AltplanB Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I know its over and even if their is a chance, it won't be until i move on emotionally. Until that time, i cannot hold out any hope and i have been left with my own depression and time to ponder. I did everything i could to make it work. I worked so hard to keep things alive. I know i was trying to hard and she moved on almost immediately. Now i have to move on too, but how? whats the best way to control this emotional rollercoaster that i can't control? I am a smart, tall, college rower at Sonoma State with so much going for me and all i want is her back. I would quit school or move over there if she would just ask. Shes wrapped me around her and i love her and i can't stop her from sleeping with other people and falling in love all over again. Ive lost my best friend, my love, my bed. Now i must learn to cope. I have come up with three ways to go about this, each with there own negatives. First i could drink until the pain goes away. Im turning 21 really soon and that could be an option. Second, i could go numb and not fall for anyone for years, maybe never. I could just focus on lifting. Third, i could fight tooth and nail and wait as long as i can and just wuss my way to getting her back, no matter how hard. What to do, what to do? I am really at a point where all i know is that i will be depressed for a long time with no other certain future.
Author AltplanB Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 I have serious ups and downs. I can be talking with people and having fun, then ill realize that although she was nice about it, she ****ed me over and be angry at her, which makes me feel better. Then other times ill just be sitting in class and ill almost come to tears because i miss her so much. I miss everything about her. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh. The way she would say my name. All i can do is miss her and there is nothing else. I can't solve the problem, i can't make it work. Its over and it kills me. She emotionally used and dropped me. She one day up and lost her feelings and then moved on like that. The next thing you know im on the side of the road and she picks someone else up before i am out of her rear view mirror. This is terrible. This is unbearable. Did she really have all those feelings for me or did she just believe she did. WHY would she say that i am wonderful, tell me theres nothing wrong with me, leave me, and then start hooking up with other people (that i know). one week. one week is all it took from the end of our relationship till the time she made out with another guy. My friends say he sleeps over at her place now and that to hold out no hope for her. I believe that she couldn't just drop me like that. Not after that i have the things that i have been there for her. I cannot believe that she would be this cold. At some point she must realize what she has done and come back to me. You don't leave the nice guy with nothing wrong with him, you covet him. All i think about is what more she coulda wanted from me or what more could i of given her and in the end, all i see is that i gave it my best shot. Theres no regret other than i couldn't make it work, even though i was working WAY too hard. I wish she had made more effort, then i wouldn't be going through this. I wish she would contact me and tell me that she misses me and that this guy means nothing to her. I wish she wouldn't run out and fall in love quickly so she can forget about me. My wishes and my hopes are not going to amount to anything i know as even if she does change her mind about me, she will feel that i have gone through enough, and that it would be best to let me get on with my life. She feels that she has plagued me and that our relationship was not the best for either of us, but i don't feel that way. What am i supposed to do with all these questions and this huge amount of pain? I can't function and even when im in the best of moods, its shattered by the slightest of reminders of her and when you have every aspect of your life revolve around someone, that makes every object a means to be rememberance. Everyday i feel that i am getting better and than worse. In the end after all the pain and all the hatred and all the questions, all i want is to be with her again. I miss her so much and to be with her would make me the happiest ive ever been. SHe was my first love and now shes gone. i can't handle all these emotions, i can't handle not having her be mine.
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