ICS Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 So, since I last posted, I got back together with my girlfriend, that was a few weeks ago. Anyways, yesterday she called me up and I could really feel her prescence and I really enjoyed talking to her, but then out of the blue two problems turned up... She asked me to reserve my week of march break to spend with her, and that my mom is not allowed to call me during that week, except for one phone call for her birthday, which is also during that week. She also asked me to leave my mother a birthday present at home and call her on her birthday ONLY to tell her to find it. She said it's only fair because I am away for christmas with my family and she should be able to have a week with me too.. Ok, I thought maybe she was joking about the forbidden phone calls, and I didn't say anything about it. But then there came more problems. I was feeling seriously exhausted and told her that I wanted to take a shower. As soon as she heard that, she became very angered: "You had the whole day to take a shower, why do you have to take it now that we're talking on the phone ?" I said I was sorry, but I really wanted to go for a shower, and it has nothing to do with not wanting to talk to her. She promptly hung up on me. This morning I visited her at work but she did not want to see me at all and told me she was mad from last night. She continued to complain about what happened last night and said that I should go home and think it over because she does not want to talk to me right now. What do you make of this situation?
johan Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 March vacation: Your girlfriend wants to take possession of you for a week. She's got you in her plans at least that far into the future. It sounds really sweet to me. Not only that, but she's thinking of how it will impact others and she's planned for all that. I'm sure it isn't non-negotiable. But she clearly wants time with you, so I'd have to ask what's the problem? Shower: On the one hand, I can understand, because I hate talking on the phone. On the other, she really wanted to talk to you and you needed an urgent shower. She thinks you should be able to set aside some time for her. I agree. There is almost no way to tell your girlfriend that you'd prefer to take a shower or whatever over talking to her and have her take it well. Whether you're justified or not, you can't be that self-absorbed and insensitive and expect her to be ok with it. Bottom line: You're giving her messages that you aren't that fired up about her.
quankanne Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 sounds like you've gotten involved with a very self-centered miss, is what it sounds like. You mustn't call family because she says so? You can't cut a call short because you don't have anything better to do than talk to her? Excuse me? Missing you and wanting to spend as much time with you as possible is one thing, not allowing you to go about your business so you can pander to her wishes is another. in all honesty? I'd dump her in a heartbeat, because she will only make life more miserable for you with her controlling nature. When you truly care about someone, you don't make them ask how high by demanding that they jump for you ...
Outcast Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I think you have got yourself a person with SERIOUS control issues and that you better run far and fast away from this one. Imagine if this is her on 'best behaviour' at the beginning of a relationship - how much worse will it get when she feels comfortable enough to really be herself around you? She asked me to reserve my week of march break to spend with her, and that my mom is not allowed to call me during that week, except for one phone call for her birthday, which is also during that week. She also asked me to leave my mother a birthday present at home and call her on her birthday ONLY to tell her to find it. She said it's only fair because I am away for christmas with my family and she should be able to have a week with me too.. Please understand that this is not just a quirk. This is a serious personality flaw. Really. Drop her and flee. It sounds really sweet to me. What??? Johan, she's saying he's not 'allowed' to speak to his own mother!!!! That's just wierd and freaky, especially not being allowed to see his own mother on her birthday. C'mon Johan!!!! If this were a man doing it to a woman you'd be screaming 'abuse'!!
johan Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 I think you have got yourself a person with SERIOUS control issues and that you better run far and fast away from this one. Imagine if this is her on 'best behaviour' at the beginning of a relationship - how much worse will it get when she feels comfortable enough to really be herself around you? Please understand that this is not just a quirk. This is a serious personality flaw. Really. Drop her and flee. What??? Johan, she's saying he's not 'allowed' to speak to his own mother!!!! That's just wierd and freaky, especially not being allowed to see his own mother on her birthday. C'mon Johan!!!! If this were a man doing it to a woman you'd be screaming 'abuse'!! Give me a break. You assume she's dead serious. I assume she's not. I'm sure he's allowed to talk to whoever he wants. If she IS serious, then I'd say, yeah, you have a problem. People who would do that are pretty rare. Honestly, she sounds like she's trying to tell you she wants a week with you and hopes you'll set it aside for just the two of you.
Author ICS Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 I called her up just now and tried to get a point across to her. She said she wants to sleep now, and I told her I wanted to talk to her so she shouldn't sleep, and asked her if I am repeating the same scenario she created last night. Guess what? She said NO, it's not the same. Once again she hung up on me and this time she turned off her phone as well. This one really hurts.
Author ICS Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Johan, She really IS dead serious, because she told me she would get very mad at me if I don't do as she says. In the past, she had conflicts with my mom and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with my family.. save for me. Two days ago she came over to my apartment and I told her I agreed to take my brother out for dinner, so I thought that maybe the three of us could have dinner together. Wrong. She got upset right away and told me that she would leave if I were to bring my brother along for dinner. She explained that she wants nothing to do with my family, including my brother (even though my brother did nothing to deserve that.) About being forbidden to call home.. I think it's not only impossible, but also very controlling of her-regardless of how she feels about my family. My mother should be allowed to know where I am for a week because I think it's just plain rude to leave home and stop all contact until I am done having fun. This girl really feels strongly about me.. in every sense of the word. She is easily upset by the slightest things, but she could also be the most amazing girl in the world.. with a myriad of control issues. We have been in this relationship for three years. I wish so badly that she could be more mature because I seriously love to be with her when all these problems are hidden.. notice I said hidden. I know I cant change anyone either.. What is the best thing to do?
johan Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Johan, She really IS dead serious, because she told me she would get very mad at me if I don't do as she says. In the past, she had conflicts with my mom and now she doesn't want to have anything to do with my family.. save for me. Two days ago she came over to my apartment and I told her I agreed to take my brother out for dinner, so I thought that maybe the three of us could have dinner together. Wrong. She got upset right away and told me that she would leave if I were to bring my brother along for dinner. She explained that she wants nothing to do with my family, including my brother (even though my brother did nothing to deserve that.) About being forbidden to call home.. I think it's not only impossible, but also very controlling of her-regardless of how she feels about my family. My mother should be allowed to know where I am for a week because I think it's just plain rude to leave home and stop all contact until I am done having fun. This girl really feels strongly about me.. in every sense of the word. She is easily upset by the slightest things, but she could also be the most amazing girl in the world.. with a myriad of control issues. We have been in this relationship for three years. I wish so badly that she could be more mature because I seriously love to be with her when all these problems are hidden.. notice I said hidden. I know I cant change anyone either.. What is the best thing to do? Speaking from experience, these problems will probably be what kills your relationship, directly or indirectly. I guess it depends what the root causes of her problem are, if you want to evaluate her capability to change and how you might try to get her to make an effort. It boils down to whether you can deal with this in the long term and if not, how long can you take it. How much time would you have to spend with her if you knew for sure she couldn't change. I know it isn't black and white, like you can just throw it all away. I know how you feel about her. The only advice I can give is don't let her jerk you around. No matter who you're with, you have to have boundaries and a fair and respectful way to enforce them. A girl who is truly controlling will be always looking for places to get through and take charge. You'll be tested on everything. Even stupid stuff like whether you should be showering and whether you can call your mom for her birthday. And serious things like whether your brother can come for dinner. And every other damn thing. The other bit of advice is don't let her upset you. If she hangs up on you, then just go do something else and forget it. If she pouts, then just let her pout. With someone like that, you'll be the only one who can really judge right and wrong and how far to take things. And if you really do enforce your boundaries and don't let her get to you, then don't be surprised to find her looking to get out. She can't be with someone who has that much self-respect. Pretty much no matter what, if she's that insecure and controlling, there is nothing you can do to make it work. The real changes need to come from her. If she doesn't own up to them, then you're just in for a ride. And if that's what your future really looks like, then it couldn't seem very appealing to stick around. That's everything I know. Like I said, I know how you feel. Good luck.
Gold Pile Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 If she's trying to limit your contact with your mother, is there any chance that you have too much contact with mom? If you call mom everyday, and talk about her all the time...you might be a momma's boy, and this girl is trying to help. Breaking off a conversation is exactly that, doesn't matter if your excuse is shower time.
Judas Christian Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I'm not sure we have the whole picture here, Outcast. What I'm thinking is that his girlfriend wants the week reserved because he perhaps has too much to do with his mother, as in perhaps the mother thing has been "in the way" before. Sure, if he only talks to his mother normally and she's demanding he not talk to her, that's control. On the other hand, maybe he's a bit of a "Norman" (from Psycho) about his mother (in the girlfriend's mind) and she wants a week reserved for just them - no mother loving. I dunno, there's got to be more to that. As for the shower bit, I agree that nobody wants to be told, after looking forward to speaking to someone, that that person "suddenly" needs to go take a shower. It's bound to end up badly.
Walk Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Unless he's calling his mother every day, and ditching her to be with his family, I don't think she has any right to demand he not call his mother. It's her Birthday! I've had in-laws who didn't like me, treated me as if I didn't exist. But I didn't forbid my exh to speak with them. Especially on important dates. Holidays, birthdays. I loved and cared for him, I knew it was important to him. And if it was important to him, then it was important to me. If they didn't like me, it wasn't that big of a deal. They didn't know me, it's just that I wasn't just like them. So I shrugged it off for his benefit. We all have to make sacrifices for a relationship, and I think family is way to important to deman that your SO ditch them for you. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. On the other hand, he also didn't spend every second with them, or put me last in line for them. So it depends on the situation. If ICS isn't a momma's boy, but speaks to his family on a regular basis, then I don't feel she has any right to tell him not to call/visit his mother on her birthday.
Walk Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 ICS: Did you break up with her the last time? Or she break it off with you? And who initiated the getting back together? Was it about your family before? I think, since this relationship is going on year 3, that if he said he wants to go take a shower, then so what. Unless she's seriously upset about something that happened in her life, and must tell him right then, then so what if he wants to take a shower then. To me, her getting upset about it, is her way of saying "I'm more important than how you feel, or what you want."
reddog63 Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I realize its easier for an outsider to say this..........but hell..........life is too short to put up with such drama.........can you actually picture a life with this........I would as soon shoot myself!! But that is me....
basscatcher Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 From what you have said-- RUN... She sounds possessive and controlling. Its alright for her to do things her way but not for you to do things your way. It doesn't sound like a fair relationship.. If you continue with her you will constantly be confused, hung up on, possibly ignored (but you better not ignor her), you will have to jump and drop everything when she says so.. You will be a puppet to her and you won't be able to make your own decisions or do anything you want to do. She has some serious insecurity issues so she feels the need to control you and shape and form you into who she wants you to be.. Dude you need to find a woman who wants you to be you and accepts you for who you are... run, run, run, run, run, run, fast, faster, as fast as you can go.. I am very close with my Mother.. If someone wants to call me a mommas girl then so be it. My mom is my mom and to have a good relationship with her is healthy. My bf is very close with his brothers; I wouldn't attempt to stop him from spending time with them or not allow him to call them.. Thats just wrong. We can all learn to live in each others lives peacefully. We can't change who our family is. We don't own another person. We can't change another person. We can't make another person do our bidding in a healthy and happy way. Dude, follow your instincts--what does your gutt tell you? You are already in distress over her demands. Do you seriously think it will get better.... I bet NOT...
Author ICS Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Both this time and last time I initiated the breakup, and both times it's family related-at least from her point of view. Now let me explain: The scenario from our last breakup: I was to pick her up from work at 10:30pm. Her work shift ends at 10:00pm but in the past we have realized that she does not get off work until 30 minutes past, because of all the administrative work and cleanup before she can leave. So, in the past, I have waited for her outside for as long as 40 minutes, and she told me that in the future I should come maybe 20 to 30 minutes after she actually gets off work. As it happens, that night when she asked me to pick her up at 10:30pm, she actually got off work early, and called me up to pick her up right away (at 10:00pm). I told her that I wasn't ready to leave yet because I had planned my evening around her schedule, and that I was in the midst of finishing dinner (with my parents at home). Her workplace is 5 mintues away from my house and I would be early if I were to finish dinner and pick her up, everything was fine. However, she expected me to pick her up right away and I could not do that. I did not want to be rude to my parents and just leave in the middle of dinner- there was no reason to rush anyways, I knew I could pick her up within 15 minutes. Well, it turns out that it didnt matter either way, and she tells me that I am putting my parents in front of her, and that I have dinner with them all the time, and that I've spent the whole day with them (which is untrue by the way). She got very upset and for the next two days I kept calling her but it always went to the answering machine. I was beginning to worry that maybe something unfortunate happened. It's one thing to get upset at someone, and another thing to make them think that you got involved in some serious accident. So on the third day of her dissappearance (I called her roomate too, and he had no idea where she is), I decided to randomly drop by at work and to my surprise.. she was there. Before I could even say a word to her, she asked me to leave because her mom is picking her up soon. If you have been following thus far, you will definitely know how I felt then. The next day I initiated the breakup because I was very deeply angered, even though I found out that she had forgotten her phone at work for two days- she never made an effort to contact me (not by phone and not on msn and not in person either).
basscatcher Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Still seems like she is controlling and demanding. She doesn't take anything out of consideration. Its her way.. The more you speak about her the more I still think you are heading for heart break and you will never be allowed to be a real man.
Moai Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 Dude, she's insane. I say that without reservation. SHe flips out and then pulls you back in, only to flip out again. Anyone who asks you not to talk to anyone else should be dumped on the spot. You can talk to whomever you want whenever you want. It is rude to take cell phone calls while on a date or while enjoying a night out together, but if you are spending a week together she has to expect you'll keep in touch with your people. Sheesh. Flipping out about the shower is scary. "You had all day to shower! You must talk to me!" or whatever is presumptuous and crazy. She wasn't with you all day, she has no idea what you did and didn't have time for. And what is the deal with picking her up? God, have some boundaries. She doesn't want you to have your own life AT ALL and wants to control everything you do, but not give anything up herself. Is she amazing in bed or something? Ask yourself why someone like this has such a hold on you. If a girlfriend of mine asked to be picked up early and I couldn't do it and she flipped out like this chick did, I'd say "Well, I'm never going to pick you up now, have a nice life." It isn't about you putting your family ahead of her (which is fine unless you are married), it's putting YOU ahead of her. If you want to finish dinner, finsih dinner, then pick her up. She can wait for a few minutes, it isn't like you didn't wait for her before. Did she have a pressing appointment that she couldn't be late for and HAD to get out of there right then? Was her life in danger? Good god, man! When she flips out you can't buy into it. Let her flip out, hang up on her, tell her that she is fllipping out and you'll talk to her when she is rational (which it sounds like she never is). Split. Never call her again. When she rings, dump her to voice mail. You don't even owe her an explanation. Be strong and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but you must know she will be out of your life eventually, and the sooner you do it the easier it will be. If you do tell her where to get off, leave any family issues you have out of it. Just tell her she's crazy, controlling, and that she sucks and you don't have time for it. Then hang up and NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. She'll find some other sucker to wig out on sooner than you think. If you don't split, she'll probably end up trying to kill you or your family, and then we'll watch the Lifetime movie they will make about all of this. Damn.
Author ICS Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Today I talked to a few more of my friends about my current situation with her, and more than one had suspected that she might be bipolar. I feel as though there are two very extreme sides of her. Here are the contents of a card she had written me last week: Even though things are tough at school and life right now don't doubt yourself or your abilities. You are such a remarkable man with undiscovered and discovered talents, a warm kind heart what any girl could ask for, and for some reason you love me... You'll be something great one day, even more wonderful than you are now. I broke up with her last night over the phone, and we haven't talked since. My friends tell me that it will likely be a short and temporary breakup like our last breakup two weeks ago, but I don't want to be tempted into that again. Yes, I really want to be with this girl, but her emotions and her demands are very hard to keep up with. The reason for my sudden breakup with her last night was because I wanted to see if it is possible to give her a cool-off period, with no communication. I want to know if that cool-off period could change her attitude towards me and take me less for granted; as much as I am skeptical, I don't know anything else better to do. Is anyone else with me on that plan? What would it take for it to work?
johan Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 Today I talked to a few more of my friends about my current situation with her, and more than one had suspected that she might be bipolar. I feel as though there are two very extreme sides of her. Here are the contents of a card she had written me last week: Even though things are tough at school and life right now don't doubt yourself or your abilities. You are such a remarkable man with undiscovered and discovered talents, a warm kind heart what any girl could ask for, and for some reason you love me... You'll be something great one day, even more wonderful than you are now. I broke up with her last night over the phone, and we haven't talked since. My friends tell me that it will likely be a short and temporary breakup like our last breakup two weeks ago, but I don't want to be tempted into that again. Yes, I really want to be with this girl, but her emotions and her demands are very hard to keep up with. The reason for my sudden breakup with her last night was because I wanted to see if it is possible to give her a cool-off period, with no communication. I want to know if that cool-off period could change her attitude towards me and take me less for granted; as much as I am skeptical, I don't know anything else better to do. Is anyone else with me on that plan? What would it take for it to work? Don't use your entire relationship as a bargaining chip. You should break up with her because you're done with her, not because it seems like a good way to get her to change. Don't resort to manipulation.
Author ICS Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 Split. Never call her again. When she rings, dump her to voice mail. You don't even owe her an explanation. Be strong and move on. I know it is easier said than done, but you must know she will be out of your life eventually, and the sooner you do it the easier it will be. If you do tell her where to get off, leave any family issues you have out of it. Just tell her she's crazy, controlling, and that she sucks and you don't have time for it. Then hang up and NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. She'll find some other sucker to wig out on sooner than you think. If you don't split, she'll probably end up trying to kill you or your family, and then we'll watch the Lifetime movie they will make about all of this. Damn. I know she probably deserve it, but a part of me wants to keep her as a friend. Is it at all possible? If so, how long should I wait before talking to her again?
Author ICS Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 If she's trying to limit your contact with your mother, is there any chance that you have too much contact with mom? If you call mom everyday, and talk about her all the time...you might be a momma's boy, and this girl is trying to help. Breaking off a conversation is exactly that, doesn't matter if your excuse is shower time. Honestly I do not believe that I have too much contact with my mom, but I am pretty sure that she sees it as quite the contrary. Naturally, we know that girlfriends and mothers don't get along very well, so I think it might have to do with that- as little as I know why. I should point out that her relationship with her parents is not so stable, which is quite the opposite of my relationship with my own parents, who tend to be much more supportive, whereas hers appear to be very emotionally distant from her. She was adopted.
Author ICS Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 How old is she? And how old are you? I am 20 and she is 19. I am doing my second year of university right now, but she flunked out of her first year of university and is confused with what to do with her life right now. She took up a part time job so she could spend some time thinking about where to go in life, but I honestly believe that she has been putting it off.
westernxer Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I am 20 and she is 19. No wonder she's like this. No wonder you put up with it.
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