Searching Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 My situation seems a little less "black and white" than others and I could sure use some thoughtful input. I am desperately searching for answers. I am in my early 40's and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have a 5 year old son whom we both adore very much. Our relationship has been rocky ever since we met.(on/off 8yrs before marrying). We both come from troubled childhoods but have been fortunate enough to recognize it- and have been in therapy for years. We have done individual and couples therapy. Despite many years of ups and downs, we have always had a deep seated love for each other that has drawn us back together and encouraged us to keep trying. I moved out a couple of times over the years and after a couple of weeks we just missed each other too much. (She tends to be hyper-critical and demanding and I can be distant and aloof burying myself in my work). I have gone through a couple of periods of rather deep depression and for much of 2004 I was very depressed. It was triggered by financial losses in my business. By early 2005, my business had turned around and I was returning back to normal- and trying hard to get my relationship with my wife on solid ground. It seemed to me that we were making some good progress in light of how awful 2004 was. Then in August I learned of her affair. Apparently she had "fallen for" a guy who is her brother's best friend and also someone I was fairly friendly with. We had socialized together as a group for a few years prior- mostly going skiing together and hanging at the beach. (Her brother is unattached and OM rarely brought his wife who is somewhat reclusive) Often times it was myself, my wife, and the 2 guys. Nevertheless, I noticed a change in the behavior between OM and my wife over this past summer and when questioned about it my wife said "we're just friends". The sh** hit the fan when I started monitoring her cell phone and found numerouse calls with OM and romantic picture messages he had sent her. I also found a letter and note from him- the last of which said "I want to tell you how I feel about you but I know I can't given the circumstances". Apparently, some time before I learned of the affair they had agreed it was something they could not pursue and needed to keep their relationship as friends only. My initial reaction was to leave the house and start planning a divorce. My therapist encouraged me to "slow down" and think more thoroughly any life changing decisions. Since then, I have thought a lot about my shortcomings as a husband and my almost complete lack of emotional availability during 2004 while I struggled to start a company. I have also considered daily life without my little boy in my home which is very painful. Despite all this, I can't seem to get over my wife's affair. She swears she's discontinued any contact with him and I have no evidence to the contrary. She says she wants to work things out with me but wants to take things slowly. She is willing to do therapy with me although she's not doing a lot of initiating there. Now, I find myself "overanalyzing" her treatment of me and feel like she has failed to fully acknowledge the magnitude of what she did. She has lost much/most her interest in sex with me which makes me wonder why. (Is she thinking about him? Is she still seeing him?) She claims that she just needs some time to get started slowly with me again. Her affection towards me seems to be hot and cold- and frankly I am in hell trying to figure out what to do. Part of me wants to stick it out for a while and try to take things slowly. However, that’s turning out to be torture for me- and I don’t seem to be “getting over” things- especially when I find her turning me away. I get so furious thinking about the 2 of them together and knowing that they were having an affair while we were all socializing together. It also makes it difficult for me to treat her with love and respect and “earn back” the good feelings we once had. At the moment, I am starting to look around for an apartment. I’m thinking of at least moving out for a while and starting to think about moving on. However, we have been through so much together and much of it has been good- great even. It seems like such a shame to throw it all away- but I also feel like she already did that when she pursued this other man. I have a lot to offer somebody and think maybe I should move on. It’s just so hard. I do love her. I love my son. My home. Has any other men had to deal with this? Anyone have the answer I’m searching for?
Tristram Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 There is a book "surviving an affair". I highly suggest reading it. I am in the same boat myself, 4 months since I found out my wife cheated. You will have to decide for yourself what to do about your relationship. What do you think will make you happier? If you decide to work on your marriage, make sure your wife is willing also. If she isnt it will just prolong your suffering, and I personally would walk away at that point. If she is then she can have no further contact with the other man period. I would inform his wife what he has been up to, I did. But that is your choice. While it will expose the affair to the complete light of day preventing it from starting again, there is a slim chance it could also free the OM to pursue your wife. Either way it will be a painfull experience that will take time to heal from, you cant just "get over it" (I freakin hate when people say that.). If you feel you need some time to yourself then do so. Nobody can tell you what is right or wrong for you to heal. I hope it gets better for you.
Author Searching Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Tristram- thanks for your kind words of support. I will get that book. I read your previous thread so I know you understand my situation all too well. I have not informed the OM's wife, but he has been informed that it will happen if there is any future contact. He is also aware of what I will do to him. I see no point in putting her through any pain and it clearly seems they have a very distant marriage anyways.
cranium Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Sorry to hear of your situation. Then in August I learned of her affair. Not much time has past since you learned of her A. This is all still very new to you. Don't think you have to be on some time table of "getting over" it. She swears she's discontinued any contact with him and I have no evidence to the contrary. She says she wants to work things out with me but wants to take things slowly. She is willing to do therapy with me although she's not doing a lot of initiating there. Now, I find myself "overanalyzing" her treatment of me and feel like she has failed to fully acknowledge the magnitude of what she did. If she has gone NC with him and is willing to resume therapy, that's a start. MW also didn't do (still doesn't do) a lot of initiating and I know what you mean about "overanalyzing". The BS always seems to be the one to do more relationship work after the A. Her world didn't change much, but your's has been shattered. She will never be able to fully acknowledge the magnitude of what she did. She claims that she just needs some time to get started slowly with me again. Her affection towards me seems to be hot and cold- and frankly I am in hell trying to figure out what to do. Again, I know exactly where you are coming from. MW said the same to me. It's been a little over a year since I discovered her A. It takes time and work to feel comfortable with each other again. I have had to work within myself to give MW the time and space she needed to feel comfortable with me again; a chance to reconnect emotionally. Her affection still runs hot and cold. One thing that has helped in that regard is taking time to take care of myself. You need to do the same. Make sure you're eating well, exercising, getting good sleep. Live at the center of your own life. Good luck.
jonesgirly Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Searching......I'm not one of the "guys" here, but the feelings of betrayal and loss of trust are pretty much universal. I will say though, that you seem to be handling things with a pretty "cool head", and aren't doing things that you would later regret. The biggest thing that jumped out to me was your wifes' lack of remorse or display of sincerely apologetic behavior. Does she realize what she has done? No matter how many times you two were crazy, depressed, whatever.............stepping over the line like she did is NEVER justified. Your statement that she indicated that she is "willing" to try therapy just didn't seem like she was all that excited for it. I don't know, just seems like someone who inflicts a wound should be a little more willing to help heal it. I'm glad you've slowed down and thought about your situation, especially with your son. It would soooo suck to have to split up over HER indiscretion, and then YOU lose the day-to-day interaction with your child. That has never seemed fair to me (not to mention the $ that gets sent as child support). You seem awfully calm to me, even though its been a few months. I discovered my husbands EA in July, and still have moments when I want to strangle him for putting us through this. The people here are really great for venting to (and with), as well as offering some VERY valuable insight and advice. Good luck and keep us posted.
Author Searching Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Nice to get feedback from a woman - jonesgirly- thank you. This is a great forum and I feel a lot better just talking about this. I will keep you updated- AND try to keep a cool head.
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Female here too. Did you tell the OM's wife about their affair? That actually could put a complete stop to any further communication between the two. I guess too, I don't understand why her brother would allow it progress (unless he didn't know about it?) and didn't encourage her to talk to you. All I can suggest to you is don't give up, if you love your wife, give her a chance to make things right again. Go to marriage counselling...Find out why she had the affair. She maybe wasn't getting a need(s) met at home and found it easier to get it from someone else. I'm betting it started off as an emotional thing, not physical... Anyway, keep posting and read afew stories by Thumbingmyway, DazednConfused and Owl. They're in this section and may have moved onto another page, but it's there.
Tiny Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 There must be a hell of a lot of us BS's out there, with me included, I finally found out about her A at the end of August, in very similar circumstances to your own. The pain of betrayal and deceit is still just as strong now as on discovery and it's with me nearly every waking hour, the first 6 weeks was indescribable torment, I truly felt as if i was going insane or already had the only real difference between then and now is that my "head" does feel a little more rational, although just as miserable. It's so difficult trying to analyse the how's, if's, but's, and maybe's, like how can she say she loves me now, more than before the A and if this is true, then did she suddenly forget who I was, What I was to her? what I meant to her, to each other. It's all so confusing. If our relationship was so bad, boring, unloving, then what has changed? If our relationship wasn't loving enough, strong enough to stop this before it happened, then just why the hell is it worth saving now? Sometimes I truly think it's just a case for the WS of "cake and eat it" until discovery. I really hate to think that, but sometimes it's the conclusion I have to come to, analyses, analyses, will it never end? like you all point out the WS in nearly every instance never seems to show any real remorse for there infidelity, yes there is a certain ammount to some extent, but I guess their never going to fully understand the true pain of there betrayal, until it happens to them, but it just seems they can never get a real insight into just how blown apart we are. I suppose if they had some inkling of how it felt they wouldn't do it in the first place and try and make more of an effort before they blew our worlds apart. God it's so difficult and I have no answers, I once read on this forum that an affair is a weak persons way of ending a relationship, but if that's the case why do some WS's want to continue after discovery? hmm cake and eat it again? anyway my friend I wish you luck in your continuing journey of this horrible sh*t we are all going through, just know that we are all with you in your misery and we all know exactly how it feels. good luck, and I wish you the best.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Speaking from the WW spouse's point of view- Sometimes they don't realize what they are doing. They get so swept up in getting their needs met that they haven't had met in a while that it's almost like a drug- they are not thinking clearly. Sometimes they get caught up in the whole thing- and then the discovery wakes them up and they truly get a handle on what they could lose. It took nearly a year past my fling that I had for me to start thinking clearly and really get a grip on what I'd done.
Author Searching Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Thanks for this input. I've decided I need some time to process this away from her and I've decided to separate. I've found a place to rent near my current home and I'm going to make the move. In a way it doesn't seem fair- she cheats- I have to move- but I'm not in a position to care for my son the way she is. I think time will tell if there's a chance for us. If I can reduce my anger and see things more clearly- who knows.
jonesgirly Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Searching - I know how you feel about needing time away from your spouse in order to sort things out. I spent one night at a Hotel (jacuzzi suite of course), and then moved in to the guest room. For me, it seemed like life just went on as "normal" for him, while my world was rocked to no end. I wanted to seperate too, but more out of anger towards him (didn't want to look at him everyday). My move to the guest room satisfied my need for seperation. I think it can be dangerous water when one spouse moves out of the house. The results can go one way (reconcile) or another (divorce), and it just wasn't a chance I wanted to take. You may feel very strongly that you need your own place to collect yourself, but realize there is a very real risk involved here. I know you're angry, but will leaving yourself alone with it resolve things for you? I totally understand your feelings because I STILL have a lot of unresolved anger. The passing of time (since July) has just made it easier to stop sending death-rays every time I see him. And there are a LOT of moments that I think maybe a seperation would've forced him to deal with this issue in a more serious manner. I guess I just didn't want to take the chance of doing more permanent damage to the relationship. You're right that it doesn't seem fair that YOU have to be the one to pack up and move, but you realize that in your situation it makes sense. I just hope that you really think about this move, and the possibility it could turn out to be permanent if one of you decides to keep it that way. I hope that individual, as well as couples counseling is involved. Good luck and keep us posted.
Author Searching Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 You make some good points - and I guess I have to sat thay I am prepared to deal with the possibility that it may not work. Divorce is not something I would look forward to- but it's not like our marriage was perfect before the affair. I might feel different if I felt a little more remorse and contrition on her part- but this "let's just move on" business is starting to wear pretty thin. If she can't appreciate the magnitude of what she did- and can't be bothered to make more of an effort to make amends- then I'm thinking I might just be better off finding someone else to spend the next 20 years of my life with. I have a lot to offer and I suspect I can find someone out there who would genuinely appreciate it. Thanks for continuing to listen
mental_traveller Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 You make some good points - and I guess I have to sat thay I am prepared to deal with the possibility that it may not work. Divorce is not something I would look forward to- but it's not like our marriage was perfect before the affair. I might feel different if I felt a little more remorse and contrition on her part- but this "let's just move on" business is starting to wear pretty thin. If she can't appreciate the magnitude of what she did- and can't be bothered to make more of an effort to make amends- then I'm thinking I might just be better off finding someone else to spend the next 20 years of my life with. I have a lot to offer and I suspect I can find someone out there who would genuinely appreciate it. Thanks for continuing to listen I think you make a lot of sense there. The fact that you had a lot of conflict before is really a bad sign, because you could spend 2 or 3 years getting back to "normal", but "normal" wouldn't really be that amazing anyway. It sounds like you should decide to move on, and stick with that decision no matter what. Don't flip-flop or be tempted to change your mind. Just move out asap, file for divorce and try to keep it as painless as possible.
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