Tangerina Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 It isn't like I didn't know what happened, but I was making excuses about why it wasn't actually cheating and this morning it just hit me "STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM! IT WASN'T OK!" He is a ballet dancer, and we were going through a rough spot and he went to Calgary, Alberta for a month long dance intensive and the plan was that I would come visit for the last week of it because it was my B-day and I had a ticket with WestJet that I needed to use... So while he was there we talked on the phone a bit "There is this girl Lilac here, if I wasn't in a relationship with you, I would want to be with her." Ok, that made me feel like *hit... Well, basically throughout conversations and some things we talked about once I was actually there, he had been spooning with girls("me and Anne Marie decided that spooning is the best thing ever!") , giving them full body massages (including specifically butt massages and inner thigh?!?!? he actually told me)... the only thing he didn't do was actually "cheat" in that he didn't kiss or have sex with them.... also I don't know if all of this rubbing and fondling was sexual for them (they knew he had a GF and once I was there they didn't make any moves on him, I don't think they were interested), but I know it was to him and he kept telling me "I could have cheated on you, but I didn't because I know how much that would have hurt you." And, once I was there he treated me like crap in front of them, ignoring me when I tried to talk to him and join conversations, or saying things that were outright mean (like something came up in a conversation that was a trigger for one of our in-jokes, so I made the joke and he looked at me with disgust and said "youre wierd" in front of his friends!) I mean, we didn't always have the best relationship, but I had never experienced this level of mean BS from him before... even the other ballet dancers noticed and were like "why didn't he invite you back to his room with him?" when he just got up and left for the night while I was watching TV with a lot of people that I didn't really know... After having sex one night while we were slightly drunk we were all happy together and I said, "I hope you get into a company in Seattle so we can keep seeing each other" and he was like "I don't know how things will be next year" which is his language is "I don't know if I want to be with you" and I started crying and we had a huge fight and broke up... and the next day I took him back!!! After the way he treated me I can't believe that I was the one begging for him to come back... The thing about the cheating was.... I don't consider massages cheating necessarily, even a bit of cuddling if it is non-sexual and with an old friend where this is an accepted pattern is ok... and I kind of just made excuses in my head about how most of the ballet dancers that I know give each other lots of massages because of sore muscles, but I know he was doing all of this to try to get as much action as he could to boost his ego without actually fully crossing a line that he thought would ruin things with me... like when you tell a kid "don't touch your brother" and so he hovers his hand 1 inch from his brother's fact "Look, I'm not touching him!" ARG it makes me so mad, I realized today that I don't have to make excuses anymore, it was freaking cheating but I was too afraid of losing him to kick him to the curb... the fact that it still upsets me this much after 2 years and our breakup means it was a big deal to me... it is causing me some problems in my current relationship because my BF loves to give and recieve massages and all I can think is about how I let my Ex do that and he crossed about 50 lines... and I didn't stand up to him about it... That is what scares me, I am an intellegent, independant, strong woman, yet I let him walk all over me and made his excuses for him, I never want to be in that situation again, be that weak, but I am so scared that I will let it happen and won't even notice... I deserve better than that!
JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Your ex's behavior sounds exactly like my ex's behavior and I made all the same excuses. When we were out with his friends he would leave me and his friends would ask both of us why he would never stay with me at all during parties and nights out. After we would leave he would berate me with some of the meanest things I could imagine him saying. He would comment to me on how hot other women were when we were together and people who overheard would look at him like he was an @ss and I would be so embarassed. Then he would tell me when he was out "meeting new people" when I was not around. I was a smart, strong and independent woman before I went out with him. I can't say I'm back to where I was but the next guy I went out with mentioned something to me when he was across the country without me. He told me he was in a hot tub with another girl, neglected to mention what they were doing. We broke up within a week of that. You will be more aware of these things from now on and it isn't likely that you will accept this behavior from another guy. You know how it will end this time and you won't want to put yourself through that again. Besides...I thought you had a great boyfriend right now BTW, he still swears that he didn't cheat even though he's still with the girl that he was with the second that we broke up, yeah right!
lottie Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Oh man...it can be so hard to face up to the truth, can't it? Your ex sounds just like my sister's ex -- almost taunting you with the fact that he's almostnotquite cheating. It's no wonder that you're still feeling the after effects now: it sounds like he put you through a lot, over a long period of time. That's hard to bounce back from. Try to share your feelings with your current BF so he knows what's going on, but at the same time, try to accept your hurt pride and move on. Try not to dwell on the unpleasant feelings. Although it is important to acknowledge your feelings, sometimes that acknowledgment can cross the line into obsessive thinking about the past ... ESPECIALLY when it involves infidelity, which is the single most lacerating, infuriating thing that could happen to you. You were in an unhealthy relationship. You got out of it. Learn the lesson, and live on! Learn to listen to and respect your inner voice.
Author Tangerina Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 JS17, Haha, feels good that there are other smart people who have been through this, but I can say from my heart I am sorry that you had to expereince it too!!! I know what you mean about when you go out and they act like a dork, haha... I told my ex that a bit of flirting was ok because, well, it is fun, as long as he didn't lead anyone on by pretending he didn't have a GF... well, he would flirt with girls when we were in public together!!! Not like "hey baby!" but they would know he was flirting with them and would give him disgusted looks... I had to tell him "y'know, I said it is ok to flirt, but FYI when you do it with me right here those girls just think you are an a**h***!" Yah, I do have a sweet super wonderful BF now, and he is a bit of a flirt but the BIG difference is that pretty much the first thing that he brings up in conversation when he meets a new girl is that he has a beautiful, smart, interesting GF... my EX got mad if I stuck too close at parties or introduced him as my BF because then he couldn't get any flirting attention... GRRR.... It is so nice to be with a sweet boy who will actually claim me as his! I just hope I don't let too much of my insecurity from my last relationship keep me from trusting in this one, because I know this boy actually deserves the trust...
JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 People who are smart in matters of the mind aren't always the smartest in matters of the heart. Enjoy your current relationship, he sounds like a good guy.
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