artistlover Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 [sigh]. hi loveshack. it's been awhile since i posted. i'm keping my identity private but have been a memebr for a long while and everyone has always been fantastically helpful. so i need some ideas again! I am having a hard time reconciling somethngs with sex and love. And I'm in my 30s still confused. I'm fixated and insecure, for one. But what sort of ligitimacy do I have in feeling apprehensive about my boyfriend? What am I bringin to the table and what is he bring? When I first started dating my BF--he said he had problems with his ex--she got upset over porn and whatever. I wasn't upset. I don't care--i thought i was getting all this attention and it was all focused on me so no problem--just a vehicle for getting off. but i keep hearing things he says over and over in my head. He told me once that he liked oogling over pretty girls...but that he wouldn't flirt with other women in front of me. the other day he said he liked looking at women's body's as art. that it didn't mean he didn't love me but he was tired of having relationships with women who feel threatenned by this part of his personality. i thought he was overreacting and felt like he was telling me things he should have said to his ex b/c i've been flexible with all this--but i'm starting to feel like his sexual identity is asserting itself over me. like why do i have to know what kinds of women' he's attracted to--but he really doesn't know what i am attracted to. i keep this stuff to myself b/c i don't want to make him feel threatenned by other boys out there. also--he's got some open doors still. we are only two months in. but he had plans to go to a concert a few weeks ago and it was last minute and i didn't go. he was going with all his friends. and we said that next time there was a concert we would go. so one is coming up and i asked to go--but he said no at first b/c he hadn't told his friends much about me and this one girl in particular was a problem b/ she was the "leader of the group" and they had been flirting heavily before he met me and that he needed to tell her--that he doesn't want anything catty to happen. they have been friends for years and this, i guess just happenned. then he met me and he stopped communicating with her as much. so anyway--he eventually said i could come--he wanted to do the right thing--but as it turns out i can't do and he's going on wednesday. this stuff seems silly to me. i wish i never even knew about this stuff--i just closed the doors to some open things on my own and kept my mouth shut. i just don't know what is really go one with me. he's a nice guy. but i want the attention--the sexual attention. and i don't want to hear about this other stuff. but then again--he's just being honest. i can't figure out what's bothering me here. if it him or me or both? i'm starting to get sensitive about things that didn't bother me in the beginning--like am i pretty enough? is he attracted to my body? i don't like feeling this way. you knwo though--we have a great time together. we laugh and play alot. i just hate how this has come up to the forefront of my mind. it went from 0% to 80% in my mind. WHY?!
Author artistlover Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 ahhh. does this stuff even matter? it seems immature. it seems like games to me.
NatoPMT Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I think he sounds controlling. Hes twisting your feelings of what you might find acceptable by rationalising it and manipulating your boundaries. It sounds as though hes using his past failures (telling you his ex was threatened by his porn use & hes tired of having relationships like this) to show you if you do that you are out of the door - then he can always say he was 'honest' with you. Then he says he wont flirt with women in front of you. That depends on his definition of 'flirting' - but whatever his definition is, i am sure he wouldnt do it in front of you because its unacceptable behaviour for someone in a relationship. "i'm starting to feel like his sexual identity is asserting itself over me" Thats how i took it too, what purpose is this serving him? Why does he need to assert himself over someone who was cool about him viewing porn? You already gave him what he was looking for, which was acceptance over that, so where is he intending to push this? I think you need some more men's opinions on this. You sound quite unsure of yourself, you arent sure how far too far is, and might be taking advantage of this. And if porn isnt an issue to you, you are seeing red flags for a reason, its moving past your idea of acceptable 'appreciation' of other women. This stuff does matter because hes making it matter, viewing porn might not matter, but making a huge deal of this to make sure you know where he stands does. How many relationships has he had fail because of porn? That might give you some answers. BB
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