ThomasT Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I have come to the conclusion people stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons. However, if people choose to accept their situation by staying for whatever reason then that should also mean to shut up about it. Stop your whinning and complaining about how bad your life/situation is. Its a choice to stay or go. Stop b*tching about what your spouse or s/o has done in the past or is still doing in the present. I understand venting SOMETIMES etc, but I have seen so many people, (even here) that are so bitter they continue to moan and complain about this and that. If you're not going to leave then shut up about it. My brother complains ALL the time about how unhappy he is. That his wife did this or that. Or she wont do this or that etc. I have asked him if you are so unhappy, even after years of marriage counseling, why not just leave. I'm sure he has is reasons, and thats fine, BUT if you stay, hush about it. I'm not knocking him venting, but its ALL THE TIME. I love my brother and I feel for him but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell him to put a sock in it. No one even wants to be around him, because of the complaining he does. Maybe its for attention, maybe he wants others to feel sorry for him. Which in the past I have, but I don't anymore because he made his choice. I simply do not care to hear anymore of the crying about it. So its ok to vent sometimes, but if you continue to complain about it ALL the time you're gonna run people off, not to mention bring them down. So if you have stayed in a relationship for whatever reason, and I'm not knocking your reason, but if you stay, shut the hell up about it. Or get the hell out of it. Enough already.
JadeStar Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 WoW! You may have to just come out and tell him, "Look you made your choice to stay and I respect your reasons, but please quit complaining about your situation, you made the choice." Maybe reasure him you care etc. but his complaining is getting old. Maybe he doesn't even realize it. But there again if he does, and still keeps on, then that would be a bigger issue. Jade
Outcast Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 1. People start off falling for someone because of the good qualities they see 2. They believe that the good qualities they see at first and the good times they have at the beginning will continue 3. When they start seeing bad qualities or unpleasant behaviour, they think it's an anomaly and hope that things will 'get back to the way they used to be' and so vent about the problems There were experiments done on rats where the rats were fed something wonderful. Subsequently, the rats were given painful shocks on their way to eat the wonderful thing but they endured the pain to get to the wonderful thing. People do the same - they think the 'wonderful thing' they first experienced in their relationship is still possible so they endure the 'shocks' in hopes of getting it again. Some people realize sooner than later that the wonderful thing never existed or will never return. The people you're talking about hang on to hope much longer.
ThomasT Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Jade I may have to do that. OutCast, I agree with what you're saying. Do you think these people that hold out for hope longer, is false hope? Meaning do you think they are in denial about the relationship thats its possibly over but they hang on anyway?
lilmoma1973 Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I have come to the conclusion people stay in unhealthy relationships for various reasons. However, if people choose to accept their situation by staying for whatever reason then that should also mean to shut up about it. Stop your whinning and complaining about how bad your life/situation is. Its a choice to stay or go. Stop b*tching about what your spouse or s/o has done in the past or is still doing in the present. I understand venting SOMETIMES etc, but I have seen so many people, (even here) that are so bitter they continue to moan and complain about this and that. If you're not going to leave then shut up about it. My brother complains ALL the time about how unhappy he is. That his wife did this or that. Or she wont do this or that etc. I have asked him if you are so unhappy, even after years of marriage counseling, why not just leave. I'm sure he has is reasons, and thats fine, BUT if you stay, hush about it. I'm not knocking him venting, but its ALL THE TIME. I love my brother and I feel for him but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to tell him to put a sock in it. No one even wants to be around him, because of the complaining he does. Maybe its for attention, maybe he wants others to feel sorry for him. Which in the past I have, but I don't anymore because he made his choice. I simply do not care to hear anymore of the crying about it. So its ok to vent sometimes, but if you continue to complain about it ALL the time you're gonna run people off, not to mention bring them down. So if you have stayed in a relationship for whatever reason, and I'm not knocking your reason, but if you stay, shut the hell up about it. Or get the hell out of it. Enough already. Totally agree!!!
Walk Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 ThomasT: Have you offered viable solutions? Gone out of your way to help him? Maybe set up counseling for him? Taken him to counseling? Found someone he could go talk to on a regular basis? A pastor, or someone? Helped make his life a little easier? Or are you only ranting because it is inconveniencing you? If he's continually ranting about it, then there's still a problem. And for what ever reason he feels he either can't find a solution, or doesn't feel one exists for his situation. If you were just an acquaintance, I could see you saying shut up and put up. But your his brother. Do more then just say "so... dump her." Or maybe you could just tell him "hey, not my problem." And walk away from him. Sounds like that's what you want anyway. My Mother continually complained about how my grandpa was suffering from alzheimer's. Should I have just told her, "oh well, not my problem the old coot is going senile." Instead, I found ways I could try to ease the situation for her. Stupid things, like cleaning her house. Helping with the yard work. Finding meetings for caregivers of alzheimers patients, and making sure she could go. When my brother is asking too much of her, I talk to him and help mediate the situation. It's your brother. Shut up, or get out of the situation.
ThomasT Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Walk, I'm not saying for him to just "dump her". Nor do I want him to be quiet about it because its an inconvience to me. What I am saying is this, I have tried to help him and his wife before. I am the one that about 4 years ago suggested the counseling and even found a good one for them, that I knew of. They did try to work on things for awhile. I have been there for him and the both of them. Its a situation I guess where you're right, he feels he doesn't know what to do. However, my point is this, if he chooses to stay, thats fine and I'm sure he has his reasons, not knocking those. My point is people have 2 choices in the matter. No make that 3. One either accept the situation and not continue to complain about how miserable you are. Two either accept it and continue to complain and make yourself and others around you miserable, or three if its not working out, move on. I understand the occassional vent etc. but NOT ALL the time. I'm not shunning him or anything. I do love/care for him hes my brother. I just have to tell him in a nice way that I care etc and that I'm here for him but that his complaining can be nerve racking. We have one other brother and a sister as well. They say the same thing basically, and that is they are tired of hearing it. Its not about turning him away, not loving him, or accepting his desions, but there does come a time when things can get old. Kind of like a broken record. I have also suggested him and his wife trying with a counselor again etc, but he says to me its not gonna change anything so why bother?
quankanne Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 sometimes you've got to make your stand, and draw a hard line with loved ones by telling them that while you feel for their situation, the only thing that will bring about change is that they change their outlook, otherwise people just aren't interested in getting sucked into their drama or listening to them wail and moan about something they keep choosing over and over. mean? probably. Tough love? Definitely!
Walk Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Saw this and thought it fit this post. Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation. - James Thurber
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