Jacque70 Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Hi all, I broke up with my ex in July. He went back and forth and finally I said I won’t deal with him anymore. At the time I felt serious about him, but he seemed so scared off, so I let him go. Anyway, after all the pain and heartache I moved on. Three or four weeks ago I started seeing someone new who I’d met at work a month before. Things were going well in my life and then my ex started calling and telling me how he made the biggest mistake of his life. He’s in another country but he sent flowers, has been calling and emailing heartfelt confessions for the past three weeks. So finally I said I’d see him, but told him I wasn’t promising him anything, just that I’d talk. I thought maybe there would still be feelings there, because at one point I could see marrying him. Now he wants to marry me, says he’ll change his plans to be with me, work it out however we can. Anyway, he flew in today after a 48 hour trip, I had dinner with him and I realized I didn’t feel the same and highly doubt I ever will. I mean I feel like we could be friends but I’m not attracted to him or have the same feelings I did before. I had made the choice to move on with my life because he wasn’t treating me like I was that great. Now I’m feeling guilty he even came. On top of that all I can think about is the new guy I’m seeing even though I decided not to factor him into my decision because we only just started dating and have no idea where it could lead. Anyway, I feel like I should tell my ex the truth about my feelings but he’ll be here another 6 days and I don’t want to totally hurt him, even though he did hurt me. But I’m not bitter, I just want us both to be ok. In the meantime, I told the new guy I was dating about my ex, that he had planed to come for thanksgiving, that we were friends, that I knew he still had feelings for me and I just wanted to be honest with him. Still, I think this might ruin things with the new guy, who I realized I have stronger feelings for than I realized, but I guess if it does, it probably wasn’t meant to be. I just had to see if my feelings for my ex were still there or I’d always wonder. I’d been in a similar situation before and appreciated that the guy I dated had a life before me and it wasn’t always simple. Anyway, does anyone have advice on how to handle things this week? At this point I’m thinking that not being in a relationship with either would be simpler. Thanks for the advice.
Tangerina Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Woah! I was in pretty much this exact situation... luckily my new guy was really really ok with me dealing with my ex and sorting all of it out... he had a lot of empathy because he had been in that situation before... but yeah, that is one to be really careful about, I almost blew it with my BF, as understanding as he was there is a limit... you have to prioritize eve if it means putting down or ignoring your ex to keep things good with your BF... because he just doesn't have the priority anymore... As far as dealing with your ex, just be honest but not too honest... tell him how you are feeling and what is going on and what you need for him... but leave out anything that is outright hurtful (it doesn't really matter anymore who said what, etc... because you are moviing on) but also don't share anything along the lines of "I miss you" or "I was thinking about you" because that ust gives him false hopes, even if it was true, because we all miss our exes for a while, but if you have decided to move on make a very clear boundary... hope that helps a bit
Author Jacque70 Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Thanks. That does help. My new bf was pretty understanding when I explained the situation to him, told me not to worry. He even stopped by for lunch yesterday, but I could tell I was a bit off key knowing I would see my ex that night. Anyway, at least he didn't give me a hard time about things. And I think you're right about the truth. I've been on the other side of this equation before so I know it hurts but in the end makes it easier to move on. He keeps blaming himself for what happened, apologizing, and asking what he can do to make things right. But now I know that nothing will make me feel the way I did before, but I don't want him to take it out on himself and I don't want to lay on any more guilt. I just want my current life back.
Tangerina Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Hmmm... that is what my ex told me to do to my boyfriend.... he didn't take it as well when things didn't go his way as the ex in this situation..... You would think that if you break up with someone you would understand why they might start acting like they are single after a few months... Jauque... sounds good in that you don't have the hounding and meanness and all that, but you might want to try NC since that's probably the only way for him really to get over you and to let you move on fully, because I don't know about you, but even though I didn't want my ex back it felt like $hit to have him be so sad over me even though I knew it was all his making, the empathy was killing me because I still cared about him, but couldn't help him because I didn't want what he wanted... in my case not having much contact has helped a lot.....
downcydeguy Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 As far as dealing with your ex, just be honest but not too honest... I disagree with this. You should be brutally honest, whether it hurts him or not. I'm not saying that you have to be a b*tch about it at all. You just have to let him know that you've moved on and are no longer interested in him. Of course he'll be hurt, but at least he'll never be able to say you lied to him. He's your ex, period. The truth does hurt, but it helps in the healing process.
Tangerina Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I actually totally agree with you downcydeguy, about telling about moving on... but the part I have found where honesty hurst more than it helps is being honest about missing them... because of course you miss them some, but letting them know can really mess with them... just my humble opinion... it also doesn't help to just get into the hurtful stuff like bringing up old fights or times in the past where they did stupid crap to you, but yeah, like downcydeguy said, be brutally honest about telling him that it is over, otherwise you leave some small cracks and he will try to squeeze through them and make life rough for you....
Scott S Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 You should be brutally honest, whether it hurts him or not. You do not need to be brutal, b*tchy, bellicose, bawling, belligerent, or any other adjectives other than Honest. Your objective is not to hurt anyone, but merely to communicate that you have entered a new chapter of your life. You do not owe him a lengthy explanation or justification. Simply make it clear that he is a part of your past, which is where he will remain. _______________________________________________ When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. When life hands you limes, make margaritas.
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