the anger is gone but is whats left worse?/

[NrclptcNSmniak]

... ive stopped being angry at everything thats been going on around me... but all im left with now is an even deeper depression.... i just came back from where i used to live, and where my x currently lives. it's about an hour drive. i went to the school by my only real friend's request. i met up with him at lunch and took him out to eat with another friend of mine. circumstances made it so that i couldn't go back that night so i slept in my car. went to his school to meet up with him again but.... sort of ran into my x.. whom i still love.... she flashed me this sort of hi, what are you doing here, are you ok smile and hand wave.. and i showed her my hey, im ****ing depressed but trying to hide it for your sake smile, accompanied by a short wave. she then went to her car as i sat on the bench, my heart pounding.... she stood around and talked to her new boyfriend (who i used to be friends with...) while she was standing 20 feet away from me in plain sight, and completely ignoring my existence. i was there to help give confidence to my friend, so he could ask this girl out... whom hes had a crush on for about a year now..... i called her over so he would actually talk to her, but ... being the cheerleader bitch she is gave me this wtf do you want look, followed by the typical how does you know my name. i told her she was popular hehe ... and her bitch of a friend called me a stalker... he still likes her for some reason... maybe its cuz shes really tiny and really cute... and my friend isn't that tall either.... anyway...... ya... as we sat on the bench, toward the end of lunch, the guy my x was dating, my x friend, and the friend of my friends, came up and sat down with us..... we all used to be really close untill about a month and a half ago... he gave me that wats up reverse head nod... i sent it back, covered with .... disdain. we sat there... silent... the 4 of us... for a good 5 minutes.... he left.... ya... that douche basically is trying to steal for himself ... my best friend and the love of my life... so far hes got 1, but my best friend would never ditch me for him... so... i guess that's a good thing.... untill this weekend. i was pissed off. pissed off at how someone that i was such a good friend to could so easily stab you in the back... also my x... whom i spent 3 years with, could so easily throw all of that away just to be with some tard that cant even come close to appreciating her how i did, or loving her how i do.... i can't believe she would date such an idiot too..... bah theres a lot more to it but... i don't really want to explain it all unless you really want to know.... u kinda have to know the back story too i guess... anyway.... the anger phase has passed. i accept everything that has happened. but now, i'm flooded with this overwhelming feeling of depression. it runs so deep and affects every part of my life. its not the type of depression where you feel like killing yourself... it's just.... i feel sad... unbearably sad and lonely... i have no friends close by, no one to show me any type of affection. i do believe i need a rebound, but, it's kind of difficult when you're waiting to go to school again, out of a job, and basically just sitting at home doing nothing but converting oxygen into co2....... anyone know what i should do besides go to a shrink or get some pills.... ive tried to get into a few different hobbies but i get bored easily.

 

bah... the holidays are making this so much worse.... i never understood those movies untill now

[SMHappyface]

Keep your chin up - ever thought of moving? That's what I'm doing - a change of scenery might be just the ticket for moving on.

[NrclptcNSmniak]

i don't have the ability to move... heh.... im financially tied with my dad... i work for him, and hes helping me start up a small process serving buisness... also i'm going to start working at his snack shop when it opens up. we also don't have much money because of all the projects hes working on... not to mention hes having problems collecting on his legal fees..... all my life ive just sucked money out of him, and its about time i started giving back by helping him right now. i also kind of feel bad for dropping out of high school..... although he does understand that not all people were made to follow that one system, i know he was dissapointed taht i couldn't conform. i actually did move... it was ... a part of the reason why i broke up with her... maintaining a one sided (meh found out later that she still liked me... of course its a lot more complicated but ... thats basically how it was) long distance relationship was too daunting a task for me... esp since im the one that cares, and i get jealous easily. i'm moving again in about a year or so... after the houses were building finish, but its only 10 mins away from where i live now. i also want to go to ucsd so i have to stay in so cal anyway....

[NrclptcNSmniak]

it's just this giant hole in my life now..... i just want someone that i loved like i loved her. to hold to kiss to talk to, to be bored together, to watch movies... anything....... im just so damn alone i feel like ima just explode. i think of her now and hate her for what shes putting me through, but i cant help but feel like i still want her.... i just want to hold her in my arms again.... <sigh> but the thing is, is that.... even if the impossible happens and she wants to get back with me... i don't think i'll be able to forgive her for any of it..... bah.... why do i have to have such bitter memories of the first person ive actually loved in my life... ive never loved anyone ever untill she came along... not even my parents... i care for my parents and appreciate them but i don't really love them.....

[SMHappyface]

I totally understand your pain, but it appears to me that you are not comfortable being alone - like you are not totally whole unless u are with another person. I have that same problem, but I am trying to learn to be 100%, only then can I be ready for true happiness.

[omegaRED]

Aye, it may be the fact that it`s maybe still an effect of the breakup (god knows i went thru that, but i KNOW i can be happy on my own, i was before i met my ex, so i just want to get to that place), but certainly you need to think about why you`re not happy on your own. I mean, not now, but in general. Were you happy before you met your ex?

 

Look, it just hit me that i havent been single in almost 10 years!!! Granted, the last year or two of my first LTR i was kinda semi-single, but still... I just want to be happy on my own. I have my friends (i have a single best friend, who knows how i breathe, so to say, and i`d give my right hand for him, and 3-4 REALLY good friends, plus a number of friends, and a growing circle of 'acquentances). I know how it sucks when you have nothing to do and just wait for something to happen. I know, cause i`m still kinda in that same spot. But what helps me most days is the will to meet new people. Just today i went to the Uni to sort out the final details in my file and to start the procedure to get my degree, and i really noticed that i can easily connect to people. I`ve forgotten that in the past 3-4 months. I forgot that i was really popular at the Uni, that people really liked me and found me interesting. That really boosted my confidence and self-esteem. I thought i was alone and nobody seemed interesting. But... Just try to be positive, shift your focus and meet new people. It really helps, if only for the time you`re with them.

 

You`re not alone. Don`t forget that.

[NrclptcNSmniak]

all i can say is that ur very lucky to have such ties

 

ok well.. just as an update... i miss her less now. her new bf is turning her highly influencable personality into something that resembles his. my once close friend got into some trouble for busting up some random persons car... well the cops have no real evidence on him.. all they have are a few statements from some druken teens saying they saw him there but not actually destroying the car. anyway... he asked my x whom he was also close friends with, and my x's douche of a boyfriend, to say that he was with them. when iw as with her she was pretty loyal and faithful to her friends but.... blew him off saying that she feels bad but if he does get caught shell be implicated and that her parents would get angry and it would look bad for the colleges. not like shes going for a great college anyway. that douche of a guy totally blew him off saying that its not his problem at all (me, the guy that busted the car, my x , and her new boyfriend were all close friends with each other).... anyway theres no way hell get caught anyway but just the fact that she isn't willing to back him up at all .... makes me pretty damn pissed.... i have a problem with unloyal people... if i was there, even tho i don't hang out with him much, i would have definitely backed him up... even tho its his fault for getting into the situation, he was my close friend at one point and would never leave him out to dry like that...... i just am in total shock that the girl i once knew, the girl i once loved... and maybe still do... could do that to him.............. it really ticks me off.... so now the anger is back but as a switch i miss her less.