Apathetic Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Well to give a brief history..My ex & I have been best friends for about 6 yrs now,into the about the 4th yr we decided to take it to the next level & had a 2 yr relationship..Well 2 & 1/2 months ago I went out w/ my friend,drank & ended up kissing a guy..EX found out and broke up w/ me-understandably..we spoke almost everyday after the breakup up until 3 weeks ago when I decided I wasnt going to bother him anymore w/ emails asking for forgiveness..he left it at he needs time to see if he could forgive me..my question is should I wait around to see if he eventually forgives me & wants to get back together? I really do NOT want him out of my life but I also dont want to waste my time waiting around for something that may not even happen..Dont know what I should do..
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I would not wait around as your tone seems to indicate that you really just want him in your life as a friend. He deserves someone who feels emotionally and physically and so do you.
Author Apathetic Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 Well if we arent able to get past this and eventually try to work it out & be in a relationship again,then of course I would want him in my life as a friend.But thats not saying I dont want to be in a relationship w/ him again..I just dont know if I should wait around to see if he can forgive me & hopefully work it out
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 All you did was kiss this guy? Was it something you wanted or was it the alcohol? How would you feel if your b/f kissed a girl at a bar? Would you forgive him?
Author Apathetic Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 All we did was kiss It was the alcohol because I wouldnt have done that if I wasnt drinking Obviously I would be just as upset as he is but I think I would be able to eventually forgive him But we arent the same person so what I would do doesnt mean its what he will do & vise versa
mini696 Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 My ex kised her friend when we were going out, but I was able to forgive her. Hes a bit of a weak guy not being able to forgive you for one kiss (if thats all it was). I suggest he was looking for an excuse to break up and that was it. There must have been a reason for you to look elsewhere.
Author Apathetic Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Hmm..I dont think he had any thoughts about ending it before I cheated,but maybe youre right,who knows.He is a BIG believer in trust & once that trust is broken,its hard to get back..And yeah kissing is all that happened,I would say if more happened. Im not sure I can agree w/ you on that hes a weak person for not being able to forgive me..I completly understand why he cant(yet)..I broke his heart & his trust.I know I was wrong and I know he has every right to be furious w/ me. I just dont know if I should wait around,im afraid that if I do move on & find someone else that my ex will come back
mazza32cott Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Trust is such a big thing in a relationship and it is also something you earn. What can you do to make him trust you again? So how did he find out? Without trust there is no good foundation for a relationship. Anyhow, sounds like you do want him and the only thing to do here is maybe wait a month and see what happens. (That is if you really want him). How many days has there been no contact for now? Maz
Author Apathetic Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Yes I know trust is an important thing in a relationship & I know I broke it..He found out by reading an email I wrote to my girlfriend talking about what had happened. And I have been waiting for the past 2 months.He says he needs time..It has been 3 weeks since I last emailed him.I fight the urge every single day to email him asking him if he has forgiven me yet but so far I havent given in
mazza32cott Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 Can you tell us what the content of the email he read was. It may throw a clearer picture on this.
Author Apathetic Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 Im not sure word for word but I was telling her that I felt bad and that I hoped the kid I kissed wouldnt tell anyone & that I didnt know what to do if he(my EX) ever found out..So obviously that was implying I had no intention of telling him what happened,which is true..
mazza32cott Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 It's unfortunate that it happened but not worth breaking a relationship for. I think the 2 months and what you have been been is more than enough. I would ask him whether or not you are going to get back together. If he says more time, then perhaps tell him that's he's had time enough nd that you will move on. As hard as it is it may be for the best. Dont knock yourself too much either. It was just a kiss. Not good but it was no more than that. Maz
Author Apathetic Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Well its been 2 months since we broke up but only 3 weeks without contact,I never gave him time to himself to sort this out and to get through the pain,I kept emailing him asking for forgiveness & trying to get him to trust me again & to give me another chance..You have to remember,we have a 6 yr history & he NEVER ever thought I would have done something like this,I totally & completly broke his heart & trust.So therefor I am not sure if emailing him & asking if he has made up his mind is a good idea,the last thing I want to do is push him more away by pressuring him to make a decision.
solsta Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 good for you with the NC, he needs time to sort out things obviously. But remember, if you have a 6 year history, it's not likely that he is going to cut you out of his life forever. You just have to be patient. Time moves slowly when you want to be with someone you can't. He knows how sorry you are, just let it sink in now.
Author Apathetic Posted November 22, 2005 Author Posted November 22, 2005 Well he did say that he wasnt going to cut me off completely..he is still interested in my life and what happens & said just because I did a terrible thing doesnt mean he should totally ignore me...Now as for getting back together-he didnt give me a definite answer.. I almost gave in to the temptation today to email him and ask him if were ever getting back together & that if we werent,he should tell me so I could move on..thought about it some more and decided not to email him..Kind of thinking that I should have but im so confused that I dont know what the hell is going on & what I should do:(
Yamaha Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 I think you will know when it is time to move on ( if he can't forgive you ). 2 months is not a long time so I would be patient. If he doesn't contact you or avoids you and you feel the relationship is dead then is the time to move on.
downcydeguy Posted November 22, 2005 Posted November 22, 2005 It's interesting that some on here are saying "it was just a kiss," "he should get over that!". Everybody has different views on cheating, this I understand. However, for me, a kiss is very intimate and is a very big deal. I'm sure he's facing a big dilemma right now because how is he to know that you would never do it again? Also, I think he would be handling this differently if you would have come out and told him about the mistake. Instead, he sees the email and realizes that you had no intentions of telling him. It's only been 3 weeks of NC so if you truly love him, wait for him a little bit longer. Honestly, if a month passes and he's not willing to talk to you yet, then it's probably not a good sign for your future together. Good luck.
mental_traveller Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 I agree with downcydeguy. Not only was this blatant cheating, but you lied and covered it up from him. He had to hear from it by snooping on your email - instead of you feeling guilty and confessing, you intended to hide it permanently. You should forget this guy and move on, so you don't cheat, lie, or hurt him any more.
Author Apathetic Posted November 23, 2005 Author Posted November 23, 2005 No im not going to forget him & move on..I made a mistake that would never ever happen again.Granted it was a terrible & hurtful thing I did & im not trying to minimize but it was only just a kiss..I have too much time invested & too many feelings for him to just 'move on & forget him'..If HE himself-the one who was cheated on even said he isnt going to cut me out of his life,why should I when I know that this will never happen again...
solsta Posted November 23, 2005 Posted November 23, 2005 My ex did the exact same thing to me, although he was not apologetic for it. I believe in second chances and in time I am sure your ex will as well, unless other things are wrong in the relationship. People are entitled to make mistakes and you seem to have really learned from it. i hope it works out.
ANUEME Posted November 24, 2005 Posted November 24, 2005 Anything worth having is worth waiting for.. dont be so quick to give up. I might be worth the wait.
Author Apathetic Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 LOL Anume...Yeah I agree w/ what you said..just dont know how much longer I should wait for
Donburi Posted November 25, 2005 Posted November 25, 2005 I'm in a pretty similiar situation as you...I cheated, though I wish I could say it was only a kiss. Though we were on a "break" at the time I guess technically it wasn't cheating...but whatever. Doesn't make much of a difference to me. My ex of three years and I were going through a rough time, he spent all of his time playing videogames (arghhh gamers! lol) and I was suffocating him and become too needy. We weren't compromising and giving eachother what we needed. Well, after a heated fight at his place, I stormed off to another room (because he locked me out of his) where one of our mutual good buddy was hanging out. When my ex started to become distant, I started hanging out with this buddy alot, it was like he was almost "filling in" for my ex, doing the things he should have been doing. Just little things, like going shopping with me, seeing movies, etc. Well, turns out this "buddy" had feelings for me and I won't lie, I began to have feelings for him too. We never talked about it or expressed it, we were just really good friends, but it was obvious to anyone that something was there, all of our other friends must of sensed it, because they always teased us about it. Well anyways, when I went to the back room where he was, I was crying and upset, and he comforted me. After a min or two, he sort of held me close and started touching me intimately. We didn't kiss, no clothes came off or anything like that, he was just sort of fondling and rubbing in some, er, areas. I still don't know to this day why I didn't stop him. I never touched him back but I didn't stop him. I want to say I was upset, and that I was attracted to him, but there really is no excuse. Well, as luck would have it, my ex walked in a minute or two later to see the whole thing. The three of us sat in that room for seriously, 5 hours, most of it in silence. I was too disgusted and ashamed to say anything, but I eventually found the nerve to apologize and try to explain things as best as I can. Either way, it was pretty obvious that he was going to break up with me, which he did. Sad thing is, most of his other exes cheated on him, too. He never kept in contact with them afterwards. But for some reason, he said he couldn't just stop talking to me. But he didn't take me back, either. Its been 7 months now since the incident has happened, and we have been in contact, for the most part, the entire time, as friends. Things have gotten better, I'd say. His behavior around me has changed since the first month or two. A few months ago it was very awkward hanging out with eachother, and now there are times when he almost acts like the boyfriend he once was. Though he still says he doesn't know what will happen between us and that he just doesn't want to date right now, I am feeling a bit more confident about us. So I guess the whole point of this long comment (which I apologize for) is that if this relationship really is important to you, if its worth waiting for, even if the chances may seem low sometimes, than do it. But I'm gonna warn you, it won't be an easy ride. You are going to go through alot of emotional stress. You'll constantly worry and doubt him and yourself, you'll analyze every little thing he says, getting your hopes up when he says something good, just to have them shattered when he says something that contradicts it. It'll be on your mind 24/7 and when you're not around him or talking to him you'll drive yourself crazy wondering what he is doing or who he is with. This is what I lived with for about 5 months. Though I feel more confident now, its not to say that I'm not at risk at getting hurt. Even though he has recently been acting in a way that seems like he is interested in "us", if he were to suddenly change his mind, I would be back to square one. What you and I are doing is definitely risky business. But to us, its worth it. Someone mentioned you'll know when its time to move on, and since I have not felt that yet, I can't see myself doing it. This is definitely something I would regret walking away from if I did not give it my all. So, even though we know the consequences, even though to most people its completely stupid and harmful, its worth it to us. So, the only advice I can give you is to just show him you are worthy of trust again. Even though you are not his girlfriend right now, act the way a good girlfriend should. Or rather, act like a best friend. Be there for him. Do things that will make him smile. But thats not to say you should let him walk all over you, either. Hang in there, and be strong! Maybe your ex will realize what he wants sooner than mine will, maybe later. Who knows. Its up to you how long to wait.
Author Apathetic Posted November 25, 2005 Author Posted November 25, 2005 Sorry to hear what happened to you Donburi..Not an easy situation!!..At least your ex is able to be around you..mine isnt able to see me yet as it will stir up too many emotions as he put it.Havent seen him since 2 days before I cheated which was like 2 & 1/2 months ago.I am hoping that he will be ready soon and when he is,he will contact me. And yes youre totally right with how its on my mind 24/7,I wonder what hes doing,who he is with,if he has hooked up with someone & believe me I know I have NO right to be upset if he has hooked up with a girl but I cant help it..I'll be thinking about this the majority of my time until it is all cleared up. You hang in there also & be strong..God knows I am trying my hardest!!
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