kpin124 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 allright i have been thinking alot about this over this weekend....... it has been 10 days since i first slept with mm whom i have known and talked with over the past 2 years..... we have gotten very close over this past year but the more and more i think about it i feel like i was used...... we meet at a motel (this was our first time ever meeting) i can't even believe that i agreeed to meeting at a motel i guess i was affaraid that he wouldn't want to meet me if i said lets just do lunch or something like that.... well anyway i am really feeling like his only intentions were to have sex and that we did. not once not twice but three times yes i will say it was great i felt really good being with him almost as if it was "real" however after we parted that day he was really good and talked to me and the following day talked to me even more because i was feeling guilty and he knew that however this past week he has barley talked to me at all and i just am feeling very used.... he tells me that i mean more to him than just sex that he wouldn't of invested this much time in me if it were just for sex (we live 3 hours apart) i am just really wondering if i should tell my h that this happen and hope and pray for the best or if i should keep it to myself.... and then there is mm w what about here doesn't she deserve to know if my h gets to know?? i don't know i am so confused the truth is if my mm said jump i would say how high.... i would do just about anything to please him and i find myself saying why i don't do this for my h..... any help for you all would be much appriciated:)
goingforgold Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 It's your decision. If you think you may lose your H might be best to keep it to yourself, but then the other problem is can you keep it to yourself, and go on as if nothing has happened with guilt eating away at you. Might be best to tell the truth and see how you go. I hope it all works out **hugs**
Sami_D Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 i am just really wondering if i should tell my h that this happen and hope and pray for the best or if i should keep it to myself... What is 'the best' that you're hoping for..? Have you decided to end things with MM and want to come clean? What will you be telling your H and what do you want him to do about it? If you want to tell your H, and not disturb MM's family you could end it with MM, go NC (no contact) and then, if you still think it's appropriate, tell your H. Apart from that, I don't like the sound of how you're relating to this MM. You would do anything for him, and you agreed to meeting him in a motel because you thought he wouldn't be interested in having coffee with you? He's having to reassure you that he isn't just in it for the sex..? It sounds like your self-confidence is really low.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 i am just really wondering if i should tell my h that this happen and hope and pray for the best or if i should keep it to myself.... and then there is mm w what about here doesn't she deserve to know if my h gets to know?? If this guy's wife finds out, she'll tell your husband for you before you can get a chance to. BS's are counseled to tell the OW/OM spouse in order to expose the affair in order to end it. For that matter, when you tell your H, he may call the W and tell her. It would be best coming from him anyway. The W will not appreciate the efforts, or trust the motivations of the woman who bedded her husband, and had an EA with him for two years. She will be more receptive to your H, who she will see as a fellow victim in this. I think you should go to 'no contact' with MM - its heading that way anyway and if you want to preserve what dignity you have left, be proactive and go to 'no contact' yourself without waiting for his contact with you to dwindle to nothing while you watch is painfully happen. Block his email, his IM's and his phone number. Do not let him contact you and do not contact him. Were you used? Yes, its apparent you were, first as a fantasy and then for sex - as soon as that fantasy became reality he backed off. Does it matter why he is doing this? Nope. The fact is, he did. No need to dress it up in pretty language - now is time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces you have left. If you want to stay married, ask your husband to go to marriage counseling. Give it a real, solid effort. Decide whether or not you want to tell him - ask to see the MC alone if you must to talk about it first. Ask about whether or not your H should expose the affair to the MM's W. Either way, concentrate and focus on your marriage, not the MM. After a few months of counseling, and solid 'no contact' with MM - your thoughts will be clearer.
tristram'swife Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 You need to tell him. He has every right to know. Trust me on this I was in your shoes. I had an EA with my neighbor and one day it got to emotional and I was drinking and very relaxed and before I knew it......It was a done deal! I betrayed my husband right there in the yard! I thought.....what he don't know wont hurt him. Right? WRONG!!!! What he DON'T know will hurt him. I went on talking to the OM like nothing happened but the guilt I felt was so deep that I treated my hubby like sh*t. I could not look at him. But to make myself feel better I still went places with this OM alone and even chatted real dirty to him on the internet. It made me feel better to do those things but in the long run I was just digging the hole deeper. So my advice to you is it has already been 10days too late in the amount of time you should have told him. You should have said something the first day. In reality you should have NEVER of went to a hotel room alone with another man that was not your hubby. You need to drop all contact with this OM RIGHT NOW!!! Call him up and say hey...I don't want to see or talk to you anymore. What we did was a mistake and I love my hubby and want to be with him. Tell your wife what you did. Then just hang up the phone and talk to your hubby. He will appreciate that you told him instead of him finding out. Mine found out from the letters on the internet and it was not a pretty site. If you and the OM want a relationship then you still need to sit down and tell your hubby how you feel. If you don't love your hubby like you did and don't want to stay married then tell him that before you continue on with this OM.....but chances are the OM does NOT want to leave his wife. He was just looking for something 'outside the box' and you were the prey!!!
Author kpin124 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 I don't like the sound of how you're relating to this MM. You would do anything for him, and you agreed to meeting him in a motel because you thought he wouldn't be interested in having coffee with you? He's having to reassure you that he isn't just in it for the sex..? It sounds like your self-confidence is really low. yes my self confidence is very low..... the reason i kept putting off meeting mm was because i had gained weight after i had my son and the picture that he had seen of me was before my son so i was a lot thinner and prettier so for the past 2 years i have just kept putting it off because i was affraid once he saw me he wouldn't like me.... anyway i have lost over 70 pounds at this point and do feel really good about myself and it was nice to have someone else be attracted to me i haven't felt that in about 8 years..... i don't know what it is about mm but something just draws me to him i can't get enough and am always thinking about him.......
Author kpin124 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 I think you should go to 'no contact' with MM - its heading that way anyway and if you want to preserve what dignity you have left, be proactive and go to 'no contact' yourself without waiting for his contact with you to dwindle to nothing while you watch is painfully happen. Block his email, his IM's and his phone number. Do not let him contact you and do not contact him. Were you used? Yes, its apparent you were, first as a fantasy and then for sex - as soon as that fantasy became reality he backed off. Does it matter why he is doing this? Nope. The fact is, he did. No need to dress it up in pretty language - now is time to move on. Time to pick up the pieces you have left. ok i really would like to go no contact with mm but it is really hard..... we have had a relationship for 2 years now at first it was just friends nothing sexual at all and then well ok yes it did lead to that but what i am saying is we have went over the past 2 years for a couple of months and not talked or anything and then always find our way back to each other.... and i wonder why that is .... also i really don't want to believe that i was used that will hurt to bad i really thought i ment more than that to him i don't know maybe i do i am probably in denile ........
lilmoma1973 Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 You are his mistress ... You are his friend with benefits meaning he can have you and not have any strings attached and not feel that he is committed to you !! Do you want to be in a relationship like this meeting him at hotels to get some quickie and then he is home to his wife!! You should respect yourself more than you do to jepoardize your heart getting broke.. Do you love this man ? You know most married men never leave their wives!! If this is the type of relationship you want then go for it !! If you don't be careful you could lose what you already have with your hubby !! Will losing your family be worth it!! You need to work things out with your h and go to counseling !! Hope your h don't find out before mm wife tells him!! Good luck
Author kpin124 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Posted November 20, 2005 what is the likely hood of his w telling my h ??? there really isn't any way she is going to find out he is in sales and travels alot so she basically just thinks he is "working"..... i don't know that is why i am asking i have had a couple people say that i should tell my h before the mm w tells him so i am asking for anyone's experience with this???
Sami_D Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Well unless he (or you) tells his wife... she won't know. So there will be NO chance of her telling your H anything. And why would he want to tell his wife..? I can't imagine he would have anything to gain from that. Personally I think you're safe from either of your partners knowing anything. If you don't want your H to know, then don't tell him. However, if you want to work on your M, then being honest about what happened might be the best policy. You know the man... would he appreciate you telling him, or could you just forget the whole thing happened and decide to work on your marriage without him ever having found out..? The other thing you have to work out is what to do about the Affair... are you thinking of ending it?
tristram'swife Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 OK again I stress b/c maybe you just over read my prev post.... TELL YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU CARE ABOUT HIS FEELINGS! If you don't care, then pack your sh*t and leave him alone! Don't let your husband go on caring and loving you while you screw some guy in a cheap hotel. It is not good to play with someones emotions. Turn the table if you will....would YOU want to know if your husband is cheating on you? I THINK SO! Don't be a b*tch! Tell your husband EVERYTHING! I have made the mistake of keeping to myself about my EA and the 'too far' part but it is not worth it. Nothing in this world is worth losing your family and unfortunately I had to find that out the hard way. God opened my eyes and said...."You almost lost it all! Do you think your little 'do what I want to' was worth it?" So I say this again...................from experience! TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHETHER YOU STAY OR GET DIVORCED. HE HAS THAT RIGHT FROM THE DAY YOU SAID "I DO"!
Sami_D Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 TELL YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU CARE ABOUT HIS FEELINGS! If you don't care, then pack your sh*t and leave him alone! Don't let your husband go on caring and loving you while you screw some guy in a cheap hotel. It is not good to play with someones emotions. Turn the table if you will....would YOU want to know if your husband is cheating on you? I THINK SO! Don't be a b*tch! Tell your husband EVERYTHING! How do you know whether people would rather be told or not..? Not everyone would want to know if their SO was having an affair. Particularly if you decided to end it and work on the marriage. Knowing what happened might make it very difficult to trust that person again. Surely every case is individual?
tristram'swife Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 OK maybe your right. But my hubby said that he would have felt diff if I would have told him instead of him finding out. That is the TRUST and HONESTY that a marriage should have. You don't keep secrets from your spouse. She needs to make up her mind. Does she want to stay married to her husband and work it out meaning she will have to confess everything, or does she like being the OW and continue her life wondering when the next hotel trip is or if there is even going to be one. I am willing to bet that the OM is NOT going to leave his wife. They never do! Maybe this OM's wife is having a hard time with hormones and the REAL WORLD and the OM is just not patient enough and considerate of her. Instead he goes out and finds someone that is willing to risk it all for a piece of a$$. He is not getting his emotional needs tended too at home so he is looking elsewhere. I am sorry to say but that is life! I am going through this at this very moment. I f*cked up and decided it was not worth my family and cut all connections with my OM! That is my thoughts on this situation. She posted, I commented. What else do you want me to say! Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and this just happens to be mine. Take as you will!
Sami_D Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Sorry, I didn't mean to start a fight. I just wondered why you were so sure that it was the only thing to do. Personally, I'd definitely want to know if my SO was even interested in another woman. Lying to someone you're supposed to have a loving relationship with is just terrible. I totally agree. And I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt of having an affair myself. Personally I've never cheated on anyone and never would. But I like to have a close, communicative relationship. I hate keeping anything from someone I'm close to... and if a relationship starts getting at all distant and the other person isn't interested in sharing things with me... for me it's over. I'm not a 'having an affair' person. I can't see the logic in staying in one relationship and lying to someone while falling in love with someone else and sleeping with them. The whole concept is nuts. I can't understand how my MM does it. All I know is that they've lived more or less separate emotional lives for so long, and that there is such a lot of resentment and bad feeling between them that it became possible. She doesn't even speak to him for more than a few minutes a day on the phone. I can't imagine WHY that is either (I'm not blaming her, just pointing out that I wouldn't be in a R like that and think that nothing was wrong...). She Must know something is wrong, surely..?
tristram'swife Posted November 20, 2005 Posted November 20, 2005 Sorry, I didn't mean to start a fight. I am not wanting to fight over it either. I was just stating that I have been there and done that and seen the damage it has caused. I am so deeply sorry for what I have done and hubby has every reason to leave me but he has a heart bigger than mine and is giving me a 'second chance' to show him that is not the type of person I am or want to be. Sorry for the hard feelings!
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