Accidents in pants,what to do?

[tinktronik]

Hello All,

Some suggestions are needed. My son has just turned 5 and is having accidents with potty training . This is not a problem with me , but Im divorced and this is a problem with his dad. The problem as its been explained to me is not that hes having the accidents but that hes not telling anyone , and this creates a mess. I have suggested teaching him how to clean himself and making preperations in the future (such as a designated area he's to put his undies in) in case of accident. My son when I spoke to him said he dident tell his dad because hes scared to .I would imagine that if I had an accident I would be humiliated and want to deal with it on my own as well.Dad said he has tried to discuss this and the reasons why our child needs to inform with our son. And also tried praise when the younger child has accidents and informs of the accident in front of our 5 yr old.Hes now doing timeouts when he is not told of an accident , this dosent seem the anwser to me , but I would need more suggestions in order to get him to try something else.So If anyone else has had this situation what worked , and what did you find began to move you in a forward direction towards this being a non-issue?

My ex-h claims this is an issue of lying , it is not , but I will deal with that also. Thankyou and all comments are welcome.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can think of a couple of times my kid was too old to be having accidents. One time was a medical problem but the other time was more problematic emotionally - at seven she started wetting the bed, and having nightmares and it turned out that this kid at school had been grabbing her between her legs and trying to touch her and he was getting away with it (the teacher could not catch him at it but eventually she did catch him doing it to another girl). The kid was removed from the school and the problems stopped.

 

I'm not suggesting that your kid has a similar problem, but if he is having some other emotional problems they could be manifesting themselves this way. Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?

[Outcast]

Tell your husband to back off or you'll not let the child visit him. To accuse a little ashamed kid of 'lying' is not going to help and may do further harm. Tell that man that until he changes his approach, the child will stay at your place all the time.

[tinktronik]

I can think of a couple of times my kid was too old to be having accidents. One time was a medical problem but the other time was more problematic emotionally - at seven she started wetting the bed, and having nightmares and it turned out that this kid at school had been grabbing her between her legs and trying to touch her and he was getting away with it (the teacher could not catch him at it but eventually she did catch him doing it to another girl). The kid was removed from the school and the problems stopped.

 

I'm not suggesting that your kid has a similar problem, but if he is having some other emotional problems they could be manifesting themselves this way. Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?[/quote

 

Lucrezia, yes, I do think this is an emotional problem.My son when he's with me sees a therapist,and has a diagnosis of adjustment disorder.Hes had a very hard time with our divorce and identifying where he belongs.Dad has remmaried and has new children , and has moved this son around from family member to family member.I have limited rights ( b/c of the state we divorced in only allows one parent physical) but spend a large portion of the year with all of my children , due to Dads situation. I think its probably an issue of my son being afraid to go to his dad about things, but there is nothing I can do about this , I cant make him change his behavior , however , Dad will try new things if I push hard enough , (and to be honest threaten to take it to court if he does not) I know this sounds bad but I think he knows that if he does not , I would take him to court and it is just an amout of time till we end up there anyway.I do feel that this particular child is having a hard time , and have tried to get Dad to take him to counciling there too, as its really teaching families mechanisms to better parenting and I think they could all use them. But thank you , if you have any other suggestions please post them, I email and send certified letters to Dad pretty frequently , so he does (at least now) take my suggestions into consideration.

[tinktronik]

I can think of a couple of times my kid was too old to be having accidents. One time was a medical problem but the other time was more problematic emotionally - at seven she started wetting the bed, and having nightmares and it turned out that this kid at school had been grabbing her between her legs and trying to touch her and he was getting away with it (the teacher could not catch him at it but eventually she did catch him doing it to another girl). The kid was removed from the school and the problems stopped.

 

I'm not suggesting that your kid has a similar problem, but if he is having some other emotional problems they could be manifesting themselves this way. Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?[/quote

 

Lucrezia, yes, I do think this is an emotional problem.My son when he's with me sees a therapist,and has a diagnosis of adjustment disorder.Hes had a very hard time with our divorce and identifying where he belongs.Dad has remmaried and has new children , and has moved this son around from family member to family member.I have limited rights ( b/c of the state we divorced in only allows one parent physical) but spend a large portion of the year with all of my children , due to Dads situation. I think its probably an issue of my son being afraid to go to his dad about things, but there is nothing I can do about this , I cant make him change his behavior , however , Dad will try new things if I push hard enough , (and to be honest threaten to take it to court if he does not) I know this sounds bad but I think he knows that if he does not , I would take him to court and it is just an amout of time till we end up there anyway.I do feel that this particular child is having a hard time , and have tried to get Dad to take him to counciling there too, as its really teaching families mechanisms to better parenting and I think they could all use them. But thank you , if you have any other suggestions please post them, I email and send certified letters to Dad pretty frequently , so he does (at least now) take my suggestions into consideration. And knows to tow the line.

[tinktronik]

Tell your husband to back off or you'll not let the child visit him. To accuse a little ashamed kid of 'lying' is not going to help and may do further harm. Tell that man that until he changes his approach, the child will stay at your place all the time.

 

 

if only it were that simple...

[whichwayisup]

My nephews were in pull ups at 5 still. My oldest niece is 7 is still doing pull ups at night, just incase.

 

Just a suggestion. Make a DR appt and BRING your ex with you. Get the DR to talk to you both together, about how to deal with his accidents...And what each of you can do to help him. Getting pissed off isn't the correct way of dealing with it and I'm sure your son is stressing out about it too, making it worse. Can't your EX see that???? Talking to the Dr together will prove a point in a good way and then he'll have to take responsibilty of the situation as the father.

 

The other thing that should be brought into light (Not sure if someone else mentioned this or not, haven't read all the replies) but this could be an emotional problem. Remember, kids react to stress and major changes. Their bodies can't handle it and he may not have an outlet for it as he may not fully understand why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore...Either way, he could be acting out, unintentionally ofcourse.

 

Hope this helps and I really hope your EX stops being such a jerk!

[lilmoma1973]

Your h is being an ass.. Maybe your son is having some issues with your break up .. How long have you two been split up? Is this happening when he is with dad or with both.. You aren't suppose to scorn children for accidents like that maybe a medical condition ... Good luck hope it works out...

[tinktronik]

Ok , this is the situation, I will give you some background.We have 3 children together.My ex was abusive and a cheater. I was no picnic myself im sure but to continue.

When I finnally left our youngest was a newborn, I moved to a womens shelter with all of the kids , got a job and moved into a trailer. I had lived only as a stay at home mother durring all of the time wed been married and , before that had simply been a teenager. My ex is military , so durring the time wed been married , it was my job to be a mom , a wife , and support his career. Which I did , too well, by the time I left , hed built rank and his career was well on its way.

So anyway , I dident hear from him for a while , military made him pay support payments of about $800 a month to us and I had my job.But having a abusive relationship had left me with no support system, my friends were a thing of the past and my family just assumed I was erratic ( I had been , anyone in an abusive relationship will be) . But It wasent long before one of the kids got sick and my job was gone.So $800 was it for about a month, I got another job , but durring training another sick child , and that job was gone .

My ex aparently had a meeting with my family , whom was not very supportive and had never been to my home, I did not have very much contact with them. But durring this "meeting" told my family that I was on drugs and this was the only thing that would explain my job loss . I absolutly was NOT on drugs , am not now, nor have I ever been . But a campaign had begun. Durring this time my ex had not had any contact with our children , and had a relationship with a young woman before I left, he was now living with her.He came over and asked if the kids could spend a day with him. I said ok , and he took them to his home. When he dident return I called to see where the kids were, my family anwsered his phone, telling me I needed help I was on drugs and that the kids would stay with my ex.Then he got on the phone and said the kids would stay with him. I hung up , and sat a while thinking.This was the beginning of the month, it all made sense. His support payment was due but if he had the kids he need not pay it. I tried calling other family for help but they had already been called warning them that I was on drugs and not to listen.

I went months without him allowing me to see the kids . There was a year of seperation , we were 10 months through it at this time , but no custody is decided untill court. I had no recourse.

The next day social services came by , to check out my home, I dont know why the children were not there, but told me not to go get the children untill their investigation was done.My ex had called them. Their investigation would not be done untill after our divorce finnalized. I scrambled around looking for work, and I got a job waiting tables , only about 15 a day in tips, and needless to say could afford no attorney. He got everything in court , our home , both cars , the kids , everything. I got summer visitation , and no support payments. I moved away to another state and built a life , got a good job and have a stable life.

He married the girl he'd been seeing 2 weeks later and got transfered across the country.He gave our oldest son to his mother to raise on the opposite side of the country than he now resides.He quickly had another child with the woman he married , and things started to fall apart for him. His wife stays home with our children but their marrige is bad , everytime she leaves him which has been 80% of their marrige , the 2 youngest kids come to live with me, he cant do it without her. But he makes sure not to have them with me for a full 6 month span b/c the state I live in would grant me custody, he takes them for a month and then sends them back. Theyve been back with Dad 3 months now , as the wife has come back to him and legaly I cannot just go get them. Hes not a horrible father but not a good one either, he does listen to some "suggestion " from me , but only because I am on the verge of starting a huge custody battle. Weve been divorced 2 years now. Some of the time I can reason with him where the kids are concerned , but to be honest most of the time I am disreguarded. I miss my kids very much and will be making the trip to be with them at Christmas , Im not sure how to fix the situation between my 5 yr old and his father (which is the most difficult) They have a personality clash just in general. Any help is appriciated , any suggestion is also appriciated .

[Bobbie]

at five years it's either a medical control problem or more likely a lack of confidence in allerting adults around that a toilet stop is necessary.

 

So that's a matter of teaching the child a confident way of asserting his toilet needs....and maybe of reminding adults around him to listen....

 

My son age 4 once soiled himself badly at school in England, he was so embarrassed, but when I enquired further the teaching staff had handed him on to the after-school people who decided he arrived that way so it wasn't their problem...all in all it was an issue of no one wanted to take responsibility and just clean up/ change the child.

 

It taught me a lesson anyway- if a kid has an accident, 'JUST DEAL WITH IT'.

 

As for the relationship with your boy and ex- they have to work it out for themselves, but my approach was to present ex with every problem as it occured, early morning phone calls, requests for input, letting him deal...it wasn't long before he was listening to me more.

 

Good luck!