Please help? I am so scared...

[overseas2004]

I am a 38 year old woman who has practically given up on the thought that I will meet someone. 8 days prior to my going to a sperm bank, I started a romantic relationship with someone that I have known for over 8 years. We do not know each other really well but go to the same church and he has been hitting on me for years. I did not do anything with him before because I was involved with someone else or lived out of the country. Now we are in the same place and things started to go.

 

To make a long story short, we have been on four dates and everything is almost fine but not quite. This makes me scared because I dont want to waste my time with something that is not going to pan out for me. So I am here asking for your advice.

 

This is what has happened. After our first date he asked to see me right away because he was going on a trip abroad for a few days. We saw each other again and I spent the night at his house (no sex). In the morning he told me he would call me prior to going to the airport but he did not call. Two days later he wrote me from his trip to tell me he was having a good time, wishing I was there. I wrote back and asked where he had been out but I got no response, even though I know he read the SMS message. He did not write back for three days and then finally called when he arrived. We saw each other the night that he arrived home. BUt I did not go home with him.

 

Then he did not call for three days. On saturday he called twice but I did not answer his call until he called a third time on Saturday. I told him I had plans for the weekend and could not go out on Saturday with him. Then i asked him to meet me for lunch on Monday. At lunch I told him that I am looking for a relationship in which I will see and hear from the person often. I told him that if we werent on the same page with our wishes and desires that it wouldnt be prudent to go on. I told him that I liked him but that I had been hurt before and really did not want to renew that cycle. He told me that he thought I should have called and that we have gone out four times on his initiative. He also said that this made him feel trapped. I said "too bad, I have to tell you how I feel and what my expectations in a relationship are". He told me that he did not much care for what I was saying. Then he asked me to go out that night.

 

At dinner we talked about going away together for New Years Eve. He said to leave the plans to him and we set the dates we would depart and leave. We went back to my place and got heavily into almost sex. In fact, it would have happened had he had condoms. After everything was done and we were hugging he told me he had to go home.

 

I did not say anything but I was hurt, and i guess my body language revealed that. He asked me to talk to him about it. I told him that I did not like that he was going home. It made me feel bad. He agreed to stay but made the comment that "how could he stay now without ending up looking like he was whipped". He did stay, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

 

YOu know I basically dont want to beg anyone to be with me. And he is already making this like I am the one who is needy. I dont like this feeling. I think its normal for me to want him to stay after we have been intimate. On the other hand I dont know if I have really given it a chance to play itself out.

 

I am so scared of getting hurt but i just dont think that the future with this guy looks so promising... Either that or he is purposefully trying to get the upper hand. Tell me what you think please....

[Outcast]

It was unrealistic to expect someone who was travelling to contact you that much - travelling can be hectic; often people are running late and just not able to honor their commitments to call, etc. So having 'the talk' after only four dates and complaining about that was strike one.

 

Seems a lot of men do stay with a woman long enough to get their jollies then go home. A lot of women don't want the men to stay. So to get on to him about that was strike two.

 

Here's how you have to approach a relationship; well, really all of life:

when something happens that concerns you, ASK the reasons behind the behaviour first - NOT accusingly. Just ask what happened. 99 times out of 100, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for why someone has done something - usually it boils down to the person not being able to read your mind and know that that particular thing upsets you.

 

Then you talk about why it upsets you and negotiate the way to approach similar situations in the future. This is two people who respect each other working as a team to solve a problem. If you automatically assume ill of hiim every time he does something, he'll be gone real soon.

[Reckless]

title of your thread was most telling and therein may be your problem.

 

The pressure seems to be on, and both pressure and fear distort a relationship and stop it from taking its natural course. The impression I got was of a woman that is forceful efficient, intelligent and absolutely terrified beyong belief. You're trying to negate that fear by 'controlling' everything.

 

But relationships do not work that way, there are NO guarantees, this thing may end tomorrow or it may be what you're looking for but if you stiffle your new relationship with demands and unrealistic expectations it's not going anywhere. You told him that you did not want to be hurt again, but saying it doesn't mean you won't be. The only way to guarantee not being hurt is to not love, to keep yourself insulated and self sufficient. If you try again you risk again and no sitting down and telling someone no to mess with you will change that.

 

You wonder if he's 'trying to get the upper hand' and I'd say probably yes. Not in the sense that he wants to exploit or hurt you but you seem to want to control and dominate every aspect of the relationship and he probably doesn't like it. Every relationship has that tango of sexual tension, that shifting and 'fitting' at the beginning but who wants a constant power stuggle after a long day?

 

You say you've been on 'four dates' - in the scheme of things four dates is nothing. Enough to know if you've got chemistry and pick up some vibes about the kind of man you may be dealing with. If he's a big pig, 4 dates is enough to tell you to cut your losses, but that's all.

 

You are a woman he has dated a couple of times, not his mother, his boss or his wife. He didn't call from the airport - maybe his battery was low, maybe he was running late maybe he just didn't feel like it! He's allowed. It's not a reflection of what kind of man he is it's a reflection of where your relationship is at the moment. And your reaction to that fact is a reflection of what kind of woman you are or have allowed yourself to become.

 

You sat this man down and told him not three dates into the relationship what you 'expected' from him but whether he said it or not there's a few things he probably wants from you. The first is not to feel berated, obliged or cornered. The second is to be with someone who is open and fresh enough to discover what they have as it unfurles and to be able to have fun along the way - do you think that describes you right now?

 

He told you how he was feeling and your response was 'too bad buster...' What if he had said the same thing? Wouldn't you have labelled him a 'dud' and moved on? What I'm trying to say is that you have to be flexible, you have to meet in the middle. Maybe he's not worth the effort but maybe the next one will be and you would have learned a valuable skill.

 

Listen, I'm a woman in her forties, time, ticking clocks and a 'past' makes us all (male or female) more warey, less 'fresh' spontaneous and less...just plain joyful to be around (we're better in bed so it may just even itself out but I digress...). But you decide what kind of company you are and how brave you can be with your heart. You can look at the world as if it's going to kick s**t out of ya or put down your agenda and boxing gloves and show a little vulnerability. It's very appealling and will probably get you the tenderness I hazard a guess you yearn ....

 

Anyway, you know what will be a good indicator of whether your relationship will pan out, if, as Outcaste said, you can discuss things, sort them out, move forward and not have fear and resentment sitting between you both when the discussion is over. If you can put the past where it belongs, have fun together and make each other feel good and valued. THAT is the basis of a good relationship.

 

So basically

 

- give it more time (if you're not sure, wait 'til you are)

- stop the control-mama thing it's opressive counter-productive and most unsexy

- learn to communicate (emphasising on the listening

and understanding someone elses pov)

oh and

-for godsake lighten up and have some fun (dating is supposed to be y'know...)

 

good luck

R

[Becoming]

Your title says you're scared, but I don't really understand what scares you about this situation. Can you elaborate more on that?

[overseas2004]

I think it is pretty obvious. I am scared of getting into a relationship again. The last one I had the man lied to me about being married and he dumped me after we had been together for almost a year. (He lived in Europe and his wife in the States). What I am scared of is getting involved again and then finding out that it wont work and having to get over someone else again.

 

I appreciate what I got from the second thread though, thank you.

[LN8840K]

if you're interested in him, why do you not answer his calls and turn him down for dates ..... I would wonder what your interest in me was if I were him ...to be honest keep up the games and this one is headed in the crapper

[overseas2004]

The reason I did not return his phone call on Saturday immediately was because he had not called me for four days. I knew he was calling to see me on Saturday but I dont believe that I should just be available the minute he decides to pick up the phone and call me for a date. I decided later that it was best to talk to him rather than play these games and so I did. In that conversation I told him that I really needed to be with someone who I could talk to and see often.

 

I dont feel that I am being needy, I think it is normal for us to see each other often. Today is Friday. I went out with him on Monday. I havent seen him since then and we dont as of 1:40 pm today have plans for the weekend.

 

I dont like this. Sorry if it seems like I want too much but I would rather have something that feels right then this. It just seems that his behavior is indicating a lack of interest. I also do not want to be disrespected. I feel that if he says he is going to call and doesnt that this shows a sign of disrepsect. And why should I answer the phone if he does not answer my messages. He clearly is reading them. So ???

[LN8840K]

I just think maybe he might be wondering about your interest as well ..... I can tell you from my view point that if .... if I called 3x ..I'm interested in going out with you and if I got rejected ( like he did ) I would start wondering about your interest and might start pulling back a bit ... maybe it's just me but you seem slightly inconsistent ...... I know its hard but relax, he may not have time to return all your messages ...but by making contact he is showing interest so just relax and dont be so scared ..... I dont think you're being needy by wanting more contact but let it happen don't try and force because people WILL RESIST everytime even if they don't want too ...we are willfull and stubborn creatures

[Luvinit]

Reckless gave some really great advice... you should seriously read over it carefully. You are going to scare him away.

[overseas2004]

I know she gave me good advice and I appreciate all your advice. In fact, I can see from his reactions that I am skating on dangerous ice here. I have attempted to compromise since then and I even sent him some message after he spent the night on Monday asking if he survived the day and etc....

 

As I mentioned he SMS-ed me on Wednessday asking that we have coffee. Today is Friday, and we have no plans to see each other as of yet. It disturbs me. I am not going to do anything about it nor will I talk to him about it anymore. But the bottom line is that I need more attention than this. And while I can go on and see how it goes. I think that this is pretty indicative of the... Im not that much into her syndrome.

 

Dont you?

[LN8840K]

Im not that much into her syndrome.

 

Dont you?

 

" do you need a signed contract for verification ? "

 

he calls you , invites you out, and you're still not satisfied

 

". But the bottom line is that I need more attention than this."

 

Then end it with him and see if that gives you the attention you need

 

or be happy with the attention you're getting now and see where it goes ...

 

I would think your attitude is blazing, and that will scare him away

 

Relax and have fun

[Luvinit]

Call him, and ask if he is free for dinner or something. Express interest without any pressure.

[overseas2004]

Ok, I will try to relax and have fun. It seems to be an overwhelming response of all of you, so I will give it at least until this trip we are supposedly going to in Hawaii for New Year's Eve. I guess there should be some bonding going on at this point.

 

I dont feel comfortable calling him though and asking him out mostly because I dont believe I could recover if he rejected to see me this weekend. Meaning I dont know if I could recover and want to go out with him again. I would rather leave the asking out to him now when he has time. I told him that when we talked, I told him that I really would prefer if he calls me when he wants to go out in this beggining phase of our relationship until we both felt a bit more secure about where we were going and what we were doing. He asked me to text him sometimes and I have already done that. Sometimes I dont get a response but I guess I can continue to let that slide for a while. Thanks for helping to calm me down guys.

 

Although I think that you guys are being a bit hard on me. I dont want a contract, I just want to feel like I am liked. I dont like being in the gray zone and I am sure no one really does.

[LN8840K]

" I dont feel comfortable calling him though and asking him out mostly because I dont believe I could recover if he rejected to see me this weekend."

 

Ok ladies this is golden ...how do you think a man feels each and everytime he pursues you and you avoid his calls and reject his date ideas then wonder why he quits calling and if he likes you.

[SuperMonk]

overseas2004, wow you got a lot of baggage, and you have told this guy that perhaps its not the right time to jump into a relationship. Usually when I get those hints, I run outta there just for my sakes and for her sakes. I hope this guy gets a clue and picks up on another woman.

[Becoming]

Overseas2004, Thanks for clarifying what you're afraid of. You're afraid this guy will treat you like the last. You're afraid you'll get hurt. Reckless pretty much said it all on that one.

 

It seems to me that you're very clear about what you need in a relationship. You need a little more certainty. That's fine for a longer-term dating relationship, but it seems a little early to be laying out your expectations for how you want to be treated. Even so, he's not treating you that way. Dating is about trying out potential mates, so if this guy doesn't feel comfortable, why continue it? Because you're afraid of ending up alone? You want to go to Hawaii? Because you think you have to compromise your needs to get a guy to stay?

 

Fear seems to be running your life. And your fear leftover from the last relationship may sabotage this one and any future ones. When you're comfortable with who you are and what you need and acting out of this centeredness, you won't need to play what look like controlling games out of fear that will just drive him away. That's my take on it, for what it's worth.

 

Best wishes.

[kitkat826]

Bottom line, you said you were uncomfortable with his behavior. I don't see that as changing. Even if you are acting out of line with your being scared and whatnot doesn't matter; I just don't think you two are a good match.

 

This is one of those things where you could put a lot of time/energy into making a mediocre relatioship...but is that what you want??

[Becoming]

I second kitkat's last post!