tater123 Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. We started out as friends and instantly clicked upon meeting...i love being around him and we both make each other laugh all the time. When I decided to get in a relationship with him I had already accepted that the fact that he could get emotional at times and I felt prepared to handle it. The main problem in our relationship is his self-confidence. I know he feels like he's not attractive and not a good guy and doesnt think he treats me well. When he's drunk, he's tried multiple times to stop seeing me because he's afraid to hurt me/wear me down. Recently I just found out that he cuts/burns himself at times when he's really overwhelmed with things. I confronted him with this and he explained to me that hurting himself is a way for him to feel better since pain releases endorphins and that it;s more common than i think...apparently 30% of people cut/burn themselves to feel better??? This doesn't seem normal to me. The other thing is his mood swings. The smallest things will sometimes piss him off and he'll act strange for a short time, then apologize afterwards and say he was being stupid and that he doesnt mean it. Last weekend I had a hell week so to speak as far as school work goes and hadn't gotten much sleep over the past few days. He came to visit me and I told him I needed to get some sleep but for him to come anytime that day. So he gets here, tells me to take a nap and walks around campus while i sleep for awhile...but when he comes back I feel really guilty because he seems sort of mad. Then he'll go back to normal pretty quick. He also tells me that the physical part of our relationship isnt nearly as important and if it came down to it, he I would stay with me even if he didnt "get any". Yet, last night he went up to one of my guy friends and told him "Hey do you think you can lure Jess (my roomie) out of the room tonight...I want to get some. I mean I already had some semen released but I could use it again". thats gross! why would he say that and tell me differently? he never forces me to do anything and considers my feelings all the time so why would he say that? am i supposed to believe that or him? My boyfriend basically doesnt talk to anyone about his problems and i cant imagine not talking to anyone about the stuff he goes through/thinks about. hes opened up to me a lot more than he has to most people and i know i have made at least some difference in his confidence level. I think I can take a lot in a relationship, im pretty laid back, and i like this guy....not as much as he likes me but i like him. is it right to stay in a relationship when hes like this? some of this stuff scares me. Please offer some opinions! I don't have anyone to talk to since I will not violate his trust.
Enema Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Men and women think and act differently, especially to other men/women. When he was asking your guy friend to try and get your roomie out for the night he was probably being "blokey". Men are rude, crude and that's life. It sounds like he has some issues and maybe should talk to someone about them, but it's always his decision and doesn't seem to be hurting anyone but himself (and not seriously). Long story short, everyone deserves to be happy. If you're happy good, If you're not happy, change your life so that you are - whatever the cost.
Author tater123 Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 thanks---it really helps to hear what others think anyone else?
Judas Christian Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Sounds like your boyfriend is a piece of work. What I mean by that, is that if you're going to have a successful relationship with him (that spans years), there will be more work involved than a "normal" relationship warrants. He doesn't sound particularly experienced with relationships to begin with, considering some of the things that are coming out of his mouth in your presence, or else he just doesn't care. I'd like to think it's not the latter. As far as the cutting/burning thing goes, I have one thing to say - even if it IS 30%, that's not normal. It's the 70% remainder who DON'T that are normal! He obviously has alot of issues and you have to ask yourself if you're seriously willing to spend the time and energy required to make something decent out of this relationship. You're in school still so you've got alot of life ahead of you. My personal advice is to move on. Your call.
SmoochieFace Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 His drinking and apparent lack of coping skills are the problem. If you decide to stay with him be prepared for an uphill battle as this will not get better UNLESS he chooses to change... and, if he does, he will need professional help. He will not be able to do this on his own.
Author tater123 Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 the thing im worried about is breaking it off too soon...he finally has confided in someone and shared his secret and i dont want him to think he's pushed me away because of it..that wouldnt be good for him because then he'll think its better to have not told me when i think it was very important he shared it with me..this is why im in a dilemma
Lil Honey Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I agree with JC - the other 70% are "normal." I also agree with SF - he needs professional help. The burning, cutting and drinking are self-destructive behaviors that are presenting themselves as his way of dealing with deeper issues. I have a daughter who thought that she could "fix" or "help" her boyfriend. The fact is, his problems are WAY BEYOND simply having someone love him. I think your boyfriend's problems are on the same level. They have to help themselves. Since you stated that you don't have the same amount of feelings for him as he does for you, I'd say to continue with school and let him go to find help for himself. He cannot take care of a relationship when he can't take care of himself.
Judas Christian Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 tater, don't fall into the common trap (for women particularly) of being guilted into something. What I mean is, he's opened this up to you and that's great, but you have to do what's best for you. You're not a messiah or a savior for the world, you're one person. If this is all too much for you, do NOT be afraid to break up and get out - you are not responsible for his feelings. That may sound harsh, but it's true. You're not a therapist and you aren't him. He feels and does these things for his own reasons that are completely separate from you. Keep it that way.
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