself not enjoying social outtings. I am wondering if this is the end of our relationship, or should I contiune to try and make it work. I really am at wit's end, and I have been told by my partner he needs a decision from me within a month. I don't know what to do. I am worried that if I leave him he would get quite depressed. I would hate to think the consequences of that. I also worry that maybe he would not find someone else because of his condition and it really makes me sad to think that a wonderful guy like him should have to suffer because I am not happy. Any advice
MnkyGirl Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 How much have you two done to research his condition? I have a friend with a social disorder as well. He has tried different types of medication in order to get it under control...after a year of switching and trying new things he found one that works. He can now go out and have a drink or relax a bit in a crowd. It took him a long time to be able to figure out which one works best for him but he is very happy he figured it out. He can have a life now. You leaving him because of a condition is your choice. If you do leave him, you can't worry about his depression or what will happen, it wouldn't have anything to do with you and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. You can't have guilt for leaving him. If you two want to be together and have fun and love each other than do it, stand by his side and help him get better. Read marriage vows....they are for Sickness & in Health...if you two love each other enough then these types of things wouldn't break you up. If you are unhappy and don't think you see yourself with him in the future don't drag it on and leave...the question to you leaving or not...the answer is in your heart and it is up to you and how you feel, no one can tell you what path to travel...think long and hard about what would make you happy and then do it...
Outcast Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 This will only work if he gets help to deal with your having social contacts while he stays at home or else, like MnkyGirl's friend, continues to seek treatment that will allow him to participate in social events. If socializing is important to you, eventually you will suffer if you stop doing it, particularly if you do so unwillingly so you have to find a solution that allows you to get that need met.
lottie Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 When you have a partner who is sick (particularly one who is depressed) your first job is to keep yourself happy. That means that you need to keep on socializing, and your husband needs to stop being jealous about it. Sounds like you could use a good marital counselor to find out how to balance your needs and his.
Melz3 Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Thank you for all your replies, advice from strangers seems to help more than advice from people close to you at times. The truth is, we tried different types of help, read every book, saw professionals. However, ultimately, the change has to come from my partner, and in the end he is unwilling to admit there is a problem, and unwilling to do anything about it. He tells me that he is not going to change, and that I need to accept him for who he is. It makes me so angry when he gets so depressed about it, and complains so bitterly, but in the same sentance tells me that there is nothing that he can do, that he will always be like that. I do not want to lose him, as I love him very much, but I see our life as it is now, and I realise that I do not want to be living like this in 20 years time. I am tired, and I am sick of having to deal with this problem. Sometimes I feel like to am going to break down, but unfortunately, I can't, because if I am unhappy, it becomes a reflection on my partner, and he ends up more depressed and I end up more stressed and upset than before I started. Although we are not married, I guess in accepting our relationship and buying a house together, I have agreed to love him in 'sickness and in health'. Is it horrible to now go back on those vows. I do not want to hurt him by breaking up, and I am not positive that I want to end it. However, by the same token, I do not want our lives to pass five, ten years down the track and for this issue to come up again.
lottie Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I don't think you should consider yourself stuck with this person, if he's not willing to even try to support you in what you need. It's a tough situation, because on the one hand, it's true that you do have to accept that he has social phobia -- that he will *never* enjoy the same things that you do. So he's right that in a certain sense he won't change, and you have to live with that. HOWEVER, he should not be able to use his condition as an excuse to not change the things that ARE in his power. For instance, he needs to stop guilt tripping you about socializing -- that is certainly entirely within his power to do. Another thing that bothered me about your last post is the clear sense that you have subordianted all your emotional needs to his. You feel like you "can't break down" because that would upset him. Sweetie, this is not a way to live -- he may have mental/emotional problems, but he should be able to support you in your weakness and difficult times too. Do you really want to be his caretaker for the rest of your life? You say that you feel like you are already committed to him "in sickness and in health" although you aren't married. Unless you legally can't get married (ie, you're gay) then I would ask you to consider why exactly you haven't made that step to getting married yet -- and what this means. Fact is, for some good reason, you HAVEN'T committed to him yet. You are free to go. Finally, don't be so worried he'll never find anyone else if you leave. It could be that in fact your relationship is keeping him in a rut, and he'll progress if you leave and make him face up to reality.
kjdriver Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 I was officially diagnosed with the same thing. Social Anxiety. It was ruining me and hard on my partner. Finally I gave the medication Paxil a chance and I am telling you I had a job within a couple months, I became more independent and totally did a 180. Sometimes medication is the only way. If he is willing to try the meds then give him a chance to see how he ends up in the end. It worked wonders for me. I go out all the time now and no one who runs into me can tell I have this disorder. My friends say it is night and day. I am outgoing, fun and confident now. Let him read this post and mayby he will see that it isn't him. His brain is just seritonin deficient. Not his fault.
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