Facing facts

November 22, 2005

I have just read the post by INSYNC and have also came to realise the cold hard fact that my ex is definitely over me and unfortunately has moved on. Its hard.....but there is absolutely nothing I can do. I am trying to focus on positive things right now, I have been to hell and back and its a struggle. If I could change things between us I would........I cant. I have to stop beating my head against a brick wall. We had some wonderfull times, but its the end of an era. He no longer loves me and is no longer going to be there for me.

I have always wanted to go to university, but because I met my ex and got the house and settled down I didnt. I am in the process of applying at the moment and really want to go next year. I need to get up and move on. I am not going to be happy until I get out there, paint the smile back on my face and get on with things. I would do anything to get the ex back but anything I do is not going to be good enough and I refuse to sit about wasting my life, wishing, wanting and waiting for that to happen, because it never will. I am feeling a little positive about things right now and only hope that I can find love again, because it is obvious its never going to happen with my ex no matter how much I want it too.

A friend of mine was talking to me this afternoon. He went with a girl for 6 years and she left him for someone else. He said it was the hardest thing he had to go through in his life but he came out a stronger and better person for it in the long run. I am not going to give up on life, I am going to try really hard to focus on the positive things in life, they are there........they are there for all of us. I have just been watching the news and a little boy of 8 has just been killed in a traffic accident, you know things like that kind of put things in perspective. Can you imagine what his family must feel like today? Also my nana who is 82 right now. She lost her husband 5 years ago. Can you imagine what she must have felt like? On top of all that she got meningitis and a brain tumor. She now lives alone. Shes old. But you know what she survived through it all, she laughs, she jokes and she carries on despite the fact that she doesent have a rosy future ahead of her, she is grateful for what she has.

I am 28, I am attractive, intelligent and have a lot to offer somebody, I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. All I can do is try, you only live once and to hell with sitting there wasting my precious time falling apart wishing one person would love me. Yes there will still be hard days ahead, christmas is going to be awful!! I think he has found someone else already, this kills me but only reinforces the fact that he is over me. I am not going to dwell on it. I have laid in a heap now for too long. I will pick myself up, bit by bit, day by day. Millions of people go through this, have been through it and millions more will continue to go through it. I will not give up and neither should any of you people out there who are going through this. Be strong.

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.'

AMEN TO THAT

November 22, 2005

You go!! That's a great plan, for university. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction - moving on, and moving up.

Now if I would only take my own advice, and do the exact same thing...

November 22, 2005

that is a great thread, you need positive things like that, and you need to learn how to be happy on your own, i know it will be hard, i my self cant bare to think about what i will be feeling like later also.......but the point is life does go on, people face more traumatizing things,

i will come to this and read this alot, because there are times when i just want to cry forever, and ever...even though i am 11 years younger than you the pain is still HARSH...i have my hole life to live.....

the sooner you get up, the soonner you can move on from this.......

maybe in a cuple of months, or maybe a year you start dating! hehhee

November 22, 2005

Well I tell you, your right but it's not easy. Today Im having a really crappy day probably most in part because Im sitting at home alone. It's not good because it's giving me too much time to think about her and things. It's sunny out and I know I should be out somewhere yet I find myself here dwelling on something I had and have no control over. Im here because she watned me here and she wants to be there and nothing I say or do can change things but it's extremely hard to accept. I've had some really good days but then days like today everything just doesn't hold any light. yesterday was ok, I got out with a friend for a chat and worked, got my mind off things but then today... well almost everything that I looked forward too in the near future yesterday doesn't interest me today... Im just feeling really down.

November 22, 2005

I wish i could be as strong as you are. I spend every minute of everyday contemplating what lead her to break up with me and how i could of done things different. Everyone, including her tells me that it had nothing to do with me and that i did everything right, but then their must of been something that i could of done to keep her from leaving me and then just going out and finding someone else. Moving on is harder when you don't understand the why, only that it is.

November 22, 2005

consumed: Sorry to hear your having a bad day, I know exactly how it feels and its not nice. Im sure Ill have plenty more myself. There are times I just feel like breaking down and Im overwhelmed with sadness and its unbearable. Your right it is not easy, hardest thing Ive had to go through in my life.

Altplanb: The reason I got was he dont love me no more. I have spent days tryin to working out why and what I could have done differently and regretting things and just hoping he would give me another chance. Phoning him and asking, was it this, was it that, was it the other. He says its not my fault, nothing I have done and feelings just change.

Fact is he is gone and not coming back. He would like to remain friends though as he likes me, he just dont love me. Who knows??

November 22, 2005

I wish i could be as strong as you are. I spend every minute of everyday contemplating what lead her to break up with me and how i could of done things different. Everyone, including her tells me that it had nothing to do with me and that i did everything right, but then their must of been something that i could of done to keep her from leaving me and then just going out and finding someone else. Moving on is harder when you don't understand the why, only that it is.

AltplanB

You are as strong as anyone else if not more on this thread. If you are writing on this thread, and waking up everyday..guess what you survived. Ok, this is rough as hell..but you survived. As I wrote on another thread, your ex, has checked out before she told you. And if she found someone else that just didn't happen so quickly. That's what we are not facing. Their exit stragedy has been in the process long before we caught on... we were taken by surprise. And another fact here: they didn't want to tell you it was your fault because they had no desire for you to fix it. Your ex wanted out. That being said, as a survivor we have to take back our power. Who cares why she left. In the end, why would it make you feel better. If you were a wonderful person and she still left, what more could you have done. And if you were a creep, she doesn't want to go back to what was a bad situation.

I'm hoping you were the wonderful person type...so my heart feels for you, but now is the time to face facts about her moving on. WHICH MEANS YOU MUST NOW BUILD YOUR SELF IMAGE UP AND LET HER GO.

I'm only speaking from experience..and now I'm fed up with my own suffering. My ex doesn't give a damn about me...and s*** that hurts, but we can't make them appreciate us..and obviously if they prefer to physically be with another why WHY TORTURE ourselves any longer?

November 24, 2005

Thanks for the guidance but ther are some hitches. SHe left me telling me that she just lost her romantic interest in me. All of a sudden...like that. We were in love, in love, then slice....sorry time to move on. Then she goes and hooks up with another guy a week later. She transferred her feelings for me, and i know she really cared for me just through the pain she was going through when she dumped me, to another guy that looked and sounded just like me. She tells me that she feel out of romantic love with me because of the fact that i helped her through so many problems in her life that she started to view me as a brother and not as a lover. It was terrible. I felt like i had put my heart and soul into this girl just for her to tell me that it was the reason as to why it wouldn't work. Nice guys finish last.

She told me (before we Had to go on NC) that she still thought a lot about our plans that we had made to move in together and go to the same school. I know now that those won't happen but she tells me that we can only think about giving it another shot after we have gotten over each other. Thats the kicker. I have to hold out hope for her to come back without keeping my feelings of attachment to her. This is really hard and a lot of other girls that have been trying to get with me are getting fustrated because of my inability to move on with a positive outlook on the whole thing. Advice?

November 24, 2005

AltplanB

The only advice that I can give you is this: Stay away from this girl. NC like a motherf*****r and lay off any romantic involvements. (There will plenty of time for that). I guarantee you, if you continue any form of contact with her, she's going to drag your heart through a gravel pit. And you will be given her permission to do so.

November 24, 2005

thanks for your advice. care to give a little more?

I am trying to figure out what type of person i should be in order to get over this. I'm kinda a jock with feelings. Im tall and strong and girls like me but should i just use them/sleep around? or should i just keep my distance from women? should i pursue or find someone to make me happy.

I know if i entered a rebound relationship that i wouldn't fall into love with that person. I would keep my emotional distance and instead gain satisfaction from the feeling of my needs being met. By this i mean someone likes me and i can comfort them and like them back. My favorite thing is to just hold a girl (i got two cuddle buddies already), where i fall asleep to holding them tight and protecting them. Its weird, its like i have to or i can't sleep. I dunno if thats a physical, emotional, or just instinctual need that i need to fill but it seems that when i fulfill it, i feel much better about the whole break up. Suggestions?

November 24, 2005

I`d suggest you be alone for a while. Sure, you might hook up with another girl, but you must share your views with her (i.e. you got out of a serious relationship, you want nothing serious, just fun and sex). If she`s ok with that, then i guess you could go for it.

But i strongly suggest you use this time, be single and work on your issues and needs. I mean, it sounds like you want to "protect" and "save" people (girls in this particular case). Why? Don`t you want to be protected too? Why is there the need to protect someone (ofcourse we all do that, it`s a vital part of a relationship) but it sounds like you are attracted to weak, vulnerable girls and offer them protectiong first. Don`t you want a partner that`s as strong as you are, a partner that you would protect in time of need, but also a partner who`s strong enough to protect you when you are vulnerable?

My first serious relationship i was the "protector" (but it kinda wasn`t my choice), my second (latest) LTR i was weaker than she was. I didn`t like it. Sure, it felt good knowing that there`s someone there to "take care of you", but damn it, i don`t want to be THAT dependent on someone else. I wasn`t like that before, and i`m working to get to that place now, and now i know i need to avoid those types of attachments.

Do what you feel is right... But being single is not all bad. You have time and energy to devote to yourself, to your improvement as a person.

November 25, 2005

very good points. I dunno i guess i got that sense of happiness from protecting her in bed. I just loved holding her tight. Got a message from her telling me that she is not being cold hearted and not "with someone else" but that she is dating. She seems to have moved on rather quickly and i have figured out many reasons why. She WAS tired of being dependent and needy towards me. She wanted to get out and have fun and i realize that. SHe did it at my expense but that has to happen sometimes. I just know that i will keep viewing her as someone i would want to spend the rest of my life with. Saying that, i will meet other women and have fun myself. I just need to remember the things she taught me about relationships.

November 25, 2005

Wow In Synch - this hit me like a brick:

"Their exit stragedy has been in the process long before we caught on... we were taken by surprise. And another fact here: they didn't want to tell you it was your fault because they had no desire for you to fix it. Your ex wanted out. That being said, as a survivor we have to take back our power. Who cares why she left. In the end, why would it make you feel better. If you were a wonderful person and she still left, what more could you have done. And if you were a creep, she doesn't want to go back to what was a bad situation.

I'm hoping you were the wonderful person type...so my heart feels for you, but now is the time to face facts about her moving on. WHICH MEANS YOU MUST NOW BUILD YOUR SELF IMAGE UP AND LET HER GO."

It was like having a narrator talking about my marriage/seperation/wife.

I knew she wasn't happy, but the leaving the marriage with no desire to work on it was a shocker. Boyfriend real quick...etc.

Unfortunately, I'm seriously stuck on the moving on part......13 years and three boys. Can't do the NC.

November 25, 2005

I've always had the same feelings as you AltplanB, like I have to be a protector in some way.

November 25, 2005

I just need to remember the things she taught me about relationships.

She didn't teach you anything... you learned it on your own.

Give yourself some credit, instead of putting her pussy on a pedestal.

November 25, 2005

yea the funny thing is. I feel good protecting other women in bed too. They call themselves cuddle buddies...lol. But i don't want to sleep with them. Each time im about to sleep with someone, my body like recognizes its not my ex and like totally gets turned off. its the weirdest thing.

November 26, 2005

AltplanB

My advice to you is examine the kind of man you aspire to be. Don't model your character on what everyone has been like. What do you think sleeping around is a badge of honour? Hell, men and women are doing that every second of the day and as you can gather from reading through some of the posts here...many have felt the battle scars as payment for that badge of honour. Besides let me ask you, aside from the physical is that where you feel your self esteem will rise from how many bangs you can get for the buck!? Again, take time and ask yourself what kind of man do I aspire to be? Too many guys let there manhood and character develope by watching a bad MTV video or the like of. Trust me a confident self assured man who doesn't need to bed women as an ego booster is far more sexier than a bitter anger filled guy who gets his thrills from using sex as a revenge tactic.

WhoAmI

13 years and three boys. Can't do the NC.

Yes you can NC, but your version needs to be modified. Maintain a dignified distance. With three boys, you obviously never bad mouth her in front of them, but neither do you say anything in terms of judgement or commenting other than "that's nice" about their mother. Be respectful, but there's no need to indulge her with how you are dealing emotionally. Keep it civil. Not nasty, just civil. When it comes to the boys, keep it just about them. their school, health, and happiness. You don't need to inquire anymore about her boyfriend except to know is he a responsible person around your children. This goes vice versa (being positive here when you start dating as well..but no rush..in good time dude..take care of you first.) If things get really serious in regards to separation find a nice lawyer or third party who can speak about matters. Separation will bring out nasty barbed remarks and you are above that.

November 26, 2005

She and i talked over myspace and i got many of the reasons why she left me. She is a better person than me and i envy her. I told her that i want to emulate her only if it is to just improve myself. I'm like a mildly depressed person and im tired of it. I want to have fun and get excited about stuff. I want to get involved and get motivated. I told her that i want her to give me the time to do these things and to become a better person. To get more involve in school and to do things for myself. I also want to learn to be in love and not to need it. I told her all these things and that i just want her to watch me change. I secretly hope 3 months down the line that she will see a different person, and that she will be attracted to my personality again.

November 26, 2005

Hang in there, AltplanB, and work toward your personal goals.

Btw, I hope that three months down the line, after some hard work and personal growth, that you don't give a **** what she thinks of you and that you don't give her much thought any more.

November 26, 2005

Yea that would be awesome. Only think that its gonna happen if i have a rebound relationship though. I can get ladies, i got two already... The problem is that ther just physical relationships and its really not helping me get over my ex. It's hard for me to find someone that likes my personality but i wonder if i should just settle on someone that wants to get in ma pants for the next 3 months..

Im astounded at how much im willing to go through for this person and i realize that it only stipulates how strong my true feelings are. My feelings for her were not purely physical nor based on need. I loved her for the person she was and the person she wanted to become. NOW thats hard to find.

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