jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 I haven't posted here in awhile but here goes again, same man 6 1/2 yrs we've seperated and our son and I moved out, back in july. We decided to try again, start conselling and still nothing seems to be working. Friday night he was acting strange, giving me answers about going out to dinner that just weren't firm answers. He ended up at home with a friend instead of coming to see our son, who was waiting. We ended up a dinner later after son was asleep by this time he had a bit to drink. He told me all about his bad day, then he picks a fight over a cig. I was going to smoke(he tried again to quit), he call me a B*tch for about the 5th time and I said no more. He gets back in the car and drives me home to leave me with no vehicle, while our son is with me. Just totally turned in a heartbeat, I didn't hear from again until yesterday when of coarse I called, he can't tell me why that happened and doesn't want to talk. He picked up our son for about 1 1/2 hours late yesterday and again I say can we talk, he says I'm going home to sleep I'm tired, he leaves doesn't even say bye, and no phone call. Right now I feel horrible I just want it to work so bad, I feel misserable and depressed, and I'm sure he's fine, he knows that he hurt me and I feel he is tourchering me on purpose. What can I do????? Help please this really hurts....
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 Noone has replied and I need some imput he still has not called, I think I want to try NC just for myself because I am too much dependent on him, because mylife falls apart when I'm not w/him. I think thats my problem I need to have my own life and be happy alone, but I can't get him out of my head, he knows this and uses it against me. How would you do NC when you have children together and when should I and How can I just say enough is enough I love this man and I just can't get this family I have imagened in my head out of my head. Would NC be the right thing to do I'm so confused and a mess right now.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 ill try to give you some advice, i know he is the father of your children and that could make it alot harder...im sure you want to have that perfect family.....but if hes acting like that and caling you a b*tch its really not healthy at all..... dont let your life fall apart with out him, it sucks to get dependant by some one because yes when they dont do something right everything falls apart....think about how bad it will be later on....you need to start trying to make your self happy, and Make it so your life doesnt fall apart with out him......honestly dont let him no your dependant upon him... and you cant do Nc because you have kids...but you can take it to a different level...make calls strickly about the kids....and look at it from an objective point of view..... if he acts strange, like he did before and you guys are separted than please back off and dont try, make your self happy and your kids, and his job right now is to be daddy...i know you want it to work...and maybe it will but for the time being this is how you should make things:)
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 brittanyjean, thank you for your reply, as I sit here with tears in my eyes reading it because I know your right, I guess what I have a problem with is how to make myself happy without, because right know I'm sitting here by the phone upset, hurt, confussed, depressed and don't want to move. I got myself into this state of mind and I need to snap out of it, I just don't know how. Right now I know he is probably out w/friends riding atv's while I sit here and cry. It makes me so angry and I know what I should do I just can't get myself to do it. I need a kick in the a$$ in the right direction I guess.
Art_Critic Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 he call me a B*tch for about the 5th time and I said no more. He gets back in the car and drives me home to leave me with no vehicle, while our son is with me.[/quote Any man that calls a woman a bitch is horribly abusive.. He is showing disrespect to you and the child. All of the shiot he has put you thru isn't worth the drama and crap that be brings to you and your child.
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 Art- I knew you would see it that way and I always know you have the best advice, I know you are right. Why do I feel so lost with out him and why am I so afraid to do it alone? I wish I had a crystal ball that would show me what mine and my sons future would hold. Why so I keep letting him abuse me in this way, what is wrong with me, I really now I'm the one with the big issues.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 well dont worry, i have make up smears on my eyes right now:) haha......well its because you love him so deeply i feel so lost to, devastated still....im sure its harder because you have kids with him..but just get it all out now, and please try to make your self better....... even if it feels gunt renching to try, trying is a start...have you gone through this b4 maybe when you were younger?....
Art_Critic Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Why do I feel so lost with out him and why am I so afraid to do it alone? Because you are codependant on him.. you are addicted to the feeling.. It could be a tape you are playing from your past or just the fact that he has gotten into your head and his abusiveness has lowered your self esteem to the point that you think you don't deserve better.. You do.. You and your child deserve a lot better. you need to get away from him to clear your head and get yourself back on an even keel..
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 oh please just get your self out, seriously i look back on all the times when i sat by the phone crying my eyes out wanting to like die, because he would ingore me....i wish i went out ........i regret so many times i let him cut me down and make me feel so worthless....dont let him do that....pls just go out go shoppin change how your" regret will be later ...if that makes sence i can sit here and feel exactly how you feel...and i can visulise what your going through right this moment and im telling you get out get out it will help
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 art thank you again I know your right, I have lost myself in him so many times, I only work part time because I'm raising my son, I work when he is in preschool 3 days a week. I completely forgot who I was before him, independent and did everything for myself. Right now since I moved in july I am still living with my mother, with very little income and a vehicle that is on its last leg. I was borrowing his until mine was fixed until he took that back friday night(great father again). So going anywhere that is not a emergence is really out of the question, and brittany- shopping is also (very little income) unless it's window shopping. ART_ "Because you are codependant on him.. you are addicted to the feeling.. It could be a tape you are playing from your past or just the fact that he has gotten into your head and his abusiveness has lowered your self esteem to the point that you think you don't deserve better.." How does one get over being codependant on someone, and get their self esteem back? thank you get it does just feel better to talk to someone
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 it does, and even though my break up has been 3 months...i still would liek to here arts advice on how to not be" depepandent upon someone else.
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 Brittanyjean- I feel horribly that your going through it too, why do we do it to ourselves we sit and smear our make up while they go out and party up on life. they suck Well we can try not to cry together.
Art_Critic Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 How does one get over being codependant on someone, and get their self esteem back? You have to start by understanding yourself and working on yourself and not the other person.. Figure out the things that you do that are codependant and work on not doing them.. You might want to pick up a book on codependancy. Your self esteem will come back if you start working on yourself and remove him from your life.. or if you can't remove him remove the codependant behavior.. Remember that you are not the problem.. he is.. you have just been affected by his problem.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 that makes perfect sence, my ex has been removed ( miles wise and emotinally wise)...but i should have known this from the start, i was so naive at 14...and was in lala land. thanks so much, im sure we probally cried at the same time, but the thing is these guys arent really worth the pain, my mom always tells me wait till i have kids, if your going to try to make someone happy let it be your kid:) im sure that would bring a smile to your eye.... if you dont have time to do the things you want to do because of your child....and there are money issues just try your best with whats around....it will slap him in the face one day if he wasnt there for both you and his children !
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Don't be afraid to find a therapist to talk to. Maybe by doing that it will help you cope and to learn HOW to be happy on your own. Your emotions are raw right now. Time will heal this and also focussing on other things. Keeping busy and NOT allowing your mind to think about him. The more you do that, push him OUT of your head, the easier it will be to care less about him and what he thinks.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 that makes perfect sence, my ex has been removed ( miles wise and emotinally wise)...but i should have known this from the start, i was so naive at 14...and was in lala land. thanks so much, im sure we probally cried at the same time, but the thing is these guys arent really worth the pain, my mom always tells me wait till i have kids, if your going to try to make someone happy let it be your kid:) im sure that would bring a smile to your eye.... if you dont have time to do the things you want to do because of your child....and there are money issues just try your best with whats around....it will slap him in the face one day if he wasnt there for both you and your child
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 the thing is i can get focused on not thinking about him, but isnt that ingoring my feelings if i dont think about it, it just SLAPS me in the face ... my mom said its raw right now, and still is and there are different stages i know time helps and i know its not realistic to for 3 months to be the cure, honestly not even a year maybe but by than i know exactly what will be good for me. and so will you be strong for your children:) do you guys take turn with your children( child)?
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 When we first split up in july, he had him everyother weekend, that lasted until we dicided to try again after about 4wks then we continued to just do things together as a family and he stopped taking him(our son)alone. So right now Our son is with me he took him yesterday for all of an hour and a half or so. He has yet to be the worlds greatest dad. Art- thank you and I know your right that makes perfect sense I am going to make those rules my priority and give it a shot. These past few months have just been a rollercoaster ride and I think he enjoys it where as I've always hated rollercoasters. the tears keep pooring down as I read and type but maybe its what I need, I already feel a bit better then I did this morning when I didn't even want to get out of bed. I did text him 2 times earlier before I started this post, and surprise no response, so atleast right now I will count on you guys for support and I will not call again.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 keep that mind set up:) thats perfect good luck:)
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 What makes a person get off on making someone else misserable, is there a name for it? I'm just wondering because here is this man(boy) who will sit there in front of me and our conselor which we've been seen now for about 1 1/2 months and tell me he loves me and wants to try and make it work, then he will turn around and ignore me and my feelings. He knows me better than anyone and he know that right now I'm sitting here all upset and yet he just keeps doing it. I can probably answer my own question I know its because I let him, I'm just wondering if there is a word to describe someone who torchures someone close to them becasue they know they can?
Author jhurtinct Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 brittany- your got the word perfect SICK is more than correct. But I'm still sitting here, I have my family and my son I just colored with him for a while now he wanted to watch a movie so I'm back here again. Us going to conseling was his idea not mine and still he pulls this crap. I went last week by myself, I wanted to talk to the conselor alone it went well he thinks I should up my meds. which by the way I never dreamed of needing until a couple of yrs ago, of coarse after my met my wonder d!(Khead. I will obviously be going this week alone also. This day just doesn't seem it will ever end.
reader Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 This is how I handled NC with my exhusband with whom I have 2 children. I made no contact whatsoever unless it regarded the children. When the kids were old enough, they handled calling and talking. He had access to school programs, sports etc., so I did not have to let him know. If you do have to let him know, start a file to hand to him with copies of the information. Be cordial, polite, to the point and that's it. He took the car so you couldn't go anywhere. Been there, done that. Stay with your mother. Start thinking about how you are going to pay for yourself and your child. I started college and have been going for 11 years. I will finish next summer. I couldn't always go full time because I needed to work and wanted to be there for my children. They are well adjusted and know the difference. Do you get child support? You should be. Yes, it might get ugly. Too bad, you will live through it. He will not always want to take his turn with your son. Keep your son with you when he doesn't show up. This means it will interfere with your life. That's what kids do, and I am so glad mine did. They are the best thing that ever happened to me. He will probably not change - he is proving it by the way he is acting with the counselor. Maybe when he is older and more mature, but your son is here now, and you need to be strong for him. Do what you can about your vehicle. I didn't even have a car at one point. My ex wanted everything I owned and I would get the kids. I got the better end of the deal... I found a major in college that is mostly online. I go above and beyond at work so I'll get ahead. I work at a school, so I am close to what my kids did, (they are almost grown). You need to be calm and focused. I adored, literally adored, my exhusband. I have known him since I was 9 years old. But, he is a lost soul, and it is not my problem. If he is drinking and driving with your son, you better do something about it. I did - we went to court - and he hasn't done it since. I survived the nasty phone calls, the public ridicule, the so-called friends and I will not look back. You can do this. Go to the library and find self help books, glean what makes sense and quit trying to save this guy - save yourself and your son. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have a job to do. Reader Reader
Author jhurtinct Posted November 21, 2005 Author Posted November 21, 2005 reader- thank you so very much for sharing your story w/me. I hope I can do as well as you did. The things that keep playing in my head right now are, well I will have to Thanksgiving and Christmas with my son by myself, I will have to do all the trips to the park myself all the trips to the movies myself, all the nights out to dinner myself, all the trips to Chucky Cheeses myself. These are just some of the things that are crossing my mind right now that hurt, I really enjoyed doing those things as a family together. I also can't get it out of my mind that I know he will have someone else (another female) around my son and that kills me to think not to mention in the house we together had made a home at one point in time. I just want it all to go away and I know the pain will with time, its still really new. Its just such a mind game to have someone be the greatest guy one day and make you think everything will be fine and then bam like a rock he hits you with the same abuse he promised to stop and leaves me sitting here alone wondering what to do. Thanks for being here everyone who has it sucks to feel alone.and like I said before this day is never ending I truly hope tomorrow is a bit easier.
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 21, 2005 Posted November 21, 2005 i didnt know there was ow, there is for me to but there moving away together so out of site out of mind.. im so sorry, i will pray for everyone on here tonite, as young as i am, were all the same inside, and pain is pain... just take all the advice you can on here, it will reshape your mind and your emotions
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