Can NC backfire?

[RomaticAhole]

My girlfriend of 2 years broke up a few months ago. The relationship was great for the first year and half, with great communication and attraction the whole nine yards ... It was perfect and so was she.

 

But I went back to school to further my career and future in order to secure a financially stable future for me and my girl. But during the time at school, I became distracted and unattentive to her due to the stress of the course i was attending. We started to have arguments over me not spending enough quality time with her. She also was upset at the fact that we never talked about marriage and that I never planned for the future. But my reasoning was that I wanted to focus on my career first so that I would be able to support her and all the good stuff that marriage cost, I wanted to give her the perfect wedding. I’m a kind of guy that doesn't always tells my emotions all the time but I thought I gave her a good explanation to what I was doing.

 

She complained that she felt lonely and felt that I didn't put her as my number one priority. At the time, yes, I must admit I felt a little smothered and I wanted some space to hang with my friends. I told her that I wanted some balance with my life and that I wanted time with her and time with my friends but she always got upset when I told her that I wanted some guy time with my friends and she would always get jealous and says that I cared more about my friends more then her. which was entirely false, I love this girl to death, but sometime I felt that time with friends apart from you SO is a good thing?

 

The arguing became more frequent and to the point where she told me that she couldn't handle it no more and that she wanted a break. During the break I did all the common mistakes, I wrote her a letter telling all my feelings for her and buying her gifts and for the first time I cried in front of her. I also told her that I wanted to marry her.

 

She was upset and asked me why did it take us being apart, for me to realize what she wanted and to finally tell her all my true feelings and everything she wanted to hear from me. She was confused and hurt and told me that she couldn't put herself thought getting hurt again by me and wanted to breakup but she told me that she still loves me and that this is too hard for her.

 

I was so hurt and this is how i found LS. I found that the most common advice for a dupee was to do NC, so this is what i did. She called quite often and didn't answer her calls and didn't chase her at all and I wanted her to miss me and take me back. After a while I answered her calls and she chatted and was really upset that I didn't answer her calls and never called her for updates. I told her that it was too hard for me to talk to her cause I still love her and want her back.

 

So after a few weeks of me not calling her she got really upset and really angry at me for not calling her back and when she did call she became really cold and selfish only talking about herself and asking me to do things for her. Also she was mad at the fact that I was talking to her good friend. But I was talking to her friend to seek advice about the whole breakup.

 

She stopped calling and told me that she wants all her stuff back and told me that I didn't give her the any respect to return her phone calls or be there as a friend. We spoke a few time after that but she was really cold, uncompassionate and showed no concern in how I was doing or feeling. It seem like she changed and was really selfish and only concerned about herself. We haven't spoken to each other in 3 months now. I figured that she is too upset and too irrational now to convince her to come back and that I would give her time to see that I only had good intentions and that I am a good person for her.

 

I still talk to her good friend but we don't talk much about her. Her friend thinks that the breakup wasn't all my fault and to try to get over her and she is too stubborn and too much pride right now to come back to me. Her friend still thinks that I am still a great guy for her.

 

Did I do the whole NC approach wrong? Did it backfire on me? Does only NC work on certain situations?

 

I feel that I didn't do the right thing and chase her and prove to her that I do care about her. That I will go the distance for her and prove that she is my number one priority. By not calling her did i send her signal that i don't really love her? I love her so much and I am so lost without her.

 

The last few months I’ve been working really hard to improve on all the things I did wrong during the relationship and really feel that they are now corrected.

 

Yesterday, was a hugh blow to me as I found out that she is now in another relationship. I am so hurt, I thought I did the right thing to give her space and time to think things through and cool down but I guess she moved on and forgot about me. It seems so fast to move on for me but I guess love can be cruel.

 

So my question for all you fellow LS members, can NC backfire? Does it only work in certain situations? Did I do NC wrong? Do you think my ex will ever realize that I was good for her and come back?

 

Thank you all for take the time to read my story and answer my questions.

 

Keep strong all of you and hang in there.

[confused696969]

I have no reponse to that, except that this all totally blows, i am in about 4 weeks long of no contact, i emailed one day and told her i dont want any contact because it hurts me to know what shes doing, especially if she tells me shes moved on and has someone else and her talking about others in her life. So i am still on NC and worried that it is going to backfire on me as well, because she doesnt call AT ALL!! So ive been thinking that either she is respecting my request of no contact and ive told her the ball is entirely in her court if she wants to get back together, with some stipulations (if she goes out with someone else we MAY be able to work things out, if she sleeps with someone else DONT EVER TALK TO ME AGAIN!!). So either that she is respecting my request or else she is finally releived that im out of her life and doesnt have to worry or concern herself with me again, she finally doesnt have to talk to me again. Its all driving me nuts, and I am angry, depressed, the whole nine yards. And then today i just saw a simple picture of her on my friends msn contact card pictures (we have lots of mutual friends, and i am now realizeing who my real friends are) and it just devastated me, and over the weekend i was depressed and thought of all the things i did wrong and wanted to call her, break NC and work on things, but now i am utterly depressed and i can sleep without dreaming and waking up angry or depressed now. Its totally ****ing with me.

 

Well sorry i couldnt help you, i just sympathize with your situation, and totally understand whats going on in your head. I just needed a good rant and release of all this emotions i had, and your topic hit me right. So im not much help, but i just helped myself...pretty selfish of me LOL!!

[westernxer]

Your ex sounds selfish and insecure, and you'll probably end up with someone better once you become established in your career.

 

Don't look back.

[RomaticAhole]

confused696969, hahah don't feel selfish ... people from all diffent backrounds all have come to LS with one commonality between us all in that we are all seeking support and advice from losing a loved one.

 

Just by replying to my post give me support.

 

Thanks brotha!

[georgiagirl76]

I understand that the psychological principle behind NC if you are using it to possibly get the person back- is to stimulate their curiousity. However, as most people on here advise, its main purpose is to help you heal.

 

Using NC to get over the ex has great results in that it allows you to heal and gain perspective and not reopen the wounds. However, using it to get one back sometimes just won't work. There really are many types of people out there and some respond to their ex's aloofness (hmm what is he up to I wonder why he isn't calling) but some who feel that their lover wasn't attentive during the relationship may not respond well to NC at all. It may only exacerbate the problem.

 

I have had success with NC in the past in stimulating previous ex boyfriend's curiousity but I also just recently had it back fire. Once my current ex did start contacting me- I didn't really show too much interest. We ended up getting together recently and talking about a lot of things. He had decided to start seeing someone else and admitted to me that he felt that I too must have moved on or decided that I didn't want a second chance since I had not really responded to his attempts to contact me. He told me that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship with this girl at first and that he had hoped that we would work things out but when he would talk to me I seemed indifferent. I am not saying that this will happen to you or anyone else on this site. I am not here to advocate calling the person or anything else. I am just offering my experience in hopes that someone my glean something from it.

 

It was hard hearing those words-because I had wanted more than anything to get back together but now I realize that the window of opportunity is closed. I didn't cry or beg or do any of that sort of thing. I told him that his happiness was paramount and that I was glad he had been able to find someone. It is hard to know that he is with someone else but I can't control that. I have chosen to heal and accept our failure as a couple and move on.

[newbby]

I understand that the psychological principle behind NC if you are using it to possibly get the person back- is to stimulate their curiousity. However, as most people on here advise, its main purpose is to help you heal.

 

Using NC to get over the ex has great results in that it allows you to heal and gain perspective and not reopen the wounds. However, using it to get one back sometimes just won't work. There really are many types of people out there and some respond to their ex's aloofness (hmm what is he up to I wonder why he isn't calling) but some who feel that their lover wasn't attentive during the relationship may not respond well to NC at all. It may only exacerbate the problem.

 

I have had success with NC in the past in stimulating previous ex boyfriend's curiousity but I also just recently had it back fire. Once my current ex did start contacting me- I didn't really show too much interest. We ended up getting together recently and talking about a lot of things. He had decided to start seeing someone else and admitted to me that he felt that I too must have moved on or decided that I didn't want a second chance since I had not really responded to his attempts to contact me. He told me that he wasn't interested in a serious relationship with this girl at first and that he had hoped that we would work things out but when he would talk to me I seemed indifferent. I am not saying that this will happen to you or anyone else on this site. I am not here to advocate calling the person or anything else. I am just offering my experience in hopes that someone my glean something from it.

 

It was hard hearing those words-because I had wanted more than anything to get back together but now I realize that the window of opportunity is closed. I didn't cry or beg or do any of that sort of thing. I told him that his happiness was paramount and that I was glad he had been able to find someone. It is hard to know that he is with someone else but I can't control that. I have chosen to heal and accept our failure as a couple and move on.

 

dont forget though, that dumpers usually feel guilty and so try to blame the dumpee alot. could be that he would not have got back together anyway and found your nc a convenient excuse. just a thought.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I understand that the psychological principle behind NC if you are using it to possibly get the person back- is to stimulate their curiousity. However, as most people on here advise, its main purpose is to help you heal.

 

Yup. I'd say that if your goal is to get over your ex, then NC is the way to go. If your goal is to get them back, 100% NC may not be the best way to go about it.

 

To get your ex back, at the very least they would have to feel that the door might be open. And that they would not be made to feel awkward if they contacted you.

[mazza32cott]

It doesn't sound as though you had NC for long. How long was it? I guess by you not returning her calls, it may have sent out the wrong messages but also seems to me that she did not disclose where the relationship was at. If she had, you may have contacted her. If she did not say whether she wanted to get back together or not then the chances are she probably didn't and in that case NC is good for your healing.

 

Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee it is hard. She may have been calling you to get over her own pain but not really wanting you back if you can understand that.

 

It is a difficult time. I guess if you really want to know if there is still a relationship possibility, you should ask her. Tell her you need closure and if she respects you and cares, hopefully she will give you that.

 

It's tough, I am going through it too and my man was a complete ars*h*le. Read my thread if you like.

 

Maz

[ReluctantRomeo]

Read my thread if you like.

 

And the reference/link would be... ?

[mazza32cott]

Here I am agian and I'm so sad:(

[RomaticAhole]

She called me last week and asked for some pictures that I had on her computer of her and her friends and I responded that I did have them and that she could get them.

 

I told her in a casual manner that it was good to hear from her and that it would be good if we could catch up over coffee or dinner to see how she's been doing but her response is that she is very busy (which possibly could be true) and that she’ll see. (How do I hate that)

 

I also told that I still care for her and still concerned her general well being, and all she responded with "I know, I know", I just don’t understand how she could be so distant and uncompassionate towards me, when we were in love once?

 

I am really beginning to think that there is no sign that she will come back and the thought of her with another guy is pain that I can't handle any more.

 

The pain is like posion that runs through my veins and consumes my whole body and I can't control it.

 

Help me ... how do I get through this?

[newbby]

you need nc to get through this, not to win her back. the wound is always fresh if you keep seeing or speaking with her, and worse if you tell her your feelings, it is like being dumped again and again and again...